Serious consequences of adultry

[whichwayisup]

For the destruction of the marriage? yes a lot of BS are the major contributors of the poisoning their marriages BUT in no way are they responsible for the choice of the WS to have an affair. The WS bares sole responsibility for that.

 

My famous saying..Noone holds a gun and says CHEAT. Cheating is a choice, not an OOPS I made a mistake. An affair is definately NOT a mistake, it's an over and over again daily choice to continue to participate in it and I don't see how that's the BS's fault.

[the_dean]

But that isn't what this thread was about. The OP was obviously looking for reasons NOT to have an A, not for the ever elusive for the vast majority of folks in As that Don't end up together. Or even if they do, its always shrouded in shame.

 

There are consequences to having an A. I take it to mean that the OP was looking for negative consequences, not pie in the sky.

 

I started the thread. I thought a good thread on the possible negative effects would be good for people to consider if they are thinking about an extramaritial affair.

 

However, the possible positive consequences should be pointed out to. It is possible that is you are in a unloving marriage that you may have met your sole mate but I would think the odds are against it.

 

Traditional wisdom says you dont leave your spouse for AW or AM. However, there are a myriad of outcomes and some could be good in the long run.

 

Dean

[NoIDidn't]

I started the thread. I thought a good thread on the possible negative effects would be good for people to consider if they are thinking about an extramaritial affair.

 

However, the possible positive consequences should be pointed out to. It is possible that is you are in a unloving marriage that you may have met your sole mate but I would think the odds are against it.

 

Traditional wisdom says you dont leave your spouse for AW or AM. However, there are a myriad of outcomes and some could be good in the long run.

 

Dean

 

Dean,

 

It IS your thread, and I am not going to argue with you about your intentions in starting it. From the opening post you didn't point out one positive thing. That set the tone for the thread. If trhe thread was considered both kinds of consequences, one would have expected that in the opener.

 

Its like you are threadjacking your own thread, LOL. Maybe someone should start the thread on the positive outcomes of an A. There are many, but most only seem to post about getting out of an abusive M or getting their AP to marry them. That, and bringing up those kind of positives and not wanting to validate the positives of those who have renewed and recovered their Ms just seems....insincere on the part of those who seem to be reveling in another's loss (M, spouse, family, etc.).

[Tomcat33]

Umm... of all the bad things that CAN happen, I'm not really sure most of them really DO happen in most cases.

 

Don't we half the time see the BS pretty much lick boots to get the WS back?

 

Personally, I think the consequences are generally light and often non-existant, especially in situations where there is no marriage.

 

 

I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!! In particular the "licking boots" part.

 

I am convinced that EVEN after reading the horrific things that can happen after an affair, and it seems they all point towards the WS (meaning the OP does not have nearly as much to risk "apparently") if the WS decides to go for an A EVEN after knowing all if this it means one of two things:

 

a) they knew that if they got caught the outcome would be that they could totally work their way back in

 

or

 

b) they wanted a ticket out and they can save face and not have to be the one saying "you don't do it for me anymore"

 

 

I have spoken to enough people and read enough cases on how much "licking boots" happen to keep a WS back after cheating, reality is the a criminal does the crime only if they think they have at least 99% success rate in getting away with the crime.

[underpants]

I don't think this has been mentioned yet.

 

A serious consequence of adultry is the long term effects is has on the children (if any). On any side of the triangle.

 

It is sad to see a child (even if an adult child) try to bargain between love for their parent and a little sadness to know that one parent cheated on the other. Or to see a parent be reduced (hurt) by a married person or spouse. Or to compartmentalize a parent's choice with an idealized view of how they want their relationships to work out.

 

I don't know if that ever really goes away.

[Pyro]

Umm... of all the bad things that CAN happen, I'm not really sure most of them really DO happen in most cases.

 

Don't we half the time see the BS pretty much lick boots to get the WS back?

 

Personally, I think the consequences are generally light and often non-existant, especially in situations where there is no marriage.

 

You make a good point about cases when the couple is not married.

 

I can only speak from my experiences and my Dad did not lick one spot on my moms boot to try and get her back. They both tried to reconcile for the sake of us kids, but that was a mistake and the divorce eventually happened.

[OpenBook]

I thought it might be good to have a general topic about many of the bad things that can happen when you get involved with another person...

 

Golddiggers

Mentally Unstable

Guilt Ridden OW

Divorce

Financial Problems

Possibility of getting to see your children very little

Getting Beat up/Killed

Extended Family Issues

Guilt/Depression

STDs

Extortion/Blackmail

Civil Suits

Tarnished Reputation

Loss of Job

 

And yet, a clear majority of all MM's (and a sizeable minority of all MW's) still have affairs. I find it hard to believe they aren't aware of these possible consequences when they enter into an affair (which I'm assuming is the OP's position in starting this thread). Apparently the payoff of the A outweighs the risks. Or they just don't care enough about their M to avoid risking it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

They just think they won't get caught, more or less. There is a weird denial bubble that people who are in affairs seem to live in. Their contingency plan consists of a cover story designed to make it look less than it is, and with enough lies they can convince their way out of a Dday unless it is a "walking in on the MP and OP having sex" moment, and even then they might try to spin a story out of that. I guess that unless the BS catches them in the act, the WS seems to think that they can convince the BS that they have no real proof. No WS thinks they will get caught in a situation where the proof in undeniable. They rely on it, basically. The rest is all a web of lies.

[stampdaddy]

They just think they won't get caught, more or less. There is a weird denial bubble that people who are in affairs seem to live in. Their contingency plan consists of a cover story designed to make it look less than it is, and with enough lies they can convince their way out of a Dday unless it is a "walking in on the MP and OP having sex" moment, and even then they might try to spin a story out of that. I guess that unless the BS catches them in the act, the WS seems to think that they can convince the BS that they have no real proof. No WS thinks they will get caught in a situation where the proof in undeniable. They rely on it, basically. The rest is all a web of lies.

this is the part that I am struggling with in regards to my MW.. We were found out almost 8 months ago, but yet she STILL sits there and lies to his face, almost daily, and I can guarantee you, when H opens up the latest Verizon cell bill, BAM! IS this so text book? DO the WS's "know" what they are doing or are they in some stupid fog?? I don't want to believe this is her, BUT IT IS... "have you talked to OM? NO have you seen OM? NO" But the answer is YES all day long and H is 1/2 a step behind..

[Owl]

Stamp- How do you know he just blithely believes her? If you think about it...he might well "know" she's still seeing you...but what can he do without PROOF?

 

Unless he has proof to hit her over the head with, it just runs back and forth in a "he said/she said" manner.

 

The other question is...what is he DOING with that proof?

 

How is he making her continuing to see you not worth the effort? Has he exposed to her family, his family, etc...? What is she "suffering" for resuming contact with you, when he CAN prove it?

 

His plan should be two-fold...to win her back by meeting the emotional needs that he can, by being there for her...and he should maintain constant pressure for her to go NC with you.

 

But the other thing to remember...NC normally is broken several times in the beginning...until things finally reach a 'breaking point' where she realizes the damage she's doing by continuing to contact you.

 

Make sense?

[stampdaddy]

Stamp- How do you know he just blithely believes her? If you think about it...he might well "know" she's still seeing you...but what can he do without PROOF?

 

Unless he has proof to hit her over the head with, it just runs back and forth in a "he said/she said" manner.

 

The other question is...what is he DOING with that proof?

 

How is he making her continuing to see you not worth the effort? Has he exposed to her family, his family, etc...? What is she "suffering" for resuming contact with you, when he CAN prove it?

 

His plan should be two-fold...to win her back by meeting the emotional needs that he can, by being there for her...and he should maintain constant pressure for her to go NC with you.

 

But the other thing to remember...NC normally is broken several times in the beginning...until things finally reach a 'breaking point' where she realizes the damage she's doing by continuing to contact you.

 

Make sense?

Most of it, and there is no arguement to the rest of it, just hard to figure out... Seems like things should be more black and white.. I can't imagine, knowing what I know that he would just be "letting" her see me.. I know he is in denial, he told me as much the last time I spoke to him (November I think).. In a nutshell OR nuthouse, everyday that goes by for ME just makes this whole thing start to stink. I added to my letter:

"If we turn the tables around real soon, and I've given you this letter, and in 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months you come back and tell me that things are in full motion regarding a Divorce, and somehow I reluctantly welcome you back, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD FEEL, knowing that maybe it is only because a "sense of duty" on my part, NOT because my heart is devoted to you 100% anymore, BUT because I helped create this mess and feel OBLIGATED...? because that is how I am going to feel if this thing blows up, and it will, and then she comes to me, NOT BECAUSE SHE CHOSE TO....

[Owl]

Stamp, I'm going to post a reply back into your thread on the OW/OM board, so that I don't T/J here.

[Cobra_X30]

I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!! In particular the "licking boots" part.

I am convinced that EVEN after reading the horrific things that can happen after an affair, and it seems they all point towards the WS (meaning the OP does not have nearly as much to risk "apparently") if the WS decides to go for an A EVEN after knowing all if this it means one of two things:

a) they knew that if they got caught the outcome would be that they could totally work their way back in

or

b) they wanted a ticket out and they can save face and not have to be the one saying "you don't do it for me anymore"

I have spoken to enough people and read enough cases on how much "licking boots" happen to keep a WS back after cheating, reality is the a criminal does the crime only if they think they have at least 99% success rate in getting away with the crime.

 

TC,

 

I had to read that like 4 times! I'm so used to you disagreeing with me that I'm kind of in shock.

 

Yes, I think your exactly correct. When someone makes the CHOICE to have an affair, they typically have taken the time to do a mental risk assessment, and have deemed the risk fairly low. Either that they will not get caught or that even if they do it won't cause serious issues.

 

I think it's more common for men to expect their wives to take them back, and more common for women to want to use it as an exit strategy. That's just a guess though.

 

In my life I've seen more betrayed partners shoulder the blame and throw all effort into being perfect than the other way around. I say partners because most of my experience is with non married folks.

 

I think it's only a natural response for the BS to try and salvage the relationship. The affair in a way creates a power differential. Almost like going to an auction. The fact that multiple people are interested in the item drives up the price and makes it seem more valuable for it in the eyes of the bidders.

 

You make a good point about cases when the couple is not married.

I can only speak from my experiences and my Dad did not lick one spot on my moms boot to try and get her back. They both tried to reconcile for the sake of us kids, but that was a mistake and the divorce eventually happened.

 

My Dad did not do the boot licking thing either, but that's one reason the marriage failed in the first place.

 

Which of the two won more of your respect?

[Scrivdog]

Yup. People who condone affairs are CONSTANTLY talking about the bad marriage being the excuse. A bad marriage is a VERY valid excuse for a divorce, but NEVER an affair.

Easy for you to say. But given how the courts in this country operate - the man stands to lose his kids, his home, most of his assets, and part of his future wages.

 

I have a cousin who decided she wanted to pork the Roto-Rooter guy (no, I'm not kidding). She then decided she wanted a divorce. So the husband had to leave the house to her as well as the cars and the kids. This guy wound up eating ramen noodles in a one bedroom apartment while she was cleaning the plumber's pipes in his former house, former bedroom, and former bed. The only justice was that after the divorce, he inherited almost 2 million dollars.

 

Anyway, you get the picture. So it's not as cut n' dry as yout think.

[Owl]

Easy for you to say. But given how the courts in this country operate - the man stands to lose his kids, his home, most of his assets, and part of his future wages.

 

I have a cousin who decided she wanted to pork the Roto-Rooter guy (no, I'm not kidding). She then decided she wanted a divorce. So the husband had to leave the house to her as well as the cars and the kids. This guy wound up eating ramen noodles in a one bedroom apartment while she was cleaning the plumber's pipes in his former house, former bedroom, and former bed. The only justice was that after the divorce, he inherited almost 2 million dollars.

 

Anyway, you get the picture. So it's not as cut n' dry as yout think.

 

I'm not sure how what you posted makes it less cut and dry.

 

Is your cousin wishing that she'd just cheated on him and they stayed married rather than divorcing?

[Scrivdog]

LMAO! No kidding! I mean, where's the relevance in that post? And I don't know what back woods part of the country your cousin lives in, but things are just NOT that way in the court system any longer. Trust me. I'm the mom, and I pay the majority of child support. The way the court did it is they looked at the pay of both parents and decided who paid what percentage. I pay 59%, and he pays 41% (sometimes - the dirt bag - I got $39 in child support for the month for a 13 1/2 year old boy). So it isn't always "the woman gets everything."

 

I started off by explaining that a man has too much to lose in a divorce to just say "I'll just get divorced" because of the court systems as they exist today.

 

To illustrate my point - I provided an anecdote of a man who through no fault of his own wound up kicked out of his house and left as a visitor to his kids.

Edited February 22, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Owl]

OK...so you're saying your cousin would have been better off if he'd stayed married to his cheating wife? Does HE feel that way?

 

And no need to be snarky...we're not slow...you're not stating flat out what you're trying to say.

[Pyro]

My Dad did not do the boot licking thing either, but that's one reason the marriage failed in the first place.

 

Which of the two won more of your respect?

 

I'm still not sure who I respect more.

 

At the time when everything happened, I was so full of anger and hatred for my mom. My dad won custody of us kids for the divorce and the guy who my mom was seeing had to pay his wife alimony for two years, which made me me extremely happy.

 

I was happy for the way that my dad handled things. The very moment he realized that my moms stories were not matching up, he hooked up a recording device to the phone and hired someone to follow my mom around, so he had all the proof that he needed.

 

Living with my dad was no picnic either. He lied about alot of things, got into some drugs, and even borrowed money from me telling me that he needed the money for bills when in fact it was for drugs. Our phone, cable, and at times the heat was turned off because he didn't have money to pay the bills.

 

Now I have gone off topic and I apologize for it.

[HappyAtLast]

and I did consider all of the possibilities stated in the original post, yet, still did. I think that anyone who engages in an affair is well aware of the possibles consequences, yet chooses to proceed anyway.

[Pyro]

and I did consider all of the possibilities stated in the original post, yet, still did. I think that anyone who engages in an affair is well aware of the possibles consequences, yet chooses to proceed anyway.

 

Not everyone. I have heard plenty of people later on down the road use "I don't know what I was thinking" as a reason when they engaged in an affair.

 

Plenty of absent minded people out there.

[Cobra_X30]

Ok I'll spell it out for you folks. I'll even write more slowly so you can understand, mmkay?

Ok- good.

Here we go:

I started off by explaining that a man has too much to lose in a divorce to just say "I'll just get divorced" because of the court systems as they exist today.

To illustrate my point - I provided an anecdote of a man who through no fault of his own wound up kicked out of his house and left as a visitor to his kids.

I hope this wasn't too hard to follow.

 

I agree on a very big points here.

 

No fault divorce is a giant steamy pile of poo! A vow is a contract... legally binding. Jeeze, imagine if we had no fault business contracts, or no fault assault or something. Essentially no fault penalizes the person who had less fault and rewards the person who shoulder most of the blame. Really, who sets up a system to penalize responsible and honest people, just because its hard to prove?

 

This thread is all about consequences... well not all consequences are bad. Just as Scrivdog says.

[MakeLemonade]

Not everyone. I have heard plenty of people later on down the road use "I don't know what I was thinking" as a reason when they engaged in an affair.

 

Plenty of absent minded people out there.

 

 

Of course they say that, I imagine getting busted would make most feel fairly sheepish and stupid.

 

And I don't think absent minded is the deal. I think most anyone who engages in an A knows exactly what the consequences MIGHT be, but they are playing the odds that they won't get caught - they are underestimating their spouse perhaps, thinking they will be careful and smart enough about it that the BS couldn't possibly catch on to what is happening.

 

I also think some of it has to do with, for people that are truly unhappy in their current M/R, the chance of something better, the chance to break the rut they've been in so long, the cycle of abuse, the negligence, the indifference, the boredom, the lack of sex, whatever that "IT" is that is making them so unhappy where they currently are. That chance is worth the risk to them, unfortunately, most aren't mature enough to deal with the consequences and own up to their behavior. Of course, if they were mature enough to do that, they would have been mature enough to get a divorce or at least a separation first.

 

So they say instead "what was I thinking?" because better to be crazy, than arrogant & stupid.

[Pyro]

Of course they say that, I imagine getting busted would make most feel fairly sheepish and stupid.

 

And I don't think absent minded is the deal. I think most anyone who engages in an A knows exactly what the consequences MIGHT be, but they are playing the odds that they won't get caught - they are underestimating their spouse perhaps, thinking they will be careful and smart enough about it that the BS couldn't possibly catch on to what is happening.

 

I also think some of it has to do with, for people that are truly unhappy in their current M/R, the chance of something better, the chance to break the rut they've been in so long, the cycle of abuse, the negligence, the indifference, the boredom, the lack of sex, whatever that "IT" is that is making them so unhappy where they currently are. That chance is worth the risk to them, unfortunately, most aren't mature enough to deal with the consequences and own up to their behavior. Of course, if they were mature enough to do that, they would have been mature enough to get a divorce or at least a separation first.

 

So they say instead "what was I thinking?" because better to be crazy, than arrogant & stupid.

 

By absent minded, I mean that they would even consider and actually go through with it.

[serial muse]

Ok I'll spell it out for you folks. I'll even write more slowly so you can understand, mmkay?

 

Ok- good.

 

Here we go:

 

I started off by explaining that a man has too much to lose in a divorce to just say "I'll just get divorced" because of the court systems as they exist today.

 

To illustrate my point - I provided an anecdote of a man who through no fault of his own wound up kicked out of his house and left as a visitor to his kids.

 

I hope this wasn't too hard to follow.

 

Well, Scriv, the part you're missing here is that you were replying to a post about whether a bad marriage is an excuse for an affair by countering with a story about whether men get screwed in a divorce.

 

Two different topics:

 

1. Is a bad marriage an excuse for an affair?

Re: your post - nope. The BS did nothing wrong in your story; instead, your cousin screwed the roto-rooter guy all on her own steam. In that story, nobody learned any lessons about whether it's better to have an affair or get divorced if unhappy in the marriage. Perhaps your cousin's ex-husband learned that it's not necessarily better to get divorced than to just stay married while your wife screws someone else. That appears to be the lesson from that story, if anything. But it's irrelevant to this particular question.

 

2. Is divorce an easy, cut-and-dried option?

Of course not, there's all kinds of pain and angst and child custody and worries about who's going to get screwed in court. But that's not what was being discussed. What was being discussed is whether a bad marriage is an excuse for an affair. In other words, is the BS at fault? As in, to again refer to your anecdote, was your cousin's husband to blame for your cousin screwing the roto-rooter guy?

 

So, you see, what you're kind of saying with your story is that you agree with the person you were replying to - in that no, a bad marriage is not an excuse for an affair. In fact, the BS in your story got doubly screwed.

 

See? I hope that's cleared things up.

Edited February 22, 2008 by serial muse

[serial muse]

I agree on a very big points here.

 

No fault divorce is a giant steamy pile of poo! A vow is a contract... legally binding. Jeeze, imagine if we had no fault business contracts, or no fault assault or something. Essentially no fault penalizes the person who had less fault and rewards the person who shoulder most of the blame. Really, who sets up a system to penalize responsible and honest people, just because its hard to prove?

 

This thread is all about consequences... well not all consequences are bad. Just as Scrivdog says.

 

See, this is the part that isn't making sense about Scrivdog's post. That may have been what he was driving at, but what he actually said is that the consequences of an affair were EXTREMELY bad for that guy. No wonder people were confused.