She's not "in love" and wants out!

[THEBIGARC]

Hello, I am new to this formum. Where do I start? I have been married for over a year, but we have been together for 6 yrs. We have a 4 y/o son. We have had a pretty rocky relationship for a while and now she is not sure she wants to continue. She ran into an ex-boyfriend last week and now she tells me she still has feelings for him. This ex is going through his own divorce, so it must make him feel better about his situtation by having my wife console him during his difficult time. She is confused about her feelings. I love my wife and am committed to my family. I agreed to marry her in our church with God present. I am Catholic and I know times have changed, but Catholics do not believe in divorce and I want to make it work. I have read all kinds of messages on here about what people do and don't do. I am taking it all in and trying to determine what is the best advice for me.

 

Please comment and I will read and take it all in!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hello, I am new to this formum. Where do I start? I have been married for over a year, but we have been together for 6 yrs. We have a 4 y/o son. We have had a pretty rocky relationship for a while and now she is not sure she wants to continue. She ran into an ex-boyfriend last week and now she tells me she still has feelings for him. This ex is going through his own divorce, so it must make him feel better about his situtation by having my wife console him during his difficult time. She is confused about her feelings. I love my wife and am committed to my family. I agreed to marry her in our church with God present. I am Catholic and I know times have changed, but Catholics do not believe in divorce and I want to make it work. I have read all kinds of messages on here about what people do and don't do. I am taking it all in and trying to determine what is the best advice for me.

 

Please comment and I will read and take it all in!

 

Good lord. I feel your pain bruh.

 

But damn if your catholic is she one too? Will the cathlic church grant an annulment or something. I mean you know she's having an emotional affair with this ex boyfriend right? Have you talking to him/ confronted him.

 

What does your gut tell you?

[Nomad1]

I am sorry TheBigArc but I think the reason she is leaving is that she probably never really got over her Ex. She probably married you because he got married and now that he is free she wants to go back with him. The chances are whatever led to their original break-up will resurface at some point. He will use her as his rebound then move on. The chances are she will then come back knocking on your door in a year's time. Will you take her back? I know it's hard but it is almost predictable. Find solace in your faith. You haven't done anything wrong. If she wants a divorce, she will have to divorce you.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[THEBIGARC]

You made a lot of sense in your response. I do feel the same way. I think right now all I can do is let her decided what she wants to do. The question is how long should I wait because this is killing me inside. I have my son to think about. I want to be with him everyday of his life. We are moving into a new house Friday. I am going to move us in and let her go if she wants.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You made a lot of sense in your response. I do feel the same way. I think right now all I can do is let her decided what she wants to do. The question is how long should I wait because this is killing me inside. I have my son to think about. I want to be with him everyday of his life. We are moving into a new house Friday. I am going to move us in and let her go if she wants.

 

That's exactly what you need to do, just tell her that if you want to run to that loser and abandon your marraige and me, then that is your choice.

 

Get custody of your son, let your wife go.

[THEBIGARC]

I still love my wife and do not want a divorce. There is no way I would take our son from his mother. I am going to be strong and move into our new house. If she wants to leave then, it is on her. We have another house that is in her name. She can live there with her ex-boyfriend and his two kids. This is all a huge mess. I wish it would just end.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Nomad1]

What is likely to happen in the next few days/weeks, she will say nasty things to you to get a negative reaction so that she can justify the choices she has made. Don't fall for it. Stay composed and only talk about what is good for your son. You know this is the end. I know that that is not what you want but accept it. Your son is the only person you should focus your attention on. Your wife is selfish and there is nothing you could do or say to make her change her ways. Do what is good for you and your son.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[THEBIGARC]

You are right on in your thinking. I feel the same way. What is happening is I am acting just how she thought I wouldn't. It is hard as hell. I am nice and calm. I tell her that we should go to talk to a 3rd party. She tells me she still loves me, but she can not stop talking to the ex. I know in her mind she has made her decision and there is nothing I can do. I will move us into the new house Friday. That is my main goal. I just am having a hard time with my own emotions. It is so hard to sleep in the same bed and have her hug me and tell me she loves me. She is doing it because she sees my pain not because she means it. I think I lost 15 lbs since this first start only 10 days ago. Your insite is a huge help.

 

Thanks Again!!

[Nomad1]

You know it reminds me of my situation nearly 6 months ago. She insisted on us sleeping in the same bed, hugged, kissed and had sex. 6 months later we are still in the same house waiting for it to sell, the divorce is going through but we are not talking. We went through a period of being 'friends' but it didn't not work. How can you be friends with someone who betrayed you and destroyed your family? The strange thing is that my STBXW is catholic and never missed Mass! I don't understand why she even bothers going to church!

 

Find solace in your prayers. You sound like a good man and you deserve better. What your wife is doing is a form of bullying. She destroyed your family and is expecting you to just accept it and be friends with her! What planet did she hail from? But you know my friend, what goes around comes around. Don't take her back if she changes her mind. She does not deserve you! Hang in there and be strong. Time is the greatest healer of all.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[carhill]

Hi, sorry for your pain. Could you describe duration and content of "rocky for awhile"?

 

Also, I'm seeing a disparity between time married and age of child. I'll assume the child was born prior to being married. That would lead me to guess that neither of you are strict Catholic, assuming it is a life-long faith. So, no worries. Do your best, focus on your son and accept the realities. Take it from another life-long Catholic, you're not any more faithful for suffering.

 

Regarding annulments in the church, I don't know if they bother with that anymore, but AFAIK the only real purpose is to allow getting married in the church again. I know because my father got one after his first wife abandoned him and took the children while he was fighting the Germans in Italy in WW2. Oddly, he married my mom in a civil service, but, because he was practicing, perhaps it allowed the marriage and my mom (and subsequently myself) to be recognized by the church.

 

Anyway, don't worry about that stuff. I'd suggest some MC and give your wife a year to sort out her feelings. Set that timeline right now and stick to it. If the old lover is still in the picture, then divorce her.

[THEBIGARC]

NOMAD1

 

I was wondering how your sitiutation was going with your wife. I am in the early stanges of this and everything is up in the air. The things you told me are so true. She does try to make me angry or hurt by her. She wants me to hate her. She ask me everyday, "You hate me?". I think she would feel better if I would say "yes, I hate you and never want to see you again!", I do not do that. I tell her I love her and understand she is confused. I want to save our marriage. I do everything I can to be with my son. The guilt in her is there. I see it, but it is not enough to stop her for wanting to leave me and be with him. That is what kills me inside. She says she doesn't want to be with him now, but she is lying.

She has done a lot of things to help me in my life. I grew up as a man with her. She feels she has suffered throught all of it. She helped me financially. I have lived in the house she bought from her dad. We moved into it together. I helped pay bills, but it was still her house. I have stayed with her even though she had an affair with this ex during a short break up when I son was 18 months old. I feel like I owe her because of what she did for me, but she has also been very unkind and has treated me like a second fiddle to this ex. I was the 1st runner up in the pagent when the real winner was DQ. Now, we come to this brand new house. This was supposed to be our dream house. We move in Friday. I know she wants to have that dream with him. I will not let that happen. I am being selfish again. I will move us in the weekend and then Monday she and I will have it out. It will be up to her to end our marriage. I know it will be so very painfull, but I am not going to make it easy for her. If it comes down to having to sell our dream house, then that is what has to happen. But I will be Dammed if the other man with sleep one night in my house! I think I rambled a little, but I am going crazy.

Thanks NOMAD1 for your insite!

[Nomad1]

Well the BigArc. I have 3 children, 13, 15 and 16. We have been together 17yrs and I thought that we had a wonderful life in every respect. Until she started the 'I love you but not in love with you' business. Things deteriorated over the past 6 months. She goes out about 3 times a week. She hardly spends any time with the boys. She has become self-absorbed and dresses like an 18yr old (she is 42). The house is on the market. I am thinking of renting a flat while I am waiting for the house to sell. It will double my outgoing but I just want out.

 

My advice to you TheBigArc is to stay strong and just ignore her. Expect that you will get angry and resentful, but try to stay calm. She will try to get a reaction out of you to justify her choices. Don't give it to her. Tell her that she is free to come and go as she pleases but have some boundaries, i.e. for both of you not to bring OM/OW to the house for the sake of your son.

 

It is a tough one TheBigArc but accept that it is over. It will be hard but at least you will keep your dignity. Please let her go for your own sanity. Why don't you start dating? I know it is too soon and that you are committed to the marriage, but you don't have to sleep with anyone at first. I know that when I started going out she started complaining that it was not nice for the boys to see you go out so often and stay out at times. She asked me the other day 'Have you found someone else?' I replied that I thought we were not going to discuss such matters. She said 'I really need to know'. I just ignored her.

 

Nomad1

[jmargel]

Seems like the advice I am about to give you has been given quite a few times over the years. This advice is not only from my own personal experience, but reading and helping others for over the past 5 years. My experience was extremely similiar to yours.

 

I was married a year and she started seeing her ex-bf. Needless to say, I did everything from being mad to trying to play the nice guy. However it all amounted to her disrespect for me. Her inability to show empathy towards the situation and her lack for responsibility for our marriage. She had me 'convinced' I was at fault, she would often lay 'blanket' statement, to make you feel that she has some sort of justification for what she is doing. That she is 'entitled' to this because she went through so much with me. "I" was at fault. She also knew how to keep me as the safety net while she explored what might still be there with him.

 

In the marriage it was a 'Parent - Child' relationship. I was trying to keep watch over her while she acted like a teenager. It took a good physchologist to make me see through the mud she was dragging me through.. I also read the book 'Love must be tough' which I highly suggest you get. I am also Catholic, so I know where you are coming from.

 

The only thing that worked was tough love. One morning I just snapped, I was too emotionally exhausted and just wanted a resolution to this no matter which way it ended up being. I then told her to leave, no.. demanded that she leave. She would often threaten to leave and tried to push an insecurity on me. Well, I called her bluff and I made it extremely clear that I was no longer going to be in with her twisted games.

 

It wasn't until then that she woke up. She's had NC with him for 3 years and though things are still not "great" the stress of all of that is gone. You must live in confidence, you must stop tolerating her behavior. You must realize that what she is doing is trying to justify her behavior. Though you might not have reached to her expectations of a marriage that is NO reason to cheat, no reason to be this cruel. It's YOU that must stop this.. Stop playing the victim!

 

IMO I would tell her face to face in a calm voice tonight 'I love you, but I will no longer be dragged through the mud. I will not allow my son to see all this deceit and lying. I refuse to put myself through this anymore. If you want to go, then I will open the cage door (as you see it) as wide as possible. However, know that you are never welcomed back. If you want to work on this marriage, then we are going to see a marraige counselor this week and NC with your ex, AT ALL.'

 

Don't give her any other options but those two. Be calm, distant and start working on yourself. Know that this is a fundemental personality/attitude problem with your wife that only she can fix. No matter who she married she would have done this to them.

 

I find life much easier living life with a confidence that you will not tolerate any disrespectfulness. I expect what I give in return. Hang in there.. and post back soon.

[THEBIGARC]

I appreciate all of the advice from your own experiences. I am trying to do the right thing for my son, my wife, and me. Today, I found out we will have to wait until next Wednesday to move into our new house. That means I will have be in limbo for a few more days. I was planning to give her a choice when we moved in, our marriage and family or him? Now, I have have to go on with this crap a few more days. I know she is still talking to this guy and that he is filling her head with all kind of stuff. I wish I knew what to do a this momemt. I am being calm and nice. I do everything I can to help with our son and house work. NOMAD1 knows where I am headed and so do I, but right now is the hardest part. I have to get through this week. Once I am in that house, then she has to leave if she wants out. I can't leave until then. Her parents are unaware of all this and it kills me everytime I am around them and have to act like everything is fine. People ask me all the time, "How is the house coming?" "Are you excited?" I am not sure how long I can remain under controll. I want to flip out. I am not going to. Too much is at stake. I am not going to make her decision to end our family easy. She will have to make tough choices to be with that low life. Well, thanks again guys. I wait to hear from you guys again.

 

Taking it Day by Day, Hour by Hour, Minute by Minute!!!!

[jmargel]

Why are you waiting? If the old house is hers, still give her the ultamatium. If she wants out of the marriage, then get your stuff and move into a hotel room until your house is ready.

 

This new house is not going to solve any problems, just going to make them worse. You need to act now. I've been right in your shoes.. I know that you want to try to 'work things out' but what you really need is resolution.

[THEBIGARC]

Well, the good news is she agreed to go to MC, but the bad is She has already made up her mind. She wants to be with him. She has a feeling she thinks she never had with me. So, we are going to go to MC Monday and after that we decide what next. I think I have excepted what is going to happen. At first I was trying to convince myself that she was confused and that I could win back her affections, but now have come to realize that it is over. This is going to very hard I know. I have to deal with custodity over my son. I really pissed her off last night when I suggested joint custodity. She went crazy and still is pissed at me about that one. She said something like every other weekend and a couple days a week until dark then bring him back to her. Forget that!! That is not acceptible. There is the new house issue also. She told me I could buy her out for 30K. There is no way I can pay that and still afford the mortage. So, I guess we will try to sell and just lose our butts off on it. The market is not good here right now.

I did stand up to her last though for the 1st time since this all started. I told her it was disrespectful of her to talk to this guy behind my back all the long telling me she wants to figure things out. She swore she would not talk to him until MC, but that is probably too much for her to ask of herself. She said she wished she didn't have these feelings for him. She wished she could be happy with me and our famliy, but she can't help it and she wants to feel those feelings. It is not there with me. So, after taking all of that in and being heartbroken, I have accepted it.

So, now I will move on to the next painfull part of all this. I just hope it is not drawn out too long. Only time will tell.

 

Wish me luck!! The pain inside is turning into a numbing feeling.

[Nomad1]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The BigArc – I know what you are going through. I am sorry that it turned out the way it did. Understand that there is absolutely nothing that you can do that would make her change her mind. The woman is so cruel! But at least she told you about it blatantly. It could have been worse, she could have lied about it all or continued in the relationship with you while she slept with him. Please don’t waste anymore of your efforts in discussion the relationship with her. She does not respect you. Be calm but tough. Safeguard your interest. I am not sure what the MC is going to do. A waste of time in my view. Start planning your exit. Round up your assets no matter how small and plan ahead. I am surprised that she refused joint custody. Mine is pushing me to have 50/50 child care or for me to keep the boys and for her to see them at weekends! I suppose she wants her independence without the kids.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Are you in the UK? I am in London.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Keep us updated.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Take care[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Nomad1[/sIZE][/FONT]

[THEBIGARC]

I am wondering if I should leave and file for divorce 1st. It would be so much easier for me, but it would be even easier for her. She keeps the new house, I get to pay out the ass. She can start her new life with him with me out the picture. I am not going to do it. Why should I get screwed. I am going to make her file for divorce. I am going to battle her for 50/50 custodity of our son. I did not ask to be a part time dad. I want to be with him more than every other weekend. The bad thing about all of this is it is going to kill me being there and not being wanted. Just knowing she loves someone else more than me hurts like hell. I will have withstand all of this pain until she files and we go from there. I hate this crap. I am making a promise to myself. I WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN!!! I have a son to carry on my name. This is my 2nd divorce. There will be no 3rd times a charm.

[THEBIGARC]

Well, it has been over a month since all of this happen. Since then I went through all of the stages, shock, angry, begging, saddnes, and now acceptance. I have since moved out of our old house and we are selling the new one we just built. She is having a relationship with the OM. She has respected my wishes of not bring him around our son. I have talked to the OM also. Not that I can trust him, but he has swore not to have contact with my son until I am ready. Her family turned against her at first because they love me and hate the OM. I talked to her dad yesterday and told him it is over and he needs to let it go. He said he would calm down with his daughter. It is her choice. I am doing better, but I still have moments when I want it all back. I am going to a counselor and have realized we were not good together. We are actually getting along better now, minus the one night when she went off on me. Starting over is the hardest part for me. This will be my 2nd divorce. I would have stayed and been unhappy just to keep my son safe from divorce. My parents divorced and it was very hard on me. I was older though; he is only 4 yrs old. So, now I am moving on to the next phase. She and I talk only about our son and the house. I do not want to know anything about her life other than that. I am scared out of my mind of what is going to happen to me, but I am sure it will be ok. Right now is just a series of highs and lows. I am going to start living for me though. I am going to do everything I wanted to do but couldn't when I was married. Wish me luck and I will keep all you guys posted!

[IpAncA]

Thanks for the update!

 

Sorry your going through this. Hope things get better for you.

[THEBIGARC]

I know it is too early for a relationship, but I have to have contact with a woman. I am not talking about physical, just company. I am going to dinner with a nice girl. She understands that I am still in the seperation/divorce process. We are going to dinner. My W is getting on with her life with the OM. I feel like I need to do the same. Wish me luck. If anything, it is a nice distraction to thinking about my W.

[Nomad1]

I know that your sorrow is not just about your wife. She is subhuman and has no morals. It is about the idea of a family, but she was so willing to jeorpadise that for something that clearly won't last. I felt the same way about going out with other women. I dated four different women each was looking for something different. One wanted marriage and children, one wanted a committed fun relationship, one wanted a committed serious relationship and one wanted anything she could get from me but hoped for more. I decided I was going to live the life of a bachelor with no commitment to any body. It's great to have a Monday,a Wednesday and a Friday girl with no strings attached! Lots of fun and minimum stress. You see, the problem with some women is that at the beginning of a relationship, they are on their best behaviour, until they get you by the balls, then they squeeze the life out of you, especially when there are kids involved! They start dictating the terms of the relationship. They become really jealous when you sart seeing someone else and try to make your life hell because you are no longer interested in their tired old p****y!. I say enjoy your evening and don't stick to just one woman. Have loads of them and no commitment. Just sex. Treat the bit***s mean,keep them keen!

 

Be a man, treat them like crap, you will never have a problem with Beotches!

 

Nomad 1

[smokiejjj]

 

The only thing that worked was tough love. One morning I just snapped, I was too emotionally exhausted and just wanted a resolution to this no matter which way it ended up being. I then told her to leave, no.. demanded that she leave. She would often threaten to leave and tried to push an insecurity on me. Well, I called her bluff and I made it extremely clear that I was no longer going to be in with her twisted games.

 

 

Even though I literally just divorced I find the above advice worked best for me and was the only thing that got my ex-wife to sort of come around. One day I got tired of being the nice guy and just snapped and laid it all on her. Every time she tried to say something different, I said firmly "No that is not the case", "No you are wrong" and explained why. It just flowed easily as I was so angry. This got her coming back around. In the end it did not work out, but being as honest as possible, calling a spade a spade, not putting up with any **** is the best policy.

[Gunny376]

Seems like the advice I am about to give you has been given quite a few times over the years. This advice is not only from my own personal experience, but reading and helping others for over the past 5 years. My experience was extremely similiar to yours.

 

I was married a year and she started seeing her ex-bf. Needless to say, I did everything from being mad to trying to play the nice guy. However it all amounted to her disrespect for me. Her inability to show empathy towards the situation and her lack for responsibility for our marriage. She had me 'convinced' I was at fault, she would often lay 'blanket' statement, to make you feel that she has some sort of justification for what she is doing. That she is 'entitled' to this because she went through so much with me. "I" was at fault. She also knew how to keep me as the safety net while she explored what might still be there with him.

 

In the marriage it was a 'Parent - Child' relationship. I was trying to keep watch over her while she acted like a teenager. It took a good physchologist to make me see through the mud she was dragging me through.. I also read the book 'Love must be tough' which I highly suggest you get. I am also Catholic, so I know where you are coming from.

 

The only thing that worked was tough love. One morning I just snapped, I was too emotionally exhausted and just wanted a resolution to this no matter which way it ended up being. I then told her to leave, no.. demanded that she leave. She would often threaten to leave and tried to push an insecurity on me. Well, I called her bluff and I made it extremely clear that I was no longer going to be in with her twisted games.

 

It wasn't until then that she woke up. She's had NC with him for 3 years and though things are still not "great" the stress of all of that is gone. You must live in confidence, you must stop tolerating her behavior. You must realize that what she is doing is trying to justify her behavior. Though you might not have reached to her expectations of a marriage that is NO reason to cheat, no reason to be this cruel. It's YOU that must stop this.. Stop playing the victim!

 

IMO I would tell her face to face in a calm voice tonight 'I love you, but I will no longer be dragged through the mud. I will not allow my son to see all this deceit and lying. I refuse to put myself through this anymore. If you want to go, then I will open the cage door (as you see it) as wide as possible. However, know that you are never welcomed back. If you want to work on this marriage, then we are going to see a marraige counselor this week and NC with your ex, AT ALL.'

 

Don't give her any other options but those two. Be calm, distant and start working on yourself. Know that this is a fundemental personality/attitude problem with your wife that only she can fix. No matter who she married she would have done this to them.

 

I find life much easier living life with a confidence that you will not tolerate any disrespectfulness. I expect what I give in return. Hang in there.. and post back soon.

 

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

 

ONLY THING THAT WORKS!

[THEBIGARC]

Dealing with her is something else. She can be so nice about our son, the house, and even then divorce process and then bamm she is a total nut job. I am staying calm and trying to get through this. I wish we did not have to have contact. It is so hard with our son. She is letting me have him almost 1/2 the time which is great, but I have to talk to her everyday. Today I am going to try to have as little contact as possible. I will call my son when he goes to bed then hopefully that will be it. I have him tomorrow night and I am picking him up at her dad's. I will do the same thing. I need to have as little contact as possible. She still on insist on trying to make me feel sorry for her. She said she is depressed and it is hard for her too. She is missing me. I hate hearing all that crap. Tell it to the OM. Let him be the shoulder for you to cry on. Everyone keeps telling me that I am being stronger than they ever could. I am just listeing to good advice from you guys here.

I have my date thursday night and I can not wait. A year from now can not come soon enough.