Can a relationship get back what it once was?

[twice_shy]

The one thing we had before was trust. I know I’ve lost his trust but I also know that I can get it back.

 

No, you can't. never 100% anyway. There will now be at the very least some small part of him that wonders if he can trust you when you are not around.

 

 

He loves me very much and I love him.

 

You cheated on him. Doesn't sound like love to me.

 

 

The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up.

 

So here we have your justification and an excuse. So it was his fault eh? By excusing it away like that, you are not going to make things even remotely better. But I'm not surprised. Its rare when a cheater doesn't put the blame on their actions where it belongs, on themselves.

 

 

We lived together more as roommates than lovers. I cheated on him on the morning of the day that I broke up with him. I had wanted to end it for a couple of weeks already.

 

Then that right there tells me you should move on. You broke up with him so you could bone someone else. Major disrespect. And since you have such little respect for him, let him move on so he can find someone that will. Like someone said, it may seem like he wants you back, but right now he isn't thinking clearly. If you two get back together, once the smoke clears, he will start thinking more clearly, then watch out, because he WILL get angry about it.

 

Just move on. He deserves better.

 

 

It’s sad because I really love him so much and it was a biiiiiigg mistake.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. you did it because you WANTED to do it.

 

 

Especially since I knew the whole time that this other guy would never work. It was meaningless sex. I’ve never had that before.

 

My bf (or ex-bf) is a really strong man and he won’t use it as revenge or in a fight or anything.

 

 

I have to say, if he was that strong, he wouldn't give you any more consideration. I was the same way. I was blind because I didn't want to lose what I had. But after time and a clearer thought process, it was apparant there was no way I was going to live with a cheater.

 

But I'll play along here. If he doesn't use it, or doesn't show you that it is a very big problem, then what consequences have you suffered? Nothing. What you will have learned is that you can do it and get away with it.

[Spectre]

These people are right, nothing will ever be the same and you are kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

 

 

Even if he SAYS it will be ok, it won't. When someone cheats on you, it is tough because you still love them, you WANT to forgive them, and you might even tell them you have, but deep down you really won't have. I had this happen to me along time ago, when I was a dumb kid. A gf had cheated on me, yet I forgave her. Yet at the same time i didnt because whenever I thought about it I'd get super pissed, start fights with her, and whenever we'd get into an argument I'd throw it in her face.

 

This will affect the relationship in the future. It might cause him to sometimes get angry at you, and it will ALWAYS be in the back of his mind.

 

The other problem is some guys, once they love a girl, they think she will be the only one to love him, so when they cheat they still wanna be with them.

 

 

My question is, if you truly care about this man why not stay away? He might say he wants to work out it, but you can't rip the memory from his mind, and I can guarantee you he will not just forget about it and not think about it.

 

Why should he have to be in a relationship where he is in constant mental torment? Why should he have to settle for a relationship that will never ever be as good as one where nobody cheated on the other?

 

Plus, you slept with another man on the same day you broke up with him? That isn't love, at all. Nor does that show ANY signs of respect. You want attention? Get a puppy.

 

Also your response of "whatever im done posting" just kinda tells me that you posted this thread just so people could blow smoke up your a** and tell you that if your love is strong enough, you can work it out.

 

He might take you back, but the relationship will forever be tarnished, and will NEVER be as great as it could and should be..so why would u even want that?

 

You made a mistake, and now you have to live with the consequences.

 

People who cheat on someone and then try to get back with them are just selfish. The person will always have that in their mind and have to suffer with it for the rest of the relationship.

[twice_shy]

Why do you think nothing positive will come out of our relationship?

 

Because you are starting it off already on a VERY wrong foot.

 

Just to clarify, I'm the one who cheated so my problem isn't respecting him, it's earning back his trust.

 

Uh, no. You cheated on him. So you do NOT respect him.

 

Or do you think you were showing him the utmost respect by sleeping with another guy?

[twice_shy]

Whatever. I'm done posting. 98% of the replies back to me are negative.

 

Well what did you expect? We have all been there and done that. We speak from experience. If all you want to do is hear what you want to hear, whats the point of asking the question?

 

If you don't care about what we have to say, then do what you want. Go down that road and selfishly waste more of this guy's time. If you really cared about him, you'd let him go. He isn't thinking clearly and at this time would probably do anything to have you back.

 

Believe me, as time goes by, emotions will not be overpowering rational thinking. And if you get him back, be prepared for when that day comes.

[twice_shy]

My married best friend had an affair. Her husband found out after she ended the affair. They decided to try to work it out. Most days they do fine, but other days he will lash out at her, and it is obvious that he has not completly forgiven her. In observing their relationship, I think you can get back what you had or maybe something even better, but only if the person that was betrayed is truly willing to forgive.

 

There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Someone betrayed can forgive, but they will never forget.

 

And just because they forgive doesn't mean that from time to time they don't look at their betrayer in disgust.

[Spectre]

Plus lovesickgirl pretty much hit the nail on the head. The husband STILL lashes out and gets mad.

 

What kind of marriage is that? Why would a wife who truly cares about her husband want to put him through that?

 

 

Yeah and, I said you made a mistake in my other post, but I take that back.

 

A mistake is leaving the oven on too long or forgetting to rewind the video before you return it to the store.

 

You don't mistakenly take off your clothes and have sex with another man.

[AAlike]

 

The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up. We lived together more as roommates than lovers. I cheated on him on the morning of the day that I broke up with him. I had wanted to end it for a couple of weeks already.

 

 

What I don't understand is why you want to get it back to "what it was" when the above paragraph is what it was. It sounds like your relationship was problematic already and your cheating was partially driven by those problems (it was also driven by you being completely disrespectful - I find cheating to be loathsome, sorry).

 

Are you sure that maybe your cheating was not an attempt on your part to "make a statement" and get him to notice and appreciate you, especially considering you had said that meaningless sex was out of character for you? it seems like you want the relationship to go back to how it was in the very beginning, not how it was prior to the cheating. If this is the case, I might buy that there's an outside, off chance that you guys could reconcile, but it's going to be tough, as you're going to have to get him to bite on the fact that you cheated only because you felt confused and neglected, not with malicious intent, and I just don't know if that's possible.

 

I don't know - it seems like the relationship was going south anyway, so I don't really see the point I guess.

[Trialbyfire]

After one cheats (me) and the other person is willing to overcome it (my bf but on a break) is it possible (in your opinion) to get back what was once there? I know it would take lots of time but is it possible, if we both want it?

No, it will never get back to where it once was.

 

I suspect he's lost all respect for you and from the looks of it, you stopped respecting him, since you made a conscious choice to cheat.

 

Learn something from this. If nothing else, accept full responsibility for your cheating, instead of trying to justify your behaviour by using his behaviour as an excuse to indulge. If you do this and in turn, he looks seriously at why things deteriorated to the point of you feeling a lack of attention, you might have a shot at creating a new relationship.

 

Truth be told, I would never take a cheater back. If your ex feels the same way, it's probably time for you to move on and accept that you effed this one up and not to do this again to anyone else, ever again. If the relationship isn't proceeding forward in a healthy manner, learn to discuss issues in a functional manner. If it turns into non-negotiables of compatibility and core values, walk before pulling any passive-aggressive crap, like cheating.

[Cobra_X30]

What I don't understand is why you want to get it back to "what it was" when the above paragraph is what it was. It sounds like your relationship was problematic already and your cheating was partially driven by those problems (it was also driven by you being completely disrespectful - I find cheating to be loathsome, sorry).

 

Are you sure that maybe your cheating was not an attempt on your part to "make a statement" and get him to notice and appreciate you, especially considering you had said that meaningless sex was out of character for you? it seems like you want the relationship to go back to how it was in the very beginning, not how it was prior to the cheating. If this is the case, I might buy that there's an outside, off chance that you guys could reconcile, but it's going to be tough, as you're going to have to get him to bite on the fact that you cheated only because you felt confused and neglected, not with malicious intent, and I just don't know if that's possible.

 

I don't know - it seems like the relationship was going south anyway, so I don't really see the point I guess.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking!

 

The part I underlined is exactly what I was trying to decide whether to say or not. The crux of it is that in order to get the relationship back on track, you have to convince him that this was somehow his fault, without saying it straight out.

[Replicant]

This is exactly what I was thinking!

 

The part I underlined is exactly what I was trying to decide whether to say or not. The crux of it is that in order to get the relationship back on track, you have to convince him that this was somehow his fault, without saying it straight out.

 

Regardless, it still does not justify the act of her physically cheating. If she wanted to work towards the relationship improving, she could have discussed it with him and in a given time frame things have to change, or seek relationship counseling before not after she decided to cheat to fill the void. Trying to convince him in a round about way he had a hand in forcing her behaving this way would just be deception validating low class behavior. I think the majority of people will consider the act of cheating and not the reasons behind it. This was her choice, no divine force tore her clothing off and forced her on some other guy. So now she has to grow up and realize consequences come from such.

[Trialbyfire]

Regardless, it still does not justify the act of her physically cheating. If she wanted to work towards the relationship improving, she could have discussed it with him and in a given time frame things have to change, or seek relationship counseling before not after she decided to cheat to fill the void. Trying to convince him in a round about way he had a hand in forcing her behaving this way would just be deception validating low class behavior. I think the majority of people will consider the act of cheating and not the reasons behind it. This was her choice, no divine force tore her clothing off and forced her on some other guy. So now she has to grow up and realize consequences come from such.

Quoted for truth! Very well said!

[Spectre]

This is exactly what I was thinking!

 

The part I underlined is exactly what I was trying to decide whether to say or not. The crux of it is that in order to get the relationship back on track, you have to convince him that this was somehow his fault, without saying it straight out.

 

And if she actually *tries* to convince him it is his fault, she really has zero respect for him.

 

Don't give her ideas, lol.

[nickilovespookie]

mm hm. Thanks.

[Spectre]

And that^, ladies and gentlemen, pretty much says it all.

[AAlike]

And if she actually *tries* to convince him it is his fault, she really has zero respect for him.

 

Don't give her ideas, lol.

 

not that it was his fault but that it stemmed from circumstances...hey I didn't say that it was justified - I just said that it might be the only way for it to work - hahaha...

 

honestly, to OP - I don't think that your relationship was meant to work, period. based on the pre-cheating description, it didn't seem that he appreciated you, and based on the cheating itself, it doesn't seem that you appreciated him. in future relationships (or if you do manage to corral this one), you need to address this point much earlier so that it doesn't get to the point where you feel that you need to do something so drastic to get your point across.

[Spectre]

not that it was his fault but that it stemmed from circumstances...hey I didn't say that it was justified - I just said that it might be the only way for it to work - hahaha...

 

I figured, but if this poor guy is willing to take this chick back, she could probably easily convince him it was his fault she cheated as well, and I doubt he needs that..heh.

[mental_traveller]

After one cheats (me) and the other person is willing to overcome it (my bf but on a break) is it possible (in your opinion) to get back what was once there? I know it would take lots of time but is it possible, if we both want it?

 

IMO no. He will always think about the idea of you bouncing up and down on another man's schlong, and it will kill him. Over time it may happen less often, but it will never go away permanently.

 

If you don't believe me, read some of the posts here by guys that got cheated on. Some of them are posting years later, and the bitterness and pain still comes through in their posts.

 

You may be able to still salvage a relationship, but it will not be anything like what you had before.

[enidcoleslaw]

What I've been told is that it's like a vase - once it's broken you can put the pieces back together but it never looks the same. I know it's sort of cheesy but it helps me. I was the one who was cheated on but I'm okay with things being different as long they can be fixed.

[pickleeater]

i Agree with many posts here. the torture and mental images HAUNT a person that has to deal with these disrespectful people. counceling can not make them go away. time can not make them dissappear. the images are ten times worse than what they did not see(maybe.)

 

my advice to nickilovespookie is to GROW UP before entering any relationship. you are not ready to get married or have kids.

 

you may also want to seek self counceling so this doesn't happen again.

[elij]

Myself, am in such a relationship. My girlfriend cheated on me, then broke up, though she says for other reasons than this other guy, then we got back together some 4 weeks later, and I suspect she cheated on me at least once or twice more (though she denies it) afterward before ending it with the other guy. She says now this other relation was a big mistake, regrets it, and that she loves me...etc. But the fact is she lied to me for weeks about it -- and when I look back at photos or emails or memories of that time I wonder if it was all a lie.

 

And those images in my mind, of what likely happened between her and this other guy, drive me up the wall. I can't believe she did that to me, to us. Its the ultimate betrayal. I rationalize it in that she was free to do what she wanted when we were broken up, and that our relationship was suffering somewhat due to a problem with jealousy from my part, which led her to abandon me, and that she told me many times after breaking up she did not want to return -- and yet I pursued her anyway. Finally, I won her back, she is happy to be back with me, but I had no idea about her affair until some weeks after we got back together.

 

Now, am trying to give her a second chance. I want to ask her more about what happened with this other guy, what they did and when, etc..But she does not want to talk and likely won't tell me the whole truth. What do you people think I should do? Put these lingering questions and doubts behind me, or try talking to her again??

 

In any case, I think if the love is true on both sides we will be able to work things out with time. But to make this relation special again, it will take a long long time to heal this wound. Truth be told: this is the worst thing any woman can ever do to a man they care about.

 

To sum up, if you want to get back to what it was, you can, but you will need to be the person to make that happen and not your boyfriend. Myself, want to aim for something better than before.

[nickilovespookie]

Myself, am in such a relationship. My girlfriend cheated on me, then broke up, though she says for other reasons than this other guy, then we got back together some 4 weeks later, and I suspect she cheated on me at least once or twice more (though she denies it) afterward before ending it with the other guy. She says now this other relation was a big mistake, regrets it, and that she loves me...etc. But the fact is she lied to me for weeks about it -- and when I look back at photos or emails or memories of that time I wonder if it was all a lie.

 

And those images in my mind, of what likely happened between her and this other guy, drive me up the wall. I can't believe she did that to me, to us. Its the ultimate betrayal. I rationalize it in that she was free to do what she wanted when we were broken up, and that our relationship was suffering somewhat due to a problem with jealousy from my part, which led her to abandon me, and that she told me many times after breaking up she did not want to return -- and yet I pursued her anyway. Finally, I won her back, she is happy to be back with me, but I had no idea about her affair until some weeks after we got back together.

 

Now, am trying to give her a second chance. I want to ask her more about what happened with this other guy, what they did and when, etc..But she does not want to talk and likely won't tell me the whole truth. What do you people think I should do? Put these lingering questions and doubts behind me, or try talking to her again??

 

In any case, I think if the love is true on both sides we will be able to work things out with time. But to make this relation special again, it will take a long long time to heal this wound. Truth be told: this is the worst thing any woman can ever do to a man they care about.

 

To sum up, if you want to get back to what it was, you can, but you will need to be the person to make that happen and not your boyfriend. Myself, want to aim for something better than before.

 

 

Wow, you really hit everything on the head with almost everything. We're in the exact same position almost but I'm the girl/cheater and you're my boyfriend. First of all, if you're situation is really like mine then all the doubts you have about before this all happened like pictures and stuff - it's not a lie. Personally, it's like I was someone else for a while. I love my bf so much and it sounds like she loves you too. (from what little I know.)

 

I wouldn't suggest asking about details with the other guy. Seriously, not good. Would you feel better if you knew all the little intimate things that she did that she was supposed to be doing with you? I don't think so. But if my bf asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell him, it's just as hard on this side of things. It's all my fault. What a huge mistake. But it took all of that for me to realize that he's the one I want and love more than anything in the world and I took it all for granted because for a short time I got scared of whatever I got scared of and I didn't think I wanted to be with him anymore.

 

I'm not sure of your ages but I'm 23 and my bf is 29. So for a little while I was thinking things like "I'm too young" and I was hanging out with my single "fun" friends more. Which I still am but I realize now that I don't want to be like them I just like spending time with them.

 

I know some of the reasons why I cheated. 1. I was NOT getting anything out of the relationship from my bf that I was putting in. I put so much into the relationship and he did nothing, I talked to him about all of this 2 weeks before I cheated on him but he didn't take it serious. I almost left him that night but decided to stay. He still proceeded to go ice fishing for the weekend. so 2. I didn't (at that time) want to be with him anymore so on the day I was going to break up with him (another weekend ice fishing) he came home that night and already that morning I had already made the biggest mistake of my life. Biggest.

 

Honestly, what can I do to make it up to him? I want to go back in time and be stronger than what I was. What was I thinking? I am more sorry than I've ever been in my life.

 

What would you want your gf to do to make things right (other than just time)?

 

ps. he sounds exactly like you, he wants us to be stronger because of this. You, like him, are more of a man than anyone because a lot of men would walk away. Is that manly? Take things on if you really want it.

[Spectre]

Now, am trying to give her a second chance. I want to ask her more about what happened with this other guy, what they did and when, etc..But she does not want to talk and likely won't tell me the whole truth. What do you people think I should do? Put these lingering questions and doubts behind me, or try talking to her again??

 

Wanting to know all the details isn't wrong, it helps you get closure over what happened. If she was truly sorry, she wouldn't refuse to talk to you about this, that right there is a bad sign.

 

In any case, I think if the love is true on both sides we will be able to work things out with time. But to make this relation special again, it will take a long long time to heal this wound. Truth be told: this is the worst thing any woman can ever do to a man they care about.

 

Problem is, if the love was true on both sides, this would of never happened. If you truly love someone, you do not cheat on them. Not only because if you truly love them you wouldn't even be thinking about sex with someone else, but because you would be seriously hurting the one you supposedly love, not to mention showing them massive disrespect.

 

To sum up, if you want to get back to what it was, you can, but you will need to be the person to make that happen and not your boyfriend. Myself, want to aim for something better than before.

 

Why settle for someone who obviously doesn't truly respect and care for you? Not just because she cheated, her refusing to talk to you about it is another red flag. If she was truly sorry, she would want to do anything to make this work, yet she isn't.

 

You won't ever get rid of those haunting images, you might be able to think about it less often, but you will never get rid of them completely. Why live like that? Also, when you do begin to think about it, you will either get A: mad, or B: depressed, or both. This is no way to live, and no state of mind to be in.

 

You said it yourself, she cheated on you and lied to you for weeks. As far as I am concerned, once a person cheats, every single kiss, every time they say "i love you" after that, is one big lie, every romantic evening spent together? Just one big lie. She completely disrespected you and all your relationship stood for, and she still refuses to help ease your mind and give you closure over the situation by answering your questions.

 

To me it sounds like she thought she wanted something more, so she slept around, and then dumped you. She eventually realized she had a decent guy, and that it is rare to find a decent guy who truly cares for you. So then she got back with you, yet even when you got back together she still was not honest with you right away.

 

Simply put man, I think you need to let her go. She might care about you, but not nearly as much as a gf should care about her bf. She certainly does not truly love you because, she would of never done what she had done. Save yourself anymore heart break, and move on from this girl, she isn't good for you. In the end, do you really wanna end up with someone who could so blatantly disrespect you and show she doesn't love you..basically do you want a tainted relationship? Or would you prefer a girl who respects and cares for you, and hasn't done anything that will always cause you to question that fact?

 

Do you really want a girl who had to sleep with another guy just to realize she loved you?

Edited March 20, 2008 by Spectre

[Replicant]

 

Honestly, what can I do to make it up to him? I want to go back in time and be stronger than what I was. What was I thinking? I am more sorry than I've ever been in my life.

 

Nothing, The only difference here is your boyfriend chose to put his fishing rod in a hole made of ice...for sport. While at the same time you allowed some other guy to put his rod in you...for sport. Your ice cold decisions here cannot be rationalized as a temporary lapse in your self fulfilling judgment, your flaw was that you lacked the strength and character to do something before it came to what it is now. Now you must live with that fact. Trying to make it up to your boyfriend in your eyes is redemption to you and you alone. Not every action is a forgivable one.

[elij]

Spectre, sometimes I do think I should break with her for what she has done. At the same time, I want to give this a try. My girlfriend, like Nicki obviously appears to here, regrets greatly what she did and is extremely sorry about what has happened. She loves me. I want to see if we can overcome this because I do know that otherwise we are happy together. I also think we both have learned from the past -- and can be the better for it.

 

I am learning as I go along here.

 

Nicki: Out of curiosity, I checked out some of your prior posts and your story generally does have many similarities to ours though of course my girlfriend had her own different reasons for what she did. Ages? I'm 34, my girlfriend is 28. We have also only been together 8 months though we have essentially lived together most of the time.

 

I guess what I most need from my girlfriend right now is for her to show me that she loves me. When I sometimes get angry or sad about what has happened, my escape hatch is the recent memories of her saying I love you.

 

I would also like my girlfriend to be more honest with me.

 

I understand what you say, for the sake of our relation its probably best if I did not know the intimate details of her other relation, and I do not want to know that either, but I do want to understand better all sorts of things like why things happened the way they did, how it got started, when they saw each other.... I got some of that info already, but would like to know more. I was with her most days during our separation, including sleeping with her on several occasions. I don't know how she did that. But now I do understand better why her attitude with me at times was like a rollercoaster during that period. At the same time, I will not pressure her whatsoever to talk about these things. We have had enough difficult conversations as it is and want to put more emphasis right now on healing and seeing if our relation can still work. And actually, every day my mind seems to have a more clear idea anyway of what happened and why based on what I already do know.

 

Again, for me, the best thing right now to ease my pain is when my girl tells me she loves me. I also think you need to be patient and understanding with your boyfriend. This will not be an easy time. But through love, patience and understanding there is a good chance you will get past this, be happy and stay together. In my case, I need more time to process it all. Perhaps I will need some time alone to think. But the best thing you can do right now is to genuinely show your man you love him and when he looks like he is seeing a nightmare in his head love him still more so he knows you only want him.

 

What should I be doing? And whats the state of trust in your relation?

[Spectre]

Spectre, sometimes I do think I should break with her for what she has done. At the same time, I want to give this a try. My girlfriend, like Nicki obviously appears to here, regrets greatly what she did and is extremely sorry about what has happened. She loves me. I want to see if we can overcome this because I do know that otherwise we are happy together. I also think we both have learned from the past -- and can be the better for it.

 

Of course she regrets it and is sorry. If I'm driving my car and I hit someones dog and kill it, I'm gonna be sorry and sad about it and feel regret. Does it mean I loved that dog? No. Most chicks like this will feel bad. She was selfish, and lost someone she cared about, so of course she is regretful and sorry. Doesn't absolve her, and to be honest..it doesn't mean she loves you. You say you are otherwise happy, well come on, if that were true..we wouldn't be having this conversation would we? She would of never cheated in the first place.

 

The problem is girls like this are good at putting on a show, after all she lied to you for how long? Simply put the trust has been broken and you can never get it back to what it was. People who think otherwise are simply kidding themselves because they can't accept the relationship is over. I don't know why you'd want a relationship that, as I said, is tainted. Plus there is the fact that the way she behaves around you now is going to be because she is trying to get back in your good graces, not because she is madly in love with you. Remember that as well.

 

I guess what I most need from my girlfriend right now is for her to show me that she loves me. When I sometimes get angry or sad about what has happened, my escape hatch is the recent memories of her saying I love you.

 

Again, this is where you're gonna get fooled. She knows she has messed up, she is going to go out of her way to try and make you feel like she loves you. The bottom line is if she truly loved you, she wouldn't of done what she did. Sugarcoat it any way you want, try to blame yourself for being jealous..but in reality nobody forced her clothes off,etc.

 

 

I understand what you say, for the sake of our relation its probably best if I did not know the intimate details of her other relation

 

Thing is, you decide what is best for you. If you feel that you want to know, then she has no right to tell you no. Again: this is a major red flag that she refuses to do so.

 

Anyways, from the way you're posting it is obvious you are going to forgive this chick, and I feel bad for you. She cheated and lied, and in the end still got what she wanted. That isn't the right message to send to people like this. You should just cut your losses now and move on, in the long run you're only hurting yourself if you stay with her. Once again, go find a girl who doesn't need to sleep around to realize she wants you. It might take a while, cuz skanks are easy to find and truly honest girls aren't, but I think it is worth it. I've been cheated on, and when you actually find a girl who isn't like that, it is wonderful.

Edited March 23, 2008 by Spectre