Ex-girlfriend in a rebound relationship

[tonyeltiger]

This is a very long story, but I will try to summarize as well as possible. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for 4 years. I always loved her completely. There were a couple of times when things got hard and we took a break for about a week. We always returned to each other though. About 3 months ago she said that she needed a break, and indeed I felt that we probably could use one. It's not that I was unhappy, but we both kind of took each other for granted I think, and the love just didn't feel as strong as it once was. We did not contact each other much at all. Maybe 3 short calls over 2 months. We both went out and hung out with our friends. (We go to separate colleges about an hour and a half away from each other). After 2 months apart, I realized that I did not want to be without her any longer. I set up a date to talk to her and told her how I felt. She unfortunately said that she did not want to get back together with me. She did emphasize that she didn't know how she would feel about me in the future, but that as of now, although she loves me, she says that she feels lke it is more of a "Best-friend" type of love.

I said I understood, and we went our separate ways. After a week I tried to call her to chat, something I thought friends did. She ignored my calls. I called no more than once a day for like 4 days, and then finally wrote her an e-mail saying that I understood and that I would not try to contact her any longer.

It had been about 3 days since I wrote that e-mail and she writes me an e-mail. It said that she couldn't talk to me because she says she knows that I have feelings for her that are stronger-than-just-friends. She says that until my feelings for her subside, she won't feel comfortable talking to me. She also confessed (as I could plainly tell earlier) that she had begun seeing a new guy. The thing that had bothered me about our breakup was that I knew she was seeing this guy so soon after our break up. Also, a big reason she said she didn't want to get back together with me was that she needed time alone to "find herself" without another person in her life. Now evidently her feelings have changed and is dating this guy. I checked his myspace and he and I are very similar. We share a lot of the same interests, and I feel like she is dating him because he is like me, but just conveniently lives in the same town. I wrote her an e-mail thanking her for being honest with me and that we should see if other people make us happy if that is what your heart tells you to do.

I have decided to go NC but still worry. I love this girl with all my heart and can really see myself spending the rest of my life with her. She stressed throughout our breakup that there really are no hard-feelings, and (besides this rebound guy) I feel the same. She also stressed that we may one day be able to get back together, but for now, we are moving apart.

Since it has only been a month since our breakup, I can only suspect that this guy is a tool she is using to feel good about herself and stroke her ego a bit. I do however worry that he simply reminds me a lot of myself and fear that he will be an ok replacement for me. I realize that if this is the case she is kind of vain, but I truly hope that we can be together one day.

Although there is no way of any of you knowing, can you speculate as to what the chances are of her missing me during this rebound guy? Possible tips on how to stay in her good graces? Or possibly help her miss me and ditch the new guy? Probably impossible to answer I know, but I just love her so much. Keep in mind that I feel that NC is the best, because that will respect her wishes. But I do want to be with her in the future. Thanks!

 

PS: how long does the average rebound relationship last anyways? (I know that it is possible this guy could end up being "the one", but she's only known him for a couple months, and is only dating him at the moment, so I can't help but feel that she will be comparing him to me a lot)

[LakesideDream]

Rebound relationships are what usually happens in relationships between young folks.

 

I wouldn't give up hope until a fair amount of time has passed. I understand that a month or two seems like a very long time. It really isn't. Patience is important.

 

Contact her again in a few months, she may be bored and ready to re-evaluate her situation.

[tonyeltiger]

Her birthday is on May 13th. I was thinking of maybe calling her around then. I wonder....should I call at all if she is still in that relationship? It may remind her she loves me, but it might also tick her off that I am not respecting her new relationship.... I think that NC may be the best bet, especially if she is still dating the same guy. I'm so confused!

[g1976b]

tony,

 

Man can I empathize. I'm in EXACTLY the same situation as you are right now, with the only difference being that we were living together.

 

I got the same excuses: she loves me but needs "space", needs to "find herself", might want to be together in 6 months or a year, etc. She also wants to remain friends, but I'm trying to be realistic in that I know I still love her and want to be with her. I wouldn't be a good friends seeing her out with other guys.

 

We've been apart for just over a month and she's already dating. I don't get it. Is it a rebound? Maybe. True love? Could develop into it, I suppose. I'm very hurt by the way she's handling things, but part of me hopes we can get through this and give it another shot in 6 months or so.

 

Here's hoping that both of our situations are about immaturity and rebounds!

[vivrantflo]

I got the same excuses: she loves me but needs "space", needs to "find herself", might want to be together in 6 months or a year, etc.

 

 

This is crazy.. I'm sure we're all from different locations, but it's insane that women use the SAME line to guys they want to get rid of.. it's frustrating.. Needing space? Finding yourself??? what is that?? ugh!!

 

Seriously women... come up with something more original... hell.. im sure we'd rather hear the honest truth.. that you don't want us anymore, and you want to start shagging another dude.. at least we'd be able to move on quicker.

[atc2410]

Tony you can speculate whether she misses you while with her rebound but that's all it will be. She's ended your relationship causing you distress and hurt, she's with a new guy and she's requested you not contact her. And yet still you accommodate her. I'm not criticising, I understand exactly what it is to love someone despite these circumstances. You've articulated what an amazingly thoughtful person you are. At this time your ex does not deserve you being this nice to her. If possible channel this energy towards yourself or better yet someone who will reciprocate what you have to offer (be that friend, family or romance).

[tonyeltiger]

Ugggggghhhh, I gotta stop looking at myspace/facebook. I just saw a picture of my ex with her new guy ice-skating. I know they are just dating and it's not serious, but it just hurts so bad to give someone 4 years of your life and just be swept away and replaced in an instant. I never in a million years thought that she would be capable of this. Even a few months before we broke up I remember her saying "If we ever broke up I will probably just live the rest of my life alone and die a lonely old lady". Now, I cannot help but despise her. But also love her so damn much. It's ridiculous. Then I look at myspace and her status says "I'm sooooo happy". Good for you. *insert insane cursing* Nothing else on Earth can possibly hurt this much

[BrianG]

Trust me I understand the pain. Ex gf and I were together for 5 years so I understand what your going through. Yes, it is the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. However, looking at her/his myspace is only making it harder on yourself and causing you even more pain. I know its hard having someone in your life for so long and wanting to know what they are up to, but you need to promise yourself not to look at her page. Break-ups like this are hard enough, so why inflict even more pain on yourself by seeing what she is up to. Stay away is my thoughts.