Better to be myself?

[Random Username]

*disclaimer* Sorry for all my pathetic questions but been going through a lot of life changing issues lately and really have nobody to talk to, so bear with me

 

So.. If I were to take inventory on my emotional well-being right now, I would put it at majorly depressed, unhappy, semi-bitter, yet hopeful, positive, faithful, and not wanting to give up.

 

If I compare it to the weather, it's like my day to day weather can be sunny or rainy, but my overall climate is gloomy.

 

But when I'm out on my daily routine at work and school, the personality that I show is one of a "happy" person. IOW, you would never guess I'm really unhappy and miserable. I give off an impression I live a pretty normal active life, probably hang out on weekends, probably have a group of friends, whatever. Truth is, I live almost 99% in reclusion when not at work & school. I have no relationship at all, I haven't even used my cell phone in at least a year, so I have almost zero conversations outside of work and school. So little that I'm scared S**TLESS of forming ANY kind of relationship--friends, acquaintances, girlfriends, anything.

 

My biggest fear is that something about the person I meet will TRIGGER me into feeling really depressed. Mainly, seeing them having so many friends. Shoot, seeing them having ONE friend. I get this really bad feeling just seeing somebody receiving calls on their cellphone and I hate that I think like this.. sooo childish but I can't control my feeling of shame, that for the past 10 years I've had no friends and rather than filling that time being productive I've filled it mostly with analyzing and worrying and wanting and being so miserable over it yet hiding it from EVERYBODY. Like I said nobody sees this side of me. To them I'm the happiest of the happy average ordinary happy go lucky guy.. I could be your coworker you just assume goes out this week and whatever.. but I'm sitting at home practically crying-at least on the inside.

 

Anyway, so I'm thinking, when I go to school, work, wherever.. should I just be myself? Be the dark, moody, quiet guy who is obviously unhappy? Be the weird strange guy who you imagine listens to morrisey all day and writes strange poems about life being unfair? I mean, should I just be what I really am-- miserable??

 

Rather than having this "happy" positive exterior, only to meet someone and possibly form a relationship and for them to find out I'm exactly the opposite?? Because this has happened, and when it has is when I reach my low point and only then I show my true nature to the world. So to avoid this happening in the first place should I just be as miserable as I am--so that I can attract other miserable people or people who are sympathetic towards miserable people??

 

Because right now all I attract are HAPPY people, positive people. The girls who ever show interest are always the most happiest, intellegent, psychologically healthy people.. and it's them who scares me the most, because it's them who can will have the ability to see through me and grow to hate it, and that's what scares me the most because I know they're the ones who see things how they really are.

 

Sometimes I'd rather attract dumb, unintellegent, dark, moody, bratty depressed low self esteem basket cases because I won't have to be afraid of them finding out and growing to hate me. They'd love me because I'm like them, or vice versa.

 

But as it is, those girls don't even notice me. Because I probably seem like one of the 'normal' guys who they just wouldn't have any chemistry with.. they like the dark gloomy weirdos who look and act dark and gloomy and so they form an instant bond, but me it's like I probably seem too normal or something.

 

I know I seem like a 'nice guy' and you'll probably recommend staying the happy person on the outside but I'm telling you, 15 years I've been miserable and I think that's just become my nature and can never change. I can't fake it no more.. well I stopped faking it 10 years ago which is when I stopped having friends and any social life. If this still confuses anyone, there's an article I found that hit home.. www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18885211

 

Sorry for this long winded post but I'm so out of strength and my time is runnin out.. Thanks

[D-Lish]

What you are describing sounds an awful lot like Depression with an Anxiety Disorder. No- I am not making a diagnosis online after reading a few paragraphs about you. I am just saying that I can relate- and that I have experience with those thoughts and feelings.

 

SOmewhere along the way something happened to make you want to hide yourself from others.

 

So, you go out and you put on a happy face for people- then you go home and hide and fear that people are going to figure out your deepest secrets and judge you for it. You may think you are alone in feeling like that, but you aren't.

 

I would first and foremost take your story to your doctor. I think you could benefit from therapy. You might even benefit from medication- something your doctor could ascertain. It may bring you out of your isolation.

 

So you attract happy, intelligent people... then you deem yourself unworthy of their attraction. I am willing to bet most of the people you meet have their own insecurities.

 

You don't feel good about yourself, so you don't feel worthy of inviting worthy people into your life. I think you would be surprised at how many people fear being judged by others.

 

So, what is it do you think happened in your past that effects you currently? You said you have felt like this for about 15 years. Anything happen?

 

Anyway, glad you posted. Feeling the way you do isn't strange... but it is something you should explore and hopefully change how you feel.

 

Ever talked to a therapist?

[Random Username]

Thanks D.. Oh believe me I know people got insecurities too, totally. I just feel like my insecurities are more naive and immature and that's what separates us. It's almost like dating a guy only to find out he's still scared to kiss you (That's NOT my problem ;P) but it's almost of that nature.. but the diff is I don't get all cutesy shy about it I get gloomily dark and depressed..

 

I'm not sure exactly what happened. I think it was just at that time I realized I'm not a part of my family and spiritually my family died.. in my mind I have no family. Guess that bummed me out and friends seemed pointless after that. All my friends were good for was going out partying and hangin out anyway.

 

But thanks and if I do see anyone yeah I can use this as my manuscript cause it definately wouldn't come out the same if I attempt to verbalize it! Take care out there in Canada!!

[D-Lish]

Want to elaborate about the family thing?

 

It sounds to me like you have posted- skirted around a couple issues, said thanks and now want to run away.

 

Your depression and insecurities aren't unique.

Do you want them to be maybe? Is that how you define yourself?