i know my fiance loves me but he's a chronic liar (long!)

[missy15]

one of the first things i remember about him when we first met was his lying about was his job and his education. i also found out from his friens that he even lied to his parents about graduating university who flew across the country to attend the ceremony that did not happen. he also had a problem with money and credit cards, but we were younger then and i figured that it was a learning experience. after i found out about all this, he convinced me that he wanted to change and really wanted to work it out. over the next few years he still continued to lie about things- mainly little things food, clothes, money, talking to his ex-gf. i am not a controlling person and don't have problems with him talking to his exes (i am even friends with one of them) but i can't stand his lying. we broke up several times over the past few years over his lying but i know he loves me and he treats me well otherwise, so i figured that we could try to work it out.

over the years he would still lie occasionally and i have either brushed it off since the lies were so insignificant, or just accepted that he's an idiot (a great guy but an idiot who tells white lies). i know that he still sees his ex-gf once in awhile, but it doesn't bother me and i can't really accuse him of lying since i don't ask about it. a few months ago, we were going over our finances and i found out that he hadn't saved any money since we got engaged- on top of that, he ran up a few thousand on his cc. i make 2.5x more money then him and i know that i would be supporting us, but i dont think its fair that i should be working hard and saving everything for our future while he does nothing financially. i almost called off the wedding but we eventually worked it out, and he started depositing most of his checks into a joint account so that we could save together (he keeps enough money for his expenses but saves everything else). the other week i found out that he ran up $1000 on his cc again. he didn't think it was a big deal since we could pay it off quickly, but i was more upset that he was lying to me about it. he told me that he realizes he has a spending problem and offerred to give me his cc so he couldn't use it anymore. i was hesitant but agreed since he acknowledged his problem and wanted to compromise.

 

this past wknd, i caught him lying again. this time it was about his ex-gf calling. i was right beside him when his phone started ringing and i asked who it was and he said it was his one of his friends. he erased her number on the call list, and she called again. his phone was right in front of me and i guess he thought i couldn't see it. i told him that i knew it wasn't his friend calling and he denied it and accused me of harassing him. i told him that i saw the number cuz the phone was right in front of my face and he kept denying it. at this point i wasn't even mad...more annoyed at him being an idiot. he has since apologized and told me that he only lied cuz he didn't want to argue about it, esp since he hadn't talked to her in awhile. i'm still upset at his lying and haven't talked to him since.

 

there's also a lack of intimacy, i think it started a few years ago when he kept lying to me. i started losing trust in him and resented him and i think this was a consequence of that. we've talked about it and what our future would be like and he says that as long as "he gets it once in awhile" he will be ok. he says he knows that i don't love him as much as he loves me but he wants to marry me and be with me. i am honestly ok without it and can see myself married to him. i truly believe he loves me and won't cheat on me (my friends think so too).

 

part of me wants to get married cuz i know he loves me and we'd be happy together. he always looks out for me and would be devastated if i ended it. we come from traditional families and our parents are really excited about our wedding and i dont want to embarrass anyone. but the other part of me can't stand the little lies and his attitude about money. i do love him and i know he loves me (really). i've talked about some of this to a few friends and they all know that he's madly in love with me, so i dont think there's an issue about his love for me. we just have issues and i dont know if they are workable (maybe he has a problem?). i also don't know that a marriage can survive with a lack of intimacy. at the same time, i think i'm lucky to have someone who loves me and is a great guy- aside from his little lies, he really is a great guy. i am starting to feel old and don't really want to go back into the "dating scene". thoughts anyone?

[whichwayisup]

His lying, behaviour and attitude has not changed. He says he'll change, but his actions prove otherwise.

 

DO NOT MARRY HIM. It will only get worse as you two get older and have children. Think long term here, not just the now.

 

So what if he is a great guy, he has some pretty deal breaking faults, hense the lying, not being responsible or being able to support you. So you have a guy who loves you and you feel lucky. Do you love him back as much as he loves you or has his past and recent lying and behaviour changed that?

 

What you can do is couples counselling to see if he can change. Time will tell...But for now, put the wedding plans on hold.

[Grrlish]

Missy:

 

I'm sorry but this does not sound like a forever marriage in the making.

 

I have a hard time linking the words 'great guy' with 'liar'. In fact, it would be impossible for me to call any guy who's a liar, a great guy.

 

I am also uneasy about the fact that you two have a joint account, yet he is a liar and cannot manage his own money. Be careful that he doesn't start helping himself to yours, without your permission.

 

HE ran up a $1,000 cc bill, but wasn't worried because "we could pay it off quickly"?? We? Why are you helping him pay for HIS inability to manage money?

 

Hon, I don't know how old you are but these things are only going to continue, and continue to get worse.

 

And, by the way, you've made it clear that he's a liar and is irresponsible with his money, and yours. But you did not say a word about why he is such a 'great guy'.

 

You did, however, say that you've "accepted that he's an idiot". Is this really the image that you want to have of the man with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life??

 

My God, girl, my boyfriend has his moments (days, even) of being an a-hole. But don't we all? I look at my boyfriend (and hopefully future husband) and I see: Smart, successful, handsome, funny, generous, etc.

 

No, he's not perfect. I see Mr. ADHD Packrat, too, sometimes.

 

But...Idiot? Liar? I am not about to spend time with someone that I would describe as anything truly negative. Much less marry that person.

 

We need to marry men whom we admire and are proud of.

 

Don't do it. Do NOT marry a liar.

 

And you're going to wind up supporting him. Mark my words.

Edited March 1, 2008 by Grrlish

[carhill]

And a quorum has been reached

 

OP, I'd sooner have you marry my dog

 

Once you've let this sink in, figure out why you were attracted to this type of person in the first place...

[toughchoices]

You mention the lying so many times in your post I don't think it can easily be ignored or cancelled out by his being a great guy. You have already admitted the lying has caused a lack of intimacy and you aren't even married yet. I think you need to strongly reconsider.

 

The money issue is a separate thing that can also severely harm a marriage. I am going through something like that now. Not sure where you live but once you get married he might really start to ignore the finances thinking you'll take care of it. Additionally, depending on where you live he could cash in if there is a divorce in the future. I believe you make a significant amount more than him. Just some thoughts. You might want to consider some type of premarital encounter weekend or therapy. It could help him and it may also give you some needed insight onto why the previous replies aren't in favor with you going ahead.

 

Move on while you can. Don't worry about embarrassing people. I am facing this and it is much worse after having been married for several years with established personal and profession connections as well as family. Just my $.02

[Grrlish]

 

Move on while you can. Don't worry about embarrassing people. I am facing this and it is much worse after having been married for several years with established personal and profession connections as well as family. Just my $.02

 

Missy, this is some very good input from ToughChoices.

 

It will be much worse, later.

 

I'm not sure who you're concerned about embarrassing. Is it mostly yourself? If the honest answer to this is yes, then realize that even if it's a bit embarrassing to back out of an engagement, a lot of people will consider you smart for not doing something as major as walking down the aisle when you knew it was a mistake.

 

I have to wonder...do your parents know that he is a chronic liar and that he is irresponsible with his money and with your money, and that you don't love him as much as he loves you? If they did, they might not be so excited about the prospect of you getting married.

 

I'm not necessarily suggesting that you have to give your parents the dirt on your bf (you could, of course). But what I'm getting at is that even if there are some others besides yourself who might be 'embarrassed' by calling off the wedding, you will know the reasons why and will know that you're saving everyone more embarrassment...and heartache...down the road.

[JaneInVegas]

My #1 lesson learned from The School of Hard Knocks: Men never ever change after you marry them, no matter how much you want them to.

 

If you're in an unhappy engagement, you're going to be in a miserable marriage, I'd bet my right arm on it.

 

I understand what you mean about fears of hitting the dating scene again. I talked myself into marrying someone at 27 because I didn't want to turn 30 without ever having been married. He was a chronic liar, gambler, cheater, etc. Being single for an eternity would have been better than being married to him.

 

Think long and hard girl, think HARD.