EnigmaXOXO Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Out attraction for each other is based on looks - the love is based on our hearts. However, my guy and I love each other enough to not get so overweight that we lose our attraction for each other! Besides, if we get too fat and/or lazy, it might hinder our performance, if you know what I mean. If you lost the physical attraction for one another, do you think the love you have for each other would previal? Suppose you lost your breasts to cancer ... or he was horribly maimed or scarred in an accident. Is there enough substance there to still "love" each other through that, or do you think the loss of physical attraction would be enough to cause either one of you to cheat?
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 Do you not see the difference? No. Not actually. Since many factors (both controllable and uncontrollable) can determine one’s changing level of “hotness” ... as the original question asked. Even age. It wouldn’t matter if my partner got fat, lost all his hair, or was disfigured by no fault of his own. I’d not use that as a reason to justify leaving or shagging another guy on the side. On the flip side of that ... if he cheated, I wouldn’t care how “hot” he was ... I’d be out the door in a New York minute. Cause ugly is as ugly does.
OWoman Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Is it really that illogical that someone would prefer that their spouse become obese rather than do something that would likely kill their relationship/marriage? I'd far rather my SO took care of himself and did something that might kill the R, than didn't take care of himself and did something that would likely kill HIM. I'm not big on monogamy so the A thing wouldn't be a biggie for me, but if he were to do something that did matter to me and would actually wreck the R, I'd still far rather he killed the R than killed himself by neglecting his health. The other option just seems so selfish to me - yeah their health is wrecked, but they're mine mine mine all mine? That's love? Seems more like possessiveness to me. I'll take option no 2 thanks.
Author the_dean Posted March 1, 2008 Author Posted March 1, 2008 Lets make the question more difficult Would you rather your wife: 1. Gained 100 lbs and not care about her looks at all. 2. Takes great care of body and looks hot but had a one time PA. Ill take 2 again.
OWoman Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Lets make the question more difficult Would you rather your wife: 1. Gained 100 lbs and not care about her looks at all. 2. Takes great care of body and looks hot but had a one time PA. Ill take 2 again. I'm with you on that. I wouldn't care less about the PA. But if my SO were to do the weight gain / autodestruct thing, I'd worry that he wouldn't be around long on this earth to have a R with me, or with ANYONE else. #2, any day.
Lizzie60 Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 No matter how good looking someone is, or how good looking they think they are, that is only a temporary situation. It is a very shallow criteria to measure a human being's desirability or value. I disagree, it's not about being shallow.. it's about having self-respect and respecting our partner.. We OWE it to our family/kids/SO to keep in shape and healthy... I see soo many people gaining a tremendous amount of weight as they aged and thinking they're comfortable in their relationship.. it is sad.. there is absolutely no excuse for NOT taking care of ourselves. I measure the value of a person also by taking care of themselves.. It's NOT temporary.. when you take care of yourself it's for life..
OpenBook Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I disagree, it's not about being shallow.. it's about having self-respect and respecting our partner.. We OWE it to our family/kids/SO to keep in shape and healthy... I see soo many people gaining a tremendous amount of weight as they aged and thinking they're comfortable in their relationship.. it is sad.. there is absolutely no excuse for NOT taking care of ourselves. I measure the value of a person also by taking care of themselves.. It's NOT temporary.. when you take care of yourself it's for life.. Amen! Taking care of yourself tells the world, "I respect myself" and people tend to follow your lead. When you no longer care about your own appearance, people figure, "Why should I care about this person and treat them well, when they themselves obviously don't."
OWoman Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 Amen! Taking care of yourself tells the world, "I respect myself" and people tend to follow your lead. When you no longer care about your own appearance, people figure, "Why should I care about this person and treat them well, when they themselves obviously don't." It's also saying, I know longer have to EARN your respect, so I'm kicking back and not putting any effort in and you must just deliver. It speaks of a sense of smug entitlement rather than recognising other people as individuals with the right to make choices and have opinions of their own. It's also a signal to the outside world - "I have my SO so under my thumb I don't even have to make the remotest effort any longer, and I still get exactly what I want". That's both disrespectful AND controlling.
Jess-Belle Posted March 1, 2008 Posted March 1, 2008 I'd far rather my SO took care of himself and did something that might kill the R, than didn't take care of himself and did something that would likely kill HIM. I'm not big on monogamy so the A thing wouldn't be a biggie for me, but if he were to do something that did matter to me and would actually wreck the R, I'd still far rather he killed the R than killed himself by neglecting his health. The other option just seems so selfish to me - yeah their health is wrecked, but they're mine mine mine all mine? That's love? Seems more like possessiveness to me. I'll take option no 2 thanks. Well, if I didn't care if my SO ran around screwing whoever he pleased while I did the same, then I'd take #2 as well. Interesting spin you put on it, by the way... I think the gist of the original question was, would you rather have your SO totally let themselves go, thereby repulsing you, as opposed to having an affair. But you've gone and brought in the "killing himself" angle... not only to appeal to the idea that such would be far worse, but to simultaneously suggest that not only are affairs "not that bad", but that people who expect monogamy and would be devastated by an affair are being "selfish" :lmao: And that by choosing option 2, one should be admired as some sort of martyr :lmao: Very clever :lmao: It's especially amusing in light of the fact that on an average person, a weight gain of 100 pounds wouldn't exactly put them on their deathbed I'm going to go light a candle and some incense and flagellate myself now for not putting the health of my beloved over our mutual beliefs over what it means to be in a genuine love relationship :lmao:
annieo Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Do people only cheat on unattractive (weight or otherwise) spouses? I can think of a lot of famous folk (Michael Douglas, for example, who supposedly cheated on his first wife, who was a stunner, with a number of tarts), who have great looking wives and they still go out on them. I think if a person is going to cheat, they will. They might have the convenient excuse if their spouse gets a little chunky, but it's not the real reason.
openingup Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Some people are . . . a) judgmental and smug b) shallow as hell c) both of the above to the nth degree Sorry, but weight gain is no excuse to end a relationship.
twice_shy Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Lets make the question more difficult Would you rather your wife: 1. Gained 100 lbs and not care about her looks at all. 2. Takes great care of body and looks hot but had a one time PA. Ill take 2 again. I'll take 1. I don't want a cheater. I don't care how "hot" she may be. Fidelity is more important to me than superficiality.
twice_shy Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 It's also saying, I know longer have to EARN your respect, so I'm kicking back and not putting any effort in and you must just deliver. . You do realize there are people out there that don't have that attitude, and they try like hell to drop the pounds. For some people the weight comes off with exercise real easy, with others it just doesn't. Now I did it, but its a little different for me. I am single. I can go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours a night if I want to. I cook for myself food that is more healthy, with the exception when I have my kids for the weekend. And given all that, it is still damn hard to maintain that appearance. Then you have the people who are married. they can't go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours a night. Ya ya I know, "it doesn't take 3 hours". For some people it does, for others it doesn't. Not everyone's metabolism is the same. There are some people that can injest over 3000 calories a day, not exercise, and still not gain a pound.
OWoman Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 You do realize there are people out there that don't have that attitude, and they try like hell to drop the pounds. For some people the weight comes off with exercise real easy, with others it just doesn't. Now I did it, but its a little different for me. I am single. I can go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours a night if I want to. I cook for myself food that is more healthy, with the exception when I have my kids for the weekend. And given all that, it is still damn hard to maintain that appearance. Then you have the people who are married. they can't go to the gym for 2 or 3 hours a night. Ya ya I know, "it doesn't take 3 hours". For some people it does, for others it doesn't. Not everyone's metabolism is the same. There are some people that can injest over 3000 calories a day, not exercise, and still not gain a pound. TS someone who's making the effort to lose weight and struggling is not likely to be someone who "let themselves go". Letting themself go implies making no effort - letting stuff happen to them rather than making an effort and perhaps struggling on the weight front. It's quite possible for the person trying - and struggling - to make an effort in other respects, to make sure they still dressed neatly, combed their hair, brushed their teeth, smiled and was pleasant, behaved civilly, etc as opposed to turning into a total slob just because the pounds wouldn't shift. And there are PLENTY of married people who've managed to lose weight in massive quantities. A friend of mine - who has two small children - has always been big, but gained seriously during her pregnancies. She decided recently that it wasn't good for her health and worked out a sensible diet and exercise plan that she could manage despite her very pressured job, her kids and her husband, and she's hit her target weight and maintained it and looking great. So marriage isn't NECESSARILY an inhibitor to weight loss. But bad attitude is.
OWoman Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 I'm going to go light a candle and some incense and flagellate myself now hey, whatever it takes to make your sex life interesting.
Jess-Belle Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 hey, whatever it takes to make your sex life interesting. Thank you
privyet Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 add to this - messing up someone who was perfectly fine before it all began...Following EA, I (the a-type personality, overachiever, optimistic, supportive being!) wound up: depressed, in therapy, on antidepressants.. And what for? I'm still with him, but it will NEVER be the same.
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 All I have to say is, I am glad that I am not married to a person that places more value on physical appearance than on mutual love and acceptance. Both my H and I have put on somej weight in the years that we have been married. But he didn't have an EA because of my weight, nor I because of his. It was the lack of communication and mutual respect that did it. Anyone who cheats for appearance reasons is missing a few screws. And is very shallow with unrealistic views of what M is supposed to be like and about. The vows cover ALL aspects of life that will come up. Two wrongs have never made one right. And I am glad to not be married to someone that feels that way.
Tomcat33 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Both my H and I have put on somej weight in the years that we have been married. But he didn't have an EA because of my weight, nor I because of his. It was the lack of communication and mutual respect that did it. Anyone who cheats for appearance reasons is missing a few screws. And is very shallow with unrealistic views of what M is supposed to be like and about. The vows cover ALL aspects of life that will come up. Two wrongs have never made one right. And I am glad to not be married to someone that feels that way. In regards to the first part you will NEVER actually know that for a fact. If your H lost attraction towards you he will never admit that to you, most men would come up with a 101 excuses to tell you except for that. In regards to the bolded comment, unrealistic views on marriage is having the knowledge that one can let themselves go physically and expect the same level of attactiveness from their partner. It is a fundamental duty of a person to love themselves, in order to be loved. If you let yourself go you are not loving yourself. If wanting to maintain yourself in optimal shape, mentally, physically and spirtually is having a few loose screws then I would recommend more married couples loosen up their screws. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your best for your mate ESPECIALLY after you tie the knot and NOT it is not superficial it is absolutely healthy to want to take care of oneself and have vanity. It goes a long way and shows not only that you care about yourself but that you also care about your partner.
OpenBook Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 But he didn't have an EA because of my weight' date=' [b']nor I because of his[/b]. Did YOU have an EA too, NID??
Tomcat33 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 Did YOU have an EA too, NID?? I thought the same thing...
OpenBook Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 All I have to say is, I am glad that I am not married to a person that places more value on physical appearance than on mutual love and acceptance. Both my H and I have put on somej weight in the years that we have been married. But he didn't have an EA because of my weight, nor I because of his. It was the lack of communication and mutual respect that did it. Anyone who cheats for appearance reasons is missing a few screws. And is very shallow with unrealistic views of what M is supposed to be like and about. The vows cover ALL aspects of life that will come up. Two wrongs have never made one right. And I am glad to not be married to someone that feels that way. Well, good for you NID. But that is not what the vast majority of MM give as their reasons for cheating. Often they complain their W's don't TRY - they don't dress nicely around them, they're not interested in sex, they've let themselves go. But in a way it's the same thing you're saying. Men tend to interpret that lack of "trying" as an insult... and it naturally results in "lack of communication and mutual respect."
Tomcat33 Posted March 2, 2008 Posted March 2, 2008 (edited) Well, good for you NID. But that is not what the vast majority of MM give as their reasons for cheating. Often they complain their W's don't TRY - they don't dress nicely around them, they're not interested in sex, they've let themselves go. But in a way it's the same thing you're saying. Men tend to interpret that lack of "trying" as an insult... and it naturally results in "lack of communication and mutual respect." Exactly, lack of communication is the way we carry ourselves infront of our mates as well, it's the "message" we put forth in unspoken words. To further that point letting oneself go usually happens when one does not feel good about themselves, they have either put on too much weight or they feel unattractive and they throw in the towel to that and help it along by not trying in other aspects and a lot of the times it is the bad health affecting the mood. And I am not talking about the gradual weight everyone puts on bit here and there in a relationship we are talking letting yourself go. If you are 5.2 and weigh now 30 or 40lbs more than you did when you were first married that is a signifcant change to your small frame, you can't possibly be feeling good about yourself not to mention if you have such poor nutrition and lack of exercise your mood will sure be affected by that and the general lack of apathy when it comes to having sex. To a person that feels heavy and on top of it unattractive, sex feels like gymnastics. And it shouldn't. Not to mention all the other repercussions that come in terms of general emotional well being associated with poor diet and lack of activity. It's bad all around, and there ain't nothing bad about wanting to be at your best health for everyone in your family. This may not be your case NID but you are not EVERY case so please keep some prespective here when brushing it off as superficial. There "ain't nothing" superficial about taking care of your body, mind is definitely included in that. Edited March 2, 2008 by Tomcat33
NoIDidn't Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Well, good for you NID. But that is not what the vast majority of MM give as their reasons for cheating. Often they complain their W's don't TRY - they don't dress nicely around them, they're not interested in sex, they've let themselves go. But in a way it's the same thing you're saying. Men tend to interpret that lack of "trying" as an insult... and it naturally results in "lack of communication and mutual respect." I don't hate men, but I certainly hate this one thing about them. They often are the biggest cowards when it comes to saying what they are really feeling to their SOs, and will complain about it to someone else while greatly exaggerating things. I don't buy the reasons that men give for cheating, because you can bet that they have NEVER told their W or GF what they eagerly tell their OW. That, and, most men tell you that junk to see if you will do it for them. Its a kind of R grooming. A BIG RED FLAG according to many therapists, if you are dealing with a man that is constantly telling the negative stuff about his current or previous SO and making you feel like you can't do that to such a swen****ive wittle mayAN like dat. LOL. For many of the cheated on, there is no lack of trying - there is just a lack of communication and a lot of giving up of trying on the parts of both. And as to the "did *I* have an EA" question: you'll have to go back to my previous posts from a year ago as I really don't want make it seem like I am contradicting myself....
Jess-Belle Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 I don't buy the reasons that men give for cheating' date=' because you can bet that they have NEVER told their W or GF what they eagerly tell their OW.[/quote'] I actually feel that reasons can be broken down into levels. There is the superficial level, and the core level found underneath it. Taking this thread's subject matter into account, for example, I would see the 'my SO let themselves go' as the superficial reason, and the core behind it being 'I felt disrespected/not cared for [as a result]'. Although to be more specific, I perceive these not as 'I cheated because' but 'I was unhappy in the relationship because'. At the end of the day I don't think much else can be said to finish the former other than 'I cheated because I was selfish, cowardly, and didn't know how to communicate'.
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