! I am a commitmentphobic

[Goodin]

I have recently realized that I am a commitmentphobic. I have read several internet articles and I have looked at some books and they all give loads of information on the symptoms, causes, effects, and case histrories but there is very little information on what to do to 'cure' this phobia. It seems like most of what I read is how to AVOID the commitmentphobic person (mostly geared towards men) before you get your heart broken. Well, I am here to admit that I am a commitmentphobic and I want to do something about it before I break another woman's heart. I am a nice guy and I don't like hurting people, and it just kills me to get a girl all worked up then freak out and break her heart. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. So I am really asking if anyone knows any materials, or has their own advice on what to do to HELP someone with commitmentphobia. I am in therapy right now and can't seem to get concrete solutions to the problem.

 

A little background on me - Male, 30, good job, fairly attractive, never married, no kids. I dated a girl 7 years older than me for about a year back and forth and she fell very much in love with me and I wanted to commit to her and we talked about marriage but when she was about to move in I freaked and said I couldnt do it, and then we proceeded an unhealthy on and off thing for awhile until she got fed up with me and told me to leave her alone. I respected her wishes. Then I had a brief dating expereience with a girl that lived 2 hours away and when it started getting serious I had to split it off to have my space....this might have also been because it was too soon after my previous relationship and I wasnt really ready to date yet. It seems like I am too picky..the first one was too old for me etc., the second one lived too far away, etc..it seems like I can't be completely happy with someone.

 

Anyway, I'll try to keep it short...would love some advice.

 

Thanks - Goodin

[confused2007]

I have recently realized that I am a commitmentphobic. I have read several internet articles and I have looked at some books and they all give loads of information on the symptoms, causes, effects, and case histrories but there is very little information on what to do to 'cure' this phobia. It seems like most of what I read is how to AVOID the commitmentphobic person (mostly geared towards men) before you get your heart broken. Well, I am here to admit that I am a commitmentphobic and I want to do something about it before I break another woman's heart. I am a nice guy and I don't like hurting people, and it just kills me to get a girl all worked up then freak out and break her heart. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. So I am really asking if anyone knows any materials, or has their own advice on what to do to HELP someone with commitmentphobia. I am in therapy right now and can't seem to get concrete solutions to the problem.

 

A little background on me - Male, 30, good job, fairly attractive, never married, no kids. I dated a girl 7 years older than me for about a year back and forth and she fell very much in love with me and I wanted to commit to her and we talked about marriage but when she was about to move in I freaked and said I couldnt do it, and then we proceeded an unhealthy on and off thing for awhile until she got fed up with me and told me to leave her alone. I respected her wishes. Then I had a brief dating expereience with a girl that lived 2 hours away and when it started getting serious I had to split it off to have my space....this might have also been because it was too soon after my previous relationship and I wasnt really ready to date yet. It seems like I am too picky..the first one was too old for me etc., the second one lived too far away, etc..it seems like I can't be completely happy with someone.

 

Anyway, I'll try to keep it short...would love some advice.

 

Thanks - Goodin

 

My opinion (Not sure if any evidence supports this) on people who are commitment-phobic, is that they were hurt so bad emotionally, usually at a younger stage of personal development, that they put up a strong guard to prevent it from happening again.

 

Again, not sure if any evidence supports this.

[amaysngrace]

Hey Goodin. I was commitment phobic for all of my life too. It does start at a young age. Somehow you get this idea about yourself and relationships in general and decide to just avoid them altogether. Because it's better to just not care. It's better just not to get that close to somebody. It is easier that way.

 

But in doing that you miss out on being happy with another. Truth is you try to convince yourself you're happy alone. You don't need somebody. You "aren't good in relationships". In actuality it is so much better when you can live without this demon.

 

I'll help you if I can.

[Goodin]

Yes Confused2007 I agree that it can be and mostly is caused by childhood experiences...for me it was an unimotional, drunk, cheating father, and dealing with my parents divorce at 16, helping my mom cope with depression and mental breakdowns from that, and my father disowning me. I know all this...like I was saying in my first post I know the causes, symptoms, etc...what I cant figure out is how to cure or at least cope with this phobia so I can have a healthy relationship and not flake out on a girl anymore. I am ready to fall in love, get married, and have a family.

 

amaysngrac I would LOVE to have your help, ideas, experiences, with how to deal with this.

 

Thanks!

[confused2007]

Yes Confused2007 I agree that it can be and mostly is caused by childhood experiences...for me it was an unimotional, drunk, cheating father, and dealing with my parents divorce at 16, helping my mom cope with depression and mental breakdowns from that, and my father disowning me. I know all this...like I was saying in my first post I know the causes, symptoms, etc...what I cant figure out is how to cure or at least cope with this phobia so I can have a healthy relationship and not flake out on a girl anymore. I am ready to fall in love, get married, and have a family.

 

amaysngrac I would LOVE to have your help, ideas, experiences, with how to deal with this.

 

Thanks!

 

Hi Goodin. I'm sorry you have had to deal with those issues. When you understand the cause it helps to find a solution. I wish I could offer you guidance from experience with this, but I have none.

 

On a different note, I am willing to bet you WILL fall in love, get married and have a family. Why? Because you wanting that is a good sign you're starting to lower your guard. I wish you success in all your future endeavors.

[amaysngrace]

for me it was an unimotional, drunk, cheating father, and dealing with my parents divorce at 16, helping my mom cope with depression and mental breakdowns from that, and my father disowning me.

 

I agree with Confused that it sounds like you got potential. You want it to be different and that's real important.

 

My biggest problem in getting close to someone was trust. I had low self esteem and really didn't feel comfortable getting close to someone. And so I looked for what was wrong with the person rather than see their goodness and it helped me push them away whenever I felt like I was getting too close. I could bail out and never look back just by focusing on what was wrong.

 

Like you said...being picky. I used it as a safeguard.

 

Do you have a girlfriend now? Or do you just not want to screw it up for next time?

[Goodin]

Thanks guys I appreciate the comments.

 

I do believe I have potential..I am making the first steps in admitting my problem with it, and realizing it is a problem to begin with, I know the root of the problem, and I know I want to change...just going from this point forward I am cloudy about. I know it will take some time and a concious effort...I just cant quite pinpoint what that "effort" is supposed to be. Learning to trust others? Trust myself that I can commit? Have faith in myself? I think that is a start I just have to get that to sink in somehow.

 

I know alot of my problems are from my parents divorce, but also I fell madly in love with a girl about 3 years ago and I actually did commit even though she was really emotionally unavailable because she was going through a divorce and said she would never marry again...but I had the rose colored glasses on. From what I have read getting involved with this woman who was emotionally unavailable was a part of my commitmentphobia because getting involved with her was a way for me not to have to REALLY commit, because she said she never wanted to marry from the gitgo. Anyways, it was an LDR for a year and then I moved 3 hours to be with her, and she never was really there with the relationship, and 6 months later i got fed up and moved back. Then 3 weeks later she gets married to an old boyfriend. So anyway...I think that had a serious emotional scar on me that I have tried to deny but every since then I can't commit to a girl. I am not sure I am capable of fully loving and trusting a girl since then.

 

No I am single right now. I just got out of a 1 year toxic relationship with a girl who was very much in love with me but the thought of moving in and marrying her made me panic so I had to let her go, eventually, after much termoil. Then I thought I was over that and tried to date another girl and as soon as it got like it could get serious I had to back it off (this was partly due to not really being over my last relationship though).

 

I know I need to take a break from dating for awhile, at least a few months until I get my head back on straight. I have been clinically depressed for about a year now and I am working through that and also trying to build back my self esteem and self confidence back.

[sedona]

Don't know what books you've read, but try the books by cowritten by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I've read two of them. "He's Scared, She's Scared" describes the problem, but you're right - it doens't give a solution, although the last chapter gives some emergency advice for those people who are in a relationship at the time of reading. "Getting to Commitment" offers a solution, but I warn you, it's not easy and takes time. I personally think that you can't do it alone because you're trapped inside your own head and patterns. A good counselor could help you, especially if they've worked with this type of problem before and you have a good rapport.

 

It's not a problem that will just go away, and you really need to deal with it before you meet the next "love of your life" who you fall head over heels in love with, but then proceed to withdraw from and hurt as soon as she falls in love with you and you have proof that you have what you thought you wanted. Please do something, don't just pay it lip service. It's not enough to want to change, even though that's the necessary first step. You also have to do the work and make yourself change to really become the person you want to be. This is coming from the partner of a commitmentphobic man. Please concentrate on helping yourself get over your commitment issues before you start a new relationship. The most hurtful thing you can ever do to a person is gain their trust and love and hopes for the future, and then withdraw everything, leaving them alone and cold and bewildered.

[The Studmuffin]

From what I have read getting involved with this woman who was emotionally unavailable was a part of my commitmentphobia because getting involved with her was a way for me not to have to REALLY commit, because she said she never wanted to marry from the gitgo.

 

this is a good point.

 

you also said:

It seems like I am too picky..the first one was too old for me etc., the second one lived too far away, etc..it seems like I can't be completely happy with someone.

 

this rings a bell within me. this is something i recognize. i believe that, even though we think we fall in love completely by accident and have nothing to do with choosing who it actually is, we subconcsiously know what we're getting into. and for us, that have a problem of intimacy/commitment, we tend to pick people that are far away / emotionally unavailable / leaving soon / involved with somebody else or in some other ways not smart picks if we're actually looking for a relationship.

 

for me it was getting into relationships when i was abroad, not at home, which obviously didn't lead to anything. but at that time in my life it was fine, i wouldn't have wanted any more intimacy. but now i have to stop myself and take a look at who i'm actually getting involved with, and ask myself "what potential to become a healthy relationship does this thing actually have?"

 

so, you ask for pointers on how to work on this, well here's my two cents. pay attention to who you get involved with. try maybe picking an emotionally healthy person, but still somebody not to intense.. meaning that they wont drown you in their love, if you know what i mean. and maybe, even though you may be looking for a serious relationship, you might want to take it slower.. start by dating somebody not looking for children and a lifetime commitment, just so that you can have time and space to work on your issues, and not dissapoint them.

 

most importantly, when the relationship is starting, stop to take a look at what your doing - what it is you're (mostly) subconciously getting into.

 

but for my part, i have touch of that problem, and i'll be following this thread curiously

[amaysngrace]

I know it will take some time and a concious effort...I just cant quite pinpoint what that "effort" is supposed to be. Learning to trust others? Trust myself that I can commit? Have faith in myself? I think that is a start I just have to get that to sink in somehow.

 

Hey again. I think it's threefold...lack of commitment, lack of trust and lack of esteem. They all go hand in hand IMO.

 

The first thing to do when the time is right is find yourself someone who is suitable. Someone you can see yourself with in five years from now, or ten. Someone who adds to your life because you enjoy who they are. This way you won't be able to dismiss them as the failure of the relationship as easily when you set the bar higher to begin with. But first things first. You need to believe you are making a good choice in choosing them. If you know they aren't good for you from the beginning then when it becomes to a point where you want more you will have a conflict within yourself because they weren't right before. Like the married girl. You knew what to expect. You knew where you stood. And you were cool with it. Until she wanted more. Then you had a problem with her being herself. So you pushed her away. I think it's because you knew all she could ever be to you. When that changed it caused you to have self-doubt about yourself. So the chaos began. And rather than face it you pushed away in true commitment phobic fashion.

 

The less problems you see with the person going in will make it more difficult to just run away when you want to. So you will have to hang in there more and get to the root of your problem. Finally. But if you go in full well knowing there is a million things wrong with them that you could use against them down the road then they aren't someone who you will grow with.

 

I think when you choose someone who you know is good for you it also helps you to believe in yourself more, trust in yourself more. Because it helps to eliminate the self-doubts that you have.

 

But it's work. Relationships are work. It's easier to bail out. It's harder to stick it out and work it through. But anything worth having is worth working hard for.

[City_girl]

Have you thought of just being honest with the next one? IMHO it will help if not heal the situation. Tell her that you have anxieties around commitment but if you love her also tell her that and that you do not plan to leave her. Most mature women will accept that and either stay or go. This way you are both on the same page and you may be pleasantly surprised , the right one will stay but only if you communicate with her always.

 

Women can go throught this and don't forget it's a problem that begets a problem. If you know you aren't potentially turning women into commitment phobes by breaking their hearts you will start to feel better about yourself. Trust me a man who communicates honestly and openly with empathy will never be a regret for a woman, no matter what the outcome.

 

Your doing a wonderful thing by admitting your issues

[backspn]

Sometimes you just have to be mature and get over it. I am dating a woman, 35, who I am sure wont commit. She is everything Im looking for in a woman. We recently had the "friends" talk after 3 months of dating. If you dont get over it soon you will miss out on the one you are meant for and your one true love. I have been hurt in the past too but I dont use it as a excuse not to get my heart broken again. Too old, too young, they are all excuses to keep your heart in tact. Until you have real heartbreak, you wont ever find true love because you wont know what it feels like.

 

Just MHO.