She's not "in love" and wants out!

[smokiejjj]

Don't fall for any of it.. I'm telling you my ex-wife tried pulling the same feel sorry for me stuff as well, telling me how hard her life was etc. She was in dental school at the time and still managed to pull off amazing marks and great grades, so I doubt very much that she was as "sad" and "messed" up as she would have me believe. It is a ploy to make you try and beg for her to come back and keep begging - but this will get you nowhere. Literally when she starts on that nonsense - tell her up front you don't want to hear about it. Don't take in a single word of it - refuse to listen to - not even a single word. Get angry about it - get real angry - you should be for her trying to put that load on you.

[jmargel]

When she tells you those things, the best thing to say is 'I am not your safety net, you have made your decision'. Show and live confidence, women adore that in men. It's what they look upto. They learn that from their years as a child when they would look upto 'dad'.

 

Just as much as we want a soft, compassionate woman, women look for the confidence in us.

 

Continue what you are doing, it does get easier.. Also on this date don't dump all your baggage on her just yet. Just have a good time.

[THEBIGARC]

Confidence is the key. She did not respect me at all because I did lack it with her. I am going to live my life the way I want. I could not do that with her. She is up and down with her emotions and I did tell her that I do not want to listen to her crying. She keeps asking me if I would ever take her back one day. I said a flat out "No Way!". Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life. I feel like everyday gets better. I am excited to see where I will be in one year's time.

[Confused9]

I am so glad you are doing well.

 

I find it very hard to not have any confidence after the way my x treated me. I am hoping one day I get to that spot. I guess the things he said to me didn't help.

 

Keep that strenght up. You will come out looking like the better person and more importantly your child will notice. That is all that matters right now. Making sure your kid is not involved in a negative way. My parent's were brutal to one another and we saw it. It really makes you grow up...fast.

[THEBIGARC]

It is so hard to focus on work and stuff with these feelings of ups and downs. I know it is over, but I keep having these thoughts of "What if I did this or that?". I know it is all in my head. I guess I need to just try to stay busy. We are filing the seperation/divorce papers this week. I know it is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a lot of contact with her too because of our son and the sale of the new house. I am hoping the date I have Thursday with a nice women will help me see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I am not talking about jumping into a new relationship, just seeing that there could be a good one, some day. This day by day thing is tough. Highs and lows are very draining. I have my son today, so that is always a high for me. Hopefully, I will not have to see or talk to her much today.

 

I am hanging in there, but it feels like such a long road! It is good to read post of people that are past all this. It has only been a little over a month since my life was turned upside down!

[jmargel]

Look up the 5 stages of grief.. It's something you are going through.

[Nomad1]

For every low you have you will get a high. At times you will feel on top of the world and you want to hang on to that feeling. You will wish you felt like that all the time. At other times you will think about what your child is going through and how unfair it all is on him. I derive great joy from being with my children, hugging them and talking to them about their day at school. Keep contact with your X to absolute minimum. When you do have to see her, be polite but firm. Enjoy your date. There are very nice women out there.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[THEBIGARC]

My 1st date with someone other than my W in 6 yrs. I am a little nervous. I hope I don't run out of things to say. I do not want to talk about what I am going through with the STBXW. We are going to a nice place right on the water, so it should be great. Wish me luck! I will let you all know how it goes with tomorrow's post! By the way, had a rough day yesterday, but I got my son last night. It was great! He makes me feel so good. He loves me so much. He is all I need to get through all of this. The STBXW is being really nice right now, but I try to cut everything short and about our son.

[THEBIGARC]

Well, that didn't work! The date last night was not that good. She was nice, but just not for me. I was uncomfortable the whole time. I was ready to leave after the salad and the STXW calls right in the middle of it. I went in the bathroom to get the call. Stupid I know! I really hate this. I am not doing well at all. The W is moving on with the OM and I am stuck here in this rut! If it wasn't for my son, I would leave everything and move away! I am just trying to make it through all of this for my son. I am going to make another appointment with my IC. I have some serious issues to work out. This is going to be my 2nd divorce in 8 yrs. I can not keep going through this. I am living a life of regret! The whole going on a date thing was a bad idea. I am not ready for that. I just wanted it because I know she is with him. Well, I am going to try to do some work! Everyday life is just not working out for me right now. Maybe I should go on a mini vaction. I just need my son so much right now. It is the only place I feel real love!

[guessjeans]

I think we all knew that you werent ready, and that your motives where driven by the fact you what to show your EX that you are moving on, but it just sets you back. I remember my first date, and I sat there the entire time wishing I was with him. I knew i wasnt ready, so I would prefer to be alone with friends and family around me, than to deal with a set back like that again.

 

I know it seems hopeless now, and all the words ppl type on here are just that, words! but remember that every pain you go through today, will be your badge of honour tomorrow, and believe it or not, you will were that badge proudly, as you know, you have come from some of the darkest times, to breathe life again.

 

Dont rush yourself. Allow yourself to feel what you do. Its ok to still love her. Its ok to feel jealous and anger everytime you think of them. Its ok what you are feeling and stop fighting it.

 

Ive seen my ex 3 times for about a total of 1 hour over the past 6 months, and absolutely, NC for the past 2 months and its manageable. We have an older son together, so he contacts our son directly, which helps alot. But i refuse to waste my time and energy on someone that doesnt want me.. My god, there are so many beautiful ppl out there looking for us, to share their lives with us.

 

Get out and do things, but keep the dating at a distance for now. It really only sets ppl back, it doesnt help get over or stop loving another.

 

You will make it..i promise you.

[THEBIGARC]

I knew I was not ready, but I just wanted to do it because my STBXW is moving along with her life. She is going a cruise with the OM in May. That is the same cruise I was booked on with her in JAN. She didn't know I went on the date last night because I don't want her throwing the OM in my face. She would do it too. I am just trying to get through this the best I can. I am just going to focus on my son and me. The STXW is being good about letting me see him a lot. I have him tomorrow. He gives me so much happyness! Well, thanks again for the reply.

[Gunny376]

There's nothing wrong with your dating ~ per say? The trick? Is to not get serious ~ and to be straight honest and up-front with the other person that your going out with ~ indeed? You should do so just to "de-brief" yourself from all of the STBXW's BS that you're this and that ~ and have all of these imaginary flaws that's in her head?

 

But just keep it on the firend level ~ just two people going out and enjoying each others company, instead of spending it alone at home watching "Andy Griffin" re-runs?

 

Speaking of Andy Griffin? When you do get back into getting serious about "getting serious?" Take it slow? Real slow? "Andy Griffin and Hellen Crump" ~ slow! There's no reason to rush?

 

As a general rule? I would be very guarded about getting serious about anyone until at least one year after the ink is dried on the divorce papers?

 

You need some "Cave" time to sort through your feelings and emotions.

 

And of course? Your DS should come first and foremost in your life? If you come across someone that can't deal with that fact? Drop her quick, fast, and in a hurry like ~ she's selfish, self-centered, and you don't need her in your life!

[Confused9]

I tried to date in January after the X splitting in October and it was awful. All I did was compare him to the X and I really didn't give him a fair shot. After seeing hi 3 times I knew I just wasn't ready. Plus, he was 30 and wasn't too excited about dating a 27 year old that didn't want to have sex. My X was the only man I slept with and I am just not very trusting and it would take a lot for me to have sex. He didn't want to wait around for that...I wasn't ready for him too so...it's over.

 

When your ready...you will know it. I really wanted it to work...not becasue I wanted it for me but I wanted the x to find out...that's how I knew I wasn't ready.

 

It didn't matter who I was dating. Just that I was...I wanted him to know. That's not fair to the new guy or myself.

 

In due time my friend...

 

Hang in there : )

[penkitten]

Why are you waiting? If the old house is hers, still give her the ultamatium. If she wants out of the marriage, then get your stuff and move into a hotel room until your house is ready.

 

This new house is not going to solve any problems, just going to make them worse. You need to act now. I've been right in your shoes.. I know that you want to try to 'work things out' but what you really need is resolution.

 

golden tip here!

[Nomad1]

I don't think that there is any objective time limit to when you can start dating. If you see dating as fun time to meet different people and go out for meals, have good wine and good conversation, then where is the problem? If you like the person you go out with, you will both want to see each other again and take it from there. It seems to me that you are glorifying a relationship that was never there in the first place. Judging by what you said, your wife used you as a long term rebound while waiting for the other man to become fully available again. It is not unreasonable to suppose that she has been seeing him all along and that they both were key factors in their respective broken marriages. This woman does not deserve your love nor grief. You can switch off completely if you allow yourself to. Most people grieve the dissolution of marriages...that is people who enter them with honesty and good intentions. It doesn't sound like your wife did. hence her total indifference to it all - maybe even contempt. I feel for you man, but you are not helping yourself. Switch her off! Here is a strategy to get over the thought of her sleeping with the other man. It has a touch of cognitive behaviour therapy about it, but it may help you. You need to flood your imagination with thoughts of her screwing the other man (may sound perverted) but imagine any kind of wild sex you had with her, but visualise the other man doing it. Then ask yourself, so what? She screwed him before you and she is doing it again....This I hope will help you become desensitised to what you perceive as negative imagery. She is a woman. He is a man. they are having sex. A perfectly natural act, given that you are no longer together. You will find another woman, but you must allow others to get to know you.

 

Turn your anger into determination to become totally indifferent to whatever she does with whomever it may be. So go on dates and enjoy yourself. Try to remain on good terms with her for the sake of your son. She will respect you for that...not that you need her respect.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[Darth Vader]

Well, the good news is she agreed to go to MC, but the bad is She has already made up her mind. She wants to be with him. She has a feeling she thinks she never had with me. So, we are going to go to MC Monday and after that we decide what next. I think I have excepted what is going to happen. At first I was trying to convince myself that she was confused and that I could win back her affections, but now have come to realize that it is over. This is going to very hard I know. I have to deal with custodity over my son. I really pissed her off last night when I suggested joint custodity. She went crazy and still is pissed at me about that one. She said something like every other weekend and a couple days a week until dark then bring him back to her. Forget that!! That is not acceptible. There is the new house issue also. She told me I could buy her out for 30K. There is no way I can pay that and still afford the mortage. So, I guess we will try to sell and just lose our butts off on it. The market is not good here right now.

I did stand up to her last though for the 1st time since this all started. I told her it was disrespectful of her to talk to this guy behind my back all the long telling me she wants to figure things out. She swore she would not talk to him until MC, but that is probably too much for her to ask of herself. She said she wished she didn't have these feelings for him. She wished she could be happy with me and our famliy, but she can't help it and she wants to feel those feelings. It is not there with me. So, after taking all of that in and being heartbroken, I have accepted it.

So, now I will move on to the next painfull part of all this. I just hope it is not drawn out too long. Only time will tell.

 

Wish me luck!! The pain inside is turning into a numbing feeling.

 

 

She wants to screw other men, and have you foot the bill! Continue going with the joint custody so then you don't have to pay child support! I would get Paternity testing done on your son, just to make sure he's yours! There's a New over the counter Paternity test out now, I've even done a Thread on it, check it out!

[THEBIGARC]

I think it is the rejection thing. I also put so much faith in the idea of forever marriage with her and my son. It is over and I accept it. I just don't want her to be happy right now! I am not happy, so why should she be? I told her yesterday that I don't want to know anything going on in her life. I am enjoying being with my son when I have him. The OM can have her. I was not happy when I was with her. I never felt like she was the one for me. I just chose her because of my son. I am going to try dating again. The last date just wasn't the right girl. I am not looking for a relationship, just companionship.

[THEBIGARC]

It seems like the quite time driving into work in the morning always gets me thinking about my STBXW. I really start to miss my life and try to think of things I could have done to save our marriage. Well, today when I got to work I took out a little notebook and started writing down all the things that were not good between us. I wrote down all the reasons we should not be together. When I compared this huge list to all of the reasons we should be together it was like compairing a novel to a newspaper cliping. Letting go of my old life is very hard, but it is the right thing for both of us. I think it is best for our son too. I am going to my counselor tomorrow. I have so many things to work out for me.