Do men use the "Friend Zone"?

[Uncertain123]

Just wondering........

 

I hear all this talk about a so-called "Friend Zone" that women apparently use on men. As a woman in her late 20s, this is all news to me.......gosh, I've referred to men I had crushes on as a "friend" initially thinking this was a way of increasing our intimacy! I never realized men were reading this as some global sign that they've been "friend zoned."

 

So I admit, these theories are not universal. But I'm just curious -- in general, is there a friend zone that men stick women in? If so, who gets placed in the male friend zone? Do they ever stick women there that they are attracted to???

 

BTW, I'd like to hear general answers, but if anyone is wondering why I'm specifically asking, it's because I've been flirting up a storm with a guy for a few months now...we see each other in a professional capacity......he clearly looks forward to seeing me and saves all sorts of stuff to tell me about. He even gave me a gift at the holidays, which was totally unnecessary and he didn't give anything to anyone else. We clearly have an intimacy between us, but as more time goes by and he doesn't make a move, I'm beginning to suspect the intimacy is a "Friend" type. I'm definitely in his league looks-wise, I'm 7 years younger, have no baggage and I'm actually economically better off than him (but I'm completely humble about that so I doubt he's threatened). Could it be because we clicked so much socially and have such a great professional/friendly relationship, that he doesn't want to screw that up???? And, taking this more generally, do you think men really do value friendships with women and sometimes when they find one that's really adding a lot of enrichment to their lives, they don't want to mess it up by making some clumsy move romantically?

[Green]

To answer your questions, men don't worry about being in some made up friend zone, so if you call a guy a friend you're interested in its not bad or what ever. Its the term being stuck in the friend zone, thats where a guy wants to date a chick he became friends with but she isn't attracted to him in that way and only thinks of him as a friend. Its a typicaly punishing position to be in because women will usualy complain about who ever they are dating to the guy in the friend zone and say things like "why can't I just find a guy like you"... A hilariouse movie about the friend zone is "Just Friends". If you like this guy you should give him a hint...

[Uncertain123]

I've tried to give him hints. I admit, I probably err on the side of discretion because I have been hurt before. So when we are around each other, he is the one that behaves more smitten -- he loves to tease me, he shows off, he will do anything to make me crack a smile or laugh -- he looks me up and down, compliments me, etc., and all the stories he tells me are very clearly intended to impress me. It's funny, because there are whole days where I can tell he is trying to convey one specific point about himself to me -- one day he was going out of his way to show that he is well educated, so he told me a whole string of stories about all the books he's read, his intellectual interests, and then he outright told me he went to college (he is in the arts, so college is not necessarily a given in his career). Other days, he is trying to share deeper things, and will tell me about very significant and even sad things which happened in his life. He is very much an open book with me, and this is definitely not consistent with his reputation as a private person -- he told me his salary even though he knows it's much lower than mine (he was talking about filing his tax return, and just told me all the numbers), and he tells me all about the mundane or even embarrassing things that happen (like tickets, forgetting to do something important), etc. I definitely haven't reciprocated equally on this front -- he has shared probably 5 times as much personal information as I've shared with him.

 

I try to be as flirtatious as I can be, and share as much as I can, but I know I am probably not as open as he is. So basically I try to show my interest by being very sweet to him -- when he was sick, I brought him a bad of cough drops and sent him an e-mail the next day to find out if he was feeling better. I made him a bunch of CD's of music. I am also a very good listener to him, I take a very active interest in the things he tells me, and I definitely laugh at all his jokes. (-:

 

But sometimes, with as much information as he shares with me, and given that he hasn't asked me out yet, it does feel like I've been "Friend Zoned." Ugh, maybe eventually he'll start talking to me about other women.............argh.

[Green]

I don't what to tell you. He is either really shy to make a move or just doesn't think of you romanticaly. If you want to take a big risk, you could be a man about this and ask him out and take the offense on the first kiss

[norajane]

Maybe he has a girlfriend, but just enjoys flirting with you at work because it makes him feel good?

 

I think guys might put a woman in the 'friends zone' if they aren't attracted to her, or if they already have a girlfriend/wife. Otherwise, no.

[45Reverse]

I've tried to give him hints. I admit, I probably err on the side of discretion because I have been hurt before. So when we are around each other, he is the one that behaves more smitten -- he loves to tease me, he shows off, he will do anything to make me crack a smile or laugh -- he looks me up and down, compliments me, etc., and all the stories he tells me are very clearly intended to impress me. It's funny, because there are whole days where I can tell he is trying to convey one specific point about himself to me -- one day he was going out of his way to show that he is well educated, so he told me a whole string of stories about all the books he's read, his intellectual interests, and then he outright told me he went to college (he is in the arts, so college is not necessarily a given in his career). Other days, he is trying to share deeper things, and will tell me about very significant and even sad things which happened in his life. He is very much an open book with me, and this is definitely not consistent with his reputation as a private person -- he told me his salary even though he knows it's much lower than mine (he was talking about filing his tax return, and just told me all the numbers), and he tells me all about the mundane or even embarrassing things that happen (like tickets, forgetting to do something important), etc. I definitely haven't reciprocated equally on this front -- he has shared probably 5 times as much personal information as I've shared with him.

 

I try to be as flirtatious as I can be, and share as much as I can, but I know I am probably not as open as he is. So basically I try to show my interest by being very sweet to him -- when he was sick, I brought him a bad of cough drops and sent him an e-mail the next day to find out if he was feeling better. I made him a bunch of CD's of music. I am also a very good listener to him, I take a very active interest in the things he tells me, and I definitely laugh at all his jokes. (-:

 

But sometimes, with as much information as he shares with me, and given that he hasn't asked me out yet, it does feel like I've been "Friend Zoned." Ugh, maybe eventually he'll start talking to me about other women.............argh.

 

 

Yes...guys have a "freind zone". BTW- Guys usually refer to this concept as the "ladder theory"...As in "I am on the "F--k ladder" or the "Friend ladder".

 

Why don't you just go up to him one day when you got him in a one-on-one moment and ask him if he's ever thought about dateing you?

 

Guy secret- (you can thank me later) - MOST guys are totally turned on by a woman whose willing to show some initiative in this area.

[Angels&Airwaves]

I’ve befriended a girl I liked once as I thought it was an easier way to get into a relationship needless to say it didn’t work, I used to think that forging a friendship with the girl you like would be the best way to forge a relationship and in fact I have discovered it’s the worst possible move you can make when wanting to get with someone.

 

As for the guy, it looks like he sees you as a friend, but who knows he might have deeper feelings for you. For example, I’m incredibly shy, I am quite quiet around people, unless I’ve known them for a long time, or have no interest in them as a lover, whatsoever, so I’m unlikely going to give off the impression I am fond of someone even if I work with them, befriend them or socialise with them.

 

I have a phobia of making a fool of myself in front of women, my lack of confidence, self-esteem and shyness make it painfully difficult for me to pluck up the courage to make the first move on a person and I guess any girl that likes me or liked me will feel the same way as you do.

 

To answer your question, I’d rather have a friendship than risk it for something more and mess things up, especially if it’s a close friendship.

[Trimmer]

Is the nature of your professional relationship something that would cause him to back off or go slow, even if he is attracted to you, like something that might be perceived as a conflict of interest (if you are in a buyer/vendor relationship) or an unadvisable 'company romance' if you work for the same employer? You didn't go into much detail, but might this be part of the dynamic?

[Uncertain123]

Yes, the nature of our relationship is probably a big source of his hesitation, but it isn't anywhere near as significant of an obstacle as other professional relationships. He is serving in a teaching capacity, for a hobby activity, and works with me one on one a few days per week. Obviously, this creates an awkward dynamic, but in his field his professional obligations primarily run to the talented kids he works with -- not the occassional adult dabbler such as myself. I seriously doubt he would hold back permanently because of the nature of our relationship, but it would definitely be a reason to move slowly.

 

I tend to be a pretty good judge of peoples' feelings, and I am 99.9% sure he has romantic feelings. But it seems to ebb and flow. Things will build up and get hot and heavy for a while, and I feel like he should "strike while the iron is hot" any day now, and then he will pull back and cool off for a while. Then the cycle repeats again. But as months go by, even his cool off period has a high level of interpersonal intimacy, because we've reached a point where we already communicate on such a personal level. So I guess sometimes it feels like a friendship, then other times it feels like a sibling dynamic because of all his teasing and playfulness.

 

But ultimately, I do feel like a sexual attraction was the root of everything that developed here, because it evolved quickly (within a few weeks of us first working together), and it's in stark contrast to the personality he is known for professionally. He has always been known to be very private, and very serious. The activity we do lends itself to running conversations the whole hour, but he is known for being gruff and a man of few words. In fact, his few other adult women students (several of whom are quite attractive, young and single) have worked with him for a long time and know absolutely nothing about his life because he's so stern with them. Just to drive the point home -- the only way I even know about this contrast is because about 6 weeks ago I was confronted by another of the adult students, who informed me that the whole club was gossiping about us and assuming we were already an item based on how he treats me. I denied everything, but it definitely boosted my confidence about his feelings.

 

Of course, here I am 6 weeks later and still no date..........aaargh.

[carhill]

Ask him out, go to dinner and suck his lips like a Hoover when you drop him off. He'll get the message.

 

Back when I was young and shy, I would've responded quite positively to such actions. Nothing like a little encouragement to get things started

[Vampirlequin]

I've been accused of putting girls in the "friend zone" when I had a strong romantic interest, and did many similar things. Very flirtatious, and very obviously trying to get somewhere, but where as the girl always expected me to be the one to break that final barrier, I have a lot of trouble doing that. Every relationship I've ever had, the girl was the one that had to make the final leap. It's a horrible failing on my part.

[LikesMeNot]

I think guys might put a woman in the 'friends zone' if they aren't attracted to her, or if they already have a girlfriend/wife. Otherwise, no.

That's right. When I get to know a girl, if I don't feel chemistry, or I am not interested in her, I'll put her in my friends zone. If you feel you like him enough, and think he's somewhat interested, then ask him out. Being good friends, i really don't think rejection is going to destroy your friendship.

[monkey00]

There's a girl I get along with at work at an intellectual level and we're very similar in that way. Although we haven't done so, I can see myself hanging out with her on a platonic level outside of work but not see myself being involved with her romantically.

 

She's cute but honestly she's not my type. So yes it's very possible to friends zone a girl.

[xpaperxcutx]

This topic got me thinking. Normally a guy thinks he has no chance when he's been "friendzoned". So when a guy friends zones a girl, would that same logic apply, that the girl has no chances with the guy?

[Trimmer]

This topic got me thinking. Normally a guy thinks he has no chance when he's been "friendzoned". So when a guy friends zones a girl, would that same logic apply, that the girl has no chances with the guy?

I'm going to take a guess here (informed somewhat by my own opinion, of course) and say that the boundaries around a man's "friend zone" are probably somewhat more porus than those around the classic woman's "friend zone."

 

Maybe that's because a man's friend zone is probably mostly a sexual barrier (and therefore, in the words of the immortal Dr. Peter Venkman, "actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...") where a woman's friend zone is more of a relationship barrier.

[BudgieSmuggler]

Maybe that's because a man's friend zone is probably mostly a sexual barrier (and therefore, in the words of the immortal Dr. Peter Venkman, "actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...") where a woman's friend zone is more of a relationship barrier.

 

Couldn't agree with this statement more

[Nintenja]

I'm about to use it on someone actually, but that's because I have someone else in mind, and I'm not the type to start drama. The girl I like right now doesn't really like me talking with other girls too much I can tell just by her looking, so I need to get the girl that likes me to stop sending me these freaking messages, she's just a friend to me.