She dates all my roommates & friends but not me!

[zman]

I would really like some advice on this situation because it's driving me crazy! Please bear with me as I tell this long story.

 

I've known this girl now for about 7 years. We met through common friends and hiking. I have always been attracted to her from the beginning, although because we were each dating other people at various times, I never asked her out and didn't really see much of her until about 3 years after I first met her.

 

About 4 years ago my housemates and I threw a party, and I decided I was going to ask her out during our party. But after she arrives, and before I get a chance, my roommate asks her out and then they are talking about how they've set up a time to go play tennis the next day. I'm bummed but take it in stride. They go out for about 3 - 4 months and then break up.

 

So I let a few months go by and then figure maybe I have another chance. At this point both my roommates know full well that I have a crush on this girl. Then one night she comes over to our house, and tells me she's there to visit my other roommate. She walks in and goes into his room and stays there for several hours at least. I find out that they have been dating for a week or two.

 

At this point I hit the roof and lashed out at both of them. Not right away but the next day. I really flipped out and cursed them both out big time, writing a nasty gram email to them both. I was insanely jealous, hurt and upset, but I also didn't see where these two had anything in common, unlike my other roommate.

 

Well, this time the girl stays with my second roommate for about two years and they get engaged and almost get married, but she broke it off a little over a year ago. In the meantime I've apologized and, against all odds, salvaged my friendship with both of them. Also, my housemates and I move out of the house we were living in and my first housemate and I get a new house together with a new third roommate. Eventually he moves out to buy a house and now I am renting with two new housemates. I go through a couple long-term relationships during this time but they end reasonably well.

 

Actually, I'm now better friends with this girl than with my former roommate, and we play tennis together regularly. I still have a crush on her and she knows it, but isn't really interested in me because of my past history with her. Although we both apologized to each other about the past, we never really talked it all through to get a good closure on it. Right now I'm dating casually and I don't know anything about her relationships but I know she must be dating around.

 

Now, I think she is starting to see one of my new housemates. He knows how much I like her. They walk to work together each day, since we live close to each other and they both work downtown. She is also hanging around a lot more. I thought maybe she was getting interested in me by flirting and having fun, but she does that with everyone. Tonight she called him just to say goodnight, right after we dropped her off at her place after playing volleyball, and he took a mysterious walk around the block before going to bed.

 

You know, I wish I could just get over this girl once and for all and not worry about if she wants to date my friends and housemates. I wish I wasn't so attracted to her. The thing that bugs me the most is that, at the risk of sounding full of myself, I think I'm a better looking guy than any of my roommates, and I have a lot more to offer her than these guys. I mean they are my friends and great guys, but I'm much taller and slightly better looking I think. And this girl and I have so much in common its rediculous. Anyone who didn't know us and with an objective point of view would say we are a perfect match for each other. Yet she keeps dating my housemates but not me, and now she's moving in on one of my current housemates and friends.

 

What should I do? Move out? Stop trying to be good friends with her? Pretend like nothing is happening? Pretend that it doesn't bother me? It's getting to the point where it hurts too much to be friends with her if this kind of stuff is going to continue. But we have so many common friends, it would create a big rift in our social circle if I tried to avoid her. As long as I live in this city, we are going to see each other around at parties and events. It just drives me crazy that we've know each other for so long, and have so much fun together, but we've never dated and she has dated three of my former or current housemates.

[Dragonflys]

Zman you have to give yourself a break and get away from her!

 

I think the reason she dates everyone else rather than you is nothing to do with how you look or how nice a guy you are, it's the fact that she is hooked on 'newness'. She will always go for the new guy who has new stuff to offer and a fresh outlook and will not go for you because she knows you so well that little about you can surprise her now. You could probably be the greatest guy but she will always go for the new one.

 

For your own sake you should probably distance yourself from her so you can find a healthy relationship for yourself. She may not be maliciously playing with you, but the result is the same, and she will continue to knowingly leave you wanting for many many years trust me. You could hang with her for 30 years and never make it past first base.

 

Maybe, just maybe, if you distance yourself for a few years her attitude might change, but thats nothing you can hope for. What you are putting yourself through is torture.

 

Oliver

[zman]

Oliver,

 

I think you are right, but it's going to be hard, just because we have so many common friends. But I definately need to move out of this house and get my own apartment, without roommates. It will be more expensive but I should probably live on my own for a while anyways. Maybe I should just buy a house. This way we would see less of each other at least. I can stop playing tennis with her also I suppose. I can try to hang out with other people and not do anything to go out of my way to include her in things. Luckily I've recently met a couple nice new women so maybe I can get into a relationship with one of them, and forget about this other girl. But I don't want to just blow her off or do something mean and stupid like I did before. We're friends and I really like her! She's just a lot nicer, hotter, and taller than 90% of the women I meet and end up going out with. Help!!

[d1410]

with Oliver. You need to really get out and meet someone that you're compatible with and that treats you right before you drive yourself crazy.

 

Have you ever told her directly that you'd like to date her? maybe she's just waiting for you to make a move??

 

Another possibility is that she doesn't want to ruin your friendship by initiating anything.

 

I think she may indeed be hooked on the newness thing. Some people love that initial rush they get when they meet someone new and when it fades..they're outta there. She probably just doesn't see the goodness in you because you're right in front of her.

 

I would try to distance yourself from her but remain friendly. It doesn't have to be uncomfortable hanging out together if you've moved on in your mind and accepted that this woman may never date you.

 

d1410

[zman]

I've made moves. She's not wanting me to make a move.

 

I think she's into the newness thing and considers me old news now. I've already blown whatever chance I might have had with her at some point, with the blowup I had and all.

 

Now that I think about this, and try to put myself into her shoes, I can see how she would consider my new roommates as prime new boyfriend material. If the situation were reversed and I were friends with a house full of single gals, I'd probably be interested in any new housemates that come along. It's almost like I'm an old boyfriend that she doesn't need to date anymore, even though we never dated. And now she sees me as a ticket to meet whatever hot new guy we bring into the house.

 

I guess more than anything it's a big ego destroyer to think that she thinks all these guys, my friends, are boyfriend material but I'm not. As I said before, I'm at least as good a catch as any of them, and a better catch than some. I should probably just pretend that we've dated before and broken up, because if that were the case I wouldn't have any problem with any of this. It's her loss.

 

But I think I'm going to start looking to move into my own place, to establish my own identity separate from this group of "friends"

I swear, our group would make a great soap opera or sit com.

[zman]

Well I decided to do what I thought was the adult thing to do. I wrote her an email asking if we could just get together for a coffee and talk about what happened with her ex-fiance, my friend and housemate, a few years ago, when I threw my temper tantrum and bitched them both out. We had never really talked this all through although we had apologized and made friends again since.

 

She agreed and suggested we get together for breakfast at a local cafe yesterday morning.

 

Well our talk went much better than I expected it would. I told her not to worry that I would flip out about any of her new boyfriends. Whe admitted that she was starting to see my new roommate and was aprehensive about how I would take it. I said yeah I suspected it and told her it was so predictable, she always goes for the new guy and my roommates. She kind of denied it but also admitted it. I said the thing that bothered me the most was that it was a big ego letdown for me that she was interested in all these guys but not me. She said that she had never really written me off, at least not until my temper tantrum, and always thought I was a nice guy. She said I had my chance and could have asked her out, but I explained how I tried but my timing was always off and that I'm not exactly Mr. Quickdraw anyways. She said she's been worried that I may have a temper problem, and I admitted that I had blown my top at people 3-5 times in my life but nothing since then, and I don't think I really have a major problem, and I've grown up alot over the years. It's not like I've ever been physically violent with anyone. She agreed that everyone blows their top once in a while. She also said she could kind of see why I would get mad or be hurt about how things happened.

 

So anyways I pointed out that now I've hooked her up with three of my friends/housemates and she hasn't introduced me to any of her hot friends. She agreed it does seem like its been a one-way street and suggested she might do something to introduce me to more of her friends.

 

We then ended up talking about the importance of communication in relationships, and the details of why our respective engagements and past relationships with other people didn't work out. She even told me that I have beautiful eyes with lots of different colors in them (I have hazel/green colored eyes).

 

So I was feeling a lot better after this and she said it was great that we talked and she felt better too, and gave me a hug goodbye when I dropped her off at her place.

 

Then, later that night, she sent me an email that I received this morning. She said how glad she was that we talked, and that how strange it is that life has led us in "strange" directions. She said that "for the first time I had the feeling I missed something."

She said she's sorry we didn't talk sooner, but she's glad for the understanding we have now, and that I'm a "wonderful" guy she's grown to care about and respect.

 

Well, I was taken aback by this, but it felt really good. In my reply to her I told her this meant a lot to me and that I'm also very glad we talked, and I'm more at peace with my self and her now. I told her she's a wonderful woman and she'll make some guy very happy someday. Then I playfully said that if she's lucky, maybe I'll give her another chance to go out with me someday, that is if she doesn't end up marrying my roommate or some other guy, but that I'm glad we're friends and I feel like we can be better friends now that we talked.

 

So what do you think? Did I handle this well? Do you think I said anything wrong? Do you think maybe she might want to go out with me later in the future or are we just going to be friends. Should I still move out and get my own place and try to see less of her, and just focus on other women?

[d1410]

that if I was the woman you talked to, I would jump at the chance and say let's go out. but, that's me.

 

You seem like a very nice guy who has good intentions. It sounds to me that she really values your friendship a lot, but I don't hear her asking you out on a date or truly wanting to get together as more than friends.

 

She says she thinks you're a wonderful guy, complemented your looks, etc. Obviously she knows that you like her.

I think you're probably closer as friends.

 

you did the right thing by confronting her about how you feel. that takes courage! as far as moving out, etc..that depends if it still bugs you to be around her and not be able to have a closer relationship with her.

 

She contradicts herself a bit saying she's concerned that you have a bit of a temper and then says..everyone loses their temper once in awhile.

 

 

when she said "for the first time I had the feeling I missed something." ...what does she mean? that she missed out on you?? that's unclear to me.

 

I don't think you should concentrate on her, because she may never want to date you. Just go about your life like she is your friend and may never be more than that. No point wasting energy on someone who doesn't feel the same.

 

hope this helps,

 

d1410

[zman]

Originally posted by d1410

 

When she said "for the first time I had the feeling I missed something." ...what does she mean? that she missed out on you?? that's unclear to me.

 

It's unclear to me too. But that's all she said, verbatim. Anyways, I'm not going to worry about it. I guess I feel like I don't need to do anything drastic like move out right away or anything. I still feel like I can be friends with her and my roommate. I just need to keep a certain distance and not see her all the time. But I guess if things got really serious between them and she was hanging out over here all the time it would start to really bother me. So I guess I'll play it by ear for now, but get ready to move out if I feel I just can't deal anymore.

 

Of course if I got my own girlfriend it would help, so I'm going to focus on these two new women I met recently and see if at least one of them is girlfriend material.

[observer]

she said you had your chance? what the hell? she never gave you a chance! all she did was date your roommates and friends.. that is not giving you a chance!

 

Insanity!

 

she never gave you a chance. she should not have said she did.

 

never!