When they've moved on and you haven't. How do you cope?

[Gunny376]

There's no doubt~ no doubt at all that you're "depressed"

 

With that? You've got to force yourself to go through the motions of each day! Hard, I know ~ been there done that!

 

 

"Action precedes emotion" That is to say? You've got to do before you feel like doing it!

 

Going through all of what you're going through ~ you've got to force yourself to clean your teeth, make the bed, take a shower yada, yada whatever it is you've got to force yourself to do? Action precedes emotion! You've GOT TO DO IT ~ BEFORE YOU FEEL LIKE DOING IT!

 

It takes about six weeks for most things! But you've got to take charge of your life. You've got to go through the actions and the emotions! You've got to live through each second and each minute! Each hour!

 

First off? You've probally have less than seven years of "debt-hell" to live through before you can tell your creditors to "kiss off"!

 

Granted! Your Credit Score won't be all that great at the end ~but its do-able! I was a finance major in college ~ PM me and tell me what state you're from and I can tell which creditors you can claim absolute defense against and to "kiss off"

 

You're not in seven years of Hell! You've got "Gunny"

 

 

Have card! Will travel! (old Western Show!)

Edited March 7, 2008 by Gunny376

[Gunny376]

You might want to check this book out:

 

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handling A Breakup" by Rosaan Rosen, Alpha Books, ISBN 0-02862928-0

[Confused9]

Thanks Gunny!!!

 

 

I actually just ordered 3 books from Amazon:

1. The Language of Letting Go

2. Getting up, getting over, getting on. The 12 steps to recovery for a divorce

3. Daily Meditations for suriviving a break-up.

 

I am hoping these will help me work out my emotions. I have noticed that any time I see a couple of any sort. I lose it. Like, that used to be me. I was happy once. I know I need to grab on to my life and make it what I want it to be...but it's so hard. I just feel like it isn't worth it to do it without him.

 

It's been much LONGER than 6 weeks. It's been 4 months. And I am still here...still sad...still confused. UGH!

 

I get up. I shower. I go to work. I do well at work. Then I go to my other work. Then I go to bed (sometimes - sleep is such an issue.) Then I do it all over again. It's just like Ia m waking up each day hoping for a better day. When I don't have one. I just hope for tomorrow.

 

I just want the time to go by so I can get over this. Without time for therapy...I need to do it myself.

 

As for the debt. I have not defaulted on anything. I am making my payments as usual. Trying to pay them off. I have about 16,000 in credit card debt (GULP) plus my college loan payments, rent, etc. But this debt (the 16,000) he is also responsible for. WE were going to split it in half. Which we did for a while. Then he skipped out on the payments. I have th rings...which I will try and sell -but I know I won't get half as close to what we paid for them. Yes, that's right...WE. But, I will do it.

 

I think I can with the second job. He was giving me 200.00 a week so that is what I hoped to make. But, I took on a job as a waitress and I am working 3 nights a week and averaging more than that. So...I am paying off every bit I can. I will not let him ruin my good credit score. NO WAY!

 

It's just amazing where my life has gone. I don't want it to get worse. I want to be happy. I just need to figure out what else can make me happy. I am without love for the first time in 7 years. I am without someone to cuddle with. I am without constant companionship. It's tough. I want to get married one day. I want to be in love again...but I am scared. I know I am not ready yet...not even to date. I tried that - it's too hard. But, I just want to wake up and feel okay.

 

Not feel worthless. Not feel alone. Not feel like this was my fault. I don't want to miss him anymore. I want him to know that what he did is wrong...and regret it. Hopefully one day he will and I will get an apology. I don't want his new relationship to work. I want him to feel this sadness. To feel regret.

 

Thanks again. Your a great person. Very helpful!!! : )

[sumdude]

Be patient with yourself... don't kick yourself with the thinking that "I should be over this already." or "Why am I so weak?" or those sort of defeating thoughts. If you broke your leg would you be angry with yourself for not healing faster? You've sustained a major emotional injury and it will take time to heal. Of course like any injury you do things to help it heal too. You will feel pain, it will sometimes sneak up on you when you least expect it. Just think of it as part of the healing process. If you didn't feel pain then maybe there would be something 'wrong' with you.

 

I'm a year and a month past a sudden separation. In that year I have had so many other things happen as well. Even still, the difference in how i feel about the x and myself is worlds different then 4 months after she left me. At that time I was still very upset and down. I'm really just starting to feel right about myself.

 

I gets better, no doubt.

[Confused9]

Thanks sumdude.

 

 

I hope it gets better. I miss him so bad.

 

I can't imagine what the h*ll he must be thinking about himself.

 

I know it shouldn't matter but his feelings, thoughts, etc are all that seem to matter.

 

I am glad you are feeling better.

 

Keep up the good work!

[Gunny376]

More often than not? Money and relationship problems go hand in hand. And yes if you've got a good FICO (Fair Isaic Credit Scrore aka Credit Score) you should do everything to maintain it and protect it. A good FICO score can get you through a lot of tough situations in life, whereas your handicapped with a bad one.

 

With that said, I would still get a copy of all three of your credit reports, and pay the extra dime to find out what your FICO score is with each of them. They use to cost about $8 or so, but now your entitled to a free report from each one of them once a year ~ to learn your FICO score? You have to still pay for.

 

I wouldn't go to one of those "non-profit" deals that you see advertised. They're non-profit because they get their money from the very people that you owe money to? These smile in your face people are not your friends. And they're not the answer to your problems?

 

Many of them will actually damage your credit score. Especially the one's that you pay to negotiate with your creditors? You make "one monthly" payment, and they keep more than they send to your creditors, and if you get with one of the "fly-by-night" outfits, you could be out several hundred ~ if not ~ several thousand dollars, and none the better with your creditors for the experience.

 

Whatever you do ~ avoid check cashing and title loan shops like the plauge. The annual interst on these so-called loans can be as much as 300% compounded ~ and typically once they've got their fangs into you? Its like be stuck in quicksand?

 

I was a finacne major in college, ~ and ironically enough not one single "personal finance" class was offered. I've learned more by going to Barnes and Noble along with Books A Million about personal finance than I ever learned in school ~ be it HS or college?

 

With that said, I can give you the summation of years of reading, study, and personal experience?

 

The first thing I would do would be to contact whoever you have your student loan with and explain your situation? And then ask for a deferment? Trust me? They've heard it all? This will buy you about six months, ~ enough time to catch your breath and get your feet back on the ground ~ and it will not hurt your credit. If you've not already done so, and you've got multiple student loans you should look at a consolidation. My student loan use to be around $220 a month for ten years, when I consolidated? $110 a month for ten years.

 

What so called Consumer Credit Whatever-We're-Here- To-Help and Chapter 13 Bankruptcy Courts will do is the following (which you can do yourself)

 

Add up your net income. Then add up your basic living expenses ~ (lights, rent, groceries, water, natural gas, heating oil etc ~ what you've got to have to live and not be homeless) the computer program Quicken is great for keeping track of when and how you spend your money. For thrity days, (ninety days is even better) keep track of how you spend every penny ~ yes its a pain ~ but it pays off in the long run.) Look for ways to cut, cut, cut. For example? That $1.09 cup of coffee at the local convience store 5 times a week? That's $283.40 a year!

Keep track of how you spend each and every penny? The longer the better? Over the course of seven years? that almost $2000!!!

 

Anyway? Once you've got the basic living expenses out of the way? Net income - living expenses ~ you've got what's left.

 

Take all of your creditors bills and add them up? Come up with a grand total. Then take the total of each bill? And divide it by the grand total of all the bills that you owe? This will give you a per centage? This is the per centage of your disposable incomethat you should be sending each month?

 

For example? (Keeping it simple!)

 

Let say you earn $2000 a month? And your living expenses come to a $1000. Your net disposable income is $1000. But you owe three bills? One is $1500 the other is $2000, and the last one is $3000? For a total of $6500?

 

$1500/6500 = roughly 23% or $230 a month?

$2000/6500 = roughly 30% or $300 a month?

$3000/6500 = roughly 46% or $462 a month

 

A total of $994 a month allowing for "rounding" allowances of the your total monthly "disposable income?"

 

Without getting too much into "financial mathematics", a course in economics, statistics, compound intrest, simple interest, yada, yada, yada ~ your actual term in "debt hell" is about half of the seven years you thought it was?

 

That is with a little determination, self control and self discilpline?

 

In Other words? Your sitting pretty than you thought your were! LOL!

 

Again? I highly recommend Mary Hunt's Book "DebtProof Living"

 

I've read Dave Ramsey's books, listen to his talk show? But, I err to the side of Mary's way of thinking? She's much more pro-active. She's much more about having a rainy day fund ~ because it going to rain!

[Gunny376]

Sorry!

 

Forgot to add to my last post!

 

WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GET IT IN YOUR HEAD THAT THE BEST THAT YOU DESERVED AND WAS ENTITLED TO IN LIFE WAS A LYING, CHEATING, DRUNK, ALCHOLIC, ADHD (NOTHING AGAISNT SUCH) AZZHAT OF A SOB?

 

Come on Confussed?

 

Your a LS Lady ~ and that means you're a Spartian! That means your "hard-corps!" "My" Corps! This isn't going to break ya! Its going to strengthen ya!

 

Your just getting your "steel" tempered!

 

Tell @sshat!

 

"You ain't seen nothing yet!

[Confused9]

Thank you Gunny.

 

I feel a little better about my debt situation. Thank goodness. You are right...I can and will do this. I am strong.

 

As for him and his issues. I don't know. Addicts surround me. I have 3 siblings and all 3 are or were addicted to opiates. My mom is an alcholic and so is my dad. I guess it was like my x was 'right at home'. I know one day I will feel I deserve better or at least I hope one day I feel that way. Unfortunately right now I don't see it at all.

 

Right now I feel as if he was the best I could ever get. OY! It's amazing what years of being a doormat and being treated like a second class citizen can do to you. I only hope I can start standing tall. I really hope I come out better than before.

 

I deserve it. I just hope one day he gets to see waht an amazing life I have and says to himself...I didn't break her...I lost her and it's a regret I will have forever. Again, I know I am putting too much thought in to his feelings but I can't help it. It's all I know.

 

Maybe one day it will be all about me?

[john30]

Confused,

 

From what I've read, you are a caring and thoughtful person, that is why you are feeling the way you feel. However, please be proud of these qualities you have, someone like you could not possibly understand the actions of someone like him.

 

John.

[Confused9]

Thank you John!!! : )

 

I hope someday someone see's that.