For those who thought the child is innocent....

[OpenBook]

I guess we are all entitled to our own opinions and interpretations of the OP's post. It doesn't change the fact that the OP has a huge problem on her hands... and it's not that little baby. I think it would be wise to consider every family member's feelings in this, as this is now a family affair. No matter what happens, the OW's baby is (and will always be) the half-sister or brother of the OP's children.

 

Unless, of course, the paternity test is not a match.

[Trialbyfire]

While the baby is innocent, I don't see any reason why the OP needs to have any involvement or responsibility in its life. She isn't even blood related to this child.

 

The OW is on her own and if it's found to be fathered by the OPs husband, he has a fiscal responsibility to this child but beyond that, nothing more.

 

An abortion would probably have been the most practical tactic to have taken.

[Tomcat33]

While the baby is innocent, I don't see any reason why the OP needs to have any involvement or responsibility in its life.

 

WT??!?!? Who said otherwise?

 

 

An abortion would probably have been the most practical tactic to have taken.

 

 

Gees, the practical tactic would be to murder the baby? Yes, while we are it I am sure the OW be can polished off too and problem solved.

Talk about heartless.

[Pyro]

WT??!?!? Who said otherwise?

 

 

Read the OPs firt post again........she is considering having the child be a part of her life as well

 

 

Gees, the practical tactic would be to murder the baby? Yes, while we are it I am sure the OW be can polished off too and problem solved.

Talk about heartless.

 

Lets not have a debate on abortion here.

Edited February 28, 2008 by Pyro

[Tomcat33]

Lets not have a debate on abortion here.

 

 

Well the baby is already born it's alive and well, what kind of frigid comment is that?

 

Like it's the baby's fault it was born out of an A?

[Pyro]

Well the baby is already born it's alive and well, what kind of frigid comment is that?

 

Like it's the baby's fault it was born out of an A?

 

All she said was that she should of had an abortion back when it was do-able.

 

Its not the babys fault at all, but in some cases an abortion is something to consider. That is all I have to say on that subject.

[OpenBook]

All she said was that she should of had an abortion back when it was do-able.

 

Its not the babys fault at all, but in some cases an abortion is something to consider. That is all I have to say on that subject.

 

This coming from someone who is "a child of divorce - give me a break"? It's OK for you to get a break, but not other kids who come from broken homes? Give me a break.

[Pyro]

This coming from someone who is "a child of divorce - give me a break"? It's OK for you to get a break, but not other kids who come from broken homes? Give me a break.

 

:lmao:

Its a quote from a movie. Simmer down there Johnson.

[Trialbyfire]

All she said was that she should of had an abortion back when it was do-able.

 

Its not the babys fault at all, but in some cases an abortion is something to consider. That is all I have to say on that subject.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and do what makes sense for everyone involved. A child born into a dysfunctional home with a whack job mother and a father who isn't the brightest spark in the pile, is asking for a slippery slope of a life until they can haul themselves out of it. Some never do.

 

There are enough unwanted children in this world.

 

Once again, the OP has no reason to have anything to do with the child. If she plans on remaining the marriage, it's time for her to be selfish too.

[Tomcat33]

Its not the babys fault at all, but in some cases an abortion is something to consider. That is all I have to say on that subject.

 

 

I agree in some cases that is an option or that is the decision taken by the person/people in question. That was not the decision taken here. It just seems like an odd thing to say that really doesn't help the OP's current situation at ALL.

 

I mean if we wanna get into hindsight of things, her H prob shouldn't have stuck his unprotected dk in anyone other than his W. So really if you wanna talk about "could have, should have, would have" there are MORE sane solution to killing off another human being.

 

Call me crazy...

[Pyro]

I agree in some cases that is an option or that is the decision taken by the person/people in question. That was not the decision taken here. It just seems like an odd thing to say that really doesn't help the OP's current situation at ALL.

 

I mean if we wanna get into hindsight of things, her H prob shouldn't have stuck his unprotected dk in anyone other than his W. So really if you wanna talk about "could have, should have, would have" there are MORE sane solution to killing off another human being.

 

Call me crazy...

 

 

Ok crazy.

 

You are right that its too late for would of should of stuff.

 

Like I said earlier, they are both to blame, the MM and OW that is, so they have to deal with the consequences.

[Tomcat33]

Ok crazy.

 

I wear it proud! :laugh:

 

 

You are right that its too late for would of should of stuff.

 

Like I said earlier, they are both to blame, the MM and OW that is, so they have to deal with the consequences.

 

Yep, and so fantasizing on what SHOULD have been done is not dealing with the consequences, it is putting it off.

[Tomcat33]

And the ow who is into causing problems after the H went back to his family. It appears that she likes to cause problems for the family. It is clear that the H should have kept his peepee in his pants, but the OW, if she wasn't willing to raise a child on her own, should have pretended her legs had super glue on them and kept them closed. She and the H created this problem for a woman and her children, who didn't ask for nor want this mess. And that poor child has to put up with two donkeys for parents.

 

Agreed, the bottom line is the pregnancy is both their issue but the repercussions to his victim family is HIS responsibility, NO ONE else is going to look out for them . Case in point. He was responsible for protecting his family from harm.

HE failed miserably this is the HUGE price to pay.

[georgia girl]

I can only empathize how much it must hurt - and go on hurting - to have your husband have a child by another woman. Especially when you know that the lack of parenting skills provided to the child means that he or she won't have a great start in life. As tough as it is, blame the actors not the result. That baby has enough strikes to face.

[TMCM]

As tough as it is, blame the actors not the result. That baby has enough strikes to face.

 

 

For all we know, many of us might be descendants of 'bastards'. If up to 30% of the children born in marriages are not genetically the husband's, there is no reason to believe that our ancestors were any less unfaithful than we are. A humbling thought, isn't it?

[RecordProducer]

Jennifer,

 

It's noble of you to try to accept the child. However, you can't order your in-laws to stay away from the baby, no matter how painful it is for you. The best way to prevent the drama would be to be civil to the OW and the child. I don't know if you have evidence that the OW accused your husband for abusing his client or if you're speculating. People do terrible things and then reconcile as if nothing happened. If I were you, I would talk to the OW and agree with her on everything: visitations, financial support, way of communication, etc.

 

The more rigid you are in your attitudes the more likely you are to lose control over the situation. Try to resolve all issues now before things slip out of your hands.

 

You will probably go through some agonizing feelings and evil wishes for the child and the OW. Accept them as part of the healing process and repeat to yourself that you can always leave. And remember, it's your husband who hurt you - not the OW or the baby. You can't erase the consequence of his mistake. You can only forgive and move on. If you can't forgive, admit it and again, move on.

 

To do what's best for you doesn't mean to indulge your anger; this always brings more anger and troubles. The best thing for you is to find inner peace one way or another.

[LILA BELL]

I do not understand why so many people are always saying it's the H who hurt you not the OW.

 

Come on take some fu*king responsibility for your actions,yes her H did hurt her and she should be more angry with him,BUT OW knew he was married,doesnt matter if H told OW he wasnt happy with W or going to leave her.

 

I was the OW i now realize i also hurt his W by having the A.

 

Jennifer i hope the paternity test proves the baby is not your H.

 

If baby turns out to be your H,you are going to have to accept it.

 

Have a meeting with xOW be firm tell her you are willing to put your anger aside with her for the childs sake,but you are not going to put up with her lies and games.

[BetrayedMM]

I was the OW i now realize i also hurt his W by having the A.

 

Do you have any idea how much progress this statement alone implies?

[LILA BELL]

who would have thought,right

[BetrayedMM]

What happened? You don't sound like the same person at all!

[Tomcat33]

I do not understand why so many people are always saying it's the H who hurt you not the OW.

 

Come on take some fu*king responsibility for your actions,yes her H did hurt her and she should be more angry with him,BUT OW knew he was married,doesnt matter if H told OW he wasnt happy with W or going to leave her.

 

I was the OW i now realize i also hurt his W by having the A.

 

Jennifer i hope the paternity test proves the baby is not your H.

 

If baby turns out to be your H,you are going to have to accept it.

 

Have a meeting with xOW be firm tell her you are willing to put your anger aside with her for the childs sake,but you are not going to put up with her lies and games.

 

 

Excuse me no one said the OW doesn't have fault in this, she is very much the other half of the equation. And I can only speak for the things I have said, but what I said was it was the H's duty to protect his family and he failed. If he didn't have enough compassion towards his family why would you expect that from a total stranger? I know people SHOULD be good even to strangers but where was your "goodness" towards the W when you got involved with a married man? It's all great and fine that you see what you did wrong but that doesn't change a damn thing in terms of what YOU did to the BS in your case, so you are living proof that when it comes down to it strangers don't take care of strangers. And she can take all the responsibility she wants now for her actions but that doesn't change that a product of that affair is now entered into this world and people's lives are going to have to be adjusted because of that. At this point it doesn't matter who's fault is what, the facts are:

 

a) there is child that might be this MM's

b) the affair happened

c) the BS accepts staying with her straying H

d) the SH, if his, will accept this child

d) these two lives between the OW and the BS will always be intertwined

 

What should this BS do:

 

so far the BEST advice has been Record Producer's advice, she was BANG ON! I feel it is the most helpful post here.

 

 

 

Anyway on a sidenote I think you should perhaps go and work off your personal demons in another thread of your own, not here?

Edited February 29, 2008 by Tomcat33

[LILA BELL]

It doesnt matter what YOU feel is most helpful.

 

It matters what jennifer feels is most helpful to HER.

 

I know what i did and I am NOW taking responsibilty for my actions not only towards his W but to my H as well .

[Trialbyfire]

It doesnt matter what YOU feel is most helpful.

 

It matters what jennifer feels is most helpful to HER.

 

I know what i did and I am NOW taking responsibilty for my actions not only towards his W but to my H as well .

Hear, hear! An OW who is finally willing to take responsibility for her own actions, instead of suggesting or intimating that the world take care of her poor decisions in life. I can respect this attitude!

[serial muse]

Okay, wow. Getting back to topic, the question the OP asked at the end of her post was whether or not she should encourage her husband to be involved in the baby's life. She asked this because even though she said she has softened on the idea of welcoming the child - which she previously didn't want to do - her own child wanted to welcome it, and she was becoming reconciled to that.

 

The sticking point, she said, was that this particular OW - NOT any of you out there! This one! This one! This one! Compartmentalize, people. - this one did something that frightened her and made the possibility of being in contact with her for the rest of their lives pretty distasteful. Hence, her question - do I want to encourage my husband to, effectively, keep this woman in our lives for the sake of the child?

 

Also, - is there proof that her H didn't molest the girl? Well, I'm not the sheriff's office, but it sure sounds like it didn't just come down to his word against hers. There were actual investigations, people, and the girl in question hadn't been sexually molested. It didn't happen. The OW lied. This OW lied. It didn't happen.

 

There was a recent post about serious consequences of an affair and let me tell you, we're living proof of the worst of it right now. About a month before the child was born (01-04-08) my husband was informed he was put on administrative leave from his job and the county investigators would be getting a hold of him for questioning. He was not told why, what, anything. Come to find out he was accused of sexually abusing his mentally retarded client. (he works for a private home care for the disabled ) After weeks of waiting on the county and his lawyer to get the questioning of all parties completed, my husband has finally been cleared.

 

Here's the kicker. It was the OW who made the accusations. (due to my personal obsession of looking at her myspace account, her friends myspace accounts and all her other public internet activities, she was proven to be lying) The saddest part of the false accusation is the client had to go thru a rape test and be temporary placed in a group home. We can't sue for defamination or anything since the county is obligated to investigate all allegations. And since she reported this to a county agency, and not directly to the police or sheriff's office, she can't be found fraudulent of any wrong doing.

 

So, OP, getting to the question of whether to encourage your husband - I reiterate what I said before. Do what you can to protect yourself - if you do get a signed statement from her about her false accusation, that may help ensure against future accusations if they're left alone. The child itself is of course innocent, but yes, it could potentially be used as a pawn, and it's foolish not to consider that possibility in this case.

 

That said, I sincerely hope that, if your H is the father, you can find a way to welcome the poor kid and defuse the situation. It's sad all around.

Edited February 29, 2008 by serial muse

[JustBreathe]

Well you asked whether I would encourage my H to have regular contact with the child, considering the OW is a psycho who will make your lives miserable for 18 years.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I would let that decision be my husband's. He gets to decide how involved he wants to be with that baby.

 

I would do my best to let him can deal with the mess and keep it as far away from me and our kids as possible. I would make sure the OW got her child support and that's as far as I would go with it, IF I even decided to stay with him which would be fricken hard.

 

I don't think I would want the child in my home with my kids, or the psycho picking him up or calling my house, etc. I'm not that big a person I guess. That is going to be one screwed up kid considering what he has for a mother. I think my instinct would be to protect my own and keep them separate from it all as much as possible. If he wanted to, my H would have to go spend time with the child outside our home. I would not be able to stand looking at that child, it would keep me from moving on.

 

I do think that you should do all you can to file a lawsuit against her of some kind. A civil lawsuit, not a county inspection, for damages and costs of the suit against her, or whatever. I'd sue her for defamation of character or libel whatever and that way she gets the message that if she tries to muck up your life again, she won't just walk away unscathed and maybe think twice about doing this kind of thing again.

 

I'm so sorry about what's happened. That's all I can say. I'm sorry.