Driving me crazy with his not doing chores

[milvushina]

I am really, really going crazy. I felt like my husband and I had a breakthrough a few months ago about housework. It was the first time I had ever felt like I was not doing the majority of the work. And then lately his contributions have just dwindled away again.

 

We both work full time. We both get home mentally but not physically tired. I'm pregnant right now, so we have to have decent dinners. So far this month, I've cooked every night but one. It is not unusual for me to get home at 5:30, start cooking dinner at 6, and do chores until 8:30 and go to bed at 9:30 (I'm tired a lot). He gets home at 4:00, does nothing, picks me up, and then does nothing again. If I ask him to do something specific like take out trash or wash a pan that I need he will do it but not without saying something like "anything else?" all sarcastically. I hate that! It is so unfair.

 

If I bring up something that is not being done, for ex. yesterday I said we needed to clean our lizard's cage more often, he says, well I have too much to do already. What? When? I don't know a diplomatic way to say that so I just didn't say anything.

 

I don't think I'm unrealistic. I don't mind a house that looks lived in. But meals and dishes do need to be done every day and a multitude of other things need to be done at least once a week. My options seem to be to do everything myself or to bark out specific orders. That is not my job. I don't want someone to follow directions I want him to just help.

 

So far, I have tried to suggest a checklist of some kind where we either divide up chores and make a list by day or just divide them up and promise to do what we're responsible for. He thinks that is just too much like work. I made one just to help me, and it does help, but I still have the frustration of knowing I'm giving up my free time to do more than my share of work. I really don't think he thinks my standards are too high either. I think he is just being selfish.

 

Help please! There has got to be a better way to make my case than what I am doing even though I am trying so hard to be nice about it. I am sick of talking without getting any results and I can't start nagging all the time because I would hate myself and it would be bad for my marriage. My worst fear is that we will end up just like my parents because my mom was always angry about doing an unfair amount of work and it played a big part in breaking them up.

 

I'm going to stop now, I could go on all day probably. I keep a lot of frustration bottled up because to him it would just sound like criticism and I think he would not listen if I just laid out all my complaints. But it feels good to do so.

[Tripper]

Let me see if I've got this straight. You're pregnant, work full time and do most of the house work. Hubby doesn't help and doesn't get the picture??

 

Your H is not only selfish but he is being obtuse. You need to make him understand in no uncertain terms his laziness and your frustration.

 

Actions speak louder than words and I may get flamed for my suggestion but you are getting no where being nice about it.

 

Clean up after yourself only. Do your laundry, cook only for yourself, wash your dishes and if you cook for him serve him his dinner on his unwashed plate. Make only your side of the bed.

Yeah, it'll probably lead to a confrontation, but you need to get his attention and quickly.

 

Let me guess... he came from a home where his mama did everything for him.

[carhill]

I think the operative behavior isn't what mama did for him but what he did for himself prior to marriage.

 

When a woman visits a man's "bachelor pad", take it all in. Don't romanticize it. Don't think you'll change him or "train" him.

 

In my relationship (marriage), the gender-stereotype roles are reversed, and my wife is, in most ways, naturally the way she was as a single person. She works outside the home, so things get done on the weekends. The philosophy, though not as pervasive as it once was, is "I worked all day; I'm tired; it can wait". I work at home, not in the home but on the property, so "have more time" to take care of things.

 

I've tried to impress upon her the minimal time it takes to do chores which keep the house "presentable", and she does try, but tends to slip back into old patterns. When such occurs, for me, there must be balance elsewhere (in our relationship) for me to overlook or take on additional responsibilities.

 

I'm sure, if I did everything, she'd be smiling all the time, even as they're nailing my coffin shut

Edited February 22, 2008 by carhill

[milvushina]

I have been extra frustrated lately so I probably was hard on him. Still, everything I said was true. I am just not ready to stop being nice and do what you suggest Tripper. It sounds like it might feel good, but really don't you think that would just start a war?

 

He is not a jerk because he does nice things other than work. He runs errands more often because of his schedule, rubs my feet stuff like that.

 

So how do you get your wife to help out? Without just griping at her constantly. I don't mind that he has good periods and then has trouble. Most of us have trouble changing our pattern. But I know he hasn't always been so lazy. He used to cook his own meals and do his own laundry. We could both be called messy but there's a big difference between messy clutter and dishes growing things or big muddy pawprints in the house.

 

The other day it rained and he let the dog in with muddy feet. He said he tried to wipe them off but couldn't so just let her in. What the hell? I had to take her outside, wash her feet, then vacuum and wash the couch.

 

I don't understand why all things that have to do with organization make him balk. We went through the same thing with money. He doesn't pay attention and overspends. Every few months I have to help with his bills. But it's mostly his problem. I've offered to help but he hates budgets so I just let him stew in it. He wants us to have a joint account when the baby is born but I'm not doing it. So far I have not told him definitely no yet though.

[Tripper]

So how do you get your wife to help out? Without just griping at her constantly.

 

I lived on my own for 10 years and kept my place spotless. My SO and I now have a deal. We agree what we need to do and when to do it ie: Friday night we clean so that we have a clean loft for the weekend and we both do it together, no one sits down until the work is done.

We take turns cooking, tho' as a chef I'm more than happy to cook and the other cleans the kitchen.

We're both in our mid 50's and realize that having time together is the most important thing. You can't avoid "domestic crap" like cleaning and laundry but we both agree to get it done and out of the way so we have that time we want.

 

I know my initial suggestion may seem radical and leading to war; it probably is and probably will. But the questions I ask are: Since having had ineffective discussions about this, how else are you going to get his attention, understanding and buy in? More discussions?? Nagging?? Also, you are frustrated now; how much longer do you want to be frustrated? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? And what happens when the baby comes along and you've got your hands full with an infant?? Do you think he'll have a divine revelation and see the error of his ways?? Or are you still going have to do the lion's share of the work as well as looking after the baby??

 

If you want a softer approach start by telling him you are hiring a cleaning lady to come in once a week and he's going to pay for half the cost. That ought to make him sit up and take notice.

[Scrivdog]

Get a maid 2x a week. Problem solved.

[carhill]

If you want a softer approach start by telling him you are hiring a cleaning lady to come in once a week and he's going to pay for half the cost. That ought to make him sit up and take notice.

 

Excellent suggestion. Retort: "I'm happy with the way things are. You take care of it if it's a problem for you" or "Spend less time on the computer"

 

BTW, even the psychologist seems to be convinced now that I'm not just surfing porn sites when I'm on the computer. I actually learn things which benefit our household. It's like my "font of knowledge" The next time I fix the car and save us 500.00, I'll say "get a housekeeper with that". Oh, I forgot, I'm a man and it's part of my "job"

 

Oh, the webs we weave when we start taking loved ones for granted...

[milvushina]

BTW, even the psychologist seems to be convinced now that I'm not just surfing porn sites when I'm on the computer.

 

Haha.. obviously I don't know your story, but that tidbit was kind of funny.

 

Retort: "I'm happy with the way things are. You take care of it if it's a problem for you"

 

Yeah probably

 

I might look into a cleaning lady. I've never had one before. It feels weird having one come to our little rent house, I only associate them with rich people. I don't know if we can afford one but it seems doable. I make so much more money than I have because I'm on a schedule to pay off credit crap before baby is born. OH WELL.

 

Wouldn't you be terrified of a cleaning lady stealing your stuff? Or do they not come while you're at work? I could make my husband go home twice a week during lunch and sit and wait on her to clean. Ha ha ...

[whichwayisup]

What you could start saying to him is, "you know I'm going to need you to do alot more around the house when the baby comes. I won't be able to do as much..." See how he reacts...

 

As for the cleaning lady, if she is recommended by someone you know well, family or a friend, I woudn't worry about the stealing...Most cleaning lady's that are older and been with the same people over many years have good reputations..

[carhill]

Yes, I would agree regarding worrying about help. We hired someone whom a family member had trusted with her elderly mother and she was a saint to my mom and we never had to worry about a thing. Even when my mom had psychotic rantings (dementia) about her "stealing", she still calm and true. There are good ones out there.

 

Haha.. obviously I don't know your story, but that tidbit was kind of funny.

 

I tend to exaggerate for effect but the part about computer/internet use is realistic and I own that. Having been sick the last couple days and reading here has helped me immensely with my perspective on my relationship. Can't put a price on that

[milvushina]

I know my initial suggestion may seem radical and leading to war; it probably is and probably will. But the questions I ask are: Since having had ineffective discussions about this, how else are you going to get his attention, understanding and buy in? More discussions?? Nagging?? Also, you are frustrated now; how much longer do you want to be frustrated? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? And what happens when the baby comes along and you've got your hands full with an infant?? Do you think he'll have a divine revelation and see the error of his ways?? Or are you still going have to do the lion's share of the work as well as looking after the baby??

 

You are right, talking is not working. We started talking about a baby a year ago. He has always wanted children. I could be happy either way. I told him I was happy with our marriage even though I did have an issue with feeling like I did most of the work, but that if a baby came along that would not be the case. There would be so much more, I would be overwhelmed. He said he wanted to be more like he used to be, when he kept things tidier and did a lot of cooking. This was before we lived together.

 

So he did change a lot and kept it up for several months. We decided to get pregnant, he did great the whole first trimester while I was super tired. I am 25 weeks now (6 months +) this last month it's gone back to the olden days. I try not to use pregnancy as an excuse but I really can't move very fast or bend a lot. Chores take longer and I get sore and tired faster. I feel very sad and let down in a way. It hurts my feelings.

 

I get mad when he says, as soon as I get done doing working, "I would have helped" or "I would have done that." Even though he is nice and thanks me for what I do that makes me mad in a way because if he was really appreciative I feel like he would help. Instead he just gets to play video games. I love video games too but I only get to play mine on the weekends nowdays.

 

I hate the idea of a maid but that's the one thing everyones suggested. I guess I should just be glad its an option (not sure that it is but I am pretty confident I could afford it).

[milvushina]

What you could start saying to him is, "you know I'm going to need you to do alot more around the house when the baby comes. I won't be able to do as much..." See how he reacts...

 

 

You are right of course. I thought I did that (see previous post)

I do feel kind of betrayed. I trusted him and now I am little fearful that I'm going to be stuck with a husband who won't do any housework and a little one that will be just like him. I have not told him this has been upsetting me because I don't know if that would do any good. I am afraid of being miserable and overworked unnecessarily just like my mother was. Really my mother wanted everything spotless as though a stay at home parent was part of our family and I have much lower expectations. But the result was the same, she never felt like anyone else did enough/as much as her.

[Lizzie60]

You are right of course. I thought I did that (see previous post)

I do feel kind of betrayed. I trusted him and now I am little fearful that I'm going to be stuck with a husband who won't do any housework and a little one that will be just like him. I have not told him this has been upsetting me because I don't know if that would do any good. I am afraid of being miserable and overworked unnecessarily just like my mother was. Really my mother wanted everything spotless as though a stay at home parent was part of our family and I have much lower expectations. But the result was the same, she never felt like anyone else did enough/as much as her.

 

Yes you will be stuck with a husband who won't do nothing.. plus you'll have the baby to take care over everything else...

 

I think this is NOT acceptable.. he is a 'jerk' sorry if you can't see that...but he is.. I don't care if he run errands and rub your feet.. that's NOT what YOU need.. you need him to help you around the house.. period.

 

I have no patience with jerks like that.. he is totally disrespecting you.

 

I will repeat it.. some men do need to be treated like 10 year old kids..

 

- Don't do his stuff anymore.. don't clean the house... unless you hire a maid and have him pay half for it.. and then you still have to share the rest, meals, baby, etc.

 

- If you don't put him against the wall.. it will only get worst.. and you'll always feel more and more frustrated..

 

- You don't want to start a war.. but I'm afraid you have no choice.. otherwise.. you will allow him to neglect you.. and he will totally loose respect for you...