Am I just being silly??

[poisongirl]

I've been reading through a lot of the different threads on this forum for quite some time but decided to register as I really need some advice.

 

I've been with my bf for almost 5 months, I'm 19 and he's 22. Things between us are going great but there is one thing that is really bothering me. He told me that about a year ago he got really drunk at some bar and ended up sleeping with a 30 year old woman, well things didn't end there..apparently he started developing feelings for her and they carried on having sex for a few weeks. I'm not sure how things ended but he did say that he was sad when it did.

 

He has mentioned a few times how great she is and how they see each other occasionally and how they have the same sense of humour etc.. this brings us to the problem. Last friday there was some lantern festival going on but I couldn't go as I was working. I was staying over at his place at the time so he told me he was just going to go for a few hours with a friend and meet up with me after work. He didnt mention it was going to be her until I saw his inbox and figured it must be her as there were quite a few emails from her. On a positive note he did tell me it was her when I asked him who he was going with...

 

It really bothered me, she's a 30 year old who is a lot more experienced and more confident then I am. I hate the idea of them being together. I did talk to him about this but he didnt understand and told me that I should meet her. Is it wrong of me to not want to meet her at all? I just can't imagine it going well...I'm already jealous as they seem to share a lot of things in common. I also don't know how I would react knowing that they slept together, that would definitely be uncomfortable for me.

 

I wouldn't stop him from seeing her though (no matter how much I might want to) I'm just really not comfortable with the idea of them being together. I know this comes down to my insecurities but can you really blame me? I feel really intimidated by this girl (or should I say woman) and I haven't even met her.

 

I once mentioned to him that they seemed perfect for one another ( this was after he was telling me about how much fun they have together) it was a silly thing to say but I really just wanted to see his reaction but he never said anything. I dont know what to think, do you guys think I'm just overthinking everything?

[angie2443]

You are not being silly and this isn't about you being insecure! If you both are truely commited to this relationship, then it would be a good idea to have some bounderies in place. IMO, it is not a good idea to be hanging out at night with someone you once had feelings for if you are now with someone else. We are all human, things can happen if we put ourselves in the right situation for them to happen. This is important to keep in mind, not just for this woman, but for any woman he might befriend in the future.

 

On a differant note, you both are very young. I don't know how serious your relationship is, but it might be a good idea if you waited a while before you settled down. Give yourself time to growup and experience more of what life has to offer. In a few years, you'll be more confident and have a better understanding of what is acceptable to you and what is not in a relationship.

[poisongirl]

Thanks so much for your reply. I agree with everything you said...I know we're quite young but our relationship has become pretty serious. You said exactly what I was thinking, even though I don't think anything is going on between them there is always that possibility. Like you said; anything can happen if you put yourself in the right situation.

 

I guess it will take me a while until I'm confident about setting boundaries in a relationship, I dont want to come across as being unreasonable. I've given this a lot of thought and I'm still unsure as to what I should do. I know he does see her from time to time and I'm definitely not okay with it but I can't really tell him to never see her as they are good friends.

So confused..

[angie2443]

Glad to help!

 

You can't stop him from sieng her, but you can tell him exactly how you feel. You can tell him that he is putting himself in a situation where something might happen. It is very important in a relationship to be able to express your concerns to your partner, and then, have your partner respect those concerns. If you keep things bottled up, resentment will build and will harm the relationship.

 

By the way, give the confidence thing some time. It will keep growing.

 

Good Luck:)

[dominic]

Short version: you are definitely not overthinking.

 

Long version:

Well, I will share my personal experience with you:

 

back when I was 18 I somehow got involved with a married woman who was 10 yrs older than me (crazy, I know...). Anyway, this woman was basically able to dominate the whole relationship as she was way more experienced (generally speaking not only sexually) than me; I was basically her little pet and there was nothing I could do about it.

This situation went on for around 5 (five!) years, at which time I was finally able to stand up and decide to put an end to the ridiculous situation.

 

Sometime later I found a new gf (around my age) and things were soo much better; the other woman would occasionally call me from time to time, just to keep in touch, but I was (almost) able to never see her...

 

3 yrs later, as soon as she found out I broke with my gf first thing she wanted was to meet and hang out and remember the old times... ; I politely declined.

 

Some time later I got involved with another gf (now my wife) and after around 3 weeks together I told her the situation and basically she gave me an ultimatum: "either you call this woman, right now, and tell her to stop bothering you, or we are done". Well, I did call her and told her to leave me alone, that I had found a great woman with whom I wanted to share the rest of my life and that she wasn't really helping. She got extremely mad at me, but stopped calling/texting me for good. I cannot express how free I felt after I did that. It had been 10 long years.

 

Older (30-40) women have a really, really big power on sub-25 males: they know so much in comparison that the male often times doesn't have a chance. If you add the fact that sometimes these women are one of the first sexual experiences these guys have... that just makes thing worse.

 

Long story short, from somebody who was there: she has a *lot* of power over your bf. Be very careful. I know how it feels on the other side.

From your post, I understand it was the woman that ended the relationship (he, your bf, was sad). Obviously it was here that decided to "hung out" again.

Oh, and in my case, the woman also offered to go out the three of us together, so my gf could get to know her... right... I know it was just a tactic to lower the gf's guard.

 

Best of lucks!

[poisongirl]

Angie- Thanks, the next time I see him I do plan on telling him exactly how I feel. He knows I'm not happy about the situation but we never really spoke about it much. I don't really see how it's going to help though, I dont think he will stop seeing her and I'm not sure he will see my concerns but its worth a try.

 

dominic- Thank so much for sharing, your situation sounded really tricky but I'm glad that it all worked out in the end and you are now free of this woman. I'm also worried that she may have some sort of hold over him and he may not realise it. Just out of interest, you said that she offered for your gf to meet her...did that ever happen?

 

I just could not imagine meeting this woman, if I saw that they were close it would just break my heart. Also I thought I would add that she was not his first sexual partner but he has always gone for woman older then him. He, however was my first partner so you can see how much more attached to him I am... I know you said for me to be careful but I really dont know how to deal with this situation. It just seems so difficult. Thanks again for the insight!

[dominic]

Sure poisongirl, glad to share my experience.

 

Regarding my gf meeting her: this woman suggested the idea but I knew my gf would never accept and so I never suggested it; just like me, my gf would see right trough the excuse of "all being friends and trust each other"... right...

 

I totally understand your bf interest for older women, it's a very common trait among young guys; this situation however is affecting you, so I think you should make your point clear to him. I have however some doubts that he'll completely understand, the flesh is weak. It surely took me a long time to realize it.

 

Out of curiosity, if your bf had to choose between this woman's friendship and your love, what do you think he'd choose?

If this woman suggested him to have sex again, what do you think he'd answer?

Obviously nobody here can tell you exactly what to do, only you know the entire situation, the above are just some insights for you to think about.

 

Angie advise seems truly good

 

Best of lucks!

[angie2443]

Poisongirl, did you talk to your boyfriend yet? What did he say?

[poisongirl]

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while I've been very busy.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do now. I told him the day before I saw him that we needed to talk about it and he said that was fine. When the actual day arrived though it never actually happened..I'm quite frustrated with myself.

 

A part of the reason I never said anything was due to someones advise...basically they told me that I should just trust him and that if I ask him not to see her it will just push him away. I guess I just decided that I could deal with it even though I wasn't happy about it.

 

To answer your questions Dominic, I'm not sure who he would choose. He has known her for almost 2 years and known me for only 5 months. From what he says they are very close friends. As to if he would have sex with her again..I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. The thing is given the right circumstances it could easily happen as they have been there before. When I say the 'right circumstances' I mean if he were to get drunk or if we were to have a fight etc..

 

I just did something I'm not proud of, he left his emails open again on his laptop and I just couldn't resist. There were a few from her (though it seemed as though it was mainly him emailing her) I was a little sad by what I saw.

 

I was staying at his place for 2 days as I hadn't seen him for a week or so. He had a new flatmate moving in on the Saturday (whilst I was still there) I offered to leave early so that he could get acquainted with her and he said I should leave at 4 as he had an assignment to do as well. I was fine with this. However, looking at the emails..he asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with him and finish off eating at some pizza place on that Saturday. I don't know what to think now. He knows I don't like him seeing her so hes doing it behind my back?

 

I'm at a loss as to what to think or do, I know I've screwed this up by not talking to him about it when I said I would...

 

Do you guys think I should just leave the situation alone and hope for the best? The last thing I want is to look like a fool for not realizing if something was going on..though I know there is no way to know for sure.

[Phateless]

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think you're not in trouble yet. His idea to have you meet her is a good sign, not a bad one. You should meet her and size her up for yourself. Tell him that it weirds you out knowing that he hangs out with someone he's slept with before. You have your head on straight about this, you're trying to not be insecure, which is good.

 

Just trust your intuition, that's all I can say. She might be trouble and she might be harmless. We really don't know from here...

 

edit - I personally, am 100% capable of hanging out with someone I've slept with/dated and NOT sleeping with them. It's not that complicated, really... One of my good friends is an ex fwb who is now a friend with no benefits.

 

If I were this guy, I would want to know your feelings (in a calm, non-freaked out way) and just have you meet her, and assure you that nothing would happen because *I* don't want it to. If you trust him, it should be fine. We're all adults here.

 

double edit - haha i must have ADD today - the other thing is that MY FRIEND would respect my relationship. If she knew I was taken, no matter how drunk we both were, and no matter how strong I came onto her, she would say NO. I know this because of the kind of person she is, (and the kind of people I choose for my friends.)

 

To your original question, no, you're not being silly at all. Actually, you're being very mature and level-headed about this whole thing, ESPECIALLY considering your age, lol. I know people twice your age who act like morons in this situation. Just read some of the posts around here... You're just trying to figure out how to react to this. Totally normal.

 

Just meet her and make friends with her, don't be threatened, and tell him that you trust him but you're a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out alone considering the history. If you feel like he's hiding it from you, that's cause to start to worry.

 

If something happens between them, next him.

Edited March 14, 2008 by Phateless

[angie2443]

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while I've been very busy.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do now. I told him the day before I saw him that we needed to talk about it and he said that was fine. When the actual day arrived though it never actually happened..I'm quite frustrated with myself.

 

A part of the reason I never said anything was due to someones advise...basically they told me that I should just trust him and that if I ask him not to see her it will just push him away. I guess I just decided that I could deal with it even though I wasn't happy about it.

 

To answer your questions Dominic, I'm not sure who he would choose. He has known her for almost 2 years and known me for only 5 months. From what he says they are very close friends. As to if he would have sex with her again..I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. The thing is given the right circumstances it could easily happen as they have been there before. When I say the 'right circumstances' I mean if he were to get drunk or if we were to have a fight etc..

 

I just did something I'm not proud of, he left his emails open again on his laptop and I just couldn't resist. There were a few from her (though it seemed as though it was mainly him emailing her) I was a little sad by what I saw.

 

I was staying at his place for 2 days as I hadn't seen him for a week or so. He had a new flatmate moving in on the Saturday (whilst I was still there) I offered to leave early so that he could get acquainted with her and he said I should leave at 4 as he had an assignment to do as well. I was fine with this. However, looking at the emails..he asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with him and finish off eating at some pizza place on that Saturday. I don't know what to think now. He knows I don't like him seeing her so hes doing it behind my back?

 

I'm at a loss as to what to think or do, I know I've screwed this up by not talking to him about it when I said I would...

 

Do you guys think I should just leave the situation alone and hope for the best? The last thing I want is to look like a fool for not realizing if something was going on..though I know there is no way to know for sure.

 

 

If I'm understanding this right, he told you to leave at 4:00 on saturday because he needed to finish an assignment, but instead speant the time with her and wasn't going to tell you?

 

It just feels funny to me. I don't want to judge your boyfriend because he is so young (and you are even younger!) and people that age often aren't settled yet. At the same time, you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself.

 

I wouldn't just sit back and "hope for the best". I'd have that talk with him about his friend. Listen to your gut when you guys do talk about her. If he respects you, listens to you and agrees to set bounderies that you are confortable with, then I wouldn't be so worried. If, on the other hand, he becomes defensive and calls you "jealous" or "insecure", then I might start preparing an exit plan.

 

Good luck and keep us posted:)

[poisongirl]

Phateless- thanks for the advice. I guess for me I just could not imagine how people could hang out with previous sexual partners and feel NOTHING. Then again it's probably because he's the first person I've been with so it feels so special to me...I don't know.

 

I know that I should meet her but call me immature...I just don't want to. I know that I'm going to feel threatened and totally crushed if they seem to share this special bond that me and my bf don't have just yet. I think the main thing that bothers me is the fact that shes so much older. It really intimidates me...as if being young and trying to figure out your place in the world wasn't bad enough, now I have to find a way to deal with this 30 year old woman who is confident and WAY more experienced in life then I am.

 

With all that being said, I do trust him..it's just her that I don't trust and I doubt that meeting her will change that.

 

Angie- Well in the emails they had plans on that Saturday for dinner and a walk. He never mentioned this to me and I was texting him during the time he was supposedly with her. Thing is I have no way of knowing for sure if he went or not..but I think he did.

 

I think I really do need to talk to him about it because it's stressing me out. I'm even dreaming about him cheating on me with other girls, I have to sort this out. I'm at his place now and he should be home in about 2ish hours, I will talk to him then. I'm going to tell him that I'm not comfortable with them hanging out all alone but I know he's going to mention that I should meet her. The thought is not appealing...

[Phateless]

I can totally understand that. If they're going on date type activities together, that's over the line. It would be just as easy for them to get lunch and catch up. Unfortunately, you meeting her might be necessary to see what your gut tells you about them together. Also, how he acts around you when she's around will probably tell you a lot. Yeah it'll be awkward, but it'll give your intuition a chance to kick in.

 

Hang in there girlie, keep us updated.

[Replicant]

I wouldn't stop him from seeing her though (no matter how much I might want to) I'm just really not comfortable with the idea of them being together. I know this comes down to my insecurities but can you really blame me? I feel really intimidated by this girl (or should I say woman) and I haven't even met her.

 

I once mentioned to him that they seemed perfect for one another ( this was after he was telling me about how much fun they have together) it was a silly thing to say but I really just wanted to see his reaction but he never said anything. I dont know what to think, do you guys think I'm just overthinking everything?

 

I understand that you are young, and your take on relationships is flaky at best. But that doesn't say that you don't know what you yourself would consider right and wrong. Considering this *is* your boyfriend it seems foolish to me you would be alright with him going off with another woman regardless of age and experience. Let alone supporting him in this matter, so of course he is going to continue to do it and be open about it because you completely allow it.

 

Time you went to self confidence boot camp, day one starts with ridding yourself of your two bit loser boyfriend (you're not gaining anything from trash like that) and from there on out working on your own confidence not remaining with someone whom resembles a cancer whom is slowly draining it away from you.

[poisongirl]

Hi guys

 

Well I did speak to him and it started off alright, he was listening and very open to what I had to say. He tried reassuring me by telling me that there is nothing between them and that they're just good friends. I told him that I still wasn't comfortable with them hanging out alone, especially doing 'date-type' things.

 

We weren't seeing eye to eye, he didn't understand what the problem was and I was getting frustrated because I couldn't get him to see how I was feeling. After a while he got angry at me because he thought that I was making a big deal out of nothing...I got emotional and we didn't talk for 20 minutes. He came up to me after that and said that if it bothered me this much then he would stop seeing her and stop contacting her. I felt slightly guilty about this...we talked about it for a while and we both agreed it would be the best thing to do. We had a few conditions though, I said that he wasn't allowed to use this against me in the future and that he mustn't agree to it if he feels resentment towards me. He agreed and said that if he was to do this I musn't bring it up again. I agreed.

 

He told me he will email her tonight and tell her the situation. I am trusting that he will in fact do this. I'm going to be slightly cautious though and try and protect myself as best I can but I do believe that he will keep to his promise.

 

This was our first proper fight but I'm glad that I finally got my feelings out in the open...thank you guys sooo much, you have no idea how much you've helped. I took all your advice into consideration, it was just great to have some people to 'talk' to about this.

 

Replicant- I do agree with you about the self confidence thing, it's definitely something I need to work on. I'm not exactly sure how but I'm sure it will come in time. As for letting my boyfriend go, things have been great between us before this all came up...not that I'm saying I'm not going to be careful (cause I am) I just think that our relationship does have potential.

 

Phateless- Thanks:) I would have forced myself to meet her if that was the only option but I'm very glad that I don't have to. I hate being such an emotional wreck at the best of times. I wouldnt have such a problem with the whole situation if it wasn't for her age..thats the thing that bugged me the most.

[Phateless]

You're welcome! I'm glad we could help.

[poisongirl]

I thought this situation was all sorted out. Turns out that I was wrong... He told me that he was not going to have anymore contact with her (whether it was via email or actually seeing her) HE offered to do this. I never told him to. I took him up on his offer and all seemed fine.

 

I was at his place and he decided to go shopping for some food whilst I looked up some stuff for university on his laptop. He has websites that he visits frequently along the top toolbar and by accident I clicked on his gmail account (as I had several pages open) I was going to close it when I realised what I did but I saw emails that he was sending her just the day before when over a week ago he said that he wouldn't.

 

I was so hurt, I was shaking...I started crying because I didn't know what else to do. He had lied to me. I had nobody to talk to and I knew that I had to confront him and I HATE confrontation (I'm very shy)

 

Well he got back and I he knew that something was wrong, I told him and he got slightly angry at me saying that he never agreed to NO contact, only that he wouldn't see her. Which is BS and he later admitted that he did offer not to contact her and that he thought he could have both of us. He also revealed that they actually had a dinner planned for next week and that he wasnt going to go anymore.

 

I'm still shocked that he lied to me because I trusted him when he said he wouldn't contact her anymore. I wasn't going to let him off the hook so easily..he left and went for a walk, he came back at 1 in the morning and apologized saying that he had thought about it from my point of view and how it must have looked. He asked me for another chance to put things right and that he would email her saying that he is severing all ties with her.

 

I want to trust that he's going to do it. I told him that he isn't getting anymore chances when it comes to this woman...thing is my faith in him has wavered a bit. There is no way for me to actually know if he has told her or if he even sees her as he lives in his own aparment in the city. Grr, hopefully this is the last you guys will hear of this...

[Phateless]

ooooh, ok, looks like you have your answer... i forget, do you guys live together? If I were you I would tell him you need some time to think, and go stay with your parents for a few days.

 

This guy could just as easily have told you that he was just friends with this girl and he would try to play it a little straighter. There was no reason to volunteer to cut off all contact and then lie about it. I don't trust him anymore.

[poisongirl]

No, we don't live together. I just spend some nights over at his place when I have work. It's easier then going all the way home as it's really close to where he stays.

 

He did tell me that they were just friends but when I saw how close their relationship was he could see how uncomfortable I was with it. It caused arguments so he offered to not contact her anymore saying that he would choose me over her.

 

I have told him that I don't trust him as much anymore and he says he wants to try and regain that trust but I'm not sure how he can...how am I to know if he did it? I doubt that he would show me the email telling her he can't talk to her..would it be wrong of me to ask to see it or do I just trust that he has?

[Phateless]

I would say that you need a new plan. Hang out with her in a group situation so you can have a chance to get to know her. If they really are JUST FRIENDS he should have no problem with that. Quite frankly I don't think you should trust him anymore. If there was nothing going on there would be no reason to hide it. I know because I've been in his position before.

[poisongirl]

I never thought of that...I will take that into consideration. Thing is he told me that he DID tell her that he can't see her anymore so if I do meet her she's probably going to see me as some insecure little girl who's trying to be controlling...I don't know maybe I'm overthinking it.

 

Now that this has happened, I don't trust him anymore like I did. All the little things that I chose to overlook have come back. He told me a week ago that he would show me the conversation that he had with her telling her that there was to be no contact but I said that he didn't have to. It just dawned on me that if he did show me it it would be pretty clear that he never told her about NO contact at all...as he told her that they could not see each other but emailing was fine. This leads me to think that he might not have told her at all. Why offer to show me their conversation if he knows he didnt tell her EVERYTHING he was meant to? I'm guessing he knew that I would decline seeing it?

 

I just feel like this is never ending. I hate to keep bringing up this topic with him because he either gets angry or looks exasperated but to me it's not over yet. I thought it was until he lied to me, now I feel like I need proof that he's done it but I'm not sure if thats reasonable or not..what do you think?

[pureinheart]

Hi PG....

 

If I may ask why you lack confidence? In reading this thread, you are well worded and intelligent (also the responses are excellent too, you all have a lot of class).....

 

I understand that the past relationship he had with her is intimidating and the age....she possibly has a few more years of knowledge on how to manipulate more effectively.

 

This might help....in my younger years most of the men I was with were younger than me (I have never looked my age until more recently)....and quess what gf....I was intimidated by the younger girls....ha....she is mostlikely intimidated by YOU....turn the tables gf....you have the upper hand!

[Phateless]

To me, this didn't get weird until he volunteered to sever contact and then didn't. That just doesn't make sense to me at all...

[angie2443]

Glad you posted again, Poisongirl! I was thinking about you.

 

Honestly, I would just end it with your boyfriend. He is disrespecting you and,IMO, at least emotionally cheating on you. I hope I don't sound too harsh. I still think much of his behavior is due to his age and not bieng settled down. However, regardless of the reason, he is hurting you and right now, because of confidence issues, (IMO) you are vulnerable. Iv'e been there, and believe me, the more experience you gain in life, the more confidence you will gain. You sound intelligent and thoughtful in your post, so I do think you will and grow from this experience. Just protect yourself right now.

[angie2443]

I was in a hurry with my last post and wanted to add a couple of things.

 

The reason I feel that he disrespects you is because of the lying. He told you he ended things and he kept up contact with her. Worse, he had a dinner planned with her. Going out to dinner is date like behavior. He obviously has feelings with her that go beyond "just friends". IMO, if he respected you, he would at least be up front about this.

 

I also wanted to add, please don't be worried about this woman's age or personality. She could be any age. She could be experienced, but maybe not. The issue is the respect that your boyfriend has for you and your relationship, and he seems to be lacking here.

 

Oh, and please don't be fooled by your boyfriend feeling fine about you hanging out with him and this woman. Plenty of wandering partners and the people they are becomming intimant with are fine with the unsuspecting boy/girlfriend hanging out with them. It makes them feel less guilty and makes them "appear" more innocent.