Can a relationship get back what it once was?

[Brian76]

Would you say you are certain you would not cheat again? If you think you can really stay loyal? I am trying to learn to trust my ex again and want to see it from , well, a cheaters viewpoint. I WISH I could trust her....

[Cobra_X30]

Again, for me, the best thing right now to ease my pain is when my girl tells me she loves me. I also think you need to be patient and understanding with your boyfriend. This will not be an easy time. But through love, patience and understanding there is a good chance you will get past this, be happy and stay together. In my case, I need more time to process it all. Perhaps I will need some time alone to think. But the best thing you can do right now is to genuinely show your man you love him and when he looks like he is seeing a nightmare in his head love him still more so he knows you only want him.

 

Here is where I see a problem. Her words make you feel better. Her actions make you feel bad.

 

If you wish to stay with her, you need to be accepting that you are not her first choice.

 

My advice is this, if you want to feel special, find someone who thinks your special.

[nickilovespookie]

Would you say you are certain you would not cheat again? If you think you can really stay loyal? I am trying to learn to trust my ex again and want to see it from , well, a cheaters viewpoint. I WISH I could trust her....

 

YES. I am sure I wouldn't cheat again. This was a huge mistake and even if I found myself at this point of being out of love and wanting to stray - I would handle it soooo much differently. I would tell him. My bf says that if I would have told him before it happened he would have been pissed but he would have respected me more for breaking it off first. Which is always what I've told myself that I would do. My incident occurred on the day that I broke it off. Cheated first (like an idiot - wasn't thinking clearly) then broke it off. I had wanted to end it before cheating occurred but I was too late. The other man that I cheated on my bf with lives out of town so it wasn't as if I could break up and then go meet him. This whole thing sounds disgusting, I am literally sickened with myself for what I've done. I've wrecked the most important and best thing that's ever happened to me and now it's hard to fix it, but I am willing.

 

My bf tells me that some things can be fixed - only if someone is willing. I am definitely willing.

 

It's only been two months since this has all happened. The ONLY reason I did it was for the sex and attention. Slutty I know.

 

If your gf is sorry and tells you that she is and you've had good trust before then yes, you can trust her. That's all you can do at this point, try to trust her or break up. In my case, my bf and I have great history so we want to try to work it out rather than give up.

 

The one problem that i see now since this has happened is sometimes my bf gets defensive at certain points. Like when I was talking about this guy that I went to HS with that we recently saw together out and about, my bf asked if he ever hits on me and I said no (because I was telling him that this guy has slept with all of my friends except me and one other one). Well then after I said no (he never hits on me) I said "do you think I'm cute enough" (implying as a joke, of course I'm cute enough, I know it, I don't know why this guy doesn't hit on me) but rather than a compliment of some sort I got from him "why do you care if you're cute enough for a man whore to hit on you, you should just care what I think". This wasn't what I was expecting but really, I deserve it.

 

Bottom line, anytime I look at another guy now, he's going to wonder. And that hurts.

 

I just hope at some point, months from now, that he can trust me again. at least enough to not wonder my intentions all the time. We're actually going to go to couples counseling in a couple of weeks.

 

Yesterday we were talking and he thinks there's still things out there that I've lied about that he wishes I would tell him bc he doesn't want to find out. What types of things does he mean? Were there more men? how many times I was with this other guy? etc. There was only one guy. What else does he think there would be? What is he wondering?

[nickilovespookie]

Here is where I see a problem. Her words make you feel better. Her actions make you feel bad.

 

If you wish to stay with her, you need to be accepting that you are not her first choice.

 

My advice is this, if you want to feel special, find someone who thinks your special.

 

How is he not her first choice? If he wasn't her first choice, she wouldn't have realized what an idiot she's been and went back to him. She could've always moved on. She's choosing him because she knows there's no one better, it just took this to realize that. (speaking from my pov.)

[Cobra_X30]

How is he not her first choice? If he wasn't her first choice, she wouldn't have realized what an idiot she's been and went back to him. She could've always moved on. She's choosing him because she knows there's no one better, it just took this to realize that. (speaking from my pov.)

 

She did move on. You see that right?

 

She decided that he was not good enough and went looking for someone else. Maybe that 1 other guy she tried wasn't that great either. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who just thinks your just a little less craptastic than the next guy?

 

Words are meaningless, her actions spell things out clearly.

 

Personally, I'm not going to settle. I don't care if I'm with a rolly polly woman with no hair and one tooth, I'm going to be with someone who thinks I'm something special. Because I know I am, so why waste my time with someone who has doubts and is too dumb to see that?

[twice_shy]

I wouldn't suggest asking about details with the other guy. Seriously, not good. Would you feel better if you knew all the little intimate things that she did that she was supposed to be doing with you? I don't think so.

 

I do think so. Because if I was some lovesick puppy and if what it took was hearing details to make me see how disgusting a cheater is to help me grow the b@lls to dump her flat, then yes, telling me all the details is a good thing.

 

Sometimes it takes these details to help the betrayed do what they know they should do, but are just scared to do........get rid of the cheater.

[Spectre]

How is he not her first choice? If he wasn't her first choice, she wouldn't have realized what an idiot she's been and went back to him.

 

No, if he was her first choice, she would of never cheated. You need to understand that. I don't really care what excuses you give or what you tell yourself, you do not love your bf if you cheat on him, bottom line. Just like this guys girlfriend really doesn't love him, because she screwed another guy.

 

It really isn't that hard to not take off your clothes and screw another guy, yet you and this other chick couldn't even give your bf's enough respect to stop yourselves from doing that, all under the guise of needing attention and bla bla bla, that isn't love. Convince yourself it is all you like, I can see you already have.

 

Face facts, you(and this guys gf) f*cked up. You both didn't simply make mistakes, you royally f*cked up and you royally f*cked over guys you claim to care about. Instead of leaving them alone and letting them try to move on and find someone who will treat them right, you feel the need to make these poor guys suffer by filling their heads with the nonsensical notion that you "love" them and that they can "trust" you again. All the while knowing damn well they will never get completely over it. But hey, as long as you get what you want, everything is ok right?

 

She could've always moved on. She's choosing him because she knows there's no one better, it just took this to realize that. (speaking from my pov.)

 

Again, why does he want someone so messed up that they need to sleep with another person to realize they love him?

 

If you think you cheating on your bf is what made you realize you loved him, you have a sick twisted definition of love.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Spectre

[Replicant]

It's only been two months since this has all happened. The ONLY reason I did it was for the sex and attention. Slutty I know.

 

It's quite amazing the lengths you are going just to absolve your low class behavior in the mind of your boyfriend. If this person meant something to you, he would not exist in the state he does now as a result of your own behavior. Your selfishness blinds you to the reality that your actions were in fact extremely cruel to him, and the simple consequence of his new impression of the person you are is going to be the eternal fallout from such.

 

Have the decency to allow the guy find himself a real woman, one whom which he wont have to constantly question the integrity of for countless years to come. Not continue this charade and be a plague to his thinking because your fragile need for sex/attention allows you to become a temporary drive-thru for the mystery man of your choice outside normal relationship boundaries.

[pickleeater]

You say that there is no way that you could tell your boyfriend what really happened with this other guy, why is that? is the truth really that bad? I'm sure he doesn't want to know every little detail, but you owe it to him if you really want it back? How many lies can you cover up and run from? they will catch up with you and only make the both of you worse off if not surfaced.

 

is the reason you don't tell him is because your scared he will leave?if it is then you are selfish and are just dragging him down to your level. if he leaves you because you told him, atleast you are showing a little respect and you'lll both beable to walk away feeling some closure. if you don't tell him, you chance him never respecting you and or even talking to you again. if you want him in your life atleast as a friend, the WHOLE truth MUST be told.

 

And who knows, maybe he won't walk away once told. your bf needs the repect you didn't give him before. if you can't respect him for trying to make things work after what you've already done to him, then when will you? this isn't about you anymore! you know what you have to do!

 

side note- relationships of freinds/family that have delt with cheating of my experince that have worked, was because they were honest and had nothing to hide. Think about it, you've already been caught, are you going to keep digging a hole or get out of it?

 

good luck(you'll need it)

[nickilovespookie]

I'm just curious as to how many people here are in a happy relationship? How many of you have cheated or have been cheated on? Any success stories?

 

Everyone seems to be basically saying the same thing; let him go so he can find someone that thinks he's special, etc - well, we did try to let each other go. We DID break up but we both decided that we really do want to be together. He doesn't want to let me go and I don't want to let him go either. There was a point that I thought I did want to let him go and now I just realize we had some problems (not big ones) and I didn't know how to work on them. I also think I was having a bit of a commitment/cold feet problem. When I saw my single friends going out, meeting people, not being tied down that made me wonder, is it so great? Now I realize, it may be for some people but I don't want to live without my bf. And the friends that I have that are married, I feel like they're married for the wrong reasons, the one husband is lazy & takes advantage of my friend and the other is just mean and she shops (I think) excessively to compensate for her lack of true happiness. I also see other marriages fail (my Dad and Step mom is a perfect example - they're together for the simple fact that they have a 14 year old daughter together. Which is great but they are soooooo unhappy and it reflects on their daughter tremendously. While I know that we wouldn't or would try not to end up like these people, I got scared.)

 

We want to work on this and get past it to become stronger and in the end if it doesn't work, well, at least we can say we tried.

 

I must say though, all of this (what I would call somewhat negative response) it's helping me realize to definitely tell the truth. I'm not lying about anything and if what he really wants is to hear the truth about everything, I'll tell him. He already knows everything but if he wants more and wants to know every little detail, I'll tell him. Getting everyone's opinion here, I guess I would rather tell him every little truth and either still work past it or not but still walk away knowing we were honest.

 

I must say, I got the book "Not just friends" and I've started reading it and it's already helping. It's for preventing affairs and recovering from them (both sides).

 

I just hope no matter how long it takes that we can prove that things like this can work. Hey, the book says you can become a stronger bond after something like this. As long as your honest. So if that's what it will take, it's what I'll do.

[twice_shy]

I'm just curious as to how many people here are in a happy relationship? How many of you have cheated or have been cheated on? Any success stories?

 

In a happy relationship now.

 

Never cheated.

 

Been cheated on.

 

Success story? Yes. I divorced my cheating XW. Best success and decision I ever made.

[twice_shy]

Everyone seems to be basically saying the same thing; let him go so he can find someone that thinks he's special, etc - well, we did try to let each other go. We DID break up but we both decided that we really do want to be together. He doesn't want to let me go and I don't want to let him go either.

 

Thats because right now he isn't thinking clearly. Thats what happens to a BS or someone cheated on. They don't think clearly.

 

And alot of times after the decision is made to "work it out" is when the betrayed start to get comfortable again and all of a sudden they start thinking clearly and rationally and are not overwhelmed with the despair that cheating can bring.

 

Trust me, you two will work this out, he will get over his anger/desperation stage, and he will start throwing this back in your face from time to time, and rightfully so. you think you can deal with that?

 

I assure you, he will grow tired of it and either leave, or end up justifying in his own mind going out and cheating on you. Afterall, you did it, so he will feel you have no right to complain.

 

and if you think I am way off base, sorry. this comes from experience and I know what someone who has been betrayed thinks. been there, done that.

[nickilovespookie]

[quote name=

I assure you, he will grow tired of it and either leave, or end up justifying in his own mind going out and cheating on you. Afterall, you did it, so he will feel you have no right to complain.

 

and if you think I am way off base, sorry. this comes from experience and I know what someone who has been betrayed thinks. been there, done that.[/quote]

 

You're ONE person, ONE example. I just hope we can prove everyone wrong.

 

Now I'm sure there's going to be tons of posts contradicting my "one person, one example" so whatev. I just hope there are some success stories of overcoming something like this and staying together.

[twice_shy]

You're ONE person, ONE example. I just hope we can prove everyone wrong.

 

Now I'm sure there's going to be tons of posts contradicting my "one person, one example" so whatev. I just hope there are some success stories of overcoming something like this and staying together.

 

There may be a success story in there somewhere. Who knows. If he is okay with being a cuckold, then it might just work.

 

So let me ask you a question. How do you interact with someone you know will look at you once in a while that will have occasional suspicions about your intentions, or with someone that wonders if you are still cheating, or with someone that might look at you once in a while and have a little penned up disgust because of what you did?

 

You may get back to some kind of normal relationship with him. I'm not saying you won't. but he WILL have these thoughts about you pop up in his head once in a while. You ok with that?

[elij]

My girlfriend said she loved me long before we broke up, months before. We were happy, but every now and then my jealousy caused problems. She is very pretty, lots of guys hit on her. Finally, I said something really stupid, accused her of liking one of her male friends, which turned out to be completely ridiculous, and she justifiably got angry about it and that weakened our relation to the point that she became unsure of her feelings for me and went with this other guy. At the same time we had a big blow up, this other guy was aggressively making a play for her. She was justified in breaking with me for what I said, though of course its pretty horrible for her to move so quickly into another relation (and never tell me about the other guy).

 

The point is, she did not have to screw the other guy to realize she loved me, because she already did love me. She was angry with me, did not think we could solve our problems, and wanted to end it with me. When she ended it with me, my feelings for her only deepened. Losing her made me want her even more. So, I fought to win her back. Had I known that she was seeing this other guy, I might not have tried to win her back -- don't know what I would have done -- but I won her back and it was not until a month after we got back together that this other guy calls me and tells on her, tells me about his affair with her. He did it because he was pissed that she ended it with him and he says he loves my girlfriend. The thing is, until this guy called we were extremely happy together and then when he told me this we actually got closer together as we hashed things out. I saw real emotion from her, she could not fake the way she was with me. Its been a traumatic experience for her, too.

 

That said, I need her to tell me more, but she does not want to talk. One friend tells me I need to accept that this happened and try to wipe the slate clean, or break. It will come to that. I do know what happened, and have a good idea on why, but I just want to talk to her about it at least one more time. Though, again, when I try to talk to her about it she freaks out. She does not want to deal with it anymore. So, thats where we are at.

 

That said, I cheated on a prior girlfriend, not my present one. It was a semi-long distance relationship, there would be long periods when we were not together...and finally a friend where she lived told me he saw her with another guy.. When I found that out, I cheated on her. That said, my feelings for her never changed because of that cheating and we actually stayed together a few years more somehow. So, I personally know that one can maintain feelings for someone, regardless, in such instances. Still, its pretty horrible to cheat and it makes a mockery of the relation. I have never cheated on my present girlfriend. Don't ever want to cheat on anyone ever again. Moreso now, because this experience, being cheated on, makes me understand more than ever the suffering it causes the other person.

 

It bothers me a lot what has happened. I think at some point, to stay together, I will need to accept what happened and wipe the slate clean in my mind. But first, I need to think this through and believe in her again.

[MimiMe]

Never. It's like virginity... they may give you hymen plastic surgery but you know how it feels to not be a virgin!

[notgoodatthis]

The one thing we had before was trust. I know I’ve lost his trust but I also know that I can get it back. He loves me very much and I love him. I know the relationship won’t be the same for a long time but I think it can be sometime in the future.

 

The cheating occurred because I wasn’t getting any of his attention and in a way I felt like we were already broken up. We lived together more as roommates than lovers. I cheated on him on the morning of the day that I broke up with him. I had wanted to end it for a couple of weeks already.

 

It’s sad because I really love him so much and it was a biiiiiigg mistake. Especially since I knew the whole time that this other guy would never work. It was meaningless sex. I’ve never had that before.

 

My bf (or ex-bf) is a really strong man and he won’t use it as revenge or in a fight or anything.

 

And hey, even if we don’t work out because of trust or whatever, at least we can say we tried.

 

Does anyone have any experiences where it did work out?

 

Why do people always blame the person who was cheated on? I always hear the same "I wasn't getting attention" or "I wasn't getting my needs met at home". That's bull because relationships always have ups and downs. When the going gets rough, that does not give you the justification to cheat. God, that's weak. Anyway, I've been in his shoes and in fact, i am currently struggling with whether to take her back or not. Her situation was an alcohol-fueled cruise and she got crazy and had sex with some guy and ended up getting herpes. Not only do i have to find a way to get passed the cheating thing, I also have to find a way to accept her new souvenir from the cruise. It's hard because desire is a powerful thing. I dont think a relationship can ever be the same after cheating but once you are thrown into the situation, your thoughts change. Its easy for someone to give their opinions because they have no feelings for the person like you do. It's tough, it really is.

[nickilovespookie]

but he WILL have these thoughts about you pop up in his head once in a while. You ok with that?

 

Yep. I am.

[amor est vitae essen]

My girlfriend said she loved me long before we broke up, months before. We were happy, but every now and then my jealousy caused problems. She is very pretty, lots of guys hit on her. Finally, I said something really stupid, accused her of liking one of her male friends, which turned out to be completely ridiculous, and she justifiably got angry about it and that weakened our relation to the point that she became unsure of her feelings for me and went with this other guy. At the same time we had a big blow up, this other guy was aggressively making a play for her. She was justified in breaking with me for what I said, though of course its pretty horrible for her to move so quickly into another relation (and never tell me about the other guy).

 

The point is, she did not have to screw the other guy to realize she loved me, because she already did love me. She was angry with me, did not think we could solve our problems, and wanted to end it with me. When she ended it with me, my feelings for her only deepened. Losing her made me want her even more. So, I fought to win her back. Had I known that she was seeing this other guy, I might not have tried to win her back -- don't know what I would have done -- but I won her back and it was not until a month after we got back together that this other guy calls me and tells on her, tells me about his affair with her. He did it because he was pissed that she ended it with him and he says he loves my girlfriend. The thing is, until this guy called we were extremely happy together and then when he told me this we actually got closer together as we hashed things out. I saw real emotion from her, she could not fake the way she was with me. Its been a traumatic experience for her, too.

 

That said, I need her to tell me more, but she does not want to talk. One friend tells me I need to accept that this happened and try to wipe the slate clean, or break. It will come to that. I do know what happened, and have a good idea on why, but I just want to talk to her about it at least one more time. Though, again, when I try to talk to her about it she freaks out. She does not want to deal with it anymore. So, thats where we are at.

 

That said, I cheated on a prior girlfriend, not my present one. It was a semi-long distance relationship, there would be long periods when we were not together...and finally a friend where she lived told me he saw her with another guy.. When I found that out, I cheated on her. That said, my feelings for her never changed because of that cheating and we actually stayed together a few years more somehow. So, I personally know that one can maintain feelings for someone, regardless, in such instances. Still, its pretty horrible to cheat and it makes a mockery of the relation. I have never cheated on my present girlfriend. Don't ever want to cheat on anyone ever again. Moreso now, because this experience, being cheated on, makes me understand more than ever the suffering it causes the other person.

 

It bothers me a lot what has happened. I think at some point, to stay together, I will need to accept what happened and wipe the slate clean in my mind. But first, I need to think this through and believe in her again.

 

Wow, you've really become her apologist, haven't you? It seems like you're presenting her with a list of reasons why this could be *your* fault. Fact is, since when does *saying* something give anybody a reason to jump into bed with another person?

 

To take that further, you could have been a completly horrible person to her, it still wouldn't excuse it. Sure, it'd give her a reason to break-up with you, but not to cheat. And the whole 'Doing it realise it made me only want to be with you' defense is crap. If she didn't know how she felt before sleeping with somebody else, then she just didn't know, period.

 

I guess the real acid-test for you and the OP is this: if you had been the one to cheat, and given the same defence as has been presented to you, do you think your partner would forgive you? Really?

[amor est vitae essen]

Yesterday we were talking and he thinks there's still things out there that I've lied about that he wishes I would tell him bc he doesn't want to find out. What types of things does he mean? Were there more men? how many times I was with this other guy? etc. There was only one guy. What else does he think there would be? What is he wondering?

 

He doesn't trust you, that's why he's asking. And for every time he's asking you direct he will have been agonising over the answer for much longer. He can't accept that this has only happened once, because why would you do that? He doesn't understand, and it will take time before he does.

 

And in response to one of your earlier points, it really isn't any braver to stand by somebody who has cheated - it's actually the easier thing to do. People don't like change, and become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and the thought of leaving you and starting something new is scary. It's worse when you live with somebody and have to deal with moving-out and finding a new place, and the realisation you won't have constant company or somebody to cuddle-up to in bed each night.

 

Leaving is the braver move; convincing yourself that him staying makes him a better person is delusional.

 

And finally: did you feel guilty and horrible whilst engaged in the actual sex? Did you enjoy it? Did you think of your bf *at all*? Or was that only afterwards?

[nickilovespookie]

Leaving is the braver move; convincing yourself that him staying makes him a better person is delusional.

 

And finally: did you feel guilty and horrible whilst engaged in the actual sex? Did you enjoy it? Did you think of your bf *at all*? Or was that only afterwards?

 

This is all easy for everyone to say since they're not in our situation.

 

I thought about my bf yes but i thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I thought the relationship was done. It was really, I cheated on the day that I broke up with him, with those intentions. It happened (knowing that I was going to end things that night and I've wanted to for a while) and then we broke up that night.

[Cobra_X30]

This is all easy for everyone to say since they're not in our situation.

 

I thought about my bf yes but i thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I thought the relationship was done. It was really, I cheated on the day that I broke up with him, with those intentions. It happened (knowing that I was going to end things that night and I've wanted to for a while) and then we broke up that night.

 

Nicki,

 

I know you feel like your getting ripped up right now and that everyone is against you. Sometimes that "Us against the world" attitude works great for a relationship... it can pull you two together.

 

I want you to know why I counseled you to leave your BF and not go back... even before things blew up.

 

See, your relationship had problems... I saw some fundamental incompatibilities between you two. You saw that too otherwise you would never have chased after the other guy... right?

 

Well once you realized that the other guy was pretty much scum... now your back to the BF, and all of those problems are still there, Plus new ones. However, you feel guilty for what you did, and the other guy was crap, so your more willing to settle. Do you see where I'm going?

 

At some point you will meet someone who you just click with. Someone who would make you happier. Then... you will either cheat again and carry that guilt forever, or pass up real happiness because your afraid to leave a guy that kinda fits.

 

I'm not trying to rip you down... I'm just looking at things from the outside... from the vantage point of someone who isn't emotionally involved in the situation.

 

Whichever way you go... I wish you well.

[elij]

My guess is my girlfriend would have likely been long gone if I had done anything remotely similar. She is like that. I might have been, too, had I known sooner. But the thing is we got back together and were really happy...Despite it all, I genuinely have a lot of love for her, she declares -- and shows -- the same for me. We have even talked of getting married some day. I know that, given what has just happened, it would seem pretty foolish to get married. For sure, if we do stay together, we will not take any such step until there is solid trust.

It seems like the consensus from the regular commenters on this website is that once someone cheats, its all over. I generally understand that. But can any of you forsee reasons to forgive cheating? I'd be interested in hearing from people who can fathom forgiving someone for cheating, and why.

As for cheating, my girlfriend did do the right thing and break with me. Though, the same evening she decided to break with me she got together with this other guy (she has not said whether it was more than kissing, though I am assuming the worst). The next day she came to my house to tell me that "she was not sure if she was still in love with me" and that she was "confused" and "needed time to think." Again, at the time, she never told me there was someone else involved. Though, I suspected as much with statements such as that. It just did not correlate with her behaviour the day before. I also "suspect" something could have also happened in the days prior, though she says only that this other guy tried to kiss her one week prior at a party when I was away on a work trip.

Yet, while I am definitely not saying I am to blame for her affair, I do think my behavior was a strong contributor. Perhaps if we had been stronger as a couple she would have completely rejected the other guy, right?

The thing is, I really believe we are happy together if this never had happened. We actually were, until I found out. So, I know we can be happy. I believe for the most part I have solved my jealousy issues, for example. We should be stronger couple for all we have gone through together.

Still, it does bother me immensely that she did what she did. It is very painful to see her and know that she gave herself to this other man while I was doing everything I could to win her back. And it is this that I need to deal with if we're to stay together.

[Cobra_X30]

My guess is my girlfriend would have likely been long gone if I had done anything remotely similar. She is like that. I might have been, too, had I known sooner.

 

Listen, your relationship dynamic screams to me of an imbalance.

 

Your previous jealousy tells me that you have insecurity issues. Maybe you were too needy and that put her in the drivers seat.

 

It seems like the consensus from the regular commenters on this website is that once someone cheats, its all over. I generally understand that. But can any of you forsee reasons to forgive cheating? I'd be interested in hearing from people who can fathom forgiving someone for cheating, and why.

 

Not really. It's just the most respected posters who have had their wives go through long protracted affairs, had similar experiences as you Pre-Marriage. That's why you hear a lot of people say RUN!

 

Look up ThumbingMyWay. Or, Confuzd, or DazednConfused.... ect.

 

Realize that your situation is not new. This has happened since the beginning of time. I'm sure you think your different, heck I would too, but it's all happened before. So, read around. Search for similar stories.

 

As for cheating, my girlfriend did do the right thing and break with me. Though, the same evening she decided to break with me she got together with this other guy (she has not said whether it was more than kissing, though I am assuming the worst). The next day she came to my house to tell me that "she was not sure if she was still in love with me" and that she was "confused" and "needed time to think." Again, at the time, she never told me there was someone else involved. Though, I suspected as much with statements such as that. It just did not correlate with her behaviour the day before. I also "suspect" something could have also happened in the days prior, though she says only that this other guy tried to kiss her one week prior at a party when I was away on a work trip.

 

Dumping you the day before... isn't really the "right" thing to do. I mean I can respect that it's better than outright cheating, but she clearly left the door open to come back to you if the other guy didn't pan out. Otherwise she would have been HONEST about the other man.

 

That's what this is all about. At one point, she decided that there was someone better, and she went after him. So, you know she is shopping.

 

Yet, while I am definitely not saying I am to blame for her affair, I do think my behavior was a strong contributor. Perhaps if we had been stronger as a couple she would have completely rejected the other guy, right?

 

So, this is all your fault?

 

The thing is, I really believe we are happy together if this never had happened. We actually were, until I found out. So, I know we can be happy. I believe for the most part I have solved my jealousy issues, for example. We should be stronger couple for all we have gone through together.

 

You know... every relationship has highs and lows. It's how you handle yourself at the lowpoints that really tells what kind of relationship you have.

 

What do you think SHE has learned about herself from this? What has she learned about you?

 

Still, it does bother me immensely that she did what she did. It is very painful to see her and know that she gave herself to this other man while I was doing everything I could to win her back. And it is this that I need to deal with if we're to stay together.

 

How do you plan to deal with this? Meaning what emotional needs do you have? Build trust? Have justice/fairness? Gain her respect? Adoration? ... ect.

[BetrayedMM]

Does anyone have any experiences where it did work out?

 

Yes. We rebuilt trust, strengthened our bonds, took romantic dream vacations, the works. Full fledged recovery. Or so I thought.

 

And then she did it again, 7 years later.

 

Why? I don't know(seriously), but what I do know is instead of dealing with what is inside of her that made or allowed her to cheat, she swept it under the rug, referred to her choice as a mistake, looked for external reasons for her behavior instead of figuring herself out.

 

Well, NOW that it's too late, she goes to IC to try to get a handle on what's wrong. She's extremely unhappy with her life now, but that's no longer my problem. If you were to talk to her, she would probably scream at you to do something to get yourself in order before you wind up like her.

 

If you really want to rebuild trust, first take full responsibility for what you've done. Then figure out the real reason you chose to cheat. Share all of it with him, so he knows you're serious. And, whatever you do, stop trying to blame him for your choice. Also, red herrings like focusing exclusively on having him better meet your emotional needs may be good for the relationship in general, that's great for you, but will do nothing to help him trust you again. Cheating is one issue, needs are another. Needs do not cause cheating.

 

Know that the relationship will never be the same again. It is now defined by your cheating- the period before, the period after. It will NOT just go away. It has been destroyed. If you rebuild, don't try to do it on a weak foundation. Didn't work for us.

 

I'm not attacking you here at all. I'm trying to answer your questions, and really hope it works out for you, but it sounds like you have the wrong ideas about what it takes to rebuild trust.