Can a relationship get back what it once was?

[twice_shy]

Yep. I am.

 

Really? You are ok being with someone that sees you as nothing but a cheater from time to time?

 

You are ok with holding on to someone that wonders what life would be like if he found someone that respected him?

[amor est vitae essen]

This is all easy for everyone to say since they're not in our situation.

 

I thought about my bf yes but i thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I thought the relationship was done. It was really, I cheated on the day that I broke up with him, with those intentions. It happened (knowing that I was going to end things that night and I've wanted to for a while) and then we broke up that night.

 

It's easy to say because it's true, and having been there I can say it.

 

Humans in general like comfort; why do you think people are always talking about how relationships change when people get married? It's because they get comfortable, their tolerance for things changes and maybe little things that a single person would contest are compromised to maintain the status quo.

 

Not that it matters, but in the eyes of many people your bf will seem weak for staying with you (I don't actually agree with that philosophy, btw). The fact remains that staying is easier, because there is a comfort level that he doesn't want to lose (and nor do you, by the sounds of it). Leaving would mean change, and change can be scary.

 

Put it this way - whether he was with you or not, he'd still be torturing himself wondering why you did it.

 

Incidentally, I do actually wish you luck, and hope you both get what you want out of it.

[amor est vitae essen]

My guess is my girlfriend would have likely been long gone if I had done anything remotely similar.

 

So clearly she calls all the shots that matter in your relationship then, yes? If she wouldn't accept it, why should you?

 

Despite it all, I genuinely have a lot of love for her, she declares -- and shows -- the same for me.

 

I would have thought that sleeping with other men makes it hard for her to show love for you with a straight-face.

 

It seems like the consensus from the regular commenters on this website is that once someone cheats, its all over. I generally understand that.

 

I think you'll find it's not just this website where this opinion prevails, but out in the real world, too. That said, real-life isn't quite so simple when emotions are involved. In your situation though, I'm not sure where you can ever really go now; she dumped you, cheated on you, lied to you, yet you still fought to win her back. How much respect do you think you have in her eyes now, for putting up with all that and still running to her like a puppy-dog?

 

But can any of you forsee reasons to forgive cheating? I'd be interested in hearing from people who can fathom forgiving someone for cheating, and why.

 

I've forgiven cheating before, mainly because of the comfort thing (see my post to Nicki). But it was never the same, you lose a lot of faith in that person.

 

Yet, while I am definitely not saying I am to blame for her affair, I do think my behavior was a strong contributor. Perhaps if we had been stronger as a couple she would have completely rejected the other guy, right?

 

This is one of the worst things about cheating; your gf got to go have sex with other people, probably having a good time, and you're left with all the pain and misery and wondering if it was your fault. How is that fair?

 

And no, I think cheating is more a state of mind, rather than totally dependant on how a relationship is going. You hear of perfectly good relationships affected by cheating, not just bad ones.

 

The thing is, I really believe we are happy together if this never had happened. We actually were, until I found out. So, I know we can be happy.

 

Doesn't this just show she can happily lie to you without remorse?

 

Still, it does bother me immensely that she did what she did. It is very painful to see her and know that she gave herself to this other man while I was doing everything I could to win her back. And it is this that I need to deal with if we're to stay together.

 

This is the crux of it; if you can accept that there is a part of her that will happily lie to you, and that from now on you will always be looked-down upon by her, then you may have a chance. Because she now has seen just what she can get away with and still have you at her beck-and-call, she has the power in the relationship. If you can deal with all that, always be wondering where - and with whom she's with - when she goes out without you, then you may have a chance, but it won't be easy.

[elij]

I appreciate the comments.

 

My girlfriend fully understands that if any such thing were to happen again -- I am outta of there fast. I have made that clear.

 

She promises and promises never to do any such thing ever again.

 

The lying does bother me, but its also easy to understand the reasons for her lies. I am trying to be compassionate about it and see things from her point of view. I think that, in great part, the lying was done to not hurt me. She also says she never intended to have a long relationship with the other guy, so I think it was to keep the door open to me (she knows I would not likely have been fighting so hard to win her back otherwise). That said, I have told her many times I prefer the truth at all times, whether that truth is good or bad. I want to work to improve the honesty in our relationship.

 

Yes, one of the hard things about this is having to deal with the speculation of friends and acquaintances. I live in a small town, everyone seems to know the private lives of everyone else here. Gossip is a sport here. In some ways, thats just brought my girlfriend and I closer together. I have told her, and I mean it, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Still, for sure, I am angry sometimes that she has put me and us in this position. I am not awkward about my manliness, or my sexual prowess, though.

 

Its clear, to do what she did, she must have liked this other guy, though. How do I deal with that?

 

I think its good advice to focus on what lessons we can learn. Why this happened? That is still being determined. Its true, once someone has gone down the road of cheating, it can become a serial thing. They know whats possible. So, I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to reform a cheater -- is that possible? Isn't it possible, too, that once you touch a hot stove and realize it can burn you then you don't touch it again, i.e. if she knows that if she does this again its all over for us??

[twice_shy]

I appreciate the comments.

 

My girlfriend fully understands that if any such thing were to happen again -- I am outta of there fast. I have made that clear.

 

She promises and promises never to do any such thing ever again.

 

You know those commercials where someone slaps another upside the head and says "you could have had a V8"?

 

Well I'm doing that to you right now, only no V8

 

 

Its clear, to do what she did, she must have liked this other guy, though. How do I deal with that?

 

You either accept that she is attracted to the other guy, or you dump her.

 

 

I think its good advice to focus on what lessons we can learn. Why this happened? That is still being determined.

 

 

Sure there are lessons to be learned. But you can learn them and apply them with someone else. If you think you made mistakes in the relationship, thats good. You can move on from her and apply what you learned in a new relationship with someone else.

 

 

Its true, once someone has gone down the road of cheating, it can become a serial thing. They know whats possible. So, I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to reform a cheater -- is that possible?

 

In my opinion no. Oh your gf may not actually cheat ever again, but since you know she was attracted to someone and acted on it, you know that she would like to cheat, she just may make a decision not to. You willing to live with the fact that she will see a guy and would like to bone the hell out of him?

 

And it is my opinion that if the perfect opportunity arose, like if she went away on business or a girl's trip to Vegas or something, and some hot guy tried to woo her, she'd be back at the hotel in no time.

 

Not saying this to hurt. Just want you to wake up.

 

 

Isn't it possible, too, that once you touch a hot stove and realize it can burn you then you don't touch it again, i.e. if she knows that if she does this again its all over for us??

 

Anything is possible. Winning the lottery is possible.

[Cobra_X30]

My girlfriend fully understands that if any such thing were to happen again -- I am outta of there fast. I have made that clear.

She promises and promises never to do any such thing ever again.

 

Ok, first people learn most by actions not words. So you SAY that you will leave if it happens again. Will you still be believable in 10 years?

 

See it doesn't matter if you will or will not keep that promise. What matters is does she believe you will. So far your actions say no. Which is fine... just keep that in mind. Your actions on this say doormat, so at some point you need to create that power shift and take control of this relationship a bit.

 

Also... her promises are worthless. Watch what she does instead!

 

The lying does bother me, but its also easy to understand the reasons for her lies. I am trying to be compassionate about it and see things from her point of view.

 

Do you really believe that? Is that why people lie... to protect others? Your compassion will be your undoing in this. Instead, be compassionate about everything else... but hardline on this. Make sure you force her to see the difference. Otherwise she wont mentally compartmentalize it the way you need her to!

 

I think that, in great part, the lying was done to not hurt me.

 

I would wager a guess it was done to protect herself. She didn't want you to reject her. Why do you think different?

 

She also says she never intended to have a long relationship with the other guy, so I think it was to keep the door open to me (she knows I would not likely have been fighting so hard to win her back otherwise). That said, I have told her many times I prefer the truth at all times, whether that truth is good or bad. I want to work to improve the honesty in our relationship.

 

She never intended a long relationship? That's disturbing. So she just wanted to have sex with another guy for a little while?

 

Listen... what can YOU do to improve the honesty?

 

In some ways, thats just brought my girlfriend and I closer together. I have told her, and I mean it, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Still, for sure, I am angry sometimes that she has put me and us in this position. I am not awkward about my manliness, or my sexual prowess, though.

 

I told Nicki that this "us against the world" attitude can create an artificial togetherness!

 

I'm really worried about you in the long term bro! I think your going to get hurt. The more you talk about your situation... the worse it sounds.

 

Its clear, to do what she did, she must have liked this other guy, though. How do I deal with that?

 

Well, what you need to do is understand what made her attracted to this other guy. Part of that is asking her... but more than likely she wont really know herself. However, if you really listen to what she says... and doesn't say, it will lead you to the truth.

 

I have a rough theory, but you don't really want to hear it.

 

I think its good advice to focus on what lessons we can learn. Why this happened? That is still being determined. Its true, once someone has gone down the road of cheating, it can become a serial thing. They know whats possible. So, I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to reform a cheater -- is that possible? Isn't it possible, too, that once you touch a hot stove and realize it can burn you then you don't touch it again, i.e. if she knows that if she does this again its all over for us??

 

Make sure you are not learning the wrong lessons here! You had better walk out of here with a clear understanding of how she thinks!

 

See you cannot reform her! She has to do it herself. You can try to motivate or inspire her... but usually that doesn't last.

 

Believe this! I've seen women who were serial cheats... suddenly become completely monogamous with a new guy. Many times women will cheat because the two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Maybe you have 40 of the 50 things she is looking for in a man, so she convinces herself that your great and that she should love you... but inside has tons of turmoil over it.

[nickilovespookie]

I appreciate the comments.

 

My girlfriend fully understands that if any such thing were to happen again -- I am outta of there fast. I have made that clear.

 

She promises and promises never to do any such thing ever again.

 

The lying does bother me, but its also easy to understand the reasons for her lies. I am trying to be compassionate about it and see things from her point of view. I think that, in great part, the lying was done to not hurt me. She also says she never intended to have a long relationship with the other guy, so I think it was to keep the door open to me (she knows I would not likely have been fighting so hard to win her back otherwise). That said, I have told her many times I prefer the truth at all times, whether that truth is good or bad. I want to work to improve the honesty in our relationship.

 

Yes, one of the hard things about this is having to deal with the speculation of friends and acquaintances. I live in a small town, everyone seems to know the private lives of everyone else here. Gossip is a sport here. In some ways, thats just brought my girlfriend and I closer together. I have told her, and I mean it, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Still, for sure, I am angry sometimes that she has put me and us in this position. I am not awkward about my manliness, or my sexual prowess, though.

 

Its clear, to do what she did, she must have liked this other guy, though. How do I deal with that?

 

I think its good advice to focus on what lessons we can learn. Why this happened? That is still being determined. Its true, once someone has gone down the road of cheating, it can become a serial thing. They know whats possible. So, I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to reform a cheater -- is that possible? Isn't it possible, too, that once you touch a hot stove and realize it can burn you then you don't touch it again, i.e. if she knows that if she does this again its all over for us??

 

First of all, I commend you on your level of maturity and I think you’re more of a man than any man here. Real men don’t give up, that is, if their gut doesn’t tell them to and if your intuition says go ahead. Coming from her side (me being the cheater) if she’s anything like me, she will not cheat on your again. I strongly recommend that you get the book “Not just friends” (recommended by another poster on this site.

 

She did lie, yes. But in my opinion now that it has happened she won’t lie again (atleast I wont) because why? She has learned from this whole thing that it would have been a whole lot easier to just tell the truth (sometimes it takes this to realize that). But if she were planning to not be honest with you anymore, she would leave. No one likes to lie and she wasn’t trying to protect you, she was trying to protect herself from hurting you. (I’m learning this in the book). Seriously, the book is great, very enlightening. We didn’t think “to just tell the truth” we were blinded by the horrible things we were doing. (I bet I won’t hear the end of this from the other posters that this is a crock) but it’s not. I wouldn’t waste my time bull****ting bull****ters if I wasn’t serious or sure.

 

I’m glad you don’t care what anyone else thinks. Neither does my bf. He is so mature, this is what a REAL MAN is all about. Women are the ones that are supposed to care what other people think, not men. You will be angry that she has put you in the position yes, she f*cked everything up and trust me, even if she doesn’t show it (like I do sometimes) it is eating her up inside. Which is why talking about it would be a good idea. I’m sure she is kicking herself in the ass over and over and it makes her stomach churn by the thought of f*cking up a great thing. There were easier alternatives that could’ve gotten her where she wanted to go. But, now the vase is broken, so what, glue it back together. Yes, it will never look the same so paint it and add some beautiful flowers. Make it stronger than before, use super glue. Whatev.

 

She might have liked the other guy? Of course, she was blinded. Trust me; the guy that I cheated with is a loser. So far from what I would ever want from a man. Completely the opposite of my bf. I think that’s natural when choosing an affair partner. You think you don’t want what you have so naturally you seek out the opposite. Read the book. Try to do it together. Maybe rent 2 copies so you both can read it nsync. You’ll shed some light.

 

Trust me; it will not become a serial thing. If you touch the stove, you don’t touch it again. And if you want to touch it, you use a frickin hot mit, so if we find ourselves in the same situation, it would be a whole lot different. I would be honest and tell him something’s up – now knowing, he (you) can handle anything.

 

You may want to try couples counseling, suggest it to her, chances are, she’ll love you more for not being a dick and wanting to do whatever it takes to fix it. My bf and I are starting in a couple weeks.

[Cobra_X30]

First of all, I commend you on your level of maturity and I think you’re more of a man than any man here. Real men don’t give up, that is, if their gut doesn’t tell them to and if your intuition says go ahead. Coming from her side (me being the cheater) if she’s anything like me, she will not cheat on your again. I strongly recommend that you get the book “Not just friends” (recommended by another poster on this site.

 

Trust me; it will not become a serial thing. If you touch the stove, you don’t touch it again. And if you want to touch it, you use a frickin hot mit, so if we find ourselves in the same situation, it would be a whole lot different. I would be honest and tell him something’s up – now knowing, he (you) can handle anything.

 

I understand that you feel some kind of connection here... but you should not tell him that his GF thinks the way you do! That she won't lie again... that she wont cheat again.

 

You can't even explain to me what makes your BF better than before... other than the fact that he is willing to take you back. Foolishness, there were problems previously... and they were not all yours! So is he working to fix them? Or are you just going to stick your head in the sand until one day you realize you can't breathe!

 

I'm glad your learning. You are the same person you were before... but with the reading effort and study you can better control your emotions and actions. I believe you when you say that you won't have this issue in the future.

 

Also, please don't try to tell me what a "Real Man" does or does not do.

[elij]

There are a lot of parallels in our stories. But, of course, I know that my girlfriend is different. Still, its great to hear Nicki's point of view, as she is in a similar position to that of my girlfriend.

 

In the case of my girlfriend, the big thing is getting her to talk about her affair. She cringes every time I even mention the name of the guy. She has no interest in continuing with this other guy, and thats a relief. I am trying to figure out when and how to get her to talk to me more about why she did what she did. Though, I probably know already why it happened, it would still help me internalize things if I could talk to her more. That said, I don't want to get us stuck in crisis mode -- I want us to have a good life together again.

 

I think you're right, Cobra, probably the best way to guard against cheating is to inspire my girlfriend to not go down that path ever again. So, in that vein, I think we need to be happy again. Striking a balance between dealing with the serious betrayal that has occurred, and moving forward, that is the challenge.

 

At this time, I have made a decision to continue this relation. I know, I know, you commenter guys have wisdom and compelling reasons to tell me to run -- but its a risk I am willing to take. I might come back here acting like a cynical, bitter, old man who has been twice-cheated by this girl. But I want to believe that she can change. I want to see the positive in this. Most of you commenters are here because you have had problems in your relations, just like I do now. But the people who have moved on and successfully overcome affairs by their mates -- where are they? Are any such people listening now?

 

I think that, as much as we all despise the fact that Nicki cheated as she did, she ought to be complimented on her mature way of dealing with the aftermath and trying to be a better person because of it.

 

I still have a ways to go in setting things straight with my girlfriend, I am not naive (on that note, thanks a lot to all of you for awakening me to the ways of lying, cheats), but I do always have the option to get off the bus if it looks like we are going to crash again. I am going into this phase of our relationship with my eyes open. But I want to also set us up for success, not failure.

[zicke]

First of all, I commend you on your level of maturity and I think you’re more of a man than any man here. Real men don’t give up, that is, if their gut doesn’t tell them to and if your intuition says go ahead. Coming from her side (me being the cheater) if she’s anything like me, she will not cheat on your again. I strongly recommend that you get the book “Not just friends” (recommended by another poster on this site.

 

She did lie, yes. But in my opinion now that it has happened she won’t lie again (atleast I wont) because why? She has learned from this whole thing that it would have been a whole lot easier to just tell the truth (sometimes it takes this to realize that). But if she were planning to not be honest with you anymore, she would leave. No one likes to lie and she wasn’t trying to protect you, she was trying to protect herself from hurting you. (I’m learning this in the book). Seriously, the book is great, very enlightening. We didn’t think “to just tell the truth” we were blinded by the horrible things we were doing. (I bet I won’t hear the end of this from the other posters that this is a crock) but it’s not. I wouldn’t waste my time bull****ting bull****ters if I wasn’t serious or sure.

 

I’m glad you don’t care what anyone else thinks. Neither does my bf. He is so mature, this is what a REAL MAN is all about. Women are the ones that are supposed to care what other people think, not men. You will be angry that she has put you in the position yes, she f*cked everything up and trust me, even if she doesn’t show it (like I do sometimes) it is eating her up inside. Which is why talking about it would be a good idea. I’m sure she is kicking herself in the ass over and over and it makes her stomach churn by the thought of f*cking up a great thing. There were easier alternatives that could’ve gotten her where she wanted to go. But, now the vase is broken, so what, glue it back together. Yes, it will never look the same so paint it and add some beautiful flowers. Make it stronger than before, use super glue. Whatev.

 

She might have liked the other guy? Of course, she was blinded. Trust me; the guy that I cheated with is a loser. So far from what I would ever want from a man. Completely the opposite of my bf. I think that’s natural when choosing an affair partner. You think you don’t want what you have so naturally you seek out the opposite. Read the book. Try to do it together. Maybe rent 2 copies so you both can read it nsync. You’ll shed some light.

 

Trust me; it will not become a serial thing. If you touch the stove, you don’t touch it again. And if you want to touch it, you use a frickin hot mit, so if we find ourselves in the same situation, it would be a whole lot different. I would be honest and tell him something’s up – now knowing, he (you) can handle anything.

 

You may want to try couples counseling, suggest it to her, chances are, she’ll love you more for not being a dick and wanting to do whatever it takes to fix it. My bf and I are starting in a couple weeks.

 

No offense, you're a cheater. Your words are just that. Words. How can someone trust someone who broke that trust? You weren't honest in the first place. I don't get why you think that it would be any different in the future? It was convenient for you to lie, and you did. To me, it's a character thing. It's who you are. I don't cheat, because I don't cheat. Period. I have too much respect for myself and for the person I am with at the time.

 

Who's to say that your hormones won't take over again when some other "loser" makes himself available to you? What is your boyfriend's guarantee? There never is one, but I can guarantee every future boyfriend that I have never, cheated. Kind of like buying a used car. I never had an accident, you have...which car would you buy? Almost like buying a warranty on a car. You hope you don't need it, but when it comes down to it, you are dang glad you made the initial investment.

 

I've been cheated on. It has changed how I relate to men now. Yes, it is now my issue, but once you go from trusting someone to never do you wrong to finding out that they're shuppting the fat chick at work, you kind of wonder what the hell just happened here.

 

How can you go from being 100% secure in the fact that you would never cheat, not even if Benicio Del Toro was hitting on you on a daily basis, to finding out that your Fiancee was doing the company bicycle? How do you not project that on to every man you get involved with in the future? How do you even begin to trust that same man who cheated on you and claims to love you? You can't. It will always be in the back of your head that this person, who claimed to love and respect you, just **** all over your relationship with them. That is how a cheater feels about your relationship. It's expendable. Their hormones are more important than the trust they built up with you.

 

Nice ain't it? Good luck with couples therapy.

[nickilovespookie]

Thanks and I hope you really mean it.

 

I'd rather look back and say we worked on our relationship than just to say something happened and we said eff it.

 

Good luck everyone, you all need it.

[zicke]

Thanks and I hope you really mean it.

 

I'd rather look back and say we worked on our relationship than just to say something happened and we said eff it.

 

Good luck everyone, you all need it.

 

No, we don't need it...you do. You wanna know something?

 

I forgave said cheater, and low and behold, there was someone else he did it with. There will always be someone else, there will always be something that "drives" him to cheating...and it ain't me! It's him. I am a wonderful woman, I am called beautiful by many men, or people, I am warm, friendly, sexy, accomplished, intelligent warm, faithful and loyal, financially stable, multilingual, well read, giving, in very good shape...but, still, I was cheated on. My fault right? **** you.

 

Good luck!

[twice_shy]

Thanks and I hope you really mean it.

 

I'd rather look back and say we worked on our relationship than just to say something happened and we said eff it.

 

I'd rather have the kind of relationship with someone that I can look back on and not say she cheated on me.

 

Call me crazy, but I like fidelity.

[twice_shy]

No, we don't need it...you do. You wanna know something?

 

I forgave said cheater, and low and behold, there was someone else he did it with. There will always be someone else, there will always be something that "drives" him to cheating...and it ain't me! It's him. I am a wonderful woman, I am called beautiful by many men, or people, I am warm, friendly, sexy, accomplished, intelligent warm, faithful and loyal, financially stable, multilingual, well read, giving, in very good shape...but, still, I was cheated on. My fault right? **** you.

 

Good luck!

 

No it wasn't you. Cheaters are among the most selfish people on the planet.

 

Notice she called her man a "REAL MAN". Yet she felt the need to cheat on him. Damn, if she'll cheat on a "REAL MAN", I'd hate to think what she'd do with someone she felt wasn't quite as "real".

[nickilovespookie]

Like I said, good luck.

[nickilovespookie]

There will always be someone else, there will always be something that "drives" him to cheating...and it ain't me! It's him. I am a wonderful woman, I am called beautiful by many men, or people, I am warm, friendly, sexy, accomplished, intelligent warm, faithful and loyal, financially stable, multilingual, well read, giving, in very good shape...but, still, I was cheated on. My fault right? **** you.

 

No one said it was your fault. You know, I think you should get the book too. "Not just friends". By your trying to convince me (and yourself) of all these great things about you and why anyone would ever cheat on you makes me think that you need some insight to the whole thing.

 

I'm done here trying to argue the fact that many people cheat, they're not scum (if they try to fix it and learn from it) and try to convince you people otherwise. You already have your "opinions" but the only thing I would like to say is that the people that cheated on you weren't special enough to hold on to so in that sense we are so not on the same playing field.

 

Maybe we won't work, maybe we will, but I know one thing, I'll never cheat again and at least we can say we tried despite what happened. Oh I know, "i'd rather look back and say it never happened" well me too but it did so now we have to deal with it accordingly.

 

Thanks for the "constructive criticism".

[zicke]

No one said it was your fault. You know, I think you should get the book too. "Not just friends". By your trying to convince me (and yourself) of all these great things about you and why anyone would ever cheat on you makes me think that you need some insight to the whole thing.

 

I'm done here trying to argue the fact that many people cheat, they're not scum (if they try to fix it and learn from it) and try to convince you people otherwise. You already have your "opinions" but the only thing I would like to say is that the people that cheated on you weren't special enough to hold on to so in that sense we are so not on the same playing field.

 

Maybe we won't work, maybe we will, but I know one thing, I'll never cheat again and at least we can say we tried despite what happened. Oh I know, "i'd rather look back and say it never happened" well me too but it did so now we have to deal with it accordingly.

 

Thanks for the "constructive criticism".

 

I am not trying to convince myself of anything, but nice try. I rock, and cheaters suck. You don't know if you will never cheat again, because your life isn't over yet. But past behavior is a good indicator of future actions. You are not more special than any other cheater, you are the same.

 

So, while I do sincerely hope that you've learned something, I don't believe you. Your attitude is very casual, and you don't quite seem to realize just how much you betrayed your boyfriends trust and how every woman after you will be reaping what you sowed.

 

But, it's all about you right?

[nickilovespookie]

But, it's all about you right?

 

 

 

Right.

 

Get the book.

[nicki]

Hey, maybe you did learn something. You know why you cheated, so you can fix the dynamic with your boyfriend that caused the feelings you had that led you to cheating. (the feelings were okay, the behavior wasn't.)

 

You did break up with your boyfriend immediately after. You recognized that the relationship was over and couldn't continue after you did what you did. I think that's a good thing. It would have said far worse about your character if you had continued the affair and lied to your boyfriend about it.

 

Do I think you have a good chance at working things out with him? Yes, if you take 100% responsibility and vow to build trust. Giving your boyfriend all the power (temporarily) will help. Ask him what you need to do to rebuild trust. And then do everything he says.

 

Let him act paranoid. If he wants to know where you are 24-7, then so be it. Give him no attitude, and the truth so your words will validate your actions. Never get defensive. Understand that when things are "good," he will understandably go back the hurt feelings and need reassurance that everything is "real."

 

I agree with the posters about what cheating does to someone. You need to fully and seriously understand what you have caused. You need to be humble about it.

 

And you need to promise your boyfriend that you will not only never ever cheat again, but that you will come to him with all your concerns. Let him know that you will break up with him before ever cheating again.

 

But, in the end, it's his decision if he stays or goes. If it looks like he is miserable and can't trust you, then it might be the kindest thing for you to walk away so he won't hurt anymore.

 

I wish you well. Everyone here has tried to help you. There's so much experience speaking to you. I hope it helps you, whatever road you go down.

[nicki]

Don't know who said that they don't cheat because they have made the decision to not cheat, but that's exactly right!

 

You won't get into trouble if that becomes your decision. Never cheat, no matter what. Then every boyfriend/girlfriend's behavior doesn't matter. You won't cheat, ever. Because it's your value. Your behavior.

 

If you feel neglected in the future, you won't look to outside people for validation and power. You will go to your boyfriend and give him a chance to work on the dynamic. You will do your work. You will evaluate how things are going, and then decide whether to stay or to go.

 

Sometimes we have to learn our values by doing the wrong thing and then learning how to make things right. As long as our values and beliefs become healthier, then you don't have to live in the past. You've made a new future.

 

But, as many posters have pointed out, not everyone does the work necessary to actually build new values or skills....so be aware of your core beliefs at all times.

[twice_shy]

Like I said, good luck.

 

this is just oozing with sincerity isn't it?

[Cobra_X30]

Right.

 

Get the book.

 

NickiLove,

 

Just one question.

 

Do you understand what I am warning you about?

 

Seriously... I think your a good person, I think you are working hard to make things right. I don't want you to run into a wall down the road.

[twice_shy]

I'm done here trying to argue the fact that many people cheat, they're not scum

 

You are right, they are saints *rolling eyes*

 

 

You already have your "opinions" but the only thing I would like to say is that the people that cheated on you weren't special enough to hold on to so in that sense we are so not on the same playing field.

 

Gee, and thats what we are trying to tell you. You "cheated and you are not special enough to hold on to", so in that sense your man, if he were smart, should move on. Your logic here, you said it yourself. You are comparing yourself to another cheater and thinking somehow you are better than someone with the same traits as yourself.

 

 

Maybe we won't work, maybe we will, but I know one thing, I'll never cheat again and at least we can say we tried despite what happened. Oh I know, "i'd rather look back and say it never happened" well me too but it did so now we have to deal with it accordingly.

 

Nobody should have to deal with it at all if one party in the R had any integrity.

 

 

Thanks for the "constructive criticism".

 

It is what it is. People on here say things out of experience. Alot of times it aint pretty and thats the way the truth is most of the time.

 

Sorry if you don't like it.

[twice_shy]

So, while I do sincerely hope that you've learned something, I don't believe you. Your attitude is very casual, and you don't quite seem to realize just how much you betrayed your boyfriends trust and how every woman after you will be reaping what you sowed.

 

Well if this guy is a "real man" then he won't hold the next woman accountable for his past cheater's actions.

 

Case in point. I am seeing a wonderful woman right now. Most people will say, "well how do you know she won't cheat on you either". Answer is, I don't. We have even had the discussion. She has been cheated on, I have been cheated on, and we both know that it is something neither of us will tolerate. One fek up and the other is gone toot sweet. No arguing, no wondering why...just packing up our stuff and leaving.

 

I will trust her completely until she gives me a reason not to. Then it will just simply be over.

 

So if her current man is worth his salt, he will give future women the benefit of the doubt and won't judge them by some other cheater that was in his life.

 

 

But, it's all about you right?

 

with cheaters, it always is.

[twice_shy]

Right.

 

Get the book.

 

See, there you go. That right there says it all about your attitude. I rest my case that your man is better off without someone like you.

Edited March 28, 2008 by twice_shy