DavidB Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I was here during the summer as my wife of 15 years decided she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep the marriage going. I said we would try counseling, and many on these boards told me that it wouldn't work. Well it didn't, partly due to her reluctance to engage in any meaningful conversation about us. I've known her for 20 years and have done some really interesting things together, I honestly expected more and I am disappointed in how it fizzled out. She announced it yesterday after a lunch out, but I felt she really made up her mind two weeks ago. This means I already worked through the anger and sadness, placing me in a calm acceptance. There will be tears, but it won't be the overwhelming sadness that enveloped me when this first started. Things could be worst; there's no children involved, we will just split the assets in half, we're not yelling at each other, and at the base level of the relationship we still respect each other. We did help each other through some trying times, her a major car accident, me through two career changes. Funny though when it was at it's worst we stuck together, now that everything is fine she decides that it's time to leave. So at the age of 40 I'm just another statistic, and thrust into uncertainty. Well that's life, looking out my balcony at the approaching dawn I know that another day has started and that it's the first day of the rest of my life. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Findingme Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I was here during the summer as my wife of 15 years decided she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep the marriage going. I said we would try counseling, and many on these boards told me that it wouldn't work. Well it didn't, partly due to her reluctance to engage in any meaningful conversation about us. I've known her for 20 years and have done some really interesting things together, I honestly expected more and I am disappointed in how it fizzled out. She announced it yesterday after a lunch out, but I felt she really made up her mind two weeks ago. This means I already worked through the anger and sadness, placing me in a calm acceptance. There will be tears, but it won't be the overwhelming sadness that enveloped me when this first started. Things could be worst; there's no children involved, we will just split the assets in half, we're not yelling at each other, and at the base level of the relationship we still respect each other. We did help each other through some trying times, her a major car accident, me through two career changes. Funny though when it was at it's worst we stuck together, now that everything is fine she decides that it's time to leave. So at the age of 40 I'm just another statistic, and thrust into uncertainty. Well that's life, looking out my balcony at the approaching dawn I know that another day has started and that it's the first day of the rest of my life. Thanks for listening. This made me kinda sad, first because you called yourself "just another statistic". You know you did the best you could so no regrets ok? 40 is still young, it's not like your life is over so don't think it is. It is the first day of the rest of your life, make the most of it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Thank God there are no children involved! I wonder who the "other" guy is? Sounds too convenient to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DavidB Posted February 24, 2008 Author Share Posted February 24, 2008 There might be another man, but I doubt it. Hard to believe and there is a lot to be suspicious about, but her behaviour hasn't been one that has been secretive. Even if she was seeing another man, I'm not sure I could work up enough emotion to be sad or angry. She's an adult and gets to make her choices. A couple of weeks ago I decided I was tired of being hurt, and I'm not willing to invest my emotional well being in a relationship that is over. As for the quip about being another statistic: it's more an acknowledgment that I did not see myself being in this situation, I'm sure no one does. I always thought the first day of the rest of your life was a cliche, now I think I'm beginning to understand it. Link to post Share on other sites
Laptop2008 Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I was here during the summer as my wife of 15 years decided she wasn't sure if she wanted to keep the marriage going. Do you know the other man? Could he be one of your mutual friends and because of that, you were never suspicious? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 So at the age of 40 I'm just another statistic, and thrust into uncertainty. Well that's life, looking out my balcony at the approaching dawn I know that another day has started and that it's the first day of the rest of my life. Join the crowd! many of us are. At least you're in good company. The ex left me after we'd been married 25 years and wanted no part of reconciliation. Ultimately it turns out that she did me a huge favor. My life has been ever so much better without her than it ever was with her. You'll be fine. It just takes some time to heal and grieve. Don't rush. Link to post Share on other sites
sandflea Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 40 is very young, David. It's "the new 30"! Rest assured, you have tons of life yet, and - Curmudgeon is correct - you're in good company. Many, if not most relationships these days end in divorce. You know the routine - take it slow, focus on you, recollect your power, and your mojo. It's all gonna work out fine. My marriage lasted 10 years - and we knew each other for like 13. Yes, it was hard at first, but I'm much happier now. Hang in there. SF Link to post Share on other sites
Elena62 Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 DB, 40 is still young! Once you pass this stage and go forward with your life and put this all behind you, other opportunities will come into your life that will make it new and different. You'll see I'm 45, and I'm not past my sell by date, never will be! Don't give up on your hopes and dreams and never think that age is detrimental, it's a bonus! Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I'm 45, and I'm not past my sell by date, never will be! Don't give up on your hopes and dreams and never think that age is detrimental, it's a bonus! People today have much longer shelf lives than people ever did before. I was 48 when the ex left and the marriage dissolved and 50 when I decided it was time to try a bit of a social life. There was no lack of women willing to date me. It wass better than it ever had been when I was considerably younger. Maturity is decidedly an added bonus! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkRibbon Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Join the crowd! many of us are. At least you're in good company. The ex left me after we'd been married 25 years and wanted no part of reconciliation. Ultimately it turns out that she did me a huge favor. My life has been ever so much better without her than it ever was with her. You'll be fine. It just takes some time to heal and grieve. Don't rush. I hope sometime in the future I can feel this way. I like it when I hear that a divorce was for the best. Gives me hope of a better life for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DavidB Posted February 24, 2008 Author Share Posted February 24, 2008 You need to grieve PinkRibbon, it is a loss you just can't let that be the controlling factor in your life. I'm grieving, more for the loss of someone who was central in my life for 20 years, but life does go on. This is an opportunity to look at myself, who I am and decide if that is who I want to be. The problem with marriage in your 20s is that you're not really a fully realized person, well that is a little too broad of a generalization, but there is a transformation after marriage. I won't say your personalities merge, but they are heavily influenced by each other. I have had 8 months of separation, of introspection and now is the time to make changes. I will be a better person because of this, but only because I choose to be a better person. Some days are easier then others; as the wiser members of this board have said you take it one day at a time. I'm glad the threads questioning my ex having an affair have stopped. I really think at this point in time it is irrelevant, it is done and it is time for both of us to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
julkat Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Hi David B, It's already been said here, but it does get easier. When I first posted about 4 months ago I was in the very early stages of my separation after 20 years and two kids together. I've been neglected, cheated on, lied to and stolen from. I have legitimate reasons to cry, but I choose life instead. Once I accepted that my marriage was over, it started getting better all the time. This group is great because they give equal parts empathy and reality. I went to a singles dance last night. It was horrible! I won't do that again. I think I'll just meet people the old fashioned way and give myself lots of time to heal. Good luck to you and keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 I hope sometime in the future I can feel this way. I like it when I hear that a divorce was for the best. Gives me hope of a better life for myself. It's however you make up your mind to be. When my ex left, I made a vow to myself that he might have made the decision to break up our marriage, but I was going to make that decision the RIGHT one! I took this opportunity to analyze myself and my life and make the chances necessary to have a much better life than I ever had with my exh. Thus by embracing these changes I _made_ the breakup of our marriage the best thing for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 It's however you make up your mind to be. When my ex left, I made a vow to myself that he might have made the decision to break up our marriage, but I was going to make that decision the RIGHT one! I took this opportunity to analyze myself and my life and make the chances necessary to have a much better life than I ever had with my exh. Thus by embracing these changes I _made_ the breakup of our marriage the best thing for me. You "ROCK!" Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 lol thanks Gunny Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 It's however you make up your mind to be. When my ex left, I made a vow to myself that he might have made the decision to break up our marriage, but I was going to make that decision the RIGHT one! I took this opportunity to analyze myself and my life and make the chances necessary to have a much better life than I ever had with my exh. Thus by embracing these changes I _made_ the breakup of our marriage the best thing for me. That is just great advice! Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted March 7, 2008 Share Posted March 7, 2008 Don't mean to steal a thread but just wanted to jump in and say hi to you two. Thinga are G R E A T and live does go on :-) . You're really, the only two still left here from earlier and much more painful times... Hope you both are well and everything si goign well for oyu two. CC Link to post Share on other sites
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