Should I settle?

[xxkiwihoneyxx]

Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of getting married and having a family with Mr. Right. I have always wanted to be a Mum. Yet somehow life hasn't worked out that way. I'm turning 32 this year, I am still single and I feel overcome with a sense of dread and panic.

 

I never thought that being a 30's something single woman worrying about the seeming lack of men would ever happen to me. When I was in my 20's it seemed like there were loads of great single guys and there was no rush. Now many of my friends (including all those great guys) are married, leaving a surplus of single 30 something women who are pitied and disliked. Somehow I ended up being one of them, one of the many desperate to hide our growing desperation.

 

I've spent some time beating myself up for past mistakes and failures and feeling down, but now I realise I just have to look forward and make finding a good relationship my top priority. I am getting out there and dating and really making an effort. The problem is it seems there are so many less men to choose from. I just don't understand how this is, given there are roughly 50:50 men and women on this planet! Where did all the men go?

 

Or is it just that all the good men were snapped up by smarter women when I was younger? Now the men who are in the dating field are much less interested in me now I am older or don't seem like appropriate partners or truly available for relationships. Often the reasons they are still single are reasons why I wouldn't want to marry them either - serious workaholics, commitment issues, don't want children, lives on the other side of the world, problems with addictions, serious financial problems, love being bachelors/players....etc. Or is it that I am losing my looks? The men without obvious issues just seem disinterested in women my age and chase after younger women in their 20's.

 

Men falling into the above categories are obviously not right for me - either totally unsuitable as a life partner/parent or not into me (so I have to just let it go). They grey area and the problem comes up with guys who are, well, kind of OK. I have never been a superficial person - character and heart are the most important qualities to me, not looks, money or status. But what about men who don't have the fatal flaws listed above and I think they're OK and would be alright husbands ....but I'm not that attracted to them? I feel so pressured because I feel like I have to either marry someone I am not in love with or don't even particularly like or risk being alone and childless. Now that invitations are drying up in my early 30's that is not just a theoretical risk but seems like a very real possibility, only getting worse with it getting harder and harder to find someone as the years pass.

 

What I'm asking is - have I missed the boat? Now I'm older, do I have to settle? Have I been left on the shelf? Shall I just give up? I would really just like some practical and honest advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a hard time believing that anyone is going to advise you to "settle" for someone you don't love, admire, respect or like just so you can get a sperm donor to populate your middle decades with children. Doesn't make sense on any level.

 

But I wonder how honest you're being when you say this:

character and heart are the most important qualities to me, not looks, money or status.

A lot of women (and men) pay lip service to that concept but somehow guys don't hit their radar unless they look like a male model and spend like Donald Trump. Are you honestly open to men whose main qualities are their character and heart? Because they're out there, but not at the local hot spot, new club or movie premiere. Instead, they're teaching 2nd grade at the local school. Or they own the sandwich shop around the corner.

 

You just have to look a little harder...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cobra_X30]

They grey area and the problem comes up with guys who are, well, kind of OK. I have never been a superficial person - character and heart are the most important qualities to me, not looks, money or status. But what about men who don't have the fatal flaws listed above and I think they're OK and would be alright husbands ....but I'm not that attracted to them?

 

This section creeps me out a bit. Honestly, as a guy I get that spider sense that says danger... avoid this woman for anything serious. I think any guy your age has the experience to see that too.

 

So, what do you find attractive?

[Letranger]

 

I've spent some time beating myself up for past mistakes and failures and feeling down, but now I realise I just have to look forward and make finding a good relationship my top priority.

 

Don't beat yourself up regarding your past mistakes. You made the best decisions you could given the information and experience you had at the time, unless you had a real moral lapse, which I doubt you did.