Lost and hurt, I can't do this again.

[LostAlone]

I don't know why I am posting in here, a friend asked me if I would as a favour , he thinks I need to talk to someone, but I have trust issues >.> I find it hard to talk. Well I promised I would post here so I guess here goes. I appologise in advance for rambling, it's a long long story.

 

Right now it seems my past is repeating, or maybe I never really escaped from it in the first place? I don't know anymore. I just know that I can't keep on being hurt.

 

So, where to start? I guess the beginning would be a good place.

 

When I was 15, I was like any other normal teenage girl, I was quite popular, I had good grades, outgoing xD cue my first relationship. I fell head over heels, and he was so amazing, but, the longer we went out, the more controlling he became. He was older than me, and used to get frustrated because I wanted to wait before having sex. People have always said I am very pretty, he used to say so too, he decided I was too pretty to talk to other guys. So he used to lock me in his room whenever we went out, I used to tell my mom we had gone here or there, but in reality he used to keep me locked away, or somewhere he could keep an eye on me. He used to go on at me all the time to sleep with him, claiming it was what I would do if I really loved him. Then the beatings started, the more I refused to sleep with him, the angrier he used to get, beating me up soon became a regular thing, but he never hit me where the bruises would be obvious.

 

One day he actually did take me out, we went to the cinema and we ate popcorn and we had so much fun, I thought that maybe things were about to get better. We got back that day, we argued again about sex, he said that it was his right, I still said no, he hit me, hard, he hit me again and again and I fell on the floor, he held me down and he raped me. Afterwards he said if I told anyone he would kill me. I tried to put it behind me, after that time, rape became almost as common as the beatings, every time I tried fighting, but every time I lost. Short while later I missed a period, I was pregnant, when I told him about it, he beat me up so badly that I had a miscarriage, I sat there bleeding on the floor clutching my stomach as I lost my baby, and he laughed, " well at least now I don't have to pay for you to get rid of the little bastard" after that, I don't know how, but I finally managed to escape.

 

The next few months went so fast, I managed to get myself back on track I passed my GCSE exams with flyinf colours and got into the sixth form. I was finally getting somewhere again. That is until, when I was 17, I went to stay with my grandma for the summer, I was doing part time work as a waitress and a Managers assistant where she lived, I loved it, I had my own money and relative freedom. But, there was this man there staying with her too, he was an odd job man who was helping people in the village, he creeped me out to be honest, he was always saying things to me, like he though I must give amazing blow jobs because of how beautiful my mouth is, my grandma didnt know any of this, and I was too scared to tell her, then one day she asked me to show him around the place where we were, (it is a small island community), I didnt want to but she called me rude. We were walking around the island when we reached the dunes, once we were beyond the first lot, he grabbed hold of me and pushed me down, his hands were up my top and he was kissing me, I fought back but he was much much stronger than me, luckily a doggy ran out of the dunes and he stopped because he knew the owner must be nearby, he dragged me to my feet, told me to stop crying and we went back to my grandma's house.

 

I only had a few more days left there, I told my self that I would be fine and everything would be alright, then one night, my grandma told us she was going out, and that she didnt know what time she was going to be back ._. my stomach dropped, I hid in my room that night, told myself I just had to last until the morning. I woke up, it was raining, and I knew he was in my room, he covered my mouth and told me that he would snap my neck if I called out, he used to be in the military so I knew he was capable of it. He held me down, same as before I tried to fight, I even bit him, but he still won, and I remember thinking to myself as he raped me, I wonder what the hell I have done to deserve this.

 

I returned home, threw myself back into my studies, I isolated myself from everyone, didn't eat, didn't talk much, just hid within myself. I got a new boyfriend, he cheated on me with my best friend, another guy stole from my mom, I was hurt again and again, beaten again by some guys, emotionally destroyed by others.

 

December 2006, 2 of my friends died in a car crash, I never told them how much they meant to me. This pushed me further away from everything. April 2007, and suddenly everything became better, my one friend who had been my friend for 8 years, we developed a relationship, and it was so wonderful, I knew he would never hurt me (: that is, until I found out he was using me for sex until something better came along ._.

 

May 2007, I lost another friend to another car crash, I developed an eating disorder, anorexia, my mom figured out something was wrong and monitered my eating, so I became bulimic instead. Summer 2007 I took an overdose and tried to kill myself, luckily (I guess) it didn't work. I tried to put everything behind me. It worked I guess, I blocked everything off and refused to feel anymore. I didn't want to feel anymore.

 

Now, my grades at college are slipping badly, I pretty much failed my last semester, I have so much all kept inside of me that it hurts all the time, but I don't want to let people down by being sad, so I hide it. I feel like crying a lot, I have really bad insomnia, when I sleep I have nightmares.

 

I'm now stuck, my older sister and her boyfriend have moved in with us, and I can feel things getting bad already. He always says things to me, like he tells me he wants to do stuff to me, the first time he tried to touch me he just pressed himself against me, the second time he tried to put his hand down my pants, the third time he was drunk, he tried to rape me but couldnt get my buttons undone :3 so I kicked him, and he beat me up bit >.> but thats better than being raped again. Now he keeps saying things all the time, like saying how good I smell and that he wants to **** me. He says that no one would believe me if I said anything ._. and when I tried telling my older sister she had a major fit, calling me jealous and saying I was trying to ruin her happiness.

 

I'm not sure how much more I can take, but I am angry and upset and I am scared to death that if I get hurt again I wont be able to take it.

 

Thank you for listening, I guess I just don't know what to do.

[TigerCub]

I'm very sorry to hear that you've had such *****ty luck with people and you've been abused and hurt so badly.

 

I really think that you should see a therapist that will help you deal with your issues and heal and maybe even teach you to speak out more when things happen and teach you that the things that happened to you weren't your fault.

 

You really need to learn how to recognize people that are bad from the start.

 

I know that you have trust issues - and I definitely don't blame you for that, but a therapist will help you without judgement and everything said will be confidencial.

 

As far as your sister is concerned, well I don't know the background on the history between the two of you, but I know that I wouldn't doubt my sister if she ever told me something like that - so if she chooses not to believe, then that's her deal and she can suffer the consequences of it, but if you can remove yourself from the boyfriend's presence, I suggest you do so.

 

Sorry that you suffered so much and I wish you luck in finding help from reliable sources

 

good luck!

[soconfused01]

jesus christ.

 

 

move out, stay at a friend's house or a shelter until you can. all the inconvienience is not worth getting raped again, remember that! get away and seek therapy

[Taramere]

I see you've just written the one post, Lostalone - and I'd imagine that even though this is an anonymous forum it must have felt like a major exposure to put all this down. Not to mention being incredibly draining emotionally.

 

I think abusers do unfortunately have a sixth sense for people who have already been abused. Add into this the fact that the one guy you've met who seemed kind, gentle and trustworthy ended up letting you down, and it's understandable that you'd be left wondering if it's possible that there can be anything good out there.

 

There is, but in order to attract those good things into your life you need some really skilled help to start sorting out all those bleak internal messages that all these experiences have left you with.

 

There will be resources in your area that can help you find the right counsellor to help you deal with this. Rape crisis, child abuse helplines....You don't necessarily need to be a child to contact one.

I used to work on a helpline like that, and nobody working there would ever have turned away a call on the basis that the caller wasn't a child. We'd let people talk for as long as they needed to - and they could always call back if they needed to.

 

I'm sure that the helplines in your area would operate on the same basis. Please contact one. It's usually free to call - but you need to make that call from a place you feel relatively safe....where you're unlikely to be interrupted. You must make that call, and start finding as many resources as you can to get the practical and emotional support you need.

 

A board like this can provide people with support of sorts...but I don't think it's equipped to offer the kind of help you need and deserve. Even if there are posters here who are trained counsellors, I don't see that a public message board can offer the safe, private environment that's essential for you to explore this properly.

 

I don't know how you express yourself in person, but notwithstanding the horror of the events and circumstances you're referring to, you express yourself beautifully and articulately in writing. You're obviously a very bright, sensitive person with some incredibly insight and coping skills. I honestly think you'd flourish with the right counselling - and I wish you the best of luck in getting help to start turning things around. Take care of yourself.

[Els]

There really is no need to say anything other than:

 

SEEK HELP!!

 

FAST.

 

While you certainly did not do anything to deserve what happened to you, you do have the power to stop it. You are only causing yourself more suffering by allowing it to happen.

 

I don't know where you live, but there must surely be authority, welfare, etc. How about your MOM? She seems concerned about you. Tell her about your sister's bf.