Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 No she's not... he is.. some OW will get pregnant on purpose to get the MM or to blackmail him in some ways... SO he's the jerk for having unprotected sex with a woman who CAN have babies.. If she wanted to have his balls by having his baby.. then she GOT him.. Based on what I can see by the OPs financial situation, she's truly not too bright... Having a child in an already financially strapped situation, whereby the MM is rejecting her and requesting a paternity suit, smacks of a lack of foresight on her part. As for the MM, he's a jerk but not for having unprotected sex. He's just lacking a few brain cells. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I agree the MM is a jerk for about a billion reasons but also, it takes two to tango. If she wasn't using or insisting on birth control, she's even more responsible since she has full control of her own body and allowing access to it. She can't possibly be that stupid and still be breathing. It does take two to tango and they are both equally at fault for what happened and they are both are going to have to deal with the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Based on what I can see by the OPs financial situation, she's truly not too bright... Having a child in an already financially strapped situation, whereby the MM is rejecting her and requesting a paternity suit, smacks of a lack of foresight on her part. As for the MM, he's a jerk but not for having unprotected sex. He's just lacking a few brain cells. That's why I say that MM are jerks when they don,t protect themselves.. she now can use to baby to get money... They are both missing quite a few brain cells IMO.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 He is a jerk when not using protection with a woman who can still have babies... So she had no say in the matter? What if the OW told him she was on the pill, or it was a safe time. Yes, the blame lies with him, but it also lies with the OW. It takes TWO to make baby.. Anyway, the child is still innocent in all this. The bottomline is, the situation and the choices made IS the mess, not the child. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 So she had no say in the matter? What if the OW told him she was on the pill, or it was a safe time. Yes, the blame lies with him, but it also lies with the OW. It takes TWO to make baby.. Anyway, the child is still innocent in all this. The bottomline is, the situation and the choices made IS the mess, not the child. Very good points and I agree. Unless something civil comes out of all of this, that kid is going to have one messed up upbringing. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 So she had no say in the matter? What if the OW told him she was on the pill, or it was a safe time. Yes, the blame lies with him, but it also lies with the OW. It takes TWO to make baby.. Anyway, the child is still innocent in all this. The bottomline is, the situation and the choices made IS the mess, not the child. I agree that she is also responsible for her pregnancy... of course she is.. but he's the one who is married.. I don't believe she is.. so he's the one who has more to lose.. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Tough sh*t. Now he has consquences. He is responsible for this situation, as is the OW. The child now has to come first and everyone has to stop the blame game, suck it up and do everything possible to help that child have a good life. I have NO sympathy for the MM here. None. He was stupid enough to cheat and wear a condom, then hey, deal with what happens later...And, now he has to, no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) I,ve read a few posts where posters are 'speculating' about this woman... She might be bitter, angry, etc.. but to say she will be a BAD mother is a little extreme.. She might be the best mother even better than the OP.. who knows? who are we to judge her mother skills... If I could talk to her I would tell her to keep her baby and to keep him/her all to herself.. like I did... Well, she made false accusations of sexual molestation that involved a mentally disabled individual - she would have to have known that the individual would need to be questioned and examined so they could investigate the charges. Which means, OW made a deliberate choice to force an innocent and mentally disabled person to suffer for her bitterness and anger toward MM...that's abuse in my book. Which, IMO, means she's hardly a candidate for woman of the year, and YES, when considering she'll now be responsible for another innocent, it certainly seems likely she won't have any qualms about using that baby for her own bitter purposes as well. If I were the OP, I'd have left my cheating husband. But if she stays and that baby turns out to be his, then I would have some kind of rules in place that H cannot see the baby unless his parents are there...otherwise, it's not out of the realm of possibility that another abuse charge could come his way at any point when OW is pissed off at MM. Edited February 28, 2008 by norajane Link to post Share on other sites
SimpleyMe Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 We can't exactly say how we would react if we were in jennifer's situation. IMO i think she's doing pretty good in dealing with it considering,what a bitter crazy xow her H was involved with. From reading your post you don't seem like you would hurt the baby,so i don't understand why anyone would tell you to stay away from the baby,or say you have issue's. For you to stick it out with your H you seem very forgiving and you have said you accept the baby,you are human so it is normal for you to hurt and get angry. WE cant judge you and tell you,you need help bla,bla,bla, im not sure but i doubt any of us who gave you advice have had to deal with cheat H,crazy OW and baby on the way. I do understand that you are worried about the OW saying lies,she done it before why would she not do it again. I hope for the sake of your family that the baby is not your H. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Well, she made false accusations of sexual molestation that involved a mentally disabled individual - she would have to have known that the individual would need to be questioned and examined so they could investigate the charges. Which means, OW made a deliberate choice to force an innocent and mentally disabled person to suffer for her bitterness and anger toward MM...that's abuse in my book. Which, IMO, means she's hardly a candidate for woman of the year, and YES, when considering she'll now be responsible for another innocent, it certainly seems likely she won't have any qualms about using that baby for her own bitter purposes as well. With all your respect norajane... who knows he was wrongly accused... maybe he wasn't.. you know how the justice system works, don't you... I've seen, more than once, a guy who was a sexual predator, who got away with it.. because of technicalities, or lack of evidence... I'm not saying he's guilty.. but who are we to say she (OW) invented that whole story.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 This guy is a jerk for having unprotected sex... AND to resent this child... Exactly HE is the simpleton for not protecting himself, while it takes two to tango it also takes ONE to protect the family he was already in and married to. HE OWES it to his W and children to not mess up their lives even more through his betrayal, not only did he go ahead and betray them with the A he also put the fate of HIS own family in the hands of the OW. Sorry to the BS for what you are going though but honestly your H has an IQ of a wooden block, talk about careless to the MAX. It was his duty to ensure his escapade did not turn into more and he couldn't take care of that or do THAT right. Who cares if the OW should have been responsible she has less to lose than him. If it was just a guy and a woman they both suffer the consequences of their carelessness when a man is married and he goes off to boff someone else it is SOLELY his duty to protect his family from further harm form his choices, the OW is irrelevant. Why are you staying with him again? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Exactly HE is the simpleton for not protecting himself, while it takes two to tango it also takes ONE to protect the family he was already in and married to. HE OWES it to his W and children to not mess up their lives even more through his betrayal, not only did he go ahead and betray them with the A he also put the fate of HIS own family in the hands of the OW. Sorry to the BS for what you are going though but honestly your H has an IQ of a wooden block, talk about careless to the MAX. It was his duty to ensure his escapade did not turn into more and he couldn't take care of that or do THAT right. Who cares if the OW should have been responsible she has less to lose than him. If it was just a guy and a woman they both suffer the consequences of their carelessness when a man is married and he goes off to boff someone else it is SOLELY his duty to protect his family from further harm form his choices, the OW is irrelevant. Why are you staying with him again? You put into words what I think exactly... Plus.. I wouldn't surprise if the accusations were true in some way... he's having sex with more than one woman.. maybe he's a sex 'addict'.. (I'm speculating here.. but others were speculating that the OW made up this story.. maybe she didn't ... maybe he does have a problem regarding sex...) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Well, she made false accusations of sexual molestation that involved a mentally disabled individual - she would have to have known that the individual would need to be questioned and examined so they could investigate the charges. Which means, OW made a deliberate choice to force an innocent and mentally disabled person to suffer for her bitterness and anger toward MM...that's abuse in my book. Which, IMO, means she's hardly a candidate for woman of the year, and YES, when considering she'll now be responsible for another innocent, it certainly seems likely she won't have any qualms about using that baby for her own bitter purposes as well. If I were the OP, I'd have left my cheating husband. But if she stays and that baby turns out to be his, then I would have some kind of rules in place that H cannot see the baby unless his parents are there...otherwise, it's not out of the realm of possibility that another abuse charge could come his way at any point when OW is pissed off at MM. I couldn't agree more with this post. I hope for the sake of the OP, the baby isn't his. No baby deserves to be born debilitated from the start, by a dysfunctional mother like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 What if the OW told him she was on the pill, or it was a safe time. Yes, the blame lies with him, but it also lies with the OW. It takes TWO to make baby.. What if she said that? yes prob that is what happened but you trust someone and take that kind of risk when you are single and are willing to live up to the consecuences should the outcome be the unexpected. When you are married it is a HUGE risk to take. He has more to risk than her in trusting that, as a married man and fully knowing how easily a woman can entrap a man by getting pregnant he was very foolish to put HIS fate in her hands. It takes two to make a baby but it only takes ONE to have to support two families and be chained to the disgrace of his choices for the REST of everyone's lives. DUMB all around, no matter how you look at it HE should have thought with his big head. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Plus.. I wouldn't surprise if the accusations were true in some way... he's having sex with more than one woman.. maybe he's a sex 'addict'.. (I'm speculating here.. but others were speculating that the OW made up this story.. maybe she didn't ... maybe he does have a problem regarding sex...) I agree. We don't know for a fact that he DIDN'T sexually abuse the mentally-disabled client. Do we?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 DUMB all around, no matter how you look at it HE should have thought with his big head. Yup and that's why I don't feel for what he now has to deal with. I feel sad for the original poster as her life is being affected by dum-dum's stupid choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I agree. We don't know for a fact that he DIDN'T sexually abuse the mentally-disabled client. Do we?? Of course we don't... we only get one side of the story here. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 It takes two to make a baby but it only takes ONE to have to support two families and be chained to the disgrace of his choices for the REST of everyone's lives. Yup, I would take this even further -- it takes two to make a baby, but only ONE to cheat on their spouse. I don't understand why the OP's focus is totally on the OW and her baby, and doesn't even address the bigger problem (and the one who caused this whole mess in the first place) -- her H!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Of course we don't... we only get one side of the story here. True! Yup, I would take this even further -- it takes two to make a baby, but only ONE to cheat on their spouse. I don't understand why the OP's focus is totally on the OW and her baby, and doesn't even address the bigger problem (and the one who caused this whole mess in the first place) -- her H!! True! Yup and that's why I don't feel for what he now has to deal with. I feel sad for the original poster as her life is being affected by dum-dum's stupid choices. Very true! I feel for the OP too and for her 11 yr old child who will be scarred by the harsh reality of this situation and this poor unloved baby, so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Yup, I would take this even further -- it takes two to make a baby, but only ONE to cheat on their spouse. I don't understand why the OP's focus is totally on the OW and her baby, and doesn't even address the bigger problem (and the one who caused this whole mess in the first place) -- her H!! She came here to post specifically about her concerns over the accusations the OW made against her H, of which her H was cleared, and what sort of future that portends if the baby proves to be his. Whatever her issue is with her H and how she deals with him, her reason for posting is to get some advice on how much this baby should/could be a part of their lives with the threat of certain behaviors by OW as a possibility. We can all have our opinions on who is more to blame for the pregnancy and the affair, but that really has nothing to do with her question. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) We can all have our opinions on who is more to blame for the pregnancy and the affair, but that really has nothing to do with her question. Well I respect your freedom to your opinion but I disagree, she came here asking this: So here's my question to all of those who say the baby is innocent and deserves a father. We'll never prove her a bad mother. We don't have $$. (her home has been recently put in foreclosure, but other than that we don't have any thing more than her) My H will be lucky to get shared custody, but will probably only end up with every other weekend 1 day a week. After thinking maybe I can accept the child, I now again have grave reservations. The OW is obviously capable of making our lives hell for the next 18 years (and then some) Who's to say she's not capable of accusing me or my H or even my own children of physically abusing her child. I know I still have the option to leave this my marriage and not deal with this woman ever again....but here it is....would you still encourage my H to be active in this childs life? I don't see the drama exposed to this child ever ending. How could she SERIOULSY ask this question and not look at what ROLE her H played in forming this child? If she takes a long hard to look at WHY this child was made and why the child is not to blame for the possibility that he might be a bastard child and she fully understood the role her H had in this and how this could have been avoided she would NOT be asking this question. I think it is worth while pointing out what her H's duty was in all this since the tone of her OP is somewhat dismissive of his responsibilities in all of this. Ideallly I understand the OPs frustration or downright rage for this HUGE disruption to her life, I do I really do but her reality has now changed and it has changed forever. SO she has two paths to take: 1) Acceptance, by putting all the cards on the table and seeing them for what they are or 2) Non acceptance and walking away. Resentment and the wish of a different reality will get her absolutely NOWHERE. I get that she hates the OW and her child, I get it! but that baby is not to blame for being born nor should he be deprived of having a father figure even if it is on a part time basis, because this man was already married and his W does not want to be associated with his new family. I understand it's hard, but he did the deed now he has to face up to it. Making them go away may be great for the current family situation with his W but it does not do anything for this new child's life. He OWES it to that baby to be there for him. Like he owes it to his current family to also be there for them. Edited February 28, 2008 by Tomcat33 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Norajane is right. The original post is fairly specific in it's intent. Assignments of blame are off-topic at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 We can all have our opinions on who is more to blame for the pregnancy and the affair, but that really has nothing to do with her question. But it does! My point was, I don't understand why the OP is looking at the child as the source of the drama that is now threatening her world -- when the real source of this drama (both present and future) is her H. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Assignments of blame are off-topic at this point. Assigments of blame are not offtopic, he IS to blame and his W and current 11 yr old child were not considered in his decision to risk having unprotected sex so how is that offtopic? If he feels the need to be a part of the baby's life (as he should THAt is taking responsibility) she, the W is going have to find a way to accept this. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 But it does! My point was, I don't understand why the OP is looking at the child as the source of the drama that is now threatening her world -- when the real source of this drama (both present and future) is her H. I didn't read her post as saying the child is causing the drama. I read her post as saying the OW's accusations lead her to believe that she might create drama in the future if she stays with her H. She has, apparently, not quite ruled out the possibility of leaving him. Her concern is about what the OW might do, not what the child might do. The OW is obviously capable of making our lives hell for the next 18 years (and then some) Who's to say she's not capable of accusing me or my H or even my own children of physically abusing her child. I know I still have the option to leave this my marriage and not deal with this woman ever again....but here it is....would you still encourage my H to be active in this childs life? I don't see the drama exposed to this child ever ending. Link to post Share on other sites
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