How to cope/ get over an affair.

[tears_89]

I found out my bf was seeing a girl from his work after finding texts on his phone. This was back In Dec and destroyed me. After weeks apart we met up after he contacted me and we had a very long chat where he expalined it was a mistake he was feeling I pushed him away and she gave him attention. He wished he had never did it and wanted to make a fresh go of things.

 

I do to, and now I'm over the initial fact of 'her' if that makes sense. At first there wasn't a day went by I had to ask him about her quiz him etc but nowI don' feel the need to do that. He has left his place of work also.

 

Thing is I am still hurting as to the fact he lied to me, broke our bond and cheated with her as I am not being big headed and mostly everyone ha said it she isn't a patch on me. From the tects I had read this isn't the first time she has did this and isn't very shy put it that way.

 

I want to make a go of things 100% but I want to not have to feel how I do just now, I want to getover it all. I want to trust him again, I mean I suffer from anxiety aswell I don't think this helps matters but mostly everything he says about anything I doubt for example yday he texted me saying he had found money ouside so topped up his phone and I though Yeah Right! But then ratonally why would he lie about that, why would he have to and what would he achieve from it. Just things like that.

 

I would love some guidance on howto cope with these feelings and how to start building trust etc again. I am determied t make this work, I just need somehelp along the way.

 

Thanks

[twice_shy]

tears,

I know its hard, and it hurts. But I'll tell you exactly how to get over his affair. Dump him.

 

You know you will never be able to trust him again. And since he is just a bf it should be pretty easy. Trust me. I've been there too and it happens to the best of us. You WILL find someone else and when you do, your cheating jerk won't matter to you anymore.

 

Get rid of him.

[jj2007]

I found out my bf was seeing a girl from his work after finding texts on his phone. This was back In Dec and destroyed me. After weeks apart we met up after he contacted me and we had a very long chat where he expalined it was a mistake he was feeling I pushed him away and she gave him attention. He wished he had never did it and wanted to make a fresh go of things.

 

I do to, and now I'm over the initial fact of 'her' if that makes sense. At first there wasn't a day went by I had to ask him about her quiz him etc but nowI don' feel the need to do that. He has left his place of work also.

 

Thing is I am still hurting as to the fact he lied to me, broke our bond and cheated with her as I am not being big headed and mostly everyone ha said it she isn't a patch on me. From the tects I had read this isn't the first time she has did this and isn't very shy put it that way.

 

I want to make a go of things 100% but I want to not have to feel how I do just now, I want to getover it all. I want to trust him again, I mean I suffer from anxiety aswell I don't think this helps matters but mostly everything he says about anything I doubt for example yday he texted me saying he had found money ouside so topped up his phone and I though Yeah Right! But then ratonally why would he lie about that, why would he have to and what would he achieve from it. Just things like that.

 

I would love some guidance on howto cope with these feelings and how to start building trust etc again. I am determied t make this work, I just need somehelp along the way.

 

Thanks

 

 

Hugs sweetheart, I've been there. Not only did my H have an affair, he is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict that found someone that made him feel good about himself while they were out drinking and doing drugs.

 

Do you know if it was a emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair (PA)?

I would get tested for STD's, if you haven't already. My H gave me HPV.

 

I will tell you that it is really hard to trust again if you ever do.

The way I cope with this is we had to sit down and talk about how we got here and what we need to do to get back what we once had. It is not easy. It is up to you what you can deal with.

 

As long as yours and his needs are being met and you two feel like you can be happy and in love again I think it is a good thing.

 

Also, my H has become an openbook by letting me have access to cell records, email accounts, texts etc. this is allowing me to slowly build back the trust.

 

So far this is working for us and I am starting to feel like we have a better, stronger relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

[Li'lGremlin]

hey tears,

 

i was in the same boat as you and really tried my best to get over my ex's cheating and additionally his cocaine addiction. it was a tough decision to make....forgiving him and deciding to start over. a few months into it i realized i really didn't trust him and could never get that love and trust i once had for him back. i guess my point is you have to decide if it is within you to forgive, forget and move on and if your guy is willing to do what it takes to earn your trust, love and respect back whatever the cost. my father had an affair and my mother forgave him and they've been together for 33 years now, though i wouldn't say happily. it was a painful time and i guess it made me a little gunshy. some people have the capacity to forget and love again and some of us can't. you have to do what's best for you and makes you feel the most whole at this particular moment in time.

 

good luck dear.

[NuTuDating]

I agree. Dump him. Cheaters don't stop cheating.

[JackhammerGemma]

Your first sentence sounds just like me, my bf cheating with someone at work too. We are still together for the moment but I don't trust him at all and I'm considering only keeping him for a booty call and friendship.

 

I used to think if the person works hard to earn back your trust and they truly regret what they did, you can get past it. But I'm starting to think that hardly ever happens. I'm sorry you're going through this too, but I'm with the others-it will be hard to trust him again.

[1_More_chance]

If you believe in second chances then you should give him a chance.

 

Most guys are like boys. Sometimes they don't know how to become a man until they realize one day they never really was a man.

 

If the guy is worth it, give him a chance. Give him a chance to show that he made a mistake, and that you is what he really want. It's obvious that if she was something you weren't he'd go with her. You're still his number 1 regardless of what he did. If he's really truely sorry, he'll make up for it and not do it again.

 

I am currently in a situation like this, but I was the one who cheated on my girl. But deep in my heart, I learn my lesson, and as much as it hurts my girl, to see what she's been through, seeing her crying, and realizing the last person that could make her feel this way would be me, is devastating. Which is why I'm trying everything possible to turn things around, because I can't take back what I did, but what I'll do will show her how much I really love her and that I am truely sorry and I made a mistake.

 

So give him a chance, and you can't move on if you're consistently checking up on him. Tell him how you feel, tell him you feel insecure and that you're not sure if you can take it anymore. If he really love and care about you, he'll ask what he can do to make YOU feel more secure. hope this helps.

[pickleeater]

I too am in a same predicament. time is a big issue here, don't rush it. things will work out the way they are suppose too.

 

If you give him a chance, and it doesn't feel right, then you should have your answer. if he can prove himself to you and you feel that he is, then god bless both of you.

 

consider counceling?

[elij]

i'm in a similar situation. though, in my case, its my girlfriend. she essentially left me, albeit our relation also had its problems at the time, for another man from her workplace. on new years eve, the fool i was, was not with her for a variety of reasons. though i did call her and she said she would come to where i was, then did not go and did not answer my calls and hooked up with this guy. the next day, she goes to my house and only says "i am not sure i am in love with you."

i had no idea she had gotten with this guy. for nearly 4 weeks we remained officially separated in the ensuing days, but all during that period we were with each other as i tried to win her back. in that period, we also had periodic sexual relations. finally, we got back together and then about 2 weeks ago i get a call from the guy she hooked up with on new years telling me he had been with my girl for quite a long time -- all during january and at least part of feb. i confronted her, she admitted it, but constantly changes the story about the extent of her relation with him. from what i can piece together from the likely half-truths, is she went out with him at least 6 times through mid-Feb. and they did have sex (though she claims it was only once, which I find hard to believe). She says that, though she liked the guy, she later regretted the relation and ended it with him. Now, she says she loves me and wants things to work, but I have a hard time removing the image of her and this guy from mind. All the lies to cover up probably the worst thing she could do to me. I can not believe she would do this to me -- even if we were officially separated for a time.

[1_More_chance]

i'm in a similar situation. though, in my case, its my girlfriend. she essentially left me, albeit our relation also had its problems at the time, for another man from her workplace. on new years eve, the fool i was, was not with her for a variety of reasons. though i did call her and she said she would come to where i was, then did not go and did not answer my calls and hooked up with this guy. the next day, she goes to my house and only says "i am not sure i am in love with you."

i had no idea she had gotten with this guy. for nearly 4 weeks we remained officially separated in the ensuing days, but all during that period we were with each other as i tried to win her back. in that period, we also had periodic sexual relations. finally, we got back together and then about 2 weeks ago i get a call from the guy she hooked up with on new years telling me he had been with my girl for quite a long time -- all during january and at least part of feb. i confronted her, she admitted it, but constantly changes the story about the extent of her relation with him. from what i can piece together from the likely half-truths, is she went out with him at least 6 times through mid-Feb. and they did have sex (though she claims it was only once, which I find hard to believe). She says that, though she liked the guy, she later regretted the relation and ended it with him. Now, she says she loves me and wants things to work, but I have a hard time removing the image of her and this guy from mind. All the lies to cover up probably the worst thing she could do to me. I can not believe she would do this to me -- even if we were officially separated for a time.

if she truely learned her lesson then give her a chance, but before you do that make her admit everything. Tell her it's ok if you had sex or whatever with him a couple times, all i want is the truth so we can move on. Then when she DOES tells you the truth it's up to you to decide if you really want to keep her or give her a chance.

 

also make her work for you, make her realize she f'ed up like how my girl making me realize how i f'ed up. I been in hell for the last month or 2, and for sure i learned my lesson. because of my feeling of losing my girl, I've decided to get rid of all the influences around me and trying to seek help on my own. I love sex, and i love woman, but i choose my girl over all that any day. so make her realize that.