Knowing when to give up - long post.

[Elena62]

I won't repost my story again, but if you're all interested look up my first thread which should give you some background.

 

I'm still trying to save my marriage. Perhaps it's the idealist in me or perhaps I do still love him - but after 26 years together, I just can't save it anymore or try to.

 

For five years we've been verbally separated, each living our own lives at his request. We are now legally separated, but we still share a house, we have to because of reasons I can't go into here on an open forum. The legal date to sell the house and move on is in 2009. we both accepted this.

 

But he STILL tries to get physical with me, and I refuse it all the time. If I'm not good enough to be his wife, I'm not good enough to be in his bed, full stop. Years ago, I would let him be physical and then just walk away from me and I can't compromise myself like that anymore.

 

It's soul destroying.

 

Today, after him trying to be physical with me again and my refusing it I had to talk to him yet again. I had to point things out to him that he didn't like. But he's SO obsessed with blaming me for everything, and I mean every little detail gets reverted back to me. And I don't feel it's about me, it should be about what he's done or hasn't done within the marriage to make it fall apart.

 

I did it, I accepted the things that I did wrong - like I could have been more attentive to his needs, but he just can't see that his infidelity and denial has been the root of the devil in this marriage. He just can't see it.

 

I told him today that he has to stop being physical with me or attempting to me. I asked him to think about the kind of message that gives to me. Wanting to end the marriage and not even consider going to counselling, and then wanting to just f*$k me? I asked him to consider if the message that gives to another person indicates that they are worthless, and to consider that one of us has to put a stop to that and that person was me!

 

I also told him that in a marriage there shouldn't be secrets. He said he had hundreds of secrets from me. Like DUH, he's even got his phone password protected. I've always held on to some kind of hope, even when the legal separation was going through. EVEN when another man came into my life.

 

And I find similarities in both these men that have made a huge impact in my life. Both play with the truth to suit themselves, and both of them have secrets and don't admit to being in the wrong. Both of them don't know how to say sorry for inflicting pain. Sorry when it's meant is such a healing word! Both of them what complete control at all costs.

 

And both of them have lost me!

 

My faults, which are many, included not knowing when to say NO. Not knowing when to recognise that I just couldn't please all the people all of the time. And now I've said NO MORE!

 

And I find myself feeling sorry for two people at the same time. And sorry for the trail of mess left behind me. Stangely, my children are emotionally strong, they are my life. I'm finding comfort in my Fathers words, that I'm a good woman, and that I should go back to what I morally believed was right. He's the only man I can completely trust, and he's dying.

 

I know where and what I've done wrong, but if he had only met me half way and tried to understand that we needed help to get through it all and to love each other again, then he wouldn't be losing a wife, and I wouldn't be losing a husband.

 

But I also know that one can only try for so long, and after that there is a cut off point. And I also know I have great strength to cut all these people out of my life and not look back.

 

My marriage is over, and no amount of talking is going to save it. It's time for me to emotionally let go!

 

I hope one day I can find someone decent, that believes in the purity of marriage like I do. But for now, I must remain on my own.

[Curmudgeon]

My marriage is over, and no amount of talking is going to save it. It's time for me to emotionally let go!

 

I hope one day I can find someone decent, that believes in the purity of marriage like I do. But for now, I must remain on my own.

 

It took me some time to realize that the former marriage of 25 years was over even when all signs pointed to it.

Once you come to the realization and actually believe it you can begin to get on with your life.

 

There are good and decent people out there and available. I'm sure you and one of them will find one another. All in good time!