Is this normal????

[stone22]

I have been married for nearly three years now. My wife an I are both 25. Our relationship up until about a year ago has been great. We started dating when we very young (15), and have really grown up together. We get along very well, and don't hate each other in the least bit. It seems though, that as of about a year ago we started to drift apart.

 

I started a new job about a year ago and loved it to death. I woke up in the morning and couldn't wait to get to work to start my day. After two months or so, I started to developed feelings for a co-worker. Big suprise, huh? These feeling grew and grew and became so intense that she was all that I could think about. My wife started to notice that I was acting differntly towards her. Not as loving as I had been in the past.

 

Meanwhile my relationship with the co-worker started to grow. I had very strong feelings for her and I knew that she had feelings for me. We never discussed it though, even to this date.

 

As it turned out, last September our office got shut down. It was a very devisating thing for me, because part of the reason I loved this job so much was because of the people that worked there, especially this other women. This meant that I couldn't see her any more, unless we went "dark".

 

The problem is, I am still deeply in love with this girl. This relationship has never gotten to the point of physically crossing the line. I am too scared to cross it. I have had plenty of opportunities but held back. She is in a long, commited relationship herself. I don't want to try anything because I don't want to hurt her and because I want a relationship with her that is built on better terms. It is so very difficult to just sit here and not be able to do anything.

 

I cannot get her off my mind at all. It has een 5 months since I have talked to her, and I still think about her ever single day. It hurts to think what we could have had.

 

Is this normal? I feel awful that I feel this way because my wife does not deserve this, but I just feel like I can't help it. I have already gone to counseling about this, but it doesn't seem to help at all.

 

Whats even worse i that I still love my wife, but not the way that I used to. I love her more like a good friend and have just lost the romantic feelings for her. I don't think that I want them back, either.

 

Am I a freak? Is this normal? Do I divorce my wife? I know that as much as I would want it to be, that I can't have a healthy relationship with the other girl. At least anytime soon. Any advice?

[Curmudgeon]

The problem is, I am still deeply in love with this girl. This relationship has never gotten to the point of physically crossing the line. .

 

The problem is that you are and have been having a full-blown emotional affair with this woman and continue to practice emotional infidelity.

 

Whats even worse i that I still love my wife, but not the way that I used to. I love her more like a good friend and have just lost the romantic feelings for her. I don't think that I want them back, either.

 

Since you don't want the old, loving feelings towards your wife back the best thing you can do is confess that to her and offer marriage counseling if you even want to try. If you don't then leave the marriage and free her to eventually find someone who will truly love her.

 

Am I a freak? Is this normal? Do I divorce my wife? I know that as much as I would want it to be, that I can't have a healthy relationship with the other girl. At least anytime soon. Any advice?

 

No, you're not a freak You're just an emotional cheat. You want what you can't have and don't want what you did have and could have again. Your, "At least anytime soon" is very telling. You still hold out hope for the former coworker so as long as you do, "Yes!" you should divorce.

[stone22]

Thanks for the reply.

 

Have you been in a situation like this?

[Curmudgeon]

16 years ago on my first day of work at a new agency I met a woman whom I found quite intriguing and compelling. I was married at the time and had been for 23 years so I banished the thoughts. Over time the woman and I became appropriate work friends.

 

About three years later the then wife left me for reasons of her own, none of which were remotely related to my work friendship. As it turns out the eventual ex already had a boyfriend waiting in the wings for her.

 

Shortly thereafter my work friend changed agencies but because of a common policy area, we continued to work together on occasion. Two+ years following the separation and divorce from the ex I asked my work friend out. By then we'd know one another for five years, we no longer worked for the same agency and directly together so there was nothing standing in the way.

 

It only took one magical date for us to discover and admit how much we'd grown to love one another over the years. We were married two months later and that was over 11 years ago.

 

So there are some similartities. But the biggest difference is that neither of us acted on then, whatsoever, as long as I was still married. We wouldn't even go to lunch together.

[annieo]

16 years ago on my first day of work at a new agency I met a woman whom I found quite intriguing and compelling. I was married at the time and had been for 23 years so I banished the thoughts. Over time the woman and I became appropriate work friends.

 

About three years later the then wife left me for reasons of her own, none of which were remotely related to my work friendship. As it turns out the eventual ex already had a boyfriend waiting in the wings for her.

 

Shortly thereafter my work friend changed agencies but because of a common policy area, we continued to work together on occasion. Two+ years following the separation and divorce from the ex I asked my work friend out. By then we'd know one another for five years, we no longer worked for the same agency and directly together so there was nothing standing in the way.

 

It only took one magical date for us to discover and admit how much we'd grown to love one another over the years. We were married two months later and that was over 11 years ago.

 

So there are some similartities. But the biggest difference is that neither of us acted on then, whatsoever, as long as I was still married. We wouldn't even go to lunch together.

 

What a romantic and honourable how-we-met story! Curmudgeon, I love reading your posts. You have my unqualified respect, for your wisdom, honesty and humanity.

[stone22]

Curmudgeon

 

You had known the woman for over 11 years and then after one date you suddenly realized how much you loved each other? I guess my question is, how was it that you were abel to supress the feelings you had for her? That is the problem that I am having. I know that I am commiting emotional infidelity, but I don't know how to stop it. I have stopped all communication. I do not email, text or talk to her, and I still get that sick feeling in my stomache every day.

 

Was it that easy to "banish" your feelings for her? Is it a maturity thing?

[Curmudgeon]

Was it that easy to "banish" your feelings for her? Is it a maturity thing?

 

Actually, we knew each other five years before the first date. The 11 years is how long we've been married.

 

I knew it was dangerous because I had to consciously suppress my feelings and never acknowledge nor act upon them, even to myself. I could have asked her out quite a bit earlier post-separation and when divorce was inevitable than I did and she had ever so gently hinted at it but I knew I wasn't ready so I didn't.

 

It may have been a maturity thing but it was also sending what I believed to be the right message to my two youngest daughters about relationships since the ex had moved her boyfriend in with them while I was still attempting reconciliation.

 

As for my wife, she was worth waiting for.

 

I think both of us knew we loved one another. It just took that first date to unlock the feelings and make them OK. Actually, it scared the hell out of both of us it was so intense. The date lasted 17½ hours from the time I picked her up for breakfast to the time I dropped her off at her home following dinner and a long drive back to our city from the beach. We didn't even touch hands until almost a week later although we met for lunch every day but one and for drinks or dinner following work.

[anotherother24]

Whatever you do, don't start anything with this woman unless your sure you can finish it. It all turns into a big mess. I don't know what to say about you and your wife, maybe it's normal what your experiencing...or maybe you all could of possibly been too young to get married. I think you change alot in these years and to be with someone since you are 15, that has to be a risk.

 

I know it's hard to stop feelings for someone, I wish there was some magic button, I'd be pushing the hell out of it right now. but...whatever you do, don't involve this woman, or any other woman. If you don't want to be with your wife, maybe ask for a seperation or something, see if that's what you really want. I don't know if I'd tell her of your feelings for this other woman or not. Good luck

[HisLove]

Stone, I think maybe you have (and your wife too) outgrown each other. Look how long you've been together - no chance at ever really knowing if something different was out there. No chance to experience other relationships to gauge whether the one you were in was good or bad.

 

I know for myself that it took one event happening that opened my eyes to the way I could feel. Before that point, I wasn't aware it existed. But once I knew, I did not stay married for long.

 

You know in yourself whether your marriage has a chance to turn around, for your feelings to change towards your wife. If you know that isn't going to happen, then cut yourselves free and put it down to experience. I can tell you that an affair will only make things WORSE. Far worse than you can ever imagine. If you thought you were having problems now they will pale in comparison to being busted cheating.

 

Probably the best thing you can do if those feelings for your wife aren't going to change is to be by yourself for a couple of years, enjoy what's out there and don't tie yourself down so quickly. It seems you've never really been by yourself.

[D-Lish]

The sad reality is that people can and do drift apart. I was with my ex husband for almost 9 years in total. By the end of our relationship- we had just lost our romantic connection.

 

DOn't get me wrong, I still loved him to death... but he was more like a best friend than a lover. Both of us were heartbroken by the split, but both of us knew it was for the best.

 

I still run into him here and there, exchange an e-mail once and a while... and it's always so sad for both of us. I actually ran into him and his new wife and children over x-mas.... I walked away and had a good cry. He e-mailed me later and confessed that he had a good cry over it later on as well.

 

So, I can relate to where you are coming from. I do think it's apparant that you two have grown apart. I'd sit down with your wife and have a long talk about your relationship. I don't think you should ever admit you have feelings for another woman- that information could cause more heart break than is necessary. Trust me, she doesn't need to know that secret.

[surfcitysiren]

Curmudgeon

 

You had known the woman for over 11 years and then after one date you suddenly realized how much you loved each other? I guess my question is, how was it that you were abel to supress the feelings you had for her? That is the problem that I am having. I know that I am commiting emotional infidelity, but I don't know how to stop it. I have stopped all communication. I do not email, text or talk to her, and I still get that sick feeling in my stomache every day.

 

Was it that easy to "banish" your feelings for her? Is it a maturity thing?

 

 

I realize you did not address this question to ME in any way, however.....

 

(And btw, I am answering and speaking as a married for 18 years, should and did know better woman who is still coping with the self inflicted emotional fallout from an emotional affair I embarked upon in January, so please judge this post in that vein: as the pot calling the kettle black. Okay?)

 

Is it a maturity thing? You better believe it is. But it's also a morality thing. It's about holding yourself to a certain standard, no matter what, simply because it's the right thing to do.

 

It's what seperates the boys and girls from the men and women.....

 

Personally, I am humbled by the presence of someone of the caliber of Curmudgeon on these boards. That, my friend, is a MAN. Character and strength of mind and spirit personified. I can tell you he has my absolute respect. There should be more men like him.....

[stone22]

surfcitysiren-

 

You have been married for 18 years. Wow. I am happy for you.

 

Can you honestly say that you were never tempted in the least bit over those 18 years? THat you eyes have never wandered? Can you honestly say that you have never had the smallest bit of attraction for the opposite sex while you were married? Furthermore, are you truly happy with you spouse? Are YOU being honest with yourself and with your true feelings?

 

I too, up until a year ago, would have responed to a post the same way that you did - as though I was standing on a soap box. I fully realize what is moral and immoral. WHat you may not have realized is that I have tried so very hard to eliminate ANY sort of contact with this woman, and I still have not been able to forget about her.

 

I really get the feeling that have not experienced anything like this yourself, so please- do not post any comments in which you incinuate that I am less of a man than anyone else, unless you have actually been in the same situation that I have been in.

 

I do realize that I asked for it in a way by posting. What I was looking for was honest, encouraging feedback on my situation.

 

Don't tell me what is moral and immoral.

 

Thank you to curmudgeon, d-lish , hislove and anotherbrother. You four have posted very helpful comments.

Edited March 8, 2008 by stone22

[MimiMe]

I agree with the hotness of D-List. (That chick is hot!)

Dont tell your wife about the feeling you have been harboring for someone else...this will cause unrepairable damage!! I was married to my teenage love that I have been with since I was 17 and I am 30 now. WE are heading for a divorce after he cheated on me for almost 3 yrs. (LOSER!)

I guess this is the way that he felt about me>>>??? the same way you feel about your wife. Be fair, she is a woman and needs to feel loved and be loved as one and not as a friend or sister. She is your wife not your co-worker (oh well sorry to make that comparison ) LOL!

 

As per the feelings that you have for the other chick.... You will be surprise that if in any given case you ever came to having a relationship with her, it all becomes the same. Those sparks and flying hearts dont last forever. This is not Dreamworks studios- this is real life and we must live in reality. All relationships turn into the same! I am not saying settled for your marriage and get over it, better luck next life time...

Just be fair and dont hurt someone that doesnt deserve it.

sucks to be you!

[stone22]

Yeah- D-lish... she chose a a good screen name!

 

I think you are right that if I ever had a relationship with this other girl or anyone else for that matter, it would probably end up the same way. That is at least until I fix what is going on inside me I guess. Deep down I know that it would be messy if anything were to ever materialize. The hard part is figuring out what to do with these feelings for her. I have not seen her in so long, and yet she is on my mind every day. I think I am looking for a simple answer, but there isn't one.

 

I have been trying so hard to avoid the creep status. In some ways I may have hit that, I guess.

 

Hope everything works out for you-- I might be single in a few months if you are curious... ok- bad joke....

 

Seriously though- good luck. Thanks for the reply.