It's been a couple months...

[connerb]

My ex and I broke up in late November. We'd been dating for a year and a day when I found out he had been cheating / flirting with other people. I'm a fairly sensitive Cancer and he's a dual Gemini. One minute he's Mr. Nice, the next he's someone I've never met before. It's very weird. I've had some distance and can actually reflect on the positives and negatives of the relationship. In a way, we were doomed from the get-go. I'm very independent and he's the kind of person who needs someone to take care of him. During most of our time together, I felt like I was the mother of a 4-year-old vs. being in a caring, committed, adult relationship.

 

I immediately started to transition after we broke up. I kicked him out, I rearranged the furniture, I stopped any and all contact with him, I deleted his phone number, etc. Everything has been going well. I stopped thinking about him, I'm enjoying getting back to me.

 

So, last night, I go to an Oscar party with some friends. I stop in a bodega and pick up some (light) beer. I'm on my way out and the weirdest thing happens... I turn around and I see this guy standing in line. I do a double-take because it could be my ex, but I'm not sure. His hair is longer and his face looked really bad. I thought about getting a better look for about a split second before I decided to continue on my way. I really didn't care if it was him one way or the other. I get to the party, I'm enjoying myself and my phone rings. It's a number that I don't recognize, so I answer (which is very unlike me). And it's him. He starts telling me how he's missed me, how he's got all of these health issues, how he's going to go on all these trips with friends, etc., and the entire time I'm thinking, I don't care. Not only do I not care, I don't believe a word of it. I'm sure a percentage of it is true, but I know that a majority of it is pure b.s. He doesn't sound good. He wants to get together for coffee. He needs to see me. He thinks he sees me all over the place. The way I look at it, I'm better now. I feel like he needs me to feel sorry for him, but I don't feel sorry for him. I don't care about him because he didn't care about me. Maybe that's me being selfish, but my New Years resolution was to focus on me this year. I told him I wasn't ready to meet for coffee. I'm not ready to be friends with him. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that, knowing him the way I know him. He has a lot of growing up to do and he was stupid, and he admits that now, but it doesn't change anything.

 

He hung up on me because he didn't like what I was saying. After that, I noticed that he called me 9 times and texted me twice before I noticed the phone was ringing. Weird? Anyway, he told me he might have lymphoma. I know that's serious, but I know that he, in all honesty, probably doesn't have anything wrong with him. He just wants the sympathy. I texted him after saying I hope he's well, and that's it. He texted me back saying, I need to talk to you ASAP. And I just deleted it without responding.

 

Anyway, making progress and it feels really good. There is life after love.

[shanny]

Your resolution to think about yourself is AWESOME. It will be inspirational to so many readers here! You are right... he didn't treat you right and now he is regretting it, but too bad. I would say to not give into it, but I don't think you'll have a problem with that. YOU ROCK!

[JackhammerGemma]

First let me say good for you! So glad you're over him and moved on.

 

My question to you is, how did you do it? My bf has been cheating on me with a co-worker, we haven't broken up yet but the end is near so I'm preparing myself for life without him. I know you must have cared about your bf a lot and it must have really hurt you when he cheated. But how did you not want to come home from work and go to sleep every day out of depression, or did you? Maybe it's just me, I just don't know how I'm going to get over this without it being awful and messy mentally.

[connerb]

I think it's different for everyone. We're all at different points, on different paths, both emotionally and mentally. I have a co-worker who went through something very similar, only she still hasn't been able to let go and it's been a couple years. She always says she regrets listening to what others told her to do instead of listening to her gut and doing what she wanted to do. For me, there was this span of ignorance at first, like I couldn't believe it was happening -- I didn't want to believe (this is normal). Then, when I finally realized enough was enough, and I was through speculating whether or not what was happening was truth or fiction, I got really sad. But I kicked him out almost immediately. I had lost all faith in any trust that existed between us. I took away his keys (it's my apartment) and I told him he had to find someplace else to live. He begged and pleaded and said he didn't have anywhere else to go, I said, sure you do, you can go live with the person you cheated on me with you *******. He didn't do this, but who knows if anything he says is true. So, then I got rid of all of his stuff, I shifted all of the furniture around, I erased any and all memory of him, and made my apartment mine. For me, I had always wanted my own place, the only thing stopping me was this *******. So, now it was mine. Also, I was tired of picking up after him and telling him to help out and cleaning his dishes and, most of all, paying for him to do stuff. The first weeks are the hardest, you should allow yourself to cry. Then, you get busy. You go to the gym, you write that book you've wanted to write, you focus on all of the **** you hated about your ex. And, you listen to power songs like "Since You've Been Gone" and anything by Pink (she's real angry). Now, it's time to stop contact. Oh, this will hurt. Both of you, but him more, if you stick to it. This includes texting, emailing, myspace, facebook, everything. Just stop. Erase his number. Every time a negative thought comes into your head, just remind yourself of one of the many things he did to piss you off. By the way, since I haven't said this earlier, you deserve more. And you do. Tell yourself this all the time. It's true. Pretty soon, a couple months have passed -- you're in a store, you run into him and he looks like complete ****. You ignore him and go about your evening -- you've got better things to do. He calls you, asking whether or not you saw him, you tell him you don't care either way, say goodbye, and get on with your life. Yes, it is hard. There are great memories. There are times when you want to be his friend, but he knew exactly what he was doing. Don't let him tell you otherwise, because it's b.s. Eventually (and I haven't reached this part yet), you'll forgive him and just not care anymore. Well, I don't think I'll ever not care, or not look back with both sadness and happy thoughts, but bottom line, it just wasn't meant to be. I mean, it was, while it was happening. But now it's over, there's something else to look towards. I think the anger part helps most. And putting that to good use too. Like improving the body, soul and mind. Sometimes these things lead to the person we were always meant to become and / or the person we were always supposed to meet. I like to think this is true.

 

I have some experience with doing things cold turkey and getting pretty good results. I was a hard-core smoker for about six years and one day I had had enough and just decided to teach my brain that I didn't need cigarettes anymore, and, little by little, it worked. I've always said, it's the hardest thing I'll ever give up and, to date, this is still true. : )

 

**** him, you'll find better. Besides, he isn't as great as you think.