Just found him on Match.com...

[Star Gazer]

Did you say your ex is moving? That will probably be a good thing for you.

 

Well, he already moved once...he's now 500 miles away. In a month he'll be 3,000 miles away. That actually makes my heart hurt the most... the farther away he gets, the more distant we become...

 

What are you doing for yourself right now to feel better?

 

Nothing. I'm honestly miserable right now. Professionally, personally, emotionally...

[Star Gazer]

e.clipse - Thank you for that. You nailed it right on the head.

 

He's "Online Now!" like 10 times a day - searching. He doesn't long for what we had, it's over and done in his eyes. He wants us to be "friends." That, I honestly believe... and not the back-burner kind, either. Just friends. Thing is, recently he hasn't even been a friend to me.

[Art_Critic]

He's "Online Now!" like 10 times a day - searching.

 

Star.. you must also be searching and watching him online 10 times a day if you know all this.. you found him on match even though you don't have a match account..

 

You have to find a way to peel this guy from your life..

You are no longer in his life but he is still in yours because you give him that space..

Time to kick him out of your life..

Take the reins..

[Star Gazer]

Star.. you must also be searching and watching him online 10 times a day if you know all this.. you found him on match even though you don't have a match account..

 

I Googled his little handle - you know, the one he uses for IM and MySpace and whatnot. That's how I found it. Was so easy, it was scary.

[whichwayisup]

SG, I think you know you need to completely go cold turkey and go NC with him. No friendship can happen as you can't handle it.

 

This guy has moved on and will only bring you more pain.

 

Sadly, I don't think he was the guy you thought (or hoped) he was.

 

Stop googling him and searching online, what he does will only upset you more. His actions, not his words, show you this.

[Star Gazer]

I know I need to go NC. But I can't... not yet.

 

Explain this to me:

 

He has said, "If you can't be friends, I understand." In saying that, isn't he just saying, "I don't really care if we're friends"?? Or is he being kind and understanding? IMO, if he really cared, he'd fight for our friendship and really want to remain friends.

[sandflea]

I know I need to go NC. But I can't... not yet.

 

Explain this to me:

 

He has said, "If you can't be friends, I understand." In saying that, isn't he just saying, "I don't really care if we're friends"?? Or is he being kind and understanding? IMO, if he really cared, he'd fight for our friendship and really want to remain friends.

 

SG - every time you pick at the scab, it's going to bleed more.

 

Time to chin up, and move on. I'm sorry... I wish it was easier.

 

No more Match.com surfing, no more myspace searching. Let it drop. It's over.

 

Focus on you, and keep posting.

 

SF

[whichwayisup]

I know I need to go NC. But I can't... not yet.

 

Explain this to me:

 

He has said, "If you can't be friends, I understand." In saying that, isn't he just saying, "I don't really care if we're friends"?? Or is he being kind and understanding? IMO, if he really cared, he'd fight for our friendship and really want to remain friends.

 

He is saying that HE can handle the friendship because he's distanced himself from you already, emotionally detached from you. Sadly, I think he did that a while ago, which is why he is leaving the ball in your court. He is more or less telling you, if you can handle a "detached" buddy-friendship, then fine. And if you can't handle that, then that's okay too. He doesn't care one way or another. If he did, he would see your pain and know you cannot handle ANY type of friendship, let alone contact. Any friendship with him isn't healthy for you because of your feelings for him...He is nice to you, you'll take that out of context and think he wants you again. He is in a bad mood, you're going to take that personally and get upset. Make sense?

 

SG, why do you want to be friends with him? What good does he actually bring into your life 'as a friend.' Not talking about how he makes you feel - We're talking friendship here. Ask yourself what it is about him that you are looking for, and take a step back and see if he can actually meet ANY of your needs, especially from afar.

 

Sadly SG, it seems you're hanging on tightly to someone who wants to just go away and do what he wants when he wants..

 

I understand that you can't do NC, atleast right now - But you can change your habits when it comes to him. Work on detaching from him, not thinking of him so much, especially in bf/gf sexual terms, as that is over. Yeah, it'll hurt, but imagine come summertime and you're still into him. What a waste of energy and time on your behalf...He isn't worth it.

[Star Gazer]

He is saying that HE can handle the friendship because he's distanced himself from you already, emotionally detached from you. Sadly, I think he did that a while ago, which is why he is leaving the ball in your court. He is more or less telling you, if you can handle a "detached" buddy-friendship, then fine. And if you can't handle that, then that's okay too. He doesn't care one way or another. If he did, he would see your pain and know you cannot handle ANY type of friendship, let alone contact. Any friendship with him isn't healthy for you because of your feelings for him...He is nice to you, you'll take that out of context and think he wants you again. He is in a bad mood, you're going to take that personally and get upset. Make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense. He doesn't care about me one way or another.

 

I'm not saying I want to be friends. I'm not sure I do. What I want is for HIM to WANT to be friends. I want him to still want me in his life, even if just as friends. I cannot handle the thought of him thinking, "Eh, whatever."

[whichwayisup]

You cannot control his desires SG. I don't understand why you want HIM to want YOU as a friend, make that choice. I really believe you're too emotionally attached still to be objective. He is indifferent either way and is leaving it up to you.

 

Why do you want him in your life? Even just as a friend? I mean, how are you going to feel when he meets someone else, goes on dates, or even gets a new girlfriend. What kind of friendship can you offer him, let alone, what kind of friendship can he offer you? I am trying to understand why you're hanging onto him and not letting him go, atleast for a while until your feelings for him fade and you can detach.

[Art_Critic]

I cannot handle the thought of him thinking, "Eh, whatever."

 

 

Since actions speak louder than words then I would think he already thinks "Eh Whatever "

 

You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it.

 

In the same token .. They are responsible for what they do and say and you are responsible for how YOU react to it..

[Kamille]

While I totally agree with WWIU, Star, I think part of your reasonning right now stems from the fact that you are in a bit of an anxiety crisis mode and are therefore prone to reading everything in black and white, in an does he or doesn't he care way.

 

Yes, it makes sense. He doesn't care about me one way or another.

 

I'm not saying I want to be friends. I'm not sure I do. What I want is for HIM to WANT to be friends. I want him to still want me in his life, even if just as friends. I cannot handle the thought of him thinking, "Eh, whatever."

 

Why do you care whether or not he cares SG?

 

Of course he isn't thinking 'eh whatever' but he knows he hurt you, knows he's not willing to offer you what you wanted, knows he betrayed what the two of you had - so, personnally, I think he is speaking out of guilt and distance by offering you the possibility to chose whether or not you can remain friends. Fact likley is, no SG, he doesn't care the same way you do.

 

But it doesn't matter what he thinks or why he does the things he does or whether he cares or not. Right now, what you need is time to heal. Once you've healed, then you will be better positioned to decide whether or not a friendship is desirable.

 

SO my answer to his question would be: Right now I need time for myself. I will get in touch if ever I think it will be possible for the two of us to be friends.

[sb129]

it actually helps with the pain relief of the breakup.. even if you aren't serious about dating and only looking for affirmation that you are lovable again.. ( which is why I have done it before )

 

 

I joined a few online dating sites the week after I broke it off with my last ex. I think it was to help me to keep my resolve to stay away from him foe once and for all, and to remind myself that I wasn't the only single person on the planet, and that I was desirable... I actually had no intention of meeting anyone for ages, and then I met Wonderboy.

I think this is why you are checking your EHarmony right SG?

 

My ex had done a pretty good job of trying to convince me that HE was the only person in the world that could love me.. I broke it off with him to retain a final shred of dignity.

OUr R was very up and down and quite disastrous.

 

Anyway, he found some of my dating profiles and went craaaaazzzzy. I had to delete a couple, as he sent me all kinds of abuse, which just confirmed to me that I had done the right thing by splitting with him really, but I can kinda appreciate why he was so mad, esp as he was jealous and possessive at the best of times while we were together.

 

 

I agree he is just bored and playing the field.... you really need to use the number one LS rule about healing the pain and start with NC..

If you stop contacting him things will start to get better..

 

There is a poster on LS ( I think it was LB ) who used to say

" No new contacts means no new hurts ".. I firmly believe that to be true

 

This is so true. No matter HOW tempting it is, even looking at his match profile is a form of contact. You can't be friends with him- you still have feelings for him, and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, hence its pointless, esp as he is moving even further away now.

 

SG- he is moving East, he strung you along on a right merry dance, and whatever he is looking for on match.com, its NOT a serious R, and its not your concern honey.

It confirms to me that he is a bit of a player and NOT ready to settle down with anyone at all.

 

He sounds like the proverbial "Kid in a Candy Shop"- and that kind of person isn't the kind of guy for you.

 

I can understand completely why you are so upset, but I hope you take this as further proof that he is not worthy of even being your friend, and you must try to let him go- no more contact, please.

[sb129]

I think he is speaking out of guilt and distance by offering you the possibility to chose whether or not you can remain friends.

Right now, what you need is time to heal. Once you've healed, then you will be better positioned to decide whether or not a friendship is desirable.

SO my answer to his question would be: Right now I need time for myself. I will get in touch if ever I think it will be possible for the two of us to be friends.

 

Absolutely.

 

YOU are the one who should decide whether friendship is possible, but right now you can't make that decision, because you are not over him.

 

When you are over him, you will most likely not give a monkeys whether he is your friend or not, because he probably won't contribute anything to your life as a friend.

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is, how supportive of a friend has he been to you? Not too long ago you experienced something that was very scary and brought you back with some bad memories. How supportive was he to you? From what I can remember, not much. He isn't and hasn't gone out of his way to help you, not even as a 'friend.' He's turned his back on you and he knows your frame of mind, still doesn't care. You're hanging on to someone who doesn't really want a true friendship in a sense...Friends do NOT back off on eachother during rough times - He's done that with you.

[Star Gazer]

Friends do NOT back off on eachother during rough times - He's done that with you.

 

He's done that with others as well, even during not-really-tough times.

 

Objectively, I know you are all right... I'm not sure why I can't let go.

[Ruby]

He's done that with others as well, even during not-really-tough times.

 

Objectively, I know you are all right... I'm not sure why I can't let go.

 

You can't let him go because you still love him and no matter how many people tell you "he does not care so why should you?" it makes no difference.

 

This is called heartbroken and that is what you are. You just need to ride the storm and try to manage whilst you feel this way

 

We have all been where you are and it is not nice. But it is not forever!

[whichwayisup]

Objectively, I know you are all right... I'm not sure why I can't let go.

 

Try NC for 2 days. Do your best to keep busy, visit friends, go out have some fun. Vent here instead of contacting him. IF he calls or emails you in those two days, don't answer. Infact, just don't check your email or turn on your IM for 2 days. See how you feel after those 2 days, and then do 2 more days. Atleast try that.

[Star Gazer]

Try NC for 2 days. Do your best to keep busy, visit friends, go out have some fun. Vent here instead of contacting him. IF he calls or emails you in those two days, don't answer. Infact, just don't check your email or turn on your IM for 2 days. See how you feel after those 2 days, and then do 2 more days. Atleast try that.

 

We haven't spoken since Friday because he threw his phone down in a fit of anger during an argument with his friend and broke it. He had to call me from his mom's cell phone to let me know he'd be unreachable by phone until he gets a new one (today or tomorrow). Not being able to hear his voice has helped a tiny bit, but not much.

 

I wish I could avoid my email, but I can't. I'm on a couple committees and we all email each other all day long. IM isn't an issue - he and I have IM'd a total of 4 or 5 times ever. We're always on the phone.

[Sweetcheripie]

Ok I have a little different perspective. I don't think it is really about him anymore. Intellectually you realize he is not good enough for you.

 

But it is about ego. You are an absolutely amazing young woman and have a lot going for you so you can't understand why he isn't madly wanting you. You want to win and it is making you sooooo mad and hurt that you are not winning his affection.

 

It is normal to feel this way - especially when dealing with abandonement issues. People with abandonement issues usually chose love interests that are not on their same level - usually men with potential - but not there yet. Thriving on the potential but not seeing the here and now (reality).

 

This guy on the outside may have looked good, but has lots of weaknesses. This usually is the initial pure chemistry. Someone who is confident but when you get to know them see their weakness and boy is that enticing. You connect!! Because you find out they are flawed and that underlying really deep emotion that says you are flawed because someone that was suppossed to love you left you says awww we can be flawed together.

 

This may not make any sense - but even kids that are adopted into wonderful homes often have this deep seeded abandonment issue. It is a constant search to find the someone that will love us unconditionally but ironically we choose the ones so flawed they can't love unconditionally.

 

Hopefully, at some point, you can see that people like him are flawed and cannot and will never see a good thing. It is not your battle to win.

 

It is the hardest lesson to learn for a high achiever (and I would venture to guess most high acheivers have abandonment issues) because in everything else in life except love relationships if we work hard enough we can obtain success. It just isn't so in relationships.

[Star Gazer]

Ok I have a little different perspective. I don't think it is really about him anymore. Intellectually you realize he is not good enough for you.

 

"Good enough"? Hmm. I don't like that phrase. It makes him sound bad, and I don't see him in that light. I do, however, objectively and intellectually know that he cannot offer me what I want and need to thrive in a relationship. He can't, he won't. What I want and need isn't going to come from him.

 

But it is about ego. You are an absolutely amazing young woman and have a lot going for you so you can't understand why he isn't madly wanting you. You want to win and it is making you sooooo mad and hurt that you are not winning his affection.

 

Perhaps it IS about ego. For some reason, I look to him to validate me.

 

It is normal to feel this way - especially when dealing with abandonement issues. People with abandonement issues usually chose love interests that are not on their same level - usually men with potential - but not there yet. Thriving on the potential but not seeing the here and now (reality).

 

This guy on the outside may have looked good, but has lots of weaknesses. This usually is the initial pure chemistry. Someone who is confident but when you get to know them see their weakness and boy is that enticing. You connect!! Because you find out they are flawed and that underlying really deep emotion that says you are flawed because someone that was suppossed to love you left you says awww we can be flawed together.

 

I'm not sure I understand exactly what you're saying, but I can acknowledge that I do tend to focus too much on potential rather than what actually IS.

[Haohmaru]

I did the google thing too! Saw the exs profile on Camfrog. But it was DURING the time we were together and it said she was single!

 

She only had one friend, but hell, it was a boy and that's one too many.

 

I'm actually glad I found it because it lets me know I made the right decision.

[CaliGuy]

 

I looked about two weeks ago, just to see... he wasn't there.

 

Today, he is.

 

:sick:

 

What I don't understand is that he just basically got a job that will cause him to move to the east coast within a month's time. WTF would he be looking to date NOW?

 

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. So much. This hurts so very, very badly.

 

 

SG, why? Why are you bothering to look him up at all? What do you care?

 

He is a L-O-S-E-R.

 

You're a catch.

He is not.

 

Nuff said. Go out with that smart guy your friend referred you to.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps it IS about ego. For some reason, I look to him to validate me.

Why do you need him to validate you? You don't need ANYONE's approval, let alone validation...

 

I can understand your pain of knowing that he is over you and how that may bug you, but there isn't anything you can do. He grieved over the relationship being over a long time ago, and just took his time ending it officially.

 

Please SG, don't hang onto him. He serves no purpose in your life anymore. Only thing he'll bring you now is pain and you don't need that. Like a bandaid, rip it off quickly - Go full on NC.

[CaliGuy]

Perhaps it IS about ego. For some reason, I look to him to validate me.

 

Because, SG, deep down you are insecure. You need validation from other people where the most confident people walking this earth know you seek validation FROM WITHIN and not from others.

 

You will NEVER, EVER become a confident person by seeking the approval of others. It just won't happen.

 

On top of that, we as human beings are much harder on ourselves than we are on others. We expect more from ourselves.

 

You can not make everyone happy, SG. Not gonna happen. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.

 

I'm not sure I understand exactly what you're saying, but I can acknowledge that I do tend to focus too much on potential rather than what actually IS.

 

Potential vs Actual.

 

Apples/Oranges.

 

Never ever date someone on potential versus what they show you they are now. I've dated on potential. Biggest waste of time ever. If you're not willing to completely accept someone for who they are now, then you will never be satisfied...