Well, the phone bill came today

[Trimmer]

She isn't coming clean to EITHER of them, that's the thing. She has told SD one thing and her husband another. I do agree, she first off does owe her husband the real truth and nothing but.

Understood and agreed.

 

I think she doesn't know anymore....

And that's why I think I wouldn't hold my breath that she will take a sudden course change toward honesty... She'll do what is necesary to hold together the house of cards - as rickety as that may be - as long as it keeps working.

[norajane]

I appreciate everybody's insight and it IS working.. Not quite there yet, but am damn close... H is closing in fast with MULTIPLE calls to her saying as much.. We had a LONG talk and I pretty much told her that her behavior is disgusting.. AND THAT I AM WATCHING all of this go down.. I told her how hurt I am and that just about any hope of me is gone... NOW she says that she will tell the truth tonight, well some of it... I said no thanks to "some of it"... You can't tell the truth while you are lying about it..

 

Some of the truth?

 

Why don't you save that poor guy some dialing time...change your voice mail so it says, "hi, you've reached stampdaddy at xxx-xxxx. Please leave a message."

 

That way, you don't have to talk to her H, AND he has his question answered about whose phone number it is. Maybe he'll stop calling, and you won't have to feel like quite the rat. Since, you know, you didn't actually talk to him and tell him anything.

[stampdaddy]

Unless I misread, I get the impression that it's more that SD thinks she owes her husband the truth, and that's where she's not coming clean...

This is correct

[stampdaddy]

Some of the truth?

 

Why don't you save that poor guy some dialing time...change your voice mail so it says, "hi, you've reached stampdaddy at xxx-xxxx. Please leave a message."

 

That way, you don't have to talk to her H, AND he has his question answered about whose phone number it is. Maybe he'll stop calling, and you won't have to feel like quite the rat. Since, you know, you didn't actually talk to him and tell him anything.

good call, I just might do that

[OpenBook]

Why don't you save that poor guy some dialing time...change your voice mail so it says, "hi, you've reached stampdaddy at xxx-xxxx. Please leave a message."

 

That way, you don't have to talk to her H, AND he has his question answered about whose phone number it is. Maybe he'll stop calling, and you won't have to feel like quite the rat. Since, you know, you didn't actually talk to him and tell him anything.

 

I disagree, I think this would make it even more urgent in the H's mind to talk to stamp (in the mildest possible scenario!!), mano a mano. Especially since it is evident in the H's current behavior that he doesn't trust a damn thing his W says! It would almost guarantee a showdown between H and stamp. In fact, my instincts are telling me that on some level this is what she wants... to see these two men in her life, fighting over her.

[whichwayisup]

But what is HER truth? The one she's told you SD, or does it actually exist?

[norajane]

I disagree, I think this would make it even more urgent in the H's mind to talk to stamp (in the mildest possible scenario!!), mano a mano. Especially since it is evident in the H's current behavior that he doesn't trust a damn thing his W says! It would almost guarantee a showdown between H and stamp. In fact, my instincts are telling me that on some level this is what she wants... to see these two men in her life, fighting over her.

 

He's talked to stamp before. He knows they have been having an affair. If he was going to have a showdown with stamp, he's had plenty of opportunity to do so when he found out how long their affair had been going on.

 

He has seen this number over 50 times on the phone bill, but he doesn't recognize it. I think he just wants to find out if this new number is his, or if it's some new guy she's started up with.

[OpenBook]

He's talked to stamp before. He knows they have been having an affair. If he was going to have a showdown with stamp, he's had plenty of opportunity to do so when he found out how long their affair had been going on.

 

Oh OK, I was not aware of that! My apologies, stamp.

[LOVE DAISIES]

Wow. Why not just CHANGE your number altogether and be done with BOTH of them??? It's not THAT hard, you know.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow. Why not just CHANGE your number altogether and be done with BOTH of them??? It's not THAT hard, you know.

 

I think the reason it's not over is because SD does not truly want it to be over. He is very stubborn of the fact that the object of his affections is a liar and a cheater and is weaseling her way through life.

 

Stamp could end it anytime he wants to but he continues to have contact with her, lunch dates, sex, his actions indicate he's a fool and doesnt truly care about the H's family. The only thing he cares about is himself.

 

If SD can focus on what is right and wrong he'd run for the hills in an instant, but when your in an storybook affair for so long it's like leaving the matrix right SD?

 

I dont see how any self respecting person can get conned like that and when the con is up still dont believe it! Even when knowing the red flag is on his face!

 

I dont get it.

[stampdaddy]

I think the reason it's not over is because SD does not truly want it to be over. He is very stubborn of the fact that the object of his affections is a liar and a cheater and is weaseling her way through life.

 

Stamp could end it anytime he wants to but he continues to have contact with her, lunch dates, sex, his actions indicate he's a fool and doesnt truly care about the H's family. The only thing he cares about is himself.

 

If SD can focus on what is right and wrong he'd run for the hills in an instant, but when your in an storybook affair for so long it's like leaving the matrix right SD?

 

I dont see how any self respecting person can get conned like that and when the con is up still dont believe it! Even when knowing the red flag is on his face!

 

I dont get it.

I don't get it either.... I am trying to.. Believe me, I am trying

[Mino]

Some of the truth?

 

Why don't you save that poor guy some dialing time...change your voice mail so it says, "hi, you've reached stampdaddy at xxx-xxxx. Please leave a message."

 

That way, you don't have to talk to her H, AND he has his question answered about whose phone number it is. Maybe he'll stop calling, and you won't have to feel like quite the rat. Since, you know, you didn't actually talk to him and tell him anything.

Great Idea Norjane!

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't get it either.... I am trying to.. Believe me, I am trying

 

Go far away!!

 

No more contact. Is that so hard to fathom. For everytime you see her, talk to her , have lunch! You will always go back to day 1!

 

You want self respect you gotta earn it, they say affairs are like drug addictions I'm starting to believe it!

 

She cannot be your friend. I dont care what anyone says.

 

Is what you want to you become Husband number 2 and six years later lines up H#3?

 

Get real.

 

It's time to really end it!

 

Change your number, change you life, change your jobs if you have to. Avoid her at all costs.

[Owl]

Hey SD...have you considered Norajane's suggestion for your voicemail message?

 

It sounds like a great way to get out of the drama, and let them work this out on their own!

[stampdaddy]

Hey SD...have you considered Norajane's suggestion for your voicemail message?

 

It sounds like a great way to get out of the drama, and let them work this out on their own!

I am still considering my options, as he called AGAIN yesterday.. just waiting for today's call, and even am considering answering this time.. But probably wont.. NJ's idea is probably the best

[Owl]

I'd consider answering ONE time...tell him that "yes, she's called", tell him that you want out of this whole situation, and inform him that you no longer want ANY contact from either of them.

 

After that, its voicemail city.

 

If he gets angry with you, simply hang up and block his calls.

 

Once he has his "proof" that she's still cheating, its on him to deal with anything from there, and should require nothing further on your part.

 

The OTHER boundary you need to set is to tell her to quit contacting you. PERIOD.

 

Tell her that you're done with this whole thing, and you're done with covering her lies. Tell her to stop contacting you, and tell her to work on HER situation.

 

Your life will get soooooo much better once you're out of this situation completely man.

[Ms. Red]

It may be more than him just wanting to know who's number it is. If he doesn't realize by now, he's an idiot or in major denial. Maybe he wants to talk to you again.

[stampdaddy]

It may be more than him just wanting to know who's number it is. If he doesn't realize by now, he's an idiot or in major denial. Maybe he wants to talk to you again.

I'd guess D.) all of the above

[stampdaddy]

just a quick toss out there to you two..

 

I havent talked to her in a few days, Tomorrow is her Bday and WONT call or even recognize it, and she goes to Florida with a girlfriend next week for 5 days.. Any harm in just letting these events happen and see what she comes back with?

[Ms. Red]

Also, i just thought. You think your sick of her lies. Imagine how he feels. He knows she's lying to him & if he can get tangible proof he can back her into a corner with it.

[stampdaddy]

Also, i just thought. You think your sick of her lies. Imagine how he feels. He knows she's lying to him & if he can get tangible proof he can back her into a corner with it.

BUT if I am the one that "forces the issue", that wouldnt be good. If he throws her out and it blows up for her, then what?

[Owl]

Right...THEN what?

 

But would that be because of YOUR actions....or HERS?

 

Let the blame fall where it belongs. If she gets thrown out because she kept contacting you...that's HER fault, and HER problem.

 

Its not YOU forcing the issue...its her...and him.

 

Why should you stay involved in this situation if the affair is over and you're trying to move on? Or if you know that they're (supposedly) trying to recover their marriage?

 

Dude...bail...do what you need to do for YOU. Let them deal with themselves...since the affair is over, you're no longer the 3rd person in the marriage...let it stay that way.

[Leia]

Don't tell me you still want her after all this? It shouldn't be any of your concern if she gets thrown out cos if she did, it would be cos of all her lies!

[malaclypse]

BUT if I am the one that "forces the issue", that wouldnt be good. If he throws her out and it blows up for her, then what?

 

There's this thing called 'personal responsibility'.

 

If he throws her out, it's HIS decision, and his responsibility.

[serial muse]

just a quick toss out there to you two..

 

I havent talked to her in a few days, Tomorrow is her Bday and WONT call or even recognize it, and she goes to Florida with a girlfriend next week for 5 days.. Any harm in just letting these events happen and see what she comes back with?

 

Well, the harm for you is that I think you're saying you still want to hope she'll make up her mind to leave him once she's away from him. She might not, but let's say she does come to some decision about it while she's away, which she'll probably tell you about and get your hopes up all over again - but then what about after she returns and has to face the music again?

 

I know that "divorcing" yourself from a relationship is usually a matter of fits and starts, not a clean break, and it's not easy to just shut the door. It's hard for you, it's hard for him, and it appears to be nearly impossible for her - which is not what you want from her. You want a clear choice, not a waffling, right? She's become very good at keeping multiple doors open, despite promises to both parties. You said before that even if she left now you weren't sure how you'd feel about her - given that you've had a front-row seat to some very selfish behavior on her part, it's not how it once was, for you. And it's likely that, given her track record, even if she did decide to leave him while she's away on vacation, that wouldn't be the end of it. She'd regret, go back and forth, cry to you, cry to him, not be able to make up her mind and keep both of you hurting and dangling in the process.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person - I wouldn't know. But she has treated both of you badly, and she knows it, and you've both accepted it for many years. Could you really trust her, after this?

 

I don't blame you for wanting to hope - we all do. But since you've asked if there's harm, I'd say there is - nothing new, but in that it postpones for that much longer your healing process.

Edited February 27, 2008 by serial muse