in love, but frustrated...

[crystalapixy]

hi everyone. i have never posted anything on a forum for help, but i have sought out for advice from friends and i would like to get a different perspective on my situation. i hope it doesn't sound like i am babbling, but i would like to give enough details so there isn't any confusion.

 

i am 24 years old and i have been in a relationship with my 31 year old boyfriend for nearly a year and half. we've always had a very strong attraction towards one another. in the beginning of our relationship we had the most incredible sex. it was absolutely mind-blowing. i know, i know, it was probably just the honeymoon phase and that is totally understandable. but things have wained dramatically in the last couple of months.

 

after one month of going out with him, he brought up me moving in with him. shortly after that he told me he wanted to marry me. i told him i wasn't ready. we'd have heated arguments over this and he'd tell me i didn't love him because i didn't want to give up my freedom to talk to my guy friends. (that was nonsense) ... the real reason was because i was having problems with my mom and i didn't want to cause a riff between me and my family.

 

soo, one year and month later, she moves away, and i tempoaraily needed a place to stay...(i had a place set up but it wasn't going to be ready for another 2 weeks) the moment this all goes down he suddenly decides he is no longer ready for me to move in. after a year of hearing him tell me that I was the one that wasn't ready, he turns around and says he can't do it. i don't know if he just couldn't handle it once it became real, or he was just begging me all that time because it was simply unattainable, but quite frankly, him showing his true colors has made me very hesitant once again to even think about living with him.

 

although, i do still love him, but now that my family is away and we do see each other more often, it seems as if he's lost interest. i don't understand why this is happening. i am not trying to brag, but i get hit on every single day. it used to bother me, but because of the lack of attention in my relationship i notice that it makes me feel sexier. i am in good shape and i take care of my body. i love to watch sports and i am very political. i have my own friends, i love to write and

i am open minded. i do not get jealous, in fact when there are other girls around, i will compliment them as well. i feel so bad all the time though, because he constantly rejects me. i have reached a point where i don't even try to have sex with him because i don't want to feel any rejection. when i try to tell him how i feel, he accuses me of only wanting to have sex, but that is not the deal. i want to feel loved and valued as a girlfriend. i have other things going on in my life and i feel that this isn't helping. a part of me wants to leave him, and we did take a short break but it still hasn't helped. i do not know what to do. i have tried leaving him alone and letting him come to me, but that makes him even more distant. he always has an excuse to not be close to me, whether it be he's too tired or has other things to do. and then when i do bring all these things up, HE gets upset and starts saying things like, "so you don't believe me when i tell you i love you..." and then it's his heart i have to mend. i tell him that actions speak louder than words and then he will have nothing to say. this is the same person who claims i am his soulmate and that he wants to marry me. i don't understand how someone can say things like that and then act the way he does.

 

ugh. sorry for the long story =P help. what should i do?

 

-lost in love.

[carrotgirl]

Crystal, You sound great! He sounds like turdy baby. To quote my dear Mum, Dump the dude.

 

Your steady has effectively taken you off the market and yet he rejects you? That's a real self-esteem killer after a while. And he's withholding sex? Another self-esteem killer.

 

A partner who says, I love you and I want to be together and then rejects you constantly is even worse than one who breaks up with you. Why not hang a little with some of the guys who hit on you and see if you like any of them?

 

Carrot

[carhill]

He's not into you anymore

 

Personally, I think timing bit the two of you. You got out of sync and lost it. That's a risk when things get intensely physical too fast. How long did you know him before making love with him?

 

I'd go NC and heal up for the next one and, if my instincts are correct, take it a bit slower....

[crystalapixy]

hi...i want to thank you both for your responses they are greatly appreciated...just to let you know, carhill, we knew each other for about a year before we made love. we were friends at work, but we never hung out outside of the job until we started talking more and more frequently on the computer. we IM'ed one another for a couple of months before we got involved. i do not honestly know what it could be. i am an independent person, and he was waaay more affectionate than i ever was, and then it all just changed

 

to carrotgirl: thank you for the compliment

 

and yes, his actions as of late have definitely been self esteem killers. it hurts. it really does. we did take a short break, but he and i both missed one another so much, we decided to get back together. i sometimes wonder if i should have taken more time off.

thank you for listening

[carhill]

Just so this old fart is on the same page, you knew each other for about a year (as in "in a relationship") before you made love? So, that means you've been physically intimate for about 6 months? And, one month after starting this relationship, but 11 months before making love, he wanted you to move in with him and/or marry him? Or, did you know each other for about a year (as in as work "friends") before you developed a relationship, and the sex started shortly after the "relationship" began?

 

What I'm trying to figure out is the timeline. I'm not trying to judge in any way. I've found pacing/timing in a relationship is critical and I'm a bit confused here.

 

Did he discuss any of his relationship history with you? If yes, did you see any signs of this in it? Has he ever asked anyone else to marry him? That's a pretty big deal for most guys (that I know anyway).

 

Most here would likely say "you've got lots of options, lose him" but, for some reason, and I'm pretty sure you know the above, you're here anyway. Where do you want this to go? How are you doing in your life right now?

 

Lastly, I'm curious...in the past, before the distance, did you find he anticipated you, almost eerily? Was very sensitive to your needs? Any comments on that area?

[crystalapixy]

sorry about all the confusion with the timeline )

 

he and i were coworkers. we knew each other since jan 2006. we started talking more and more and became very close around september 2006. (nothing sexual happened at this point whatsoever) we started officially seeing one another in november of 2006. after the 4th or 5th time we had sex, he told me he was in love with me. i am not saying his feelings are invalid, but it felt rushed. i did not say those words back to him so quickly, and he was okay with that. he claims that is the first time he has ever been in a relationship where the love was reciprocal. he had only been in love once before and that was when he was in high school. all his relationships in between, he claims he had never been in love, that there were serious feelings but he never used the phrase and didn't take it lightly. his ex girlfriend was in love with him, they were together for a year and a half, but he never told her he loved her, and never had plans of marrying her. he tells me that she wanted that, and that it was not at all what he wanted. it was a different case with me, because after about a month of being with him, he started talking about moving in together and marriage. does any of this help? )

 

oh, and what exactly do you mean by him anticipating me? in what sense? thank you so much )

[D-Lish]

I think that sex is an important part of a relationship... and that the witholding seems almost like a punishment. The declining to move in together also seems like a backlash for your previous reluctance.

 

I have been in a similar situation. I dated a guy with a very, very low sex drive. Could that be the case? My ex admitted to having a low sex drive... but it eventually affected my self esteem way to much to be rejected night after night.

 

I don't see things getting better in a situation like that. The distancing behaviour, the lack of sex... It doesn't sound as if you can remain in this relationship and be happy. If it's like this and it's been barely over a year- it's only going to get worse.

 

It sounds as if you could do better for yourself.

A relationship needs to be reciprocal- what are you getting out of it right now?

[xpaperxcutx]

I think your bf might have rushed into things a bit too fast in the beginning proclaiming his love for you and asking you to marry him. He seemed to love the thrill of the chase, going headfirst into that euphorism often related with the honeymoon phase. Now that its been more than a year, that feeling has died down. Does he seem more easily provoked than usual by the slightest things? He might be setting himself to get into a fight with you. Obviously that's not a good sign. He might be looking for an easy way out.

[crystalapixy]

i have never asked him if that was the case (low sex drive)...but i will though...i almost think that xpapercutx might be right about the fact that he loved the thrill of the chase, because it seems to be that when i am not available, that's exactly when he wants me. i do not like playing games though. i'm tired of that and i don't feel a relationship should be about silly games. dlish, you are right about a relationship needing to be reciprocal. i feel that it's not. i love him very much, but i don't know how much i can really handle. sometimes it feels like we're just best friends that sleep in the same bed a few days out of the week. as for being easily provoked, he actually doesn't ever start a fight. it's rare. i am always the one bringing up things, but never in a confrontational way. i think, if anything, he tries to avoid any type of "talk" it makes him really uncomfortable. he has problems opening up. the last time we had a talk, he was crying for nearly an hour.

 

thank you all for your input i wish you all the best of luck in your relationships as well.

[sedona]

My bf (soon to be ex) withholds not only sex, but any physical contact. It happened gradually, so that I hardly noticed at first. But then one day I brought it up -- I thought that we could talk about it and fix things. Nope. Do you know what he actually told me? He said that the first period of a relationship is an incubation period, where two people figure out what they want. I was just too impatient, he said. He also says that he has problems being "intimate". Makes it sound like it just "happened". Well, he had a choice. And we were "intimate" quite a lot, so he must have gotten something out of it. He has made me feel almost like a pervert because I long for physical touch and yes, sex. He never once tried to even hug me because he knew that I wanted closeness. If strangers had seen us together, they never would have guessed that we were a couple. He even kept his distance sitting next to me.

 

I also changed the way I was with him, felt self-concious, and never reached out for him. He said 1) that he's never been great at intiating sex and 2) when I tried to initiate, he would lie there passively until I gave up. At one point, he finally told me that he didn't like when women initated. So there was no way to win. That was the last time I tried anything. I put up with it because I love him and because what we had together had been so great. How could he not feel that too?

 

Withholding sex is incredibly hurtful weapon. It made me crazy with wondering what was wrong with me. The problem is him. Same goes for your bf, I would imagine.

Edited March 1, 2008 by sedona

[carhill]

oh, and what exactly do you mean by him anticipating me? in what sense? thank you so much )

 

I'll give you an example. I was posting here about an hour ago, something about commitment bla,bla, and my mind said "it's Saturday morning, she's on her way to Virginia, she's going to call from the airport". Before I finished the post, my cell phone rang and it was her (a longtime female friend with whom I have a close connection emotionally). Her calling didn't surprise me, nor was it a function of a pattern of behavior for her.

 

Did your boyfriend do "weird" things like that, like he knew your thoughts? That's what I meant. It is not "normal" IMO, but does happen. It's a sign of a personality and nervous system type that, unless one understands themselves well, can lead to exactly what you're perceiving. He could be sensing his relationship with you in a completely opposite way, or, for lack of better verbiage, "too much". I see a lot of this type of behavior by myself in my marriage and in past relationships. It has/had nothing to do with others, rather with me. Therapy and reading books on the subject has made tremendous inroads.

 

Yes, the guy may just be weird or a jerk but I wanted to present an alternative view.

 

As I posted in another thread, when I don't feel emotionally close to my wife (I feel like she has "pushed me away" emotionally), I don't feel sexual with her, even though I still have a normal sexual libido. I can have sex with her, but it's like she's miles away, distant. My instinct is that she is just satisfying her own needs and I'm really irrelevant. I'm still working on getting a straight answer from her on that in therapy. Lots of layers to the emotional onion

 

Anyway, in a dating situation, lots of fish in the sea. This guy can figure out his issues on his own, just like I've had to over my life. It's not your job

[crystalapixy]

he doesn't withhold all physical contact. it's weird, because when we are outside, in the public he seems to be much more affectionate. as soon as we are behind closed doors, things seem to change. i wonder if that's his strange way of being possessive? but our sex life is almost non existent. we used to have sex at LEAST 2 or 3 times a day. not that i am expecting anywhere near that much, but in the last couple of months that just disappeared. now, if and when we do have sex, i feel so sad and empty and a part of me almost feels like i am not really there. it hurts me so much, because what we used to share was so beautiful. i know i deserve better but i can't seem to change how i feel. i'd feel like i would be losing one of my best friends.

 

sedona- i do understand how you feel about feeling like a pervert. i've often wondered if something was wrong with me? but i don't believe there is anything wrong with wanting to feel loved and valued. it is agonizing. it's not just about the sex, it's his attitude towards being loving and reassuring.

 

thank you all.

[carhill]

My armchair psychological take is he is "putting on" in public, ala "keeping up appearances".

 

You're young and it's normal in a new relationship to be very sexual. Your bodies are at their peak Over time, a blend of sex, affection and intimacy will develop that is unique to your relationship. Good communication is imperative, along with respect for each other's desires.

 

Personally, in this case, I think things happened too fast. Nobody's "fault", but I think you'd have to completely "re-invent" the relationship to get your pacing back in sync.

 

I'm an old fart and I still have trouble with relationship pacing and my expectations, even with close friendships (not intimates). Part of the human condition, I guess

[crystalapixy]

hi everyone. it's been awhile since i have been on, so i figured i should update anyone who cares to know about my situation.

 

soo, i went on his computer and was downloading music, and guess what i find? pictures of his cock. not one, not two, but many! and in the same folder, there are pictures of girls in sexy poses (both nude and in their underwear) that look like me! they look exactly like me, and these are real people. most of the pictures looked like webcam photos. so he's probably been talking to these girls online. what a moron. as soon as i found them, i confronted him and told him i could no longer see him and he started crying. i told him i wanted to talk about it, but he said he couldn't and wanted to wait. so i waited. the next day he comes out tells me that HE can no longer see me, because i am suffocating him and he feels trapped in the relationship, mind you, a week before he says all these things he writes me a really touchy email saying he loves me and wants to give me all the love and happiness i deserve. wow, how did i fall for that horsesh*t?!

 

i feel like such a fool, i am sad, but i lost someone who i thought i loved. i didn't know who he really was i guess. i can only take this for what it is and move on.

 

whats even worse, is that after he said he supposedly feels trapped, he tells me that he thinks i talk too much about a particular mutual friend of ours. he says i must be interested in him if i talk about him so much. i can't believe he tried to turn the tables on me like that! i told him he was pathetic for doing it. i know he did it because he feels guilty. i told him it's not right that he use OUR good friend to deflect his guilt and bruised ego, so he can seem like the innocent one in the situation.

 

and then he cries for about an hour. i couldn't tell if it was guilt, or because he knew what he was really losing.

 

what an a**hole. sorry about the language. i just can't believe i wasted my time with such a jerk.

 

thank you all for listening. i guess i know why now he was not interested in me. he was too busy wacking off to b*tches online. girls that looked like me. how creepy.