Just found him on Match.com...

[whichwayisup]

On top of that, we as human beings are much harder on ourselves than we are on others. We expect more from ourselves.

 

This is true. We judge ourselves and are harder on ourselves than anyone else.

 

Also, it doesn't matter what anyone else but you thinks or feels because it's your life. That's the bottomline.

[Star Gazer]

SG, why? Why are you bothering to look him up at all? What do you care?

 

He is a L-O-S-E-R.

 

You're a catch.

He is not.

 

You crack me up, dude.

 

Nuff said. Go out with that smart guy your friend referred you to.

 

I would have, but he apparently was "put off" by an exchange we had on the telephone and has avoided all contact since. Our mutual friend had to explain to me why he went MIA.

[whichwayisup]

So what was said that put him off? You know you can't drop a little bomb like that and not share detail! Silly woman!

[CaliGuy]

You crack me up, dude.

 

It's my job, mang.

 

I would have, but he apparently was "put off" by an exchange we had on the telephone and has avoided all contact since. Our mutual friend had to explain to me why he went MIA.

 

Ok so what have we learned?

 

Pick yourself up.

Dust yourself off.

Shake it off.

Get your life in order.

Then go out on dates.

 

What's the rush? Spend some time getting to know YOU again. Hang out with friends, invest in some new hobbies, exercise every day for at least 45 minutes and just hang with friends.

 

Look, I know where you're coming from. I've been there, we've all been there. But you won't get better until you focus on yourself and go strict NC. Trust me. When I laid the hammer down on NC I improved, daily, by leaps and bounds. And by NC, I mean not checking up on him and finding out what he's up to. It doesn't do anything but boost his ego unnecessarily and blow your self-esteem.

 

Cut the bad people out of your life. You don't "need" anyone. It's nice to have someone around but you'll be perfectly fine without them. And trust me, once you realize that and accept it, that's the very minute Mr. Right comes walking through the door.

[mistie03]

I'm just sitting here reading all of you talking about guys with perfect bodies and realizing that the guy I'm in love with is skeletal and not particularly well-endowed. And I think he's the most beautiful creature on the planet. What's up with that?

My ex-bf is so good looking it is ridiculous. He works out at the gym constantly. He has long blonde hair and a killer bod.

 

He is also the WORST boyfriend I've ever had. Very arrogant and emotionally distant.

 

You can't always judge a book by it's cover.

[Star Gazer]

So what was said that put him off? You know you can't drop a little bomb like that and not share detail! Silly woman!

 

He and I had THREE 1.5-2 hour telephone conversations. Great, fun, upbeat conversations. During each of these conversations, we spoke in detail about what I do for a living... the particulars: area of practice, private firm, how I bill clients, etc. He was always the one asking. He's had some experience working with attorneys who've handled various matters for him, so he seemed curious about how what I do differs from other attorneys who he knows.

 

Anyway. During the fourth phone call, he asked (yet again), "So, what kind of law do you practice?"

 

 

Sorry, but that kinda irritated me. Actually, given how recent my breakup with the Ex was, and how unimportant I was feeling, it actually hurt my feelings. So I said (in a very friendly, joking voice, mind you), "Ya knnnnoooowww, you've asked me that already, a couple times, but __________ [told him again]."

 

He apologized profusely, and went on and on about this big deal he's working on and how it's making him all scatter brained and ADD-like. He seemed genuinely embarrassed almost. I repeatedly said, "It's okay, it's okay," but what I was really thinking was, "How many women are you interviewing on the phone? Must be a ton if you can't remember the simple fact I am an attorney practicing exclusively employment litigation for a private firm."

 

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I repeated that phrase during our three previous conversations. And his inquiry wasn't like, "I'm sorry, I forget, what kind of law do you practice again...?" Nope. It was as if he had no idea that we'd ever spoken about it before. I was particularly surprised that he was unable to recall or pay attention to my career given how ambitious and career driven HE is. You'd think that he'd be interested in that sort of thing.

 

I felt like I should be the one who was mad. But turns out that he got the gist that I was irked, and HE was "put off" by the fact that I would even be bothered by his lacking memory/attention to detail. He told our friend, "It would be one thing if we were in a relationship and I forgot what she did for a living, but we had only spoken three times at that point." Yeah, for a total of almost SIX HOURS!

 

I figure if he could get so irritated over me getting irked at that, then there's no way we'd ever get along.

[Star Gazer]

that's the very minute Mr. Right comes walking through the door.

 

How are you gonna walk right through my door all the way from SD? Hmmm...??

[SeraBella]

He and I had THREE 1.5-2 hour telephone conversations. Great, fun, upbeat conversations. During each of these conversations, we spoke in detail about what I do for a living... the particulars: area of practice, private firm, how I bill clients, etc. He was always the one asking. He's had some experience working with attorneys who've handled various matters for him, so he seemed curious about how what I do differs from other attorneys who he knows.

 

Anyway. During the fourth phone call, he asked (yet again), "So, what kind of law do you practice?"

 

 

Sorry, but that kinda irritated me. Actually, given how recent my breakup with the Ex was, and how unimportant I was feeling, it actually hurt my feelings. So I said (in a very friendly, joking voice, mind you), "Ya knnnnoooowww, you've asked me that already, a couple times, but __________ [told him again]."

 

He apologized profusely, and went on and on about this big deal he's working on and how it's making him all scatter brained and ADD-like. He seemed genuinely embarrassed almost. I repeatedly said, "It's okay, it's okay," but what I was really thinking was, "How many women are you interviewing on the phone? Must be a ton if you can't remember the simple fact I am an attorney practicing exclusively employment litigation for a private firm."

 

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I repeated that phrase during our three previous conversations. And his inquiry wasn't like, "I'm sorry, I forget, what kind of law do you practice again...?" Nope. It was as if he had no idea that we'd ever spoken about it before. I was particularly surprised that he was unable to recall or pay attention to my career given how ambitious and career driven HE is. You'd think that he'd be interested in that sort of thing.

 

I felt like I should be the one who was mad. But turns out that he got the gist that I was irked, and HE was "put off" by the fact that I would even be bothered by his lacking memory/attention to detail. He told our friend, "It would be one thing if we were in a relationship and I forgot what she did for a living, but we had only spoken three times at that point." Yeah, for a total of almost SIX HOURS!

 

I figure if he could get so irritated over me getting irked at that, then there's no way we'd ever get along.

 

You had every right to be irked with that. He was probably put off simply because you called him out on it...but he deserved it. I would have been thinking the same thing as you.

[Prodigal Princess]

Looks like you dodged a bullet with the new dude, Star. What a wanker!

 

(Not on topic, but I also think it's good that you got a chance to explain your side of things to your friend when they explained why he went MIA. Nothing worse than being bad-mouthed to a mate and then not getting a chance to explain yourself...)

 

I also agree with CaliGuy that you're probably best to be on your own for awhile. Go skiing, eat lots of chocolate, and start putting the feelers out to get your career on the right track. I think this will be a great year for you.

[daphne]

SG,

 

I'd seriously reread what Cheri wrote. Sadly, I recognized myself in it. Over achiever (although I have become a lot more laid back lately), well off, told I'm beautiful, and the last two guys I dated were beautiful losers. One had great potential, but has hit a downward spiral and is a pothead. The other is also on a downward spiral. He's pothead former model that is going back home to live with his mother if he can't find a woman to live off of because he ran up all of his credit cards playing poker to try to make a living. (btw, he did have a good job when I met him.) Both are going nowhere at this point. My mother left when I was 2. I have a hard time letting go, even when I logically know the person is no good for me.

 

I have been told that i have a somewhat large ego for a female. I need to win. I choose men that I'm on somehwat unequal footing with. Basically, men who I don't believe would ever leave. I have never been dumped. I have once gone back to a guy that I dumped (by email, yeah that was a lesson learned) and he wouldn't take me back. I couldn't function.

 

I'm slowly recognizing the pattern, and it isn't pretty. I don't lack confidence, but I clearly steer away from "equals". But it's not a safer bet. I've learned that the hard way. Unstable is unstable. I can say, without a doubt, I'm ready for a normal guy who makes me happy other than just by looking at him.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I just think it's something you might want to look at. Self awareness lends itself to better decision making.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Edited February 28, 2008 by daphne

[Star Gazer]

I have been told that i have a somewhat large ego for a female. I need to win. I choose men that I'm on somehwat unequal footing with. Basically, men who I don't believe would ever leave. I have never been dumped. I have once gone back to a guy that I dumped (by email, yeah that was a lesson learned) and he wouldn't take me back. I couldn't function.

 

Thanks for your post, D. But that's sooooooooo not me. I have no desire to "win" in a relationship, I actually find myself choosing men who I subconsciously DO believe WILL leave me, and I am ALWAYS the dumpee in the relationships where I actually care. I really don't think it's an ego thing. This is much deeper than that.

[CaliGuy]

How are you gonna walk right through my door all the way from SD? Hmmm...??

 

It's a long walk from SD, my dear

 

Besides, who wants to live in NORCAL when you can live in sunny, warm and beach friendly SAN-D-FRIGGEN-EGGO

[CaliGuy]

My ex-bf is so good looking it is ridiculous. He works out at the gym constantly. He has long blonde hair and a killer bod.

 

He is also the WORST boyfriend I've ever had. Very arrogant and emotionally distant.

 

You can't always judge a book by it's cover.

 

Maybe not, but the most beautiful women I've dated were always the ones with the least confidence and the biggest head cases.

 

I'm not saying all beautiful women are like that, it's just been the experiences I've had.

 

I'd take an average looking "Jane" with her head on straight over 100 of the hottest women with "luggage" of the brain - any day of the week.

[Green]

whoa Cali*guy stepping up! changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes.

[daphne]

Thanks for your post, D. But that's sooooooooo not me. I have no desire to "win" in a relationship, I actually find myself choosing men who I subconsciously DO believe WILL leave me, and I am ALWAYS the dumpee in the relationships where I actually care. I really don't think it's an ego thing. This is much deeper than that.

 

I guess I'm projecting because your situation sounds very similar to mine. Although, the ego thing is more of a protection than competition. I already have a hard time letting go when things end. I don't want to imagine if someone I really wanted dumped me. Who knows. Maybe it would be the same.

[Lyssa]

I felt like I should be the one who was mad. But turns out that he got the gist that I was irked, and HE was "put off" by the fact that I would even be bothered by his lacking memory/attention to detail. He told our friend, "It would be one thing if we were in a relationship and I forgot what she did for a living, but we had only spoken three times at that point." Yeah, for a total of almost SIX HOURS!

 

I'd get mad at him! 6 hours is a lot of hours! It doesn't matter if he was in a R or not... he spent that amount of time, he should have remembered what you told him! But then again, some men are just... hopeless. Gee whizz...

[dropdeadlegs]

Your thread has veered quite a bit from your OP concerning Match.com!

 

So many thoughts... I'm not sure where to start.

 

Getting over this guy will absolutely require NC. You know I'm a "give all" kind of girl, but there comes a point where enough is enough and You're well being takes priority. I'm afraid this whole Match thing is where it needs to end.

 

I admire your honesty in admitting that you were checking eHarmony, but as the "dumpee" I see that as different,you were looking for validation. I wish my validation were good enough for you, but understand that it is not.

 

Being friends is not in your best interests right now. It's "hanging on" to something that isn't meant to be. Especially in light of his untruths within his Match profile.

 

NC is the best avenue. Sure, a new guy would quickly ease the pain, but he won't solve the abandonment issues you have admitted. Work on those in order to make good choices in the future. Right now I'm afraid a new mate will be more of "the same."

 

Slow down and attempt being "alone" while working on yourself in in a few months you will be more than ready to take on the dating world again.

 

(All advice is to be taken with a certain grain of salt. I am notoriously unable to be "alone" at any time and have accepted any attention versus no attention for most of my life. Yet, I remain hopeful to do better in the future, should it be necessary. )

 

I love you, Star!

[sb129]

 

Never ever date someone on potential versus what they show you they are now. I've dated on potential. Biggest waste of time ever. If you're not willing to completely accept someone for who they are now, then you will never be satisfied...

 

It's nice to have someone around but you'll be perfectly fine without them. And trust me, once you realize that and accept it, that's the very minute Mr. Right comes walking through the door.

 

Hooray for Caliguy! Absolutely...

 

 

Some more good points raised by DDL too... now SG, how are things now, are you managing to resist contacting your ex?

 

PS- I would be mad at the guy who kept forgetting what you did for a living too. As ProdigalPrincess says- think you dodged a bullet there!

[Star Gazer]

SG, how are things now, are you managing to resist contacting your ex?

 

We're still talking. I know, I know. BUT! The contact is less frequent. It seems we're both losing the desire to reach for the phone. He's spending the next 4 days interviewing for his dream job, so I believe I can expect 4 days of NC...which will be good for me.

 

PS- I would be mad at the guy who kept forgetting what you did for a living too. As ProdigalPrincess says- think you dodged a bullet there!

 

He's lame. I was disappointed, as we had some great talks and he seemed like a great person... but seriously? Lame.

[sb129]

We're still talking. I know, I know. BUT! The contact is less frequent. It seems we're both losing the desire to reach for the phone. He's spending the next 4 days interviewing for his dream job, so I believe I can expect 4 days of NC...which will be good for me.

 

 

 

He's lame. I was disappointed, as we had some great talks and he seemed like a great person... but seriously? Lame.

 

Oh, you know, your contact may just end up fizzling out- esp once you move onto bigger and better things..

 

Lame is an understatement. I wish all men let their foibles show so early- would save alot of grief!!!

[whichwayisup]

SG, keep asking yourself "what is the point of the friendship" with him. To me it seems (and I could be wrong here) that you still in contact with him is feeding your feelings, you're getting your 'drug' so to speak. You know he isn't into you the way he used to be, and you know that he is no good for you, especially 'as a friend' because he doesn't bring much into your life, other than feelings, mostly unsettling ones.

 

Are you detaching from him or is he still on your mind alot throughout the day? During those 4 days, DO NOT allow yourself to think about him at all. Try it.

[Star Gazer]

Are you detaching from him or is he still on your mind alot throughout the day? During those 4 days, DO NOT allow yourself to think about him at all. Try it.

 

I'm detaching for sure, but he's still on my mind a lot... just in a different way.

[whichwayisup]

How's it going SG?