Serious consequences of adultry

[OpenBook]

Although to be more specific, I perceive these not as 'I cheated because' but 'I was unhappy in the relationship because'. At the end of the day I don't think much else can be said to finish the former other than 'I cheated because I was selfish, cowardly, and didn't know how to communicate'.

 

But isn't this semantics? No matter what you call it (or them), men who are unhappy in their M's are more likely to cheat. Bottom line.

 

And most (if not all) of the cheating MM's posting on this site would vehemently disagree with you, especially about the "didn't know how to communicate" part. They claim that they have tried EVERYTHING to communicate with their W, and bent over backwards to please her by helping out around the house, listening to her, romancing her, etc. but to no avail - their needs were ridiculed or ignored, much like this:

 

A BIG RED FLAG according to many therapists' date=' if you are dealing with a man that is constantly telling the negative stuff about his current or previous SO and making you feel like [b']you can't do that to such a swen****ive wittle mayAN like dat.[/b] LOL.

 

So are you saying that all these MM's are liars?

[NoIDidn't]

Yeah, that's what they CLAIM. But many OW find out after a D-day that the same extremely unhappy man isn't really looking to leave moreso than having what he feels are his immediate needs met.

 

And there is nothing wrong with my statement. A man that wants to be called and respected like a man, needs to act like a man and MAN UP. Do the work in the R, or get out. There is nothing manly about cheating. There is nothing manly about the tit for tat of "neglected me and my sex drive, so I cheated". There is nothing manly to put down your W to another woman. A man doesn't do those kinds of things. And I know a cheating man will disagree with me, but a real man doesn't do those things. A real man is a bigger man than that.

 

But this is turning into a thread jack. Sorry about that.

[Jess-Belle]

But isn't this semantics? No matter what you call it (or them), men who are unhappy in their M's are more likely to cheat. Bottom line.

 

Well the real bottom line is that yes -- but not all of them.

 

And most (if not all) of the cheating MM's posting on this site would vehemently disagree with you, especially about the "didn't know how to communicate" part. They claim that they have tried EVERYTHING to communicate with their W, and bent over backwards to please her by helping out around the house, listening to her, romancing her, etc. but to no avail - their needs were ridiculed or ignored, much like this:

 

So are you saying that all these MM's are liars?

 

I will say a few things:

 

1. I agree that there are exceptional cases. I'm not going to say that it doesn't happen where someone winds up marrying a nut. However, at the end of the day, neither this nor anything else makes infidelity a justifiable option. It's fueled by selfishness, nothing else.

 

2. Generally, no one is ever the villain in their own story.

 

3. It's likely someone actively engaged in infidelity is simply not going to accept responsibility for what they are doing.

 

4. It isn't uncommon to believe one is doing an exceptional job of communicating, when it actually isn't true; or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, it isn't being done effectively. I believe this can be a rather difficult thing to discover about oneself and one's relationship dynamics.

 

5. As for whether I can say ALL the MM's you mention are liars, I don't know what they've said or their specific stories,

 

~ BUT ~

 

I do believe that someone who is actively leading a cheating 'lifestyle' likely has issues with honesty, if not a distorted perception of reality. The decision to be unfaithful ties in with other things about the personality. So while I can't say everyone in that situation is 100% lying about every single detail, I would have to say if I were going to bet money on it, more likely than not, most of what they say is going to be tainted with non-truth, even if they don't realize it, be it due to lying to themselves, or because of this distorted perception they may be having.

 

I'm saying all of this from the point of view of a former cake eater myself. I'm intimately familiar with just about any explanation or rationalization you can throw my way, right down to the "I tried EVERYTHING". Which is why I'm so quick to say it's a load of bxlls. No amount of pity parties will change that what I did was a deceitful betrayal. But I will admit, it takes time to see it that way.

[Tomcat33]

You know, though, if a man tried to communicate to his wife that he no longer was attracted to her because she'd become lazy and constantly ate too much, you know what he'd most likely get? The same thing I've seen others on THIS VERY BOARD get which was a whole lot of people screaming at him about how shallow he is and how it shouldn't matter, blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. So what you're saying is that OTHERS get to tell people what should matter to them. OTHERS get to tell a person in a R that an attitude and behavior change in their spouse should make no difference to them and they should love their spouse REGARDLESS how gluttonous or lazy they become. Nice.

 

 

EXACTLY! You know I was thinking the exact same thing, I can only imagine how approachable the people who said it is totally shallow to be concerned with your partner's appearance, would react if they were told "hon as of late I don't recognize you anymore, you are not the same person I married and your attitude really turns me off not to mention it seems you really don't care about yourself anymore"

 

I don't know people get SO offended when someone says that the physical IS important, as IF that was not part of the equation when they were chosing their mate. And just because YOU may not care if your partner gains 50lbs doesn't mean your partner will feel the same towards you.

[Jess-Belle]

You know, though, if a man tried to communicate to his wife that he no longer was attracted to her because she'd become lazy and constantly ate too much, you know what he'd most likely get? The same thing I've seen others on THIS VERY BOARD get which was a whole lot of people screaming at him about how shallow he is and how it shouldn't matter, blah, blah, blah ad nauseum. So what you're saying is that OTHERS get to tell people what should matter to them. OTHERS get to tell a person in a R that an attitude and behavior change in their spouse should make no difference to them and they should love their spouse REGARDLESS how gluttonous or lazy they become. Nice.

 

Me? Hmm, not sure you quoted the right person, as I don't recall saying anything like that. I would actually agree that yes, appearance does matter. Despite being a woman I'm a visual creature too, and I can't say I would be physically attracted to my SO if he totally let himself go and became obese.

 

I would say however that neither that nor anything else would justify my stepping out on him.

 

As for what a man would most likely get if he tried to communicate this issue with his wife (or vice versa)? I can't say if you're right or not, but I believe that a pair should be able to communicate about these matters, without making accusations and hurling insults about. And also, each couple should decide what's important to each of the two of them. What 1,000 strangers have to say about it is irrelevant.

 

[Just to clarify: in my previous post, I meant the term 'superficial' as synonymous with 'surface', not 'shallow']

[Jess-Belle]

It was that last part where you said something about "should be able to communicate with the spouse." Of course we SHOULD be able to, but if most of the general population on LS is gonna kick and scream over whether a person has the right to be turned off by a lack of effort on their spouse's part to remain attractive, or whether a person finding laziness and gluttony UNattractive is "shallow" or "surface," if you will, then how many spouses will receive any kind of conversation about their lack of attention to their weight and/or appearance with an open mind?

 

Ah, I see what you mean. I'm not sure if I've caused another misunderstanding, so I'll try to further clarify again: 'you let yourself go' is the specific complaint, 'you're disrespecting my needs' is underneath. To explain further I sort of visualize it as a tree. The leaves are all those very specific complaints, be it about gaining a ton of weight, not doing housework, not enough sex, etc. while the branches and/or the trunk are the more solidified or unified aspects of these specific complaints, for example, I feel disrespected by you, I feel unloved by you, I feel unimportant to you.

 

And if there's infidelity involved, that would go at the very core or bottom, the root perhaps, which is what is in the person that allows them to feel that an affair is a viable option, as opposed to doing everything other than that.

 

It was all just an observation really, not trying to say what people should and shouldn't care about or value.

 

As for cheating, no. Like I said earlier, cheating is NEVER an option. We were talking about whether a person's lack of caring about their appearance should matter to their spouse. Yes. It matters to many, for reasons other than the symptoms of the behavior. For me, and probably others, it's the behavior itself. NOT what the behavior leads to which is an overabundance of fat cells and a decrease in energy level.

 

Well these threads tend to be sort of like a game of telephone... When I came in it was about whether I'd rather have my partner put on mad weight or stay hot and have an affair. I'm guilty of not reading every single post, particularly long ones... but in sum I agree: physical appearance matters.

[twice_shy]

Is it really that illogical that someone would prefer that their spouse become obese rather than do something that would likely kill their relationship/marriage?

I'm about as far from letting myself go as a person can get, but I still value love and integrity over looks.

 

No, it isn't illogical at all.

 

If a spouse gets obese, then as a partner in the marriage, you can help your spouse work on themselves. You can invest the time in your M to help rather than just give up on them.

 

As opposed to cheating, I wouldn't invest a minute of time on a cheater. In a case like that, they just need to be dumped.

[twice_shy]

TS someone who's making the effort to lose weight and struggling is not likely to be someone who "let themselves go". Letting themself go implies making no effort.

 

It doesn't matter. I see people at the gym on the treadmills, sweating their asses off, and month after month, they still are overweight. these people, whether they are seen as "making an effort" or not are still gonna be used as an excuse for their SO who decides to cheat on them. And for some people, they simply are not gonna recapture their youthful figure. Unless they spend 4 hours a night at the gym and eat like a bird, and nobody has the time or energy for that, unless you don't have a job.

 

People can chant, "oh, its because they are making no effort to lose weight" till the cows come home. In the end, it is the fact that they are not the perfect little body they use to be and they are simply unattracted to them.

 

It has nothing to do with "effort" for most of these people justifying their affairs on them. It has everything to do with their perfect ideal of how their spouse should look, regardless if they are busting their ass on a treadmill or not.