Author Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2008 Author Share Posted February 24, 2008 You know, if a guy said the same thing about a woman, he'd be called shallow trash by practically every woman on here. And I'm not trying to be offensive, I'm just making an observation. I applaud your honesty Well, let me clarify. He was MY physical ideal... he wouldn't be to everyone. If any dude here said the same thing, I certainly wouldn't call him trash. There's a LOT to be said about physical chemistry pulling at the heartstrings. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I know. I know. Why can't I? What's holding me back!??!?! UGH!!!!!!! Honestly Star, and this is not the popular answer, but you need to find someone to replace him in your life. It will do a variety of things: be a confidence builder, ego boost, and a distraction, as well as your brain telling yourself you are desirable and of value and you don't need HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Well, let me clarify. He was MY physical ideal... he wouldn't be to everyone. If any dude here said the same thing, I certainly wouldn't call him trash. There's a LOT to be said about physical chemistry pulling at the heartstrings. Yes, I like the clarification. Let me be clear: i didn't think any less of you when you made the physical statement. I think its totally understandable and is required for a good relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 He's BROKE, UNEMPLOYED, and lives at HOME with his mother. You're a successful career minded woman, why would you want a man like this? I can speak with authority here as I had one of these back in 2005 and I broke it off. You've gotta strive for someone on the same playing field. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I feel that Star needs to be by herself for a while and work on her insecurity before she goes out with another man. She is not even close to being over this dude yet! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2008 Author Share Posted February 24, 2008 Aria - I know this. When I put my rational hat on, I really, truly know this. So what's holding me back? Why can't I let go?? Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Aria - I know this. When I put my rational hat on, I really, truly know this. So what's holding me back? Why can't I let go?? Because mentally you don't WANT to or involuntarily your brain feels it has no other outlet for a relationship BUT him. Thats why you have to go find someone else Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Hey lets get him back for hurting you, every girl who has a Match account should mail him and arrange to meet him. Let him borrow the money off of mommy to meet a girl who wont be there! Post of the day. I'm a guy and I want in on this action. I have some perfect pictures for it. I actually met my wife on what later became match.com about 10 years ago.... OP, he's not the last hot-looking guy who will turn your head. Likely there will be plenty of them. If you're lucky, a few will have the depth that it takes to have a fulfilling LTR. Plenty of time left in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
latefragment Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Star, what are your thoughts on the phsyical aspect? I ask because I am similar to you in that I tend to fall more easily for guys who fit my physical "likes" (e.g. scruffy, long hair.. I know, some girls think it's gross). Do you feel like your physical "likes" should be amended, or you should try to make yourself "not" have a predisposition for a certain looking type of guy? I ask this because I have wondered myself whether I am letting the short-haired (or in your case, shaved/bald) guys go for no good reason. (something about them just doesn't turn me on). Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Rushing out and finding something else is a quick fix. Star should be searching inside herself for the permanent fix. Why can't you let go Star? Who deserted you in your lifetime? Anybody? Everybody? Who? Most times people who "can't let go" were forced to against their will. Usually at a pretty young age. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Star, what are your thoughts on the phsyical aspect? I ask because I am similar to you in that I tend to fall more easily for guys who fit my physical "likes" (e.g. scruffy, long hair.. I know, some girls think it's gross). Do you feel like your physical "likes" should be amended, or you should try to make yourself "not" have a predisposition for a certain looking type of guy? I ask this because I have wondered myself whether I am letting the short-haired (or in your case, shaved/bald) guys go for no good reason. (something about them just doesn't turn me on). I do this and it's my friggen curse ! tall, slender and dark haired. I think they remind me of my grandfather who was my first male love figure. I KNOW I pass by guys who don't fit my mental stereotype and therefore cut down on a huge proportion of possible partners. BUT...how do I make myself want to kiss a chubby, blonde guy say, if I am not in the least attracted ? It's a curse, I tell ya. Link to post Share on other sites
latefragment Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 melodymatters... yeah, me too definitely. I have definitely dated guys who had short hair and buzz cuts, but i am ALWAYS checking out the long-haired rocker type guys. So... when I HAVE dated a rocker-type guy, it's like I fall for him SO MUCH FASTER and so much easier. I know StarGazer said that her ex bf fits her "physical ideal" to a T, and I know, I will have "amorous" feelings for someone who looks like what I like. In my case, no guy in my family had long hair so I have NO CLUE where this long hair thing came from. probably the whole rock-n-roll thing, that I haven't let go of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 24, 2008 Author Share Posted February 24, 2008 Why can't you let go Star? Who deserted you in your lifetime? Anybody? Everybody? Who? Most times people who "can't let go" were forced to against their will. Usually at a pretty young age. Dad left when I was 2 months old. That was the subject of my first session of therapy. Huge abandonment issues. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 Huge abandonment issues. So you were different for as long as you can remember? Because a man was missing. Is he a great guy or a creep? Physically perfect just like you envisioned him to be? You'll get there. XO Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 I'm so sorry star, I didn't even realize i went off topic on your post until just now. I will tell you my initial reaction to your post was anger, and then "what a loser". It's one thing to maybe peruse the personals to see whats out there, but to post one, so soon after breaking somones heart is in bad taste IMO. I guess the only comfort is realizing how emotionally immature he is. I had a guy who did this, and yup, I am VERY glad we didn't end up together. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I'm just sitting here reading all of you talking about guys with perfect bodies and realizing that the guy I'm in love with is skeletal and not particularly well-endowed. And I think he's the most beautiful creature on the planet. What's up with that? Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 He's literally physically perfect. I mean, perfect. No other guy could ever compare physically. I've never been so horny for a man 24/7 in my entire life. I'm afraid of never feeling that way about someone ever again... Yah man. I know how you feel. My ex was my physical ideal. Thick dark hair, gorgeous dark scheming eyes, broad shoulders, perfect height to fit in back of me exactly like a spoon. How does one get over that? I'm not sure. I think the problem with independence is that "magic" becomes all-important. And let's face it, physical chemistry is at least 50% of that magic. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I'm just sitting here reading all of you talking about guys with perfect bodies and realizing that the guy I'm in love with is skeletal and not particularly well-endowed. And I think he's the most beautiful creature on the planet. What's up with that? It's called not being superficial. Some of us fall in love with the whole man..not just a body and dick. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 It's called not being superficial. Some of us fall in love with the whole man..not just a body and dick. Could be that some of us idolize the body and the dick after we fall in love with the whole man. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Could be that some of us idolize the body and the dick after we fall in love with the whole man. I don't know. Which came first...the dick or the man? Link to post Share on other sites
e.clipse Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 (edited) .......... made a mistake. sorry, Star. Edited February 25, 2008 by e.clipse Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Hey SG, I have to agree that the move to go online probably isn't an attempt to jump into anything serious with anyone. I think it's just an attempt at a distraction. I understand the sick feeling. I met one ex on lava- and within 24 hours of breaking up my friend called to say she had seen his new profile back up on lava. I have also recently broken up with someone from Plenty of Fish- we didn't date along enough to delete our profiles in the first place- but I see his pic flash by on the screen all the time and it sickens me. It makes it hard to move on when you have to deal with these kind of things. Haha- my ex is also jobless, has no vehicle, and lives in his parents basement.... On top of all that he didn't treat me very well. It should be making us wonder what attracted us to them in the first place. I don't know about you... but I am going to aim higher with the next one...lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 I'm glad to know someone understands what I'm feeling, D. I hate this feeling. I hate it. It sickens me. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 And doesn't it feel as if everywhere you turn that there is something there to remind you? My ex has a strange name... one I had never heard before I met him. Now- I hear the name in commercials- see it on the side of transport trucks... it's like everywhere I look I am reminded of my heart ache. We probably have to stop looking for reasons to hurt ourselves. Smart, talented women dating jobless guys who live with their mommies? What's that all about? Did you say your ex is moving? That will probably be a good thing for you. What are you doing for yourself right now to feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
e.clipse Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 Star, i read what Art wrote when he asked you why you are feeling bad, if you did the same thing. and well, logically-speaking, what he says makes a lot of sense, i think. surely i cannot say this is why you feel the way you do, but this is what i think: when you went back on eHarmony to check your matches, i don't think it meant all that much. after all, you know you are still very in love and in hurt with this man. you think about him every day, multiple times a day, maybe, wondering how he is and what he is up to. you love him. you miss him. and you are hurt that he is not with you. so, it seems contradictory that, feeling the way you do, you go back on a dating site to check your matches. but, in a way, it is not. i think that when you are fully aware of the love and pain you feel--because you are not with your love--you can go on there and look through the guys, as if you were looking through your email. you might even think, "Hey, this guy has really nice eyes and has a witty profile" or what have you. and you might even get a bit excited if he sends you a message, but, when that tiny lapse in pain ceases, your thoughts go back to what your heart is missing and wanting: your exbf, not the cute picture on some web page. and then you see him, doing the "same" only it is not the same because you know (or think you know) that he is not the one hurting. he is not the one missing what you had or hoping that you could get it back. and it cuts deeply. because you know where your heart is set and feel/know that his is out and about, looking for somewhere to rest. and that that place is not in you. perhaps you are looking for a momentary distraction too, but ultimately, again, you know the pain you are in. you know you are still in love. so you are completely sure that you are just trying to deter the pain. but since he is the one who went wayward, you cannot say the same for him. maybe it is just a distraction too. maybe not. thus you feel like you have not yet moved on, but think that he may very well has. and even if he hasn't, it doesn't make it any easier because he is on there, looking. and maybe he will go on a date. maybe he will like someone. maybe he will bag himself a little fling before he leaves. and those thoughts are the ones that hurt the most, i think. the "maybe's" and "what if's." maybe what i said doesn't really make sense. but i guess that in some ways, can see how it is not the same. and how it hurts. no matter if it is just a meaningless thing done out of boredom or desire to fill a void, it still does. perhaps because you think that, if you were together, there would be no need for this. but you aren't, out of his choosing. and it will hurt no matter what anyone says. i just hope that you carry on as best you can and realize, Star, that you gave him so much and he reciprocated so little. and a Star needs more than just scraps. feel better. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
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