will i ever be over him?

[traveller991]

Maybe it's the Baptist thing. I was raised in a church which was made up by a guy called Bud who had been saved while milking the cow. Apparently the force of his salvation was so strong it threw him right off the milking stool.

 

He started a church in his living room called the Missionary Baptist Church of Langley. He drew the flames of Hell in orange chalk on the blackboard. We had testimony every Wednesday (I was 8, I used to make up the most heinous sins just to keep them happy) and was baptized in a tank of unheated well water in the middle of January.

 

I often wonder if those experiences warped me somehow but anyway more later if anyone wants to chat - I am now addicted to this site and I have to stop before I nearly lose my business for the second time in 14 years!!

[Goodin]

Hey Sedg - It sounds like your ex has an overly inflated ego if he dumped you simply because you arent a musician, and more specifically a fiddle player. That is just rediculous! I am going to find him and kick his arse! I feel alot like your ex though because I guess I too had an inflated ego and thought I could do better...its good for me to read these threads so I can see that.

 

I am cracking up over the subject of your book! Never heard anyone say "save me FROM Jesus"! haha. Sounds like a good read...are you going to publish it?

 

Never heard of Half Man Half Biscuit...I will have to look them up;)

 

Hey dfreemn - I should definetly take advice from you....maybe it is something in a man in his late 20's and egos and commitment phobia I dunno.

 

I have been talking to my ex in email the last hour, and she said that she has moved on for now and the door is closed for the foreseable future. I take it that means she is serious with the new guy now. I am crying inside;( This sucks.

 

Sedge, hopefully your man is feeling about you the way I do about my ex.

[dfreeman]

So, was it worth losing her not to have to commit? Do you feel you made the right decision?

 

...but it was the right thing to do at the time. I knew she wanted more than I was willing to give, so I felt s#!tty holding onto her.

 

That said, it was definitely NOT the right decision for me and my future. I still have not had a woman look at me or love me the way she did. This became even more painful as the years passed by and I realized that it wasn't just some fantasy my brain cooked up because I couldn't have her at the time. That doesn't mean that a better partner isn't in my future, but to this point - She was one of two woman (the other died of breast cancer 5 years ago), that are in my spirit for keeps!

[Goodin]

help me out dfreeman - i am in much pain right now...I am in the EXACT situation you were in in your late 20's....I let go a girl that was very much in love with me because it was the right thing to do because I couldnt commit to her...now she is in a new relationship i JUST found out 10 minutes ago...and I am kinda freaking out....

 

Just want your advice, expereiences...do you regret leaving her?

 

Sorry for stealing yer thread sedge....I will get back to you later when I get home!

[marianne62]

Goodin, you broke up with her and you still love her! What is it with men who dump amazing women because they can't commit? I honestly was never a better gf in my life than I was to my ex. Ever. And he left because he thought he could do better. It just kills me every day wondering if he still has even the tiniest bit of love in his heart for me.

 

Hi Sedgwick....I have read your posts and first want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I've been where you're at before (haven't we all) and I do believe it gets better. I don't even think of the guys anymore that I wasted so many tears and emotions on.

 

I wanted to ask you a question....I've noticed that you've mentioned that you were an excellent girlfriend and he still thought he could do better. My question for you is....do you feel that you put him and his needs above your own?

 

Do you feel, looking back on the relationship, that you were more the giver and he the taker? I ask this because, I've been doing some reading on women and self-esteem and how most of us women give all of ourselves to our men and that, in the end, this is never appreciated by the person we love.

 

I know I did this when I was younger (I'm now 45) and the men always ended up leaving. I was kind, loyal, truly cared for them, but looking back, I realize that there were many things that I put up with instead of speaking my mind, many times I put them first and me second. I don't do that anymore, and not only do I like myself better, but find that my partner is a lot more respectful of me, because he knows there are things I will do for him and things I won't....he knows there are lines that he should not cross. The boundary thing.

 

This does not mean that I won't be dumped again, but I feel now, that if I was left, that I could at least know that I did not give everything of myself so that when he walks, he doesn't take me with him. That is sometimes the problem. In a relationship, we give soooo much of ourselves, that we exist only because of the man, so when he's gone, so are we. Not sure if I'm making sense on this, but I do notice young women doing this. My niece is 24 and she and her girlfriends do seem to have their lives revolve around the men they are with and I know I did this as well.

 

I am not talking about being mean and b***hy in a relationship, but I am talking about loving ourselves more than we love them. Letting them know, when we are in a relationship, that they are not our world and that we, as women, value ourselves more than we value the relationship we are in. I think that kind of attitude makes someone respect you more.

 

Again, I do not know if you did these things, that's why I was asking the question. Please know that my heart goes out to you....like I said before, been there, done that. It will take time, but I know you'll get over him.

 

Take care.

[sedgwick]

I am cracking up over the subject of your book! Never heard anyone say "save me FROM Jesus"! haha. Sounds like a good read...are you going to publish it?

 

It was purchased by a major publisher last June, turned in Jan 7, is now being edited, and will be on shelves this time next year. I sold it two weeks before he dumped me. I called him to tell him and he said, "I'm so f*cking proud of you, baby! I'm coming home and we're going to celebrate!"

 

"Celebrate" apparently meant "I'm going to break your heart and leave you to write the book in spite of my having torn you to shreds." My agent signed two people in 2006, my publisher bought two memoirs in 2007, this was absolutely done against impossible odds. My life dream came true. I got the publisher I fantasized about, the one I wanted more than anything. And do you know what I did the day I turned it in? Cried because it wasn't fiddle music and therefore wasn't good enough. Cried because I had told him the date it was due and he didn't even acknowledge it. Pretty much just cried. Stayed in bed in my pajamas all day beating myself up for not being a musician.

Edited February 27, 2008 by sedgwick

[traveller991]

Do you wonder if he was intimidated by you? I have had two male friends tell me that I am intimidating to men. Not by my actions but by my status. They think this is also the reason for my recent breakup.

 

Apparently when a man is with a woman who can buy and sell him ten times over and has accomplished a lot in life it does something to their egos and they stop wanting sex (from the woman they're with, at least) and try to put the woman down in order to make them feel better about themselves. Maybe he just couldn't stand that you were embarking on something that would make his fiddle playing pale by comparison.

 

I wonder if he really thought about how he could compete with a published author and was jealous of your success. When I sold a story to the CBC which was read on the Hornby Collection I started having trouble with the relationship I was in. He started "editing" my stories and giving me "advice" about plots, etc. We didn't last long after I had sold a few more things.

 

Just a thought.

[dfreeman]

Hey dfreemn - I should definetly take advice from you....maybe it is something in a man in his late 20's and egos and commitment phobia I dunno.

 

That will help for next time around, but I think you should take care of this one first. Make sure that you can see that a mistake can recognized, but chances to go back and fix one are very rare.

 

Be sure to forgive yourself and not let it happen again. As far as sedgwick goes (and it IS her thread), she can at least take some comfort in knowing that dummies like us don't get off with a free lunch!

[dfreeman]

help me out dfreeman - i am in much pain right now...I am in the EXACT situation you were in in your late 20's....I let go a girl that was very much in love with me because it was the right thing to do because I couldnt commit to her...now she is in a new relationship i JUST found out 10 minutes ago...and I am kinda freaking out....

 

Just want your advice, expereiences...do you regret leaving her?

 

Hi Goodin,

 

I am very sorry to inform you that my experience was far from a pleasant one (and most of my friends consider me to be very strong at heart). If you just found out that she is seeing someone, you better get in the company of a very good friend real soon - it is gonna hurt like hell for while, but it will pass.

 

Don't let it make you do things you normally wouldn't do (stalking, spying, prying, begging) - this is the fast-track to getting shut out of somebody's life forever! I'll give you the rundown in order of mistakes I made...

 

1. My first reaction was to turn on the old charm and try to undo the immediate damage ... dumb thought - she had already gotten over me.
   
2. Then I figured she just didn't know that I would change/commit ... dumber thought - she had gotten over me more than I even knew.
   
3. Then, I cashed in almost all of my "friendship" tokens to set up meetings with her to talk about us getting back together forever ... can you picture a very desperate man NOT listening to a progressively more annoyed woman?
   
4. After two attempts at getting her back, I was smart enough to honor her answer and convinced her that I would not sacrifice our friendship over further attempts to get her back...to this day, I have not.
   
5. Then, the floor fell out on me - I became depressed, isolated, bored my friends, was afraid to drink alcohol and party, and sought therapy...etc,
    
   

 

It took me years to forgive myself, but I was finally able to see with pride that I let her be free to be with someone better for her - oddly enough, I felt very good about that part? I also learned to trust what I was feeling at the time and realize that I never would have left such a beautiful woman if there still wasn't something missing for me.

 

If you can take a look at my list and not make mistakes that I made (for god sakes, listen to her when she talks to you and forget about how much she used to love you), maybe you can have a step up on me, but be careful not to let her consume you - all my gorgeous cocktail-waitress friends used to tell me how hot of a catch I was at 30 and I just ignored them for about three years

[Goodin]

Thanks dfreeman....that is very good advice for me. I am so glad to have it right now from a man who has been there...exactly what I need.

 

I have had plenty of opportunities to commit to her and I tried my damnedest...jerking her back and forth and back and forth, until I realized I had to stop...for HER sake. Now I don't have any more chances with her! I feel like such an idiot for letting her go, I know it will be hard to find someone that treated me that good. At this point I have no choice but to let her go. So your advice really helps...I do need to just leave her alone at this point.

 

Geez I have been crying for like 2hours now, I feel like I want to die, ugh...I honestly dont think I will ever get over her though...and I just think of her having sex with someone else and it drives me crazy. yeah I need to move on and not obsess about her anymore...I have people tell me how hot of a catch I am too, at 29. Just cant seem to keep em in the boat!

 

Ok sedge, I will quit hijacking your thread now but I hope you do find comfort in my misery over the girl that was so great that I dumped. I hope your ex feels the same way...if not he is a jerk!

 

I would love to read your book when it comes out...it sounds very interesting, and probably funny!?

[sedgwick]

I also learned to trust what I was feeling at the time and realize that I never would have left such a beautiful woman if there still wasn't something missing for me.

 

So did you end up doing better, and being glad you dumped her? What was it that was missing? What did you need her to give you that she wasn't giving? What was wrong with her?

[heartoutside]

It was purchased by a major publisher last June, turned in Jan 7, is now being edited, and will be on shelves this time next year. I sold it two weeks before he dumped me. I called him to tell him and he said, "I'm so f*cking proud of you, baby! I'm coming home and we're going to celebrate!"

 

I have to agree with traveller. As soon as I read this paragraph you wrote, the first thought that pop'd in my head instantly was, "maybe this guy really felt she was just TOO good for him!" That he could never compete with that. And I by no means mean that in a bad way.

 

He was/is someone who is cut from the same cloth as you so to speak, an artist who dreams of that art being a true success. And even though he goes out on tour and has Cd release parties, etc etc. he's hasn't been picked up by a major label or the such.

 

Now this may not be the case. But I do think there are 2 sides to every coin, and in situations like this (a horrible break up), we all seem to look at the darker side. I know I did. So you may see it as him not wanting to be with you because you aren't a musician, but maybe there's another side that has nothing to do with that all, something that is all HIM?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, the plight of a broken heart...I can't believe that one can stay broken hearted for so long. I've been feeling this way for a year and 6 months. Do you want to know the most embarrassing part? The man that I love is gay...nobody knew this, though. He is not stereotypically gay and flamboyant. Anyway, it is horrible to think that the man that I love with literally all my heart will never be able to reciprocate it. All of this time, he has led me on a string...for so long. I just feel so heart sick. I don't mean to complain, but how does one get over a broken heart? Will I ever feel better again?

 

He is the first man that ever paid attention to me. The first to ever love me, whether that not be in a romantic way. He is the first to ever really spend time with me. He took me out, he would sit in the car with me for hours, talking to me and listening to music with me. He told me he wanted to marry me someday.

 

I'm not obsessed. I am not going to bother him. He still contacts me, but I know I can never be friends with him. It hurts too much. I feel so horrible.

Edited February 28, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx

[dfreeman]

So did you end up doing better, and being glad you dumped her? What was it that was missing? What did you need her to give you that she wasn't giving? What was wrong with her?

 

 

To be perfectly honest, I am not sure if i will get to be that lucky twice?

 

I never quite figured out what was missing either - I guess that's why I spent so much time regretting that break up. I chalk most of it up to being young, dumb and a little arrogant? Might sound a little weird, but I sometimes think that by breaking her heart, I jinxed myself from having a good loving relationship in the future.

[prisonbreak]

Sed- OMG I am just loving guitar! Thank you thank you thank you for the motivation. Actually, it's was more then motivation cause I didn't even know what it was I WANTED to do. But thank you. I practice everyday and I sound horrible but it's so much fun. How's the banjo going?

[sedgwick]

prisonbreak! HELLLL YEEEAAHHH!!!!!!!!! oh my god i am so happy for you! that made my day!

 

i'm not banjo-ing, i'm going nuts trying to edit this book and be in this dance company and write all these grants and proposals for the next project...plus i have knitting commissions stacked up...gahhh!

 

but i'm sooo happy for you! there's good stuff happening on this end too but it's not going to happen if i don't GET TO WORK!

 

*goes off to try to build website overnight*

[sedgwick]

Might sound a little weird, but I sometimes think that by breaking her heart, I jinxed myself from having a good loving relationship in the future.

 

At least you thought about her feelings. I have a feeling my ex is off somewhere happy as a clam not caring one bit that he broke my heart. He seemed quite shocked that I didn't understand "things change." He even said, "You'll find someone else." That hurt so much -- knowing it wouldn't bother him one bit if I was with another guy.

Edited February 28, 2008 by sedgwick

[dfreeman]

At least you thought about her feelings. I have a feeling my ex is off somewhere happy as a clam not caring one bit that he broke my heart. He seemed quite shocked that I didn't understand "things change." He even said, "You'll find someone else." That hurt so much -- knowing it wouldn't bother him one bit if I was with another guy.

 

You might not have read my original story about this woman, but I did run around happy and partying with other girls for about 6 months. I did care about her feelings though, but she is a strong woman and was busy fixing herself (so I really didn't have to see too much pain).

 

That's just it - I didn't really care about her feelings at the time I broke up with her. The whole point of my story is that although I didn't pay the price in the beginning, I paid ten-fold down the road. As much as you don't want to admit it at the time, I took a great woman for granted and have yet to find one that makes me glad I pushed her aside

[sedgwick]

Thanks Dfreeman and Goodin, you guys are a big help. This is just so ridiculous. It's so hard for me to accept that he wants nothing to do with me, doesn't want me in his life at all. Sometimes I just want to call him and say, "I love you. I'll always love you. You can ignore me all you want, but you can't ignore that I'm out here loving you unconditionally." I fight with myself every day, telling myself he knows that, I don't have to tell him again. He knows how to reach me. I'll have no self-respect if I chase him.

 

This just sucks. My heart aches for him every second, but I love him so much I want to give him whatever he needs, and if he needs to not know me, okay. I keep trying to convince myself that I won't be easy to replace, but my self-esteem is in the gutter. The person I most want to talk to is totally ignoring me. It makes me feel so worthless.

[Islander]

Hey,

 

First of, dont blame yourself, thinking that you did something wrong. Its not a good thing to do. Dont even touch that subject!

 

I've gone through a break up the last 6 weeks and its been ups and downs. Some days the sun shines and so does my smile, and some days it rains and im day dreaming of her. Unfortunetley, the only thing you can do is give it time. Time is the greatest healer, but damn it, its slow!

 

I was the same as you, gave it all and lost it all. I wouldnt say he hates you, maybe he in his own way is trying NC. Why he left you...I really don't know spontanious leavers, i've had them happen to me too.

 

I cant really say what he is thinking, i've never been a dumper. It hurts, we are stuipd humans who suck, but just remember that its a good thing to feel this hurt.

 

Take it easy.

[paladin1]

Sedg... first, I feel for what you're going through. Maybe I can shed a little light on this from a guys perspective... one who did something similar in the past. When I was younger (ok so I'm 33 now; heh...make myself sound so old), I had a tumultous relationship with a lady I thought I loved. On again, off again, thought she was my ideal woman. During one of our many breakups; I met a wonderful woman. She had a great career with a non-profit organization, was active in sports, volunteered.... she treated me like a god. She worked hard to find out and do things I liked sexually; she gave me space when I needed it, and was supportive in every way. I cannot honestly think of one thing she did wrong in our relationship. Except she wasn't "her", my "ideal". After 7 months of dating, we were apart for a week due to her job. I walked away, without an explanation, didn't return calls, etc. Why? Because she wasn't the "ideal girl" I thought I loved... there was no other reason. She was a wonderful woman in every way; but...and here's the truth... you can never live up to the picture of an unrealistic ideal. No matter how perfect you are. In my case, it had a somewhat happy ending.... 6 months later, after a time of figuring out what I had done; I wrote her and told her that I was sorry for what I had done, and that it was wrong. I told her I did not expect her forgiveness, but wanted her to know that I had realized what I had done was immature and was a poor way to treat others. Know what? She was perfect enough to forgive me. We have been friends since. I guess the moral of the story is...there is nothing she could have done at the time, and no way despite how perfect she was, that I would have stayed with her. Not because of her, but because of me. The hardest truth I'm learning in my breakup now is that no matter how hard we try, or how "perfect" we are...we can't fix other people. Sometimes despite it all there is something "broken" in them, some percieved "Ideal" (fiddle player woman?) that they are searching for...that you can do NOTHING about...no matter how perfect you are. Sometimes, like me, we wake up...sometimes they never do. I hope yours wakes up to what he lost; be aware though that that is something he has to do for himself...and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you or what you are.

[sedgwick]

Thank you Paladin. This is just so hard. I don't understand it. The one and only time I've just gathered all my stuff and left was with a guy I found out had been feeding me some major lies. I had a direct and obvious reason to get away from him, and he knew it. He freaked out and called me and came knocking at my door trying to get me back, and I ignored him, but that was because I was scared of him. I can't imagine walking out of something really good and completely blocking that person out of my life.

 

As the months go by, I'm slowly coming to realize that it really was about him. He was incredibly sleep-deprived and emaciated because a) he toured 8 months out of the year and b) even when he did come home he couldn't stop playing music. He was always sick. He lost a lot of hair in the time I knew him. He dumped me the day he went on tour for three months. He told me he felt that when he wasn't on the road with his band, he felt he needed to be on the road playing the music he loved.

 

I feel now that most of the reason he dumped me is because I took time away from music. Music was the other woman. That's why he needed his woman to be a musician -- if she was, he could keep playing music even when he was with her.

 

I am remembering him without his faults. It is absolutely horrible to be with someone who is killing himself by choice, and giving up his human relationships to do so. He's running from something, and he was already running when I met him. He is a wonderful, beautiful, amazing person. I felt an instant connection with him, and it's tempting to say I never felt that with anyone else in my life. But the truth is that one time I did. It was 13 years ago, and I was in love with him for a good five years afterwards (though I did date other people.) I felt it with the four best friends I've ever had: the minute I met them, I had a sense that we would be friends forever, and all of them have been in my life for 10 to 20 years now. I love all of them deeply. So I am capable of falling in love at first sight, even if it's on a non-sexual level. I have before, and I probably will again. I have an interesting life and I meet a lot of cool people.

 

I do truly love him, though, and if he were capable of settling down, I'd be thrilled to settle down with him. But in the meantime, I know he has to remember that I was a great girlfriend. He even said, on a few occasions, "You're so good to me." I loved him, we had what he swore every time was the best sex he ever had (could have been lying about that, but I know who else he's slept with and I'm pretty sure he wasn't), I treated him great, I wasn't bitchy about him running off to play music. But in the end I think he chose music over me, and he personified music in the form of a girl who's a musician.