Am I just being silly??

[Phateless]

I agree with Angie. As soon as you break up with this dude and are out of the situation, you will realize all of a sudden "why the hell was i thinking of putting up with this?"

[AAlike]

just wanted to drop another $.02 and say that I completely agree with Phate and Angie. If he loved you he would respect your feelings and not just say what it took to pacify you.

 

In another note - it sure is amazing how many attempts at discreet contact and/or cheating is foiled by technology these days! it seems like 50% of these threads involve someone leaving an e-mail window open, reading a text or checking a call log. you kids have it so good, back in my day we had to star 69 people to catch a cheater! imagine back in the rotary phone days!

[Phateless]

I never snoop. I don't know if I would. No matter how bad things got with my ex I never snooped. I had her email password and could just as easily have gone through her phone but always chose not to. I didn't want to cross that line...

[poisongirl]

Hi there again guys, thanks so much for all the advice and support...I have no idea what I would do without it. I've been so emotional these last few days...

 

Thought I would update you. He sent her an email saying that he was not able to contact her anymore (I know this because he sent me a copy so I could see what he wrote) She replied via msn...which he pasted into the email as well so I could see how she responded. Before I go on to say what she said I found out that he has lied to me two more times. He said that he saw her earlier this month and they went for a walk (he told he he hadn't seen her in 3 months) and turns out he lied about their relationship. He told me that they had a casual sexual relationship that went on for a few weeks and that he thought he had started developing feelings for her. He now says that that isn't true...that it was just a one night stand. His reasoning behind this lie was that he didn't want to come across as not having had any sort of relationship before me.

 

Now, on to what she said. Basically she said I was rude...and inconsiderate of his friendships and that she couldn't "believe someone would do that" She also said that the only reason she wasnt saying more nasty things about me was because I was young and probably insecure. Then guess what?? He started agreeing with her..he said that what she said really put things in perspective for him. What hurts is that he didn't even bother defending me..she doesn't know how many times he's lied. She just thinks that this was a decision I made out of the blue...she doesn't know what I have been through. This has been going on now for a little over a month!

 

After saying these horrible things about me (and I'll admit, they hurt!) she suggested to him that I meet her..like that's going to happen. It won't make any difference to me now, why put myself in such an akward position...inviting them to gang up on me and make me feel silly for feeling what I feel. He told her that he would organize my meeting her....without even asking me first!

 

I could burst into tears right now, I just feel as though what she says matters more then I what I have to say. All it takes is her to say a few harsh words about me and suddenly..things are in perspective?

 

I am so sick of this and so upset:(

[poisongirl]

Well I just sent him an email explaining all of what I've basically said here. He replied via text saying that her and I are not in competition and it is for this reason that he refuses to choose between us..he wants "peaceful co-existance" and that he is no longer trying to "appease both of us"

 

He said that he didn't think he'd have to choose between us...but surely him emailing her telling her that he can't email her anymore is basically choosing me?

 

I need your help so bad:( Does he even care?

[Phateless]

I think this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion and if you could calm down and meet her as a normal person/friend of his, it might all work out. Who knows, maybe she'll decide she likes you and friend-zone him?

 

On the flipside, he's setting it up so that you're the bad guy and if things go awry with you two he can easily go back to her. That even fits in with why he volunteered to sever contact with her. So he can tell her you demanded it to make you look like the bad guy. Well played...

 

I do think that if you can clear your head and be confident and yourself, if you meet her you can size up whether they are just friends or if there's something going on... give your intuition a chance to kick in.

 

The lying and sneaking around is ridiculous, tho. You were willing to let them be normal friends in the first place, and I think you should have met her in the beginning.

 

If this crap continues, I say you leave him.

[poisongirl]

I get what you're saying. I'm just angry because of all the lies he's told...and the fact that she doesn't know that he told these lies so she thinks I'm being unreasonable. She doesn't know that he told me they had a 'relationship'...when all they really had was a one night stand.

 

I dont know if I can meet her after all that she said. She was rude and I'm surprised at what an affect her words had on him. He did a total 360 after talking to her.

 

He said that he knows where he stands and that I have to make my choice, he isn't going to break contact with her...so basically I now have to decide if we carry on or not.

 

I totally agree that this has been blown way out of proportion, it was his lying that got it to this point. Thing is, if I say i'm fine with them seeing each other that would mean that he never got 'punished' (for lack of a better word) for his lying. It would just be ignored and surely something has to be done about that?...why am I the one that has to make the huge decision when I did nothing wrong?

 

I just feel like he's choosing her over me, she's the only one that doesn't lose in this situation.

[Phateless]

Well she's operating on misinformation so don't worry about it. Consciously or unconsciously, he set this all up. I do guarantee you one thing... any time you guys have a fight he's gonna run straight to her. I hear what you're saying about letting the lies slide. I would be pissed too. I guess it comes down to you having to make a choice. How bad do you want to try to hang onto this guy and WHY after all this? I guarantee you can get someone better. I say let him go, he sounds like a dumbass anyway.

[poisongirl]

I've been giving that a lot of thought. I'm very attached to him, he's the first guy I've slept with and I really do love him. We got on really well before all of this came up. I'd just hate to end something that might have turned out to be something great.

 

I want to give everything another try but I dont know how to stop the resentment, of dealing with knowing that he would risk losing me (who he called 'the one') over this woman. I'm starting to question how much he loves me.

 

Yet again, I dont know what to do. I want to be with him that much I do know but this is just one huge mess. He's waiting for me to tell him if we're still together or not. In the end NOTHING was achieved, I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

[Phateless]

He's waiting for you to tell him? What the hell is that? He should want you to stay together. It sounds like he doesn't care. I say you move on, get some perspective, and who knows, maybe later on you guys can reconnect.

[poisongirl]

Yea thats what I told him and he replied saying that it's my choice as to whether I want to stay with him. Which I suppose is true but he does leave me feeling like he doesn't care either way.

 

The way I see it, he lied and did wrong..he should be begging me to stay with him or at least be concerned but I guess it's hard to tell via text.

 

meh I'm confused

[angie2443]

Hi there again guys, thanks so much for all the advice and support...I have no idea what I would do without it. I've been so emotional these last few days...

 

Thought I would update you. He sent her an email saying that he was not able to contact her anymore (I know this because he sent me a copy so I could see what he wrote) She replied via msn...which he pasted into the email as well so I could see how she responded. Before I go on to say what she said I found out that he has lied to me two more times. He said that he saw her earlier this month and they went for a walk (he told he he hadn't seen her in 3 months) and turns out he lied about their relationship. He told me that they had a casual sexual relationship that went on for a few weeks and that he thought he had started developing feelings for her. He now says that that isn't true...that it was just a one night stand. His reasoning behind this lie was that he didn't want to come across as not having had any sort of relationship before me.

 

Now, on to what she said. Basically she said I was rude...and inconsiderate of his friendships and that she couldn't "believe someone would do that" She also said that the only reason she wasnt saying more nasty things about me was because I was young and probably insecure. Then guess what?? He started agreeing with her..he said that what she said really put things in perspective for him. What hurts is that he didn't even bother defending me..she doesn't know how many times he's lied. She just thinks that this was a decision I made out of the blue...she doesn't know what I have been through. This has been going on now for a little over a month!

 

After saying these horrible things about me (and I'll admit, they hurt!) she suggested to him that I meet her..like that's going to happen. It won't make any difference to me now, why put myself in such an akward position...inviting them to gang up on me and make me feel silly for feeling what I feel. He told her that he would organize my meeting her....without even asking me first! "

 

 

 

Poisongirl, please, let this guy go!

 

There are some huge red flags here. The lying, obviously. The fact that he defended her, not you. When you enter into a serious, commited relationship, you need to be the most important person to your partner. This means that your partner needs to value, support, and defend you above everyone else. Your boyfriend has, in a sense, put his "friend" on the same level as you. He values her more because he defended her, not you. This relationship will never work with her in it, and he doesn't value you enough to end his "friendship" with her.

 

I know that ending a relationship hurts. I've been there. It isn't going to be easy. If you do decide to end it, and I hope you do, then make sure you have people to confide in and who will support you. You can always come here for support.

 

Good luck!

[angie2443]

I've been giving that a lot of thought. I'm very attached to him, he's the first guy I've slept with and I really do love him. We got on really well before all of this came up. I'd just hate to end something that might have turned out to be something great.

 

I want to give everything another try but I dont know how to stop the resentment, of dealing with knowing that he would risk losing me (who he called 'the one') over this woman. I'm starting to question how much he loves me.

 

Yet again, I dont know what to do. I want to be with him that much I do know but this is just one huge mess. He's waiting for me to tell him if we're still together or not. In the end NOTHING was achieved, I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

 

I get what you're saying. I'm just angry because of all the lies he's told...and the fact that she doesn't know that he told these lies so she thinks I'm being unreasonable. She doesn't know that he told me they had a 'relationship'...when all they really had was a one night stand.

 

I dont know if I can meet her after all that she said. She was rude and I'm surprised at what an affect her words had on him. He did a total 360 after talking to her.

 

He said that he knows where he stands and that I have to make my choice, he isn't going to break contact with her...so basically I now have to decide if we carry on or not.

 

I totally agree that this has been blown way out of proportion, it was his lying that got it to this point. Thing is, if I say i'm fine with them seeing each other that would mean that he never got 'punished' (for lack of a better word) for his lying. It would just be ignored and surely something has to be done about that?...why am I the one that has to make the huge decision when I did nothing wrong?

 

I just feel like he's choosing her over me, she's the only one that doesn't lose in this situation.

 

 

He made his choice, he chose her. This is really started to feel like a two against one situation, and you are the one standing alone.

 

If you do make the decision to hang out with them, they will work as a team to make you think their friendship is harmless. The fact that he lied about it and chose her over you proves that it is not.

 

Look, I do think that opposit sex friendships are fine, but they have to be kept at a certain distance. This "friendship" crossed that line and the chance is slim to none that this can be repaired.

 

I understand that he is your first, and that in itself is always going to gaurentee him a special place in your heart.

 

You said "I'd just hate to end something that might have turned out to be something great". I think what you have here is a dream of what your relationship could be, versus the reality. We often build fantisies around the person we are with, and when they do something to damage that fantasy, it's hard to let go of it and see the reality. I'm not saying this is what you are doing. It's something to think about though.

[KarmaSutra]

This has been blown way out of proportion. Are you sheeple content to accept anything?

 

This bf slept with the Cougar a year ago. Months before he ever fell facefirst between your legs and you harbor ill feelings why?

 

Have you come clean with myriad of different sperm who've slimed thier way down your throat or is that too much reality for HIM to deal with?

 

You people talk about a double standard, here's the worst one.

[nicki]

Yeah, but she's not hanging out with any exes and using them to make him feel insecure.

 

What he is doing is wrong, for all the reasons everyone else has stated. I know you love him. I understand how hard it is to leave when there is still a spark of hope that things could be great....maybe you should start hoping for something new, or someone new. Not all things grow in all soils. Squash your hope for this guy. He doesn't seem to have good character or he would have corrected his behavior already.

 

This is what we have, here. He is enjoying the ego stroke that comes from two women basically fighting over him. You want him, and she wants him. If she were only a friend, she would back off so he could have peace with you.

 

But she doesn't do that because she is a competetive man stealer. If a guy can be stolen away, then you don't want him anymore. First boundary line.

 

If a guy can't pick you as the one he is most loyal to, which means defending and choosing above all other women, then you don't want him anymore. Another boundary line.

 

If a guy cares so little about your feelings that he continues a friendshhip which is over the line and causes you distress, then you don't want him anymore.

 

If a guy lies to you to protect his selfish behavior, then you don't want him anymore.

 

Boundaries are something you learn with time. I'm still learning them myself. The most important thing I have learned that it's fine if a guy wants to continue with some behavior I don't like, but it will come at a cost...and I'll tell them what their continued behavior will cause to happen with me, whether it's distance or lack of intimacy, or me just plain walking away.

 

You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can let them know how you feel, what you interpret their behavior to mean, and what you want to happen, but they must do their part....and if they can't, then, thank you for that information so I can do what I need to do to feel good and whole.

 

For instance, try saying something like "Okay, you know how I feel about this situation. If you want to continue to hang out with her, that's your choice, but I don't think I can be in a relationship where I feel insecure and uncomfortable. I want to be the most important person in your life. I want honesty and trust. Those are basic things for any good relationship. Without those things I would only distance myself from you."

 

Then see what he says. A guy who really wants to be with you will try to please YOU. A cake eater will do what your guy is doing. He wants you both. The whole business of him waiting for YOU to tell him if you want to stay is so very passive....he should be actively showing you that he can be the man you want him to be....

 

Never settle for less than being number 1 in someone's life. That's what you give, and that's what someone should give to you.

 

I predict there will be many more men in your life. You are smart and very well-spoken. Never stay with a guy who makes you feel insecure. You deserve more, and you shall have it.

 

Let us know how it's going!

[poisongirl]

Angie- I really do feel like I'm standing all alone, I told him this. I'm the only one fighting for this relationship while he sits back..the only thing he is fighting for is his friendship with her. He's made it clear that she isn't going anywhere and that we are both "vital" so I'm unsure what to do.

 

Nicki- Thank you SO much for your post, you put all of my thoughts into words. It's amazing. He has admitted before that he lied because he wanted to keep both of us.

 

I am so sick of this situation, I feel sick to my stomach and the past two days have seen me burst into tears at odd times. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm on the verge of just letting him see her, I have no more fight in me. No matter what I say, he has something to say back.

 

That being said, we are meeting up later to talk face to face. I have no idea how it's going to go because I still don't know what to do but I will keep you guys updated.

[Phateless]

This has been blown way out of proportion. Are you sheeple content to accept anything?

 

This bf slept with the Cougar a year ago. Months before he ever fell facefirst between your legs and you harbor ill feelings why?

 

Have you come clean with myriad of different sperm who've slimed thier way down your throat or is that too much reality for HIM to deal with?

 

You people talk about a double standard, here's the worst one.

 

Read the thread big guy...

[Phateless]

Just stopping by to wish you good luck girlie. This whole thing sucks. I vote for moving on. I know you've invested a lot in this guy but it's time to admit you were wrong about him and let him go.

[poisongirl]

Thanks Phateless:)

 

Well we talked..well to be honest I let him do most of the talking because I felt like I deserved an apology etc. I told him that I didn't want to be the only one compromising in this situation when I've done nothing wrong. He said he understood and asked if it would be alright if he just emailed her and never saw her. I said that I could accept that but he needed to earn my trust back.

 

He did seem REALLY sorry, I've never seen him that upset before. I'm aware that giving us another chance may be a mistake in the long-run but I feel like I have to try. I'm not exactly sure how he is going to get my trust back but I'm hoping that's possible and I'm also hoping that this is the last of this situation.

 

Thank you so much for all your advice, you guys have helped so much. I especially want to thank Angie and Phateless who have kept on posting since the beginning:)

[angie2443]

Thanks Phateless:)

 

Well we talked..well to be honest I let him do most of the talking because I felt like I deserved an apology etc. I told him that I didn't want to be the only one compromising in this situation when I've done nothing wrong. He said he understood and asked if it would be alright if he just emailed her and never saw her. I said that I could accept that but he needed to earn my trust back.

 

He did seem REALLY sorry, I've never seen him that upset before. I'm aware that giving us another chance may be a mistake in the long-run but I feel like I have to try. I'm not exactly sure how he is going to get my trust back but I'm hoping that's possible and I'm also hoping that this is the last of this situation.

 

Thank you so much for all your advice, you guys have helped so much. I especially want to thank Angie and Phateless who have kept on posting since the beginning:)

 

 

Your welcome!

 

I hope everything works out for you guys and that your boyfriend has realized the mistakes he was making. Keep working on the confidance, and, remember Nicki's post. It made a lot of excellant points.

 

Good luck!

[twice_shy]

I've been reading through a lot of the different threads on this forum for quite some time but decided to register as I really need some advice.

 

I've been with my bf for almost 5 months, I'm 19 and he's 22. Things between us are going great but there is one thing that is really bothering me. He told me that about a year ago he got really drunk at some bar and ended up sleeping with a 30 year old woman, well things didn't end there..apparently he started developing feelings for her and they carried on having sex for a few weeks. I'm not sure how things ended but he did say that he was sad when it did.

 

He has mentioned a few times how great she is and how they see each other occasionally and how they have the same sense of humour etc.. this brings us to the problem. Last friday there was some lantern festival going on but I couldn't go as I was working. I was staying over at his place at the time so he told me he was just going to go for a few hours with a friend and meet up with me after work. He didnt mention it was going to be her until I saw his inbox and figured it must be her as there were quite a few emails from her. On a positive note he did tell me it was her when I asked him who he was going with...

 

It really bothered me, she's a 30 year old who is a lot more experienced and more confident then I am. I hate the idea of them being together. I did talk to him about this but he didnt understand and told me that I should meet her. Is it wrong of me to not want to meet her at all? I just can't imagine it going well...I'm already jealous as they seem to share a lot of things in common. I also don't know how I would react knowing that they slept together, that would definitely be uncomfortable for me.

 

I wouldn't stop him from seeing her though (no matter how much I might want to) I'm just really not comfortable with the idea of them being together. I know this comes down to my insecurities but can you really blame me? I feel really intimidated by this girl (or should I say woman) and I haven't even met her.

 

I once mentioned to him that they seemed perfect for one another ( this was after he was telling me about how much fun they have together) it was a silly thing to say but I really just wanted to see his reaction but he never said anything. I dont know what to think, do you guys think I'm just overthinking everything?

 

Let me get this straight. He cheated, he tells you how wonderful she is, he tells you that he sees here once in a while, and you don't want to stop him?

 

He must be really good looking or something to be able to play two women like that and they know about it.

 

Why are you staying with him?

 

Are you overthinking everything? on the contrary, you aren't thinking at all. I don't say that to offend, but wake up!!!

 

He cheated and even talks about her in a great way. Why are you putting up with it? Why aren't you dumping his sorry ass and moving on to someone you can trust?

[twice_shy]

You are not being silly and this isn't about you being insecure!

 

It could be about insecurities. Why is she staying with him and allowing him to keep messing around with this other woman? She is playing cuckold.

 

So the question is....why? Is it because she thinks she can't get anyone else, or anyone that she perceives as "better" than her current bf?

 

If so, that has insecurity written all over it.

 

If that is not the case, I'd really like to know why she puts up with this and gives him a green light to keep boffing this other woman.

[twice_shy]

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a while I've been very busy.

 

I'm at a loss as to what I should do now. I told him the day before I saw him that we needed to talk about it and he said that was fine. When the actual day arrived though it never actually happened..I'm quite frustrated with myself.

 

A part of the reason I never said anything was due to someones advise...basically they told me that I should just trust him and that if I ask him not to see her it will just push him away. .

 

Uh....what??? Someone told you to trust a guy that is seeing another woman and you know it?

 

sorry, there is nothing about him to trust. He is openly cheating on you and you openly allow it.

 

Talking to him won't do any good. Sorry, even if he stops seeing this woman, he will be the same dog that wants to be with someone else and have you too. He is a typical cake eater.

 

In my view you have 2 choices.

 

1) let him keep seeing this other woman, or whatever other woman he'd like to be with and not complain about it.

 

or

 

2) dump his worthless but and move on with your life because you deserve better and shouldn't have to share a committed partner with anyone.

 

And before anyone goes off and says I'm being too harsh, that is sometimes needed to slap some sense into someone. I would like to see poisongirl better her situation and get rid of that which causes her grief.

 

I have been there and done that and I wish someone would have slapped sense into me when I felt conflicted about things.

Edited March 28, 2008 by twice_shy

[Phateless]

Ok I'm gonna bust out here...

 

In the car business I learned a lot of things about people, and a lot about human nature and psychology. People do some WEIRD $h!t when thousands of dollars are at stake. ::laughing::

 

This all comes down to saving face, in a weird way. But not in the eyes of others, in your own eyes. PoisonGirl has invested A LOT in this guy - her virginity. That's a big F-ing deal at ANY age, even more so at 19.

 

The hardest part now is to admit to herself that she made a mistake - that she was wrong about him, and all of her investment will go to waste. She doesn't want to let go of all those foundations they built.

 

In the car biz, I can give someone the best deal on earth, but if they've been saying no to me for half an hour, they won't suddenly change their mind and say yes because they feel stupid. When my manager walks in and says "hey. so what do you want to do?" and shrugs, the guy can say "give me another $100 off and we got a deal." My manager says "ok." with a smile and shakes the customers hand. Now why couldn't he have just TOLD me that?? ::laughing::

 

On some subconscious level, that guy would feel stupid to say yes to me after saying no all those times. He wanted to feel like it was his decision and not like I "won" or something. Weird huh?

 

I think the same thing is going on here, if you understand the comparison. You've invested a lot in him, you were so sure that he was the one, and now you have to reverse your thinking in a moment? It's hard to do!

 

The hardest part here is to call the whole thing a loss, let go of the plans you had, and chalk this whole thing up to a learning experience. It's part of what makes you who are in the end.

 

You know what you have to do, girlie. Just make sure this doesn't make you afraid to open up again. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you can't trust your intuition, because that's all you have. Sometimes it's wrong and you just have to accept that, but you still need to trust it.