Compromise in relationships

[reservoirdog1]

In the midst of the recent challenges in my relationship with my GF, I had a bit of a revelation on the weekend.

 

A good friend of mine said at one point a couple of years ago, when we were both single and looking, that we should never "settle". Specifically, don't settle for a relationship with a woman that isn't everything you need, or in which there's something about her that isn't to your liking. His view was that we needed to tell ourselves that we are entitled to expect nothing but the best, that each of us was worth it and didn't deserve to compromise for anything less. All of that sounded pretty good, in theory at least.

 

I've noticed that he's also been single for five years. And that he's told me a few times that he finds it annoying that it's so hard to find "great women" out there, i.e. women that meet his ideal in every way. (That's the revelation, BTW.)

 

And it's started me wondering if people who hold those kind of views just end up dying alone.

 

Magazines like Maxim would have us believe that his view is the one we should all have (guys, anyway). And ours is, after all, the culture of entitlement. As "predicted" in The Onion, the soldiers who returned from WWII did indeed manage to spawn the whiniest generation ever. And each successive generation got whinier. I remember something that Bill Gates wrote a few years ago, telling today's young people that there's nothing about flipping burgers for a summer, or a year, that's beneath them. Everybody has to start somewhere, and the world doesn't owe every newly minted college undergrad a job -- much less a $75K a year job. Try $40K, if you're lucky.

 

This got me thinking about compromise. And the simple fact seems to be that relationships require it. Sometimes, a lot of it. It's about the only way to function when you're sharing your life with another person, an individual with their own background, experiences, goals and dreams. And anybody who says they've found a relationship with their physically ideal partner in which they don't have to compromise anything, they get to do exactly what they want, when they want, and still have mindblowing sex with that partner, is either (a) deluded as to how happy their partner is in the relationship, or (b) full of shyt.

 

Compromise doesn't mean we simply roll over and always give up our own wants and needs for those of our partner. It doesn't mean that we fundamentally alter who we are for somebody else's benefit. And it doesn't mean that we simply accept unhappiness as a necessary component of being in a relationship. Some relationships just aren't meant to be, or can't work. But we do need to accept the reality and the necessity of some compromise, in order to have a lasting relationship.

 

These are just my thoughts, and I'm not asking a specific question. I'd be delighted to hear anybody else's thoughts.

[amymarieca]

I was just watching an episode of Sex and the City that dealt with exactly this. I believe that you do have to compromise in a relationship. No two people are the same. Relationships take work.

 

I think it is wrong though, to compromise your morals and beliefs and totally change yourself as a person. I guess I am basically just agreeing with your comment!

[OpenBook]

I agree. No matter who you end up with, you have to compromise with that person if you want a successful relationship. The trick is to find someone whom you wouldn't mind compromising for. And compromising is an art that requires good negotiating skills, which many of us (including me) do not possess. I wish they taught negotiation as a required course in high school. It's such a valuable skill.

[Woggle]

Nothing is ever perfect but a person should have high standards for who they commit themselves to.

[Taramere]

In the midst of the recent challenges in my relationship with my GF, I had a bit of a revelation on the weekend.

 

A good friend of mine said at one point a couple of years ago, when we were both single and looking, that we should never "settle". Specifically, don't settle for a relationship with a woman that isn't everything you need, or in which there's something about her that isn't to your liking. His view was that we needed to tell ourselves that we are entitled to expect nothing but the best, that each of us was worth it and didn't deserve to compromise for anything less. All of that sounded pretty good, in theory at least.

 

I don't think it sounds good even in theory.

 

Unfortunately lack of humility, and a lifetime of being spoiled/ludicrously over-rated by doting parents often prevents the "I deserve, I expect, I want, I need...." screechers from recognising (or caring) that they themselves bring very little to the table.

 

Bring back the birch.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't think it sounds good even in theory.

 

Unfortunately lack of humility, and a lifetime of being spoiled/ludicrously over-rated by doting parents often prevents the "I deserve, I expect, I want, I need...." screechers from recognising (or caring) that they themselves bring very little to the table.

 

What's totally ironic about this friend of mine is that he never knew his dad, grew up poor and abused in another country, his mother didn't care about him and died when he was a teenager. He built himself up and brings in a good income, he's a well-spoken, educated, charismatic, good-looking guy. Totally self-made. He was married for a number of years and has a 5-year-old daughter from that marriage. And yet, he seems to be finding (though I doubt he'd admit it yet) that his standards are too exacting to do him any long-term good in the real world.

 

Bring back the birch.

 

Que?

[Taramere]

What's totally ironic about this friend of mine is that he never knew his dad, grew up poor and abused in another country, his mother didn't care about him and died when he was a teenager. He built himself up and brings in a good income, he's a well-spoken, educated, charismatic, good-looking guy. Totally self-made. He was married for a number of years and has a 5-year-old daughter from that marriage. And yet, he seems to be finding (though I doubt he'd admit it yet) that his standards are too exacting to do him any long-term good in the real world.

 

 

 

Que?

 

birching is an outlawed form of punishment.

 

 

Maybe some of the difficulties in your friend's childhood left him feeling that if he's going to take the big emotional risk of trusting someone, there has to be a spectacular reward. The woman who is perfect in every way - which nobody can ever be.

 

I hear what you're saying about the looks, income etc, but ultimately those things are just girlfriend bait. What makes a relationship actually work? The ability to love, the desire to make another person (rather than just oneself) happy and the willingness to compromise are pretty vital. Is there a chance that your friend believes his material and visual assets preclude him from having to bring those less tangible qualities to the table? The refusal to compromise suggests he maybe does believe that.

[OldEurope]

I say go for high standards. If you are following them, someone else is too.

 

I married in my mid 30s and I had always wanted to do "better" than I had in the past, and I found an ideal partner, a superb man....

 

But all along I was also working on "me"---being my most physically attractive, well read, well spoken, internationally minded, deeply interested in things, and having a sense of purpose in life that was just not so sharply defined earlier.

 

Having high standards does not mean being an uppity snit. It is simply a matter of wanting to identify with the right person on the right level.

 

Compromise in a relationship in terms of the day to day give and take is another thing. The best way to deal with this is a) a sense of the big picture and b) a great sense of humor.

 

xo

OE

[Tomcat33]

I say go for high standards. If you are following them, someone else is too.

 

But all along I was also working on "me"---being my most physically attractive, well read, well spoken, internationally minded, deeply interested in things, and having a sense of purpose in life that was just not so sharply defined earlier.

 

Having high standards does not mean being an uppity snit. It is simply a matter of wanting to identify with the right person on the right level.

 

.

 

xo

OE

 

 

I TOTALLY agree with this. In particular the cultivating of the self that happens in between relationships part, it is fundamental.

 

We as humans are a work in progress and every relationship that we engage in teaches us things about ourselves and sheds light into who we really are. It molds us into the types of human beings we evolve into. I'd be more concerned with a person who has been single for very long extendeds periods of time, or who has never been in a long term relationship that to me denotes a HUGE red flag. But having had relationships that were not the exact "one" is not so alarming to me, neither is wanting to find the perfect fit for yourself. Not the perfect person, but the perfect fit. A perfect fit includes the negatives as well as the postiive but the negatives are usually outweighed by the postives, it is a balance, that ideal balance that makes the chemistry between two individuals irresistible.

 

For some people that takes time to find, the more you know about yourself the better you can match yourself, I believe. But you have to try, you can't cut yourself off from everyone hoping for the perfect match to show up because then your experience is limited. You can't win anything if you don't risk.

[OldEurope]

 

We as humans are a work in progress and every relationship that we engage in teaches us things about ourselves and sheds light into who we really are. It molds us into the types of human beings we evolve into. I'd be more concerned with a person who has been single for very long extendeds periods of time, or who has never been in a long term relationship that to me denotes a HUGE red flag. But having had relationships that were not the exact "one" is not so alarming to me, neither is wanting to find the perfect fit for yourself. Not the perfect person, but the perfect fit. A perfect fit includes the negatives as well as the postiive but the negatives are usually outweighed by the postives, it is a balance, that ideal balance that makes the chemistry between two individuals irresistible.

 

This is very well said...absolutely...

 

 

OE

[blackbird]

I don't know if the word 'compromise' sits well with me, as the connotation in my mind is of settling for a medium between conflicting viewpoints, whereas I prefer to think of it as mutual growth. Not settling for less than what you wanted while still wanting more than what you got, but actually being able to accept the validity of each other's perspectives and cultivating a new mutual understanding of the issue at hand.

 

This may be just semantics though, because I believe we're talking about the same thing fundamentally. Being able to see and accept another person's viewpoint; recognizing that relationships aren't just about being entitled to get everything you want (but respecting each other's current boundaries nonetheless); recognizing that relationships take work as no two people are going to agree about every possible thing and it's important to be able to talk about those differences and for both to be willing to get past their egos, but that it's deeply worthwhile work.

 

None of us are finished products. What one thinks, feels, acts, values, doesn't value, likes, dislikes, wants, needs -- as we age and experience, as long as we never stop thinking and honestly questioning, these things will continue to evolve. We all have learning and growing to do, and I view a life partner as someone who is in with you for that journey, wherever it might lead. I love the one I'm with precisely because he motivates me to consciously learn and change for the better, and I try to do the same for him. Because of the trust, intimacy, and communication we've been able to build together, we're in the best position to offer each other insights and reflections to help each other continue to grow.

 

What I love is the thought that when I wake up ten years from now and open my eyes to see the person sleeping next to me, I am not going to suddenly realize I'm with a complete stranger that I never really knew, or someone who I once knew and loved who has turned into a stranger... and yet, at the same time, it is not going to be the exact same person with the exact same ideas and feelings and values and wants and needs as the person I know now, and nor will I be. But I believe strongly that because we are committed to growing together as partners, we'll know each other just as well, or even better, as we do now. I couldn't ask for more.

 

Thanks for the post; it helped me solidify some current thoughts.

[Grrlish]

I think it is wrong though, to compromise your morals and beliefs and totally change yourself as a person. I guess I am basically just agreeing with your comment!

 

I agree...mostly.

 

I mean, of course it is 'wrong' to "totally change yourself as a person" in order to maintain a relationship. But changing some things about one's self sometimes IS necessary to maintain a relationship.

 

If one has developed habits that undermine one's ability to maintain a relationship, then these things are worth evaluating for change.

 

I think where some people bump up against a wall is that because something...some habit, some characteristic...has been long-held, they respond with "Well, that's just the way I am".

 

Well, if that's just the way you are and you have the life and the partner that you desire, then stay that way. But, if there are things missing in your life that you need and/or desire, isn't it worth changing?

 

And isn't changing necessary to grow?