My marriage is disintegrating; husband turning into more of a freak by the day

[husbandfromhell]

I guess I have to break down my life like everyone else like some kind of premise to this sham of a relationship.

Well, I have been married for 5 years; two kids.

My husband will not have sex with me often. He instead leads a very deviant sexual lifestyle full of fetishes, porn, computer etc. When he's angry, sometimes the truth comes out. I'm a little overweight, plus I'm not as "tight" as I used to be before having our children.

The reason for this posting is because I am too mortified to EVER discuss this with ANYONE close. It's embarrassing not only to me, but to my husband. The whole situation makes me look like a real leper too. Afterall, my hubby will **** ANYTHING but me. really broke the last straw when I found one of the newest sex toys he purchased. It was hidden in a box in the closet; a vibrating pussy. Just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, he also had a blonde wig stuffed away that I guess he dresses the pussy with???? WTF?? And I was wondering lately if he was having an affair but i see that is not probable as of late as he his time consumed with a plastic pussy he probably mounts in the closet somewhere or wherever else he can hide his shameful and sick secrets.

I don't know how to approach this situation without ALIENATING him even more, so I have refrained from even bringing this latest revelation of mine up yet. Anyone who can share similar situations they've had with their stupid husbands, I'd love to hear it as this whole situation is really starting to make me think that my husband has a few screws loose. I've NEVER experienced anything like this before nor heard of it!!!!!! Our sex life was pretty dull to say the least.. nothing remotely stellar and oral sex was never on the menu either. So is this MY FAULT!!!???? or is my husband insane??

Edited February 25, 2008 by husbandfromhell

[amaysngrace]

Our sex life was pretty dull to say the least.. nothing remotely stellar and oral sex was never on the menu either. So is this MY FAULT!!!???? or is my husband insane??

 

Your husband is normal. You are making way too much out of his fantasies. Seriously have you ever checked out porn? It's not a damnation to Hell as you make it sound to be.

 

You should look at it once in a while. It won't kill you. It may even turn you on. You sound to me like you really need to lighten up. He isn't having an affair. He's respecting you in that way. He's human though. And he has sexual needs like most of us do.

 

If you don't want to please him that is your business. But please don't complain that he takes out his sexual fantasies on inanimate objects when he isn't having his sexual needs met by you.

 

I'm not trying to bash you. I'm just trying to help you see outside the box. Clearly being more open-minded would be doing yourself a favor.

[sally4sara]

Who started losing interest in sex first? Was it him and did he say it was your weight issue? Or was it you because you are self conscious of your weight?

Not as tight after childbirth -what? You have muscles in there, use them because it makes it better for you too.

 

Porn isn't, by itself, a problem. If he truly was the one who lost interest in sex first and it was because he was using porn to excess; that is when it becomes a problem. The fake vagina is a little weird in that I can't imagine any guy really preferring it to the real thing, but hey it's not like I can use one to know the difference. Now I have heard of a problem some guys develop that keeps them from being able to get off the normal way. Some guys first learn about masturbation and friction by "humping" the floor and the friction and face down position ends up making it too desensitized to get off normally. It is called TMS - Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome. If the fake vagina has a vibrating effect and/or and unrealistically small opening, I would think it could lead to this dysfunction as well. Maybe if you look up some facts about it, print them out and leave them on top of the fake vagina, you can approach the subject silently and let him decide for himself if he might be causing his dissatisfaction with the real thing instead of approaching him in a way that might make him feel attacked or humiliated. He will know you found his new toy, he will know that you have concerns, but he won't have to face you till he is ready.

Edited February 25, 2008 by sally4sara

[Walk]

My exH used to beat off to pregnant chicks. At the time, it mortified me... but that fetish is really tame.

 

So, have you asked your hubby if he wants to try a golden shower? Embrace the wild and dirty side.

 

Actually, to me it seems as if you hubby has a full and active fantasy life, and is hiding it because he doesn't feel you would accept that part of him. (sounds as if he's correct in that thinking) And the deeper he feels he needs to hide it, the kinkier and more fetish it'll get.

 

I don't think you did anything inheriently wrong in your love life. But I'd like to know if you actively pursue new and various sexual situations with your husband, or if he's normally the one to initiate sex?

[Lovelybird]

Hi, watching porn isn't healthy, the peope who watch porn often can become addicted to them and develop some distaste desire toward sex. I think it is good to confront your husband about porn issue, but with non condemning tone. If you don't confront this issue, then probably you won't achieve intimacy with your hb in a long term sense, especially when you pretend it is ok, or just ignore it

 

First maybe it is good to understand something why men hooked to porn, then seek steps to deal with it.

 

Here I quote some article discribe why porn is such a bad idea for a healthy marriage.

 

 

Fortunately, not every man becomes addicted. Although the potential's there, most men resist. For many men the exposure to that blatant immorality is distasteful. They recognize it cheapens the actors involved, women in general, and the men who drool over the images.

 

......

All these factors make an occasional flight into "soft porn" fantasy an unacceptable choice. Even if both marriage partners find an occasional adult video erotic and exciting, the cost is simply too great.

 

Shamed

The more control men give pornography over their time, energy, and thought-life, the more devastating is their shame. The downward spiral tends to become reinforcing: The guy feels ashamed, inadequate, and stressed out, and he seeks release through pornography and masturbation, then he feels lousy that he's given in again to the obsessive-compulsive behavior, and his shame is reinforced. In time he may even desire to be punished, so his guilt and shame become the chosen punishment. Wretched!

maybe your husband's anger is related to porn addiction, and he cannot fight over it

 

Adam had deep-seated insecurities that drove him to perform in order to be successful. Now 40-something, he was facing those typical mid-life transition issues of decreasing energy, increasing awareness of his mortality, disillusionment about his abilities, and emotional detachment. He became steadily more depressed and wanted to withdraw. He also needed reassurance of his potency as a male.

 

What can a wife do?

 

Self-concept for women is often a fragile thing. It's as fragile as that other mysterious thing called the male ego. If a woman discovers her husband's into pornography, it's virtually impossible for her to believe his addiction has little to do with her. She feels she's to blame. If only I'd stuck to my diet and lost that weight, she laments. If only I'd colored my hair after all, if only …

 

Interspersed with those thoughts are the ones of anger: That jerk! I can't believe he'd throw away all we've worked for!

 

Sexual sin can be such a wound to a woman's soul that it's easy for her to react immediately with disgust and distrust. But if she could control her indignation long enough, she may see that her first reaction of anger may not always be the wisest. It can make a bad situation worse. Through my years counseling couples, I've had the chance to see several different responses—some destructive and some redemptive.

 

useful steps:

 

* Pray. And keep praying. Ask God to work in your husband's heart, convicting and healing. While you're powerless to make your husband change, God is all-powerful. You can depend on him to handle your feelings and your husband's behavior.

 

* Seek outside help. Go to your pastor or a Christian counselor who can help you understand your husband's actions and how you can respond. Or contact Enough Is Enough, an organization that fights pornography, at [email protected],[email protected], http://www.enough.org/www.

 

* Work as a team. Recognize that you and your husband are on the same side and attack this problem as such. That will reinforce to your husband that your relationship is a safe place.

 

*Try "tough love." Draw a boundary for his behavior—one you both agree on. Gently but firmly inform him of the consequences if he steps over the boundary.

 

 

here is the link the silimar articles written about this issue

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/003/10.54.html

Edited February 28, 2008 by Lovelybird

[Anna Comnena]

I am one of the most sexually liberal people. (Sex toys, porn.. i'm ok with most of it in most situations).

 

but when I read this post, my

instincts told me to tell you to Pack up your kids and go home.

 

 

If he really made the comment to you about how "Tight you are.... " with out you bringing it up first....

 

It's Absuive and Degrading. You should not stand for ANYONE speaking to you in that manner EVER! A REAL MAN would not speak to the MOTHER of his children in that manner. Period. (not to mention no one speak to you if they actually love & respected you)

 

This is absolutely outrageous. I'm always amazing how much Sh*t some women will put up with. If anyone DARE speak to me like that, they'd be spending the night in the hospital, I promise you.

 

If you decide to stay, please realize... YOU ARE teaching your daughtors to find a man just like him....and/or, you're teaching your sons to be just like him.

 

God, you make me feel so lucky. Get the hell out of there. Living off of welfare will at least leave you with dignity.

[Anna Comnena]

Hi, watching porn isn't healthy, the peope who watch porn often can become addicted to them and develop some distaste desire toward sex. I think it is good to confront your husband about porn issue, but with non condemning tone. If you don't confront this issue, then probably you won't achieve intimacy with your hb in a long term sense, especially when you pretend it is ok, or just ignore it

 

 

 

 

 

here is the link the silimar articles written about this issue

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/003/10.54.html

 

 

I hate breaking up marraiges.. read my other posts, they're always anti-breaking up marriages for stupid reasons..

 

THIS ISN'T A STUPID REASON, THIS IS REALLY HORRIBLE.

 

GAH, I despise such things..

SHE CAN'T FIX HIM, HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR HER.

 

Get your head out of the sand.

[Enema]

You seem far more concerned with how he's getting off than why you guys are no longer having sex.

 

IMO, he's doing nothing wrong.

 

If my wife were fat, I would tell her to lose the weight or leave her... you should be grateful your man is pursuing alternatives to separation.

[CorvetteKitten]

try reading The Sex Starved Wife or The Sex Starved Marriage

[TechDude]

My husband will not have sex with me often. He instead leads a very deviant sexual lifestyle full of fetishes, porn, computer etc.

 

This might be a bit out of left field .... but if you can bring youself to do it, do a little research into key lockable male chasity devices. Play up to his deviant side. Once it is on and locked, hide the key. Tell him it gets unlocked when you say so. If he plays up, yells or abuses you to try and get the key, tell him that it will cost him additional days without release.

 

The whole idea might even appeal to him based on what you are telling us about him.

 

After a few weeks of continuous use, he might start to becoms a bit more compliant.

 

But, as I said, it is a bit left field and you might not be comfortable with this. Give it some thought though.

[blair08]

I made a post earlier about some top reasons why people might be in sexless marriages. Check those out and see if some apply to you and your situation. Then maybe suggest some marriage counseling to you hubby and see if things can be saved.

[angie2443]

I am one of the most sexually liberal people. (Sex toys, porn.. i'm ok with most of it in most situations).

 

but when I read this post, my

instincts told me to tell you to Pack up your kids and go home.

 

 

If he really made the comment to you about how "Tight you are.... " with out you bringing it up first....

 

It's Absuive and Degrading. You should not stand for ANYONE speaking to you in that manner EVER! A REAL MAN would not speak to the MOTHER of his children in that manner. Period. (not to mention no one speak to you if they actually love & respected you)

 

This is absolutely outrageous. I'm always amazing how much Sh*t some women will put up with. If anyone DARE speak to me like that, they'd be spending the night in the hospital, I promise you.

 

If you decide to stay, please realize... YOU ARE teaching your daughtors to find a man just like him....and/or, you're teaching your sons to be just like him.

 

God, you make me feel so lucky. Get the hell out of there. Living off of welfare will at least leave you with dignity.

 

I couldn't have said it better!

[Mustang Sally]

. . . . . . .

 

So is this MY FAULT!!!???? or is my husband insane??

Hmmm.

 

I don't find anything in your post that makes me think your husband is insane. Just my opinion, based on what you have described thus far.

 

It does sound like you have some pretty strong feelings about what you are ok with and what you aren't ok with, as far as sex goes. It's a good thing to know one's own personal sexual boundaries. BUT. If you have a list of "No can do's" as far as sex goes, and your H wants or does several things on that list...well, then, Houston, we have a problem. No?

 

Clearly, you two are going to have to discuss what's going on in your relationship - sex-wise, and otherwise. You'll never get anywhere without good, honest communication. I would just encourage you, before you enter into a discussion about this with your H, to try to open you mind a bit and stop seeing him as "stupid" or "from hell". Now, I'm not saying that you necessarily have to change your ideas on what are sexual dealbreakers for you and what are not - everyone is entitled to have their own feelings on that, and have those feelings respected. But if you can't give him a bit more of the benefit of the doubt before having a conversation with him, it likely won't be a productive endeavor. Capiche? You sound hurt and as if you are feeling betrayed. You will need to try to put those feelings somewhat aside in order to hear what he has to say.

 

Did you two communicate openly about your sexuality/wants/desires/fantasies/turn-ons before you were married, or at any time previously in your relationship?

[Mustang Sally]

Oh.

One more comment.

I find it amusing whenever guys make comments about the "tight" business.

 

Makes me go .

 

Sounds like he was trying to provoke you with that one.

JMO.