How to forgive yourself??

[CantGetOverIt]

Ever since I was little, any time I made a mistake in my life, I would harbor extreme guilt and wish I could turn back time. Its almost like I expect myself to be perfect. Im not a very religious person but I was raised around religion and I know what God considers wrong. So Ive always lived with that and felt guilty about many things. Recently, I hurt my husband and he has completely forgiven me and told me he wants his happy wife back but I cant seem to forgive myself. It has to do with the fact that I neglected him the week after our wedding. I cant believe I did that and I think about it 24/7 obsessively. He keeps telling me to drop it and he knows I didnt intentionally mean to hurt him the way I did. He knows how much I love him. I feel like we waited so long to get married and I blew it. I cant look at our wedding pictures or video without being reminded of what a jerk I was to him after the wedding. I guess I went through some sort of crisis. Why cant I drop it since he has?? He told me he could never leave me. I just feel like I want him to be angrier at me, I feel like I should be punished. Thats what Ive always done to myself. Right now I hate myself and I feel like jumping out of my skin. Ive always had horrible anxiety and I also struggled with obsessive thoughts as a child and had to talk to someone for it. Does anyone think I should ask my therapist for some sort of anxiety medication until I can figure out how to cope with this?? Im going to ask my therapist also about cognitive behavior therapy but right now I feel like nothing is going to help. I have been drinking and taking sleeping pills every night. How do I forgive myself???? Sorry for the long post.

[amaysngrace]

How do I forgive myself????

 

You forgive yourself by realizing you are a human. And you made a mistake. Just like everybody else does sometimes. Because nobody is perfect.

 

It's okay. Making mistakes is a good way to learn what not to do the next time.

 

It happened. You can't change it although you wish you could. But you can't.

 

The only thing you can do is do things differently when a similar situation arises.

 

That's what living and learning is all about.

 

As far as being "punished" I think you did a pretty good job of beating yourself up.

[CantGetOverIt]

You forgive yourself by realizing you are a human. And you made a mistake. Just like everybody else does sometimes. Because nobody is perfect.

 

It's okay. Making mistakes is a good way to learn what not to do the next time.

 

It happened. You can't change it although you wish you could. But you can't.

 

The only thing you can do is do things differently when a similar situation arises.

 

That's what living and learning is all about.

 

As far as being "punished" I think you did a pretty good job of beating yourself up.

 

Thank you for the reply. I keep telling myself everything youre telling me and I know deep down inside that I learned such a good lesson from this. It taught me how much I love my husband and how I am just not the type of person who can hurt someone and be okay with it. Maybe I needed this now or something worse could have happened in the future. I just wish I didnt lose myself for that little while. Ive only had one therapist session since this happened so Im hoping a few more will help me come to my senses and forgive myself. If not I dont know what Im going to do. I am doing a great job of punishing myself. Ive always been good at that. I am the most forgiving person in the world. My husband has hurt me before and I forgave him practically immediately. I realize people are human and make mistakes. I just dont like to be the one making them. Im just so exhausted from feeling this way. Again thank you for your reply. Im trying.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe it's a result of your anxiety? I'm not sure. But you really need to give yourself a break.

 

Just recognizing that you've hurt your husband and feel badly about it says you are an empathetic person. And that's a nice quality to have.

 

But you aren't perfect and can't expect to do the perfect thing every time. In fact I'm sure there are things about you that are less than perfect but I'm guessing the things you have going for you totally outweigh the bad. Your husband sees that. That's why he chose to marry you. That's why he chose to forgive you.

 

It's probably crushing him when he sees you being so hard on yourself.

 

But in all fairness to you getting married is stressful. Starting a life with somebody in a new home with a new role to play is very stressful.

 

And with all the recent life changes maybe it's put your anxiety through the roof?

[CantGetOverIt]

Maybe it's a result of your anxiety? I'm not sure. But you really need to give yourself a break.

 

Just recognizing that you've hurt your husband and feel badly about it says you are an empathetic person. And that's a nice quality to have.

 

But you aren't perfect and can't expect to do the perfect thing every time. In fact I'm sure there are things about you that are less than perfect but I'm guessing the things you have going for you totally outweigh the bad. Your husband sees that. That's why he chose to marry you. That's why he chose to forgive you.

 

It's probably crushing him when he sees you being so hard on yourself.

 

But in all fairness to you getting married is stressful. Starting a life with somebody in a new home with a new role to play is very stressful.

 

And with all the recent life changes maybe it's put your anxiety through the roof?

 

Getting married did stress me out a bit. My husband and I have been together 7 years, we got married a few weeks ago. I started getting a little worried that getting married would ruin our relationship because thats what some people would say. I was afraid things would change for the worse. So that definitely scared me. We had a beautiful wedding but a few things did go wrong that kinda took away from it. By the time the night was over, it felt like it was a party and nothing more. Then we came home, didnt have a honeymoon, and went straight back to work. So I fell back into my old routine as a "single" girl not realizing things are different now. But I quickly came to my senses and stopped. I just wish things played out different and I didnt have this guilt looking at my wedding photos. Im worried that a few years from now I will still get the same feelings looking at my wedding memories. I should be enjoying this time but I ruined it for myself and thats whats so hard to get over. My anxiety is definitely through the roof and it doesnt take much to trigger it. Im a little calmer today. The mornings are always hardest and I hate waking up. Im hoping it will get easier as the days go by.

[whichwayisup]

You two can do marriage counselling, learn about how to "be" in a marriage.

 

7 years as a couple and now you're recently married...Don't let the wedding, ring and piece of paper change in a bad way what you two have built.

 

Be excited to wake up knowing the man you love is beside...Be a good wife, supportive, loving and giving. He loves you and I'm sure he wants to be a good husband to you.

 

Did you google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? Also, check out some books - The Feeling Good Book by Dr David Burns. Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz. Those are some good books to read about anxiety and learning how to cope with it.

 

Talk therapy will help you open up about your issues, either from childhood, past relationships, as well as helping you deal with you being extremely hard on yourself now.

 

You can't control the future, all you have is the now - Trust me, worrying about the what if's 2-5 years down the road does not serve ANY purpose now. When I was suffering my anxiety at it's worst, alot of my fears were future related...Looking back now I see how much time I wasted worrying about the "what if's"...Enjoy today, look forward to tomorrow...

 

Do yoga, either join a class or buy the DVD's to do at home. It helps keep your mind at peace, as well as gets you in good shape. Yoga helps with anxiety and depression. Also going for brisk walks daily helps fight off those yucky feelings.

 

Start a journal and write your thoughts down. Sometimes just venting thoughts out of your head can lift a weight off your shoulders.

 

Hope this helps.

[CantGetOverIt]

I think a lot about what-ifs. What if this never goes away and then I have a panic attack and it starts all over again. I love waking up next to my husband, he is my life. I havent been home the past 2 days. I had to leave to visit my sister so I wouldnt be the way I am in front of him. He understands and just wants me to forgive myself and get better. I did google the cognitive behavior therapy and Im going to bring it up to my therapist next week.

[Goodin]

Hey Cantgetoverit I deal with anxiety too so maybe I can help you based on my experiences and what has helped me. From your posts it sounds like you might suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) since you said you have had it for so long. Also the fact that you have a hard time getting out of bed makes me think you are clinically depressed (Of course I am no doctor thats just based on what I have read here...but you might want to talk about this with your therapist). Although not always the case anxiety and depression go hand in hand it seems. These are both mental conditions which can be treated. It is good that you are seeing a therapist and they do help if you get one that you can open up too and really cares about your problems. You might want to talk to your therapist about getting on medication too. Anti depressants do wonders for GAD and depression and they really arent as bad as all the negative stigma they get. Xanax is GREAT for relieving anxiety. I am on Prozac and take half a Xanax a few times a week which seems to really help. Just go easy on the Xanax because it can be habit forming (it really works!). Also regular exercise really helps out, and it is good for you too! So coming from someone who has been there (is there now), good therapy, meds, and exercise and you will be ok! If you get obsessive thoughts just tell yourself STOP, and try to think about something pleasant, like new born puppies or something.

 

Hope this helps....look me up if you want more advice on anything.

 

Goodin

[CantGetOverIt]

Hey Cantgetoverit I deal with anxiety too so maybe I can help you based on my experiences and what has helped me. From your posts it sounds like you might suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) since you said you have had it for so long. Also the fact that you have a hard time getting out of bed makes me think you are clinically depressed (Of course I am no doctor thats just based on what I have read here...but you might want to talk about this with your therapist). Although not always the case anxiety and depression go hand in hand it seems. These are both mental conditions which can be treated. It is good that you are seeing a therapist and they do help if you get one that you can open up too and really cares about your problems. You might want to talk to your therapist about getting on medication too. Anti depressants do wonders for GAD and depression and they really arent as bad as all the negative stigma they get. Xanax is GREAT for relieving anxiety. I am on Prozac and take half a Xanax a few times a week which seems to really help. Just go easy on the Xanax because it can be habit forming (it really works!). Also regular exercise really helps out, and it is good for you too! So coming from someone who has been there (is there now), good therapy, meds, and exercise and you will be ok! If you get obsessive thoughts just tell yourself STOP, and try to think about something pleasant, like new born puppies or something.

 

Hope this helps....look me up if you want more advice on anything.

 

Goodin

 

I hate waking up because I know that feeling of dread will come back into my body. Ive gone through this before and I fought it off without medication. This time feels so much worse though. I think part of my anxiety comes from not wanting to "go crazy". Ive always been afraid I was gonna lose my mind. Its a legitimate fear of mine. I never thought of myself as depressed. Im always so happy and out going but when something triggers my anxiety, thats when I lose it. My body cant relax. I feel like theres no way out of it and it will never stop. A friend recommended I talk to my therapist about Xanax but I dont want to be on medication long term. Is it possible I could go on it just until I figure out how to cope and then wean off?? Or will I need it forever??? I feel I might as well give it a try since I have been drinking everyday to ease my body. I also cant talk to anyone about it really because I worry everyone when I get like this. I remember the last time I went through this though, I thought I would never get better and I did and I was so proud of myself. I gained my peace of mind back with help of my therapist and my sister. Hopefully it works again because I dont know how much more of this I can take.

[Goodin]

Just my personal opinion I think you could really benifit from Xanax. Xanax is not something you "go on" as in like anti-depressants. When you feel lots of anxiety coming on then you just pop a Xanax (usually a quarter or half works for me) and it calms your nerves and relaxes you. The effects are temporary and it goes through your system pretty quick...10-12 hours or so. But I do notice the effect keeps me stable for a few days after. When you take it be prepared to do nothing but relax on the couch and probably sleep though. It gives me a wonderful nights sleep. I wouldnt recommend using it long term though because it can be habitual. I dont allow myself to take it more than twice a week.

[CantGetOverIt]

Just my personal opinion I think you could really benifit from Xanax. Xanax is not something you "go on" as in like anti-depressants. When you feel lots of anxiety coming on then you just pop a Xanax (usually a quarter or half works for me) and it calms your nerves and relaxes you. The effects are temporary and it goes through your system pretty quick...10-12 hours or so. But I do notice the effect keeps me stable for a few days after. When you take it be prepared to do nothing but relax on the couch and probably sleep though. It gives me a wonderful nights sleep. I wouldnt recommend using it long term though because it can be habitual. I dont allow myself to take it more than twice a week.

 

My husband who forgave me for my mistake told me he wouldnt forgive me if I went on medication. His mother was addicted to meds before she passed away and he is worried I will become addicted to them. Im afraid I will also become addicted to them. Thats why I want so desperately overcome this on my own so I wont ever have to rely on meds. But then again, I am drinking to cope and taking any type of over the counter sleep meds to go to sleep. My husband doesnt know about the sleeping pills but he has noticed Im drinking a lot of wine lately.

 

last year around this time, I saw the body of a man who jumped 28 stories to his death. I thought this was going to definitely put me in the mental ward. I stopped eating, sleeping. I was up for almost 4 days straight with no food in my system. I was walking in circles, banging my head on the walls and floor, literally. My mother took me to the emergency room mental clinic. They couldnt help me because the people in there were practically insane. I had such bad panic attacks, I couldnt breathe or see straight. All I kept picturing in my head was this guys body. I was able to overcome this without meds, it took practically a month but I overcame it and I was so proud of myself. Now I can think about it and joke and talk about it. Sometimes I even picture his body on purpose to prove to myself that IM not insane and I can think about it like a normal person.

 

What helped me most to get better was throwing myself back into work, running around with my sister and niece, and just trying to live as normal a life as possible.

 

What I dont understand is that this time, I didnt witness a suicide. I hurt my husband and this triggered my panic again. It definitely doesnt seem like something that would measure up to seeing a dead guy but I feel like I felt last year almost worse because I never wanted this to ever come back and I feel like I brought this upon myself. Im going to my therapist again today and will bring all of this up to her. Sorry for the long post, Im just trying to release some tension from my body. And thank you for your replies.

[Goodin]

Well I hope you are able to overcome your fears with or without the meds. I am sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive of you getting on meds. It sounds like you really need to have good sessions with your therapist about your anxieties...I would imagine she might diagnose you with GAD or PTSS based on they witness of the suicide. Just my opinion though. It sounds like you do need professional help with this problem, and that is ok. Therapy (and meds if you choose) are there to help and they do help but you will have to make a concious effort to help yourself.

 

Watchout with the drinking...it does help temporarily but when you sober up you are back to where you started and the only way to feel relief is to drink more, thus the vicious cycle. Trust me, you dont want to try to get over alcoholism on top of your anxieties...that will very much worsen things. Get a grip on yourself WITHOUT the drinking! There are sleeping pills and certain anti anxiety drugs that are not habit forming. Anti-d's are not habit forming. I would talk to your therapist about this and maybe your husband too.

 

Good luck - I am here if you need me.

 

Goodin

[CantGetOverIt]

Well I hope you are able to overcome your fears with or without the meds. I am sorry to hear that your husband is not supportive of you getting on meds. It sounds like you really need to have good sessions with your therapist about your anxieties...I would imagine she might diagnose you with GAD or PTSS based on they witness of the suicide. Just my opinion though. It sounds like you do need professional help with this problem, and that is ok. Therapy (and meds if you choose) are there to help and they do help but you will have to make a concious effort to help yourself.

 

Watchout with the drinking...it does help temporarily but when you sober up you are back to where you started and the only way to feel relief is to drink more, thus the vicious cycle. Trust me, you dont want to try to get over alcoholism on top of your anxieties...that will very much worsen things. Get a grip on yourself WITHOUT the drinking! There are sleeping pills and certain anti anxiety drugs that are not habit forming. Anti-d's are not habit forming. I would talk to your therapist about this and maybe your husband too.

 

Good luck - I am here if you need me.

 

Goodin

 

Thank you so much. I appreciate your help and advice. Hopefully this session will bring me closer to peace of mind.

[whichwayisup]

I hate waking up because I know that feeling of dread will come back into my body

 

This really works, but do about 20 minutes of stretching and yoga positions about an hour before you go to bed. It really makes a difference in the morning, especially with the 'dread' feeling and anxiousness.

 

Your husband needs to read up on anxiety and depression. Understand what anxiety is, what it does to people and how depression, atleast mild forms of it go hand in hand with anxiety. I have to say, my H is not pleased about the idea of meds either, he didn't tell me NOT to go on them, but he felt I could ward off anxiety without meds. He was right, which is why I really am suggesting you do cognitive behaviour therapy. It's different than just regular therapy.

 

You could also try rescue remedy (bach flower), it's all natural and apparently works quite well with anxiety.

[Goodin]

No problem. Keep us posted on how your session goes. WHen is the next visit? You might also try saint johns wart. It is an over the counter herbal medicine that has been proven to work almost as good as anti-d's. exercise does help alot! I would also recommend dealing with it without the meds but if you feel like nothing else helps then dont hesitate to consider them. Just my opinions though;)

 

All the best.

[CantGetOverIt]

This really works, but do about 20 minutes of stretching and yoga positions about an hour before you go to bed. It really makes a difference in the morning, especially with the 'dread' feeling and anxiousness.

 

Your husband needs to read up on anxiety and depression. Understand what anxiety is, what it does to people and how depression, atleast mild forms of it go hand in hand with anxiety. I have to say, my H is not pleased about the idea of meds either, he didn't tell me NOT to go on them, but he felt I could ward off anxiety without meds. He was right, which is why I really am suggesting you do cognitive behaviour therapy. It's different than just regular therapy.

 

You could also try rescue remedy (bach flower), it's all natural and apparently works quite well with anxiety.

 

I just joined the gym and I ran for my life on the treadmill yesterday! it helped to release some of the hell I feel inside. My hubby and I go together so its also great quality time. He doesnt understand what my body feels like and I told him that yesterday, he agreed to accompany me to a therapy session so maybe my therapist could explain it to him. I might decide to take him and I might not. Im not sure yet. I dont want him to see me at my worst and at my sessions, I cry for about 50 percent of the session. I completely forgot to mention cognitive behavior therapy to my therapist yesterday. I will definitely bring it up next week.

 

Rescue Remedy helped me when I had my episode last year. I had the regular one and the one for night time. Im going to buy more today. I really miss waking up normal, in a normal state of mind, and not with such a horrible feeling.

[Goodin]

It is good to hear your husband is being supportive. Sounds like a goodun'!

 

So what is rescue remedy???? I would like to learn more about that. Maybe it is something I can try.

[CantGetOverIt]

It is good to hear your husband is being supportive. Sounds like a goodun'!

 

So what is rescue remedy???? I would like to learn more about that. Maybe it is something I can try.

 

My husband is an absolute angel. Especially considering, I hurt him and he's here trying to make me feel better.

 

Here is a website for the rescue remedy. Its a great herbal product.

http://www.rescueremedy.com/

[Goodin]

So you have used it? Does it really work? Can you get it in stores?

[CantGetOverIt]

I used it last year when I had a TERRIBLE episode. My niece's kindergarten teacher recommended it to me. I think it did help. I would just spray it anytime I felt myself going over the edge (which was frequently) and it calmed me down. Definitely give it a try. It cant hurt since its all herbal.

[Goodin]

I think I will!