Just Started NC Today

[HeatherK08]

Sorry, I made a typo. I meant that neither of you should do something to "change" yourself for the other, nor should you want the other person to have to change something about himself/ herself for you.

 

I also wanted to add, thanks for the update and letting us know what's going on. I understand, kind of, where you're at and I'm not trying to bash you, just give you advice from an third party perspective, which of course you are free to give thought to, follow, ignore, etc. Best wishes.

 

thanks. I'm NOT beating myself up over this. People can just forget reading any whiney pleading posts from me about why this and why that, nor will I ever beg him to be with me - I want someone who wants me for me, not because I'm better than what they have. He needs to figure it out. I know what he's going through, I went through the same thing with an EA when I was married, except it was lust not love. I did end up getting divorced, but after 2 years and it had nothing to do with the OM.

 

I feel like now he knows there's another way of living (he's ONLY ever been with her for most of his life, married very young), so there's no excuses, if he stays he does so with the full knowledge of what he could've had. He should be at peace with it after that.

[HeatherK08]

Mrs. but thanks to the movement that you belong to, soon to be Ms.

 

Seems like having a mistress is way more emotionally draining and demanding than just being married to the typical W. Jeez, what's the fricking point? who would be crazy enough to deal with all the dramz that you guys come here to post. *****! Either Eli Lilly needs to come up with a specif formula of prozac labeled for your community of OW or these poor MM are going to drive the suicide rate of the charts.

 

 

Awwwww...it's not a movement deary - it's a lapse in sanity

I was also cheated on BUT - I realized that my failed marriage had nothing to do with that, that was just a symptom of deeper issues that could not be resolved even with 20 years of MC. That's why I don't want him to tell his W he's seeing me again, or if they split to NEVER tell her it was for me (it wouldn't be anyways), she needs to own up to her own responsibilities for the failure of the M and not blame me for it.

[nadiaj2727]

Perhaps you should read other posts of mine... where I joked, goofed, questioned and even got into racial and social debate with *Umh.. I forgot his name. I stumbled across this board by pure coincidence and you guys will def hate the post that directed me to this community as it was well written by a betrayed W. Gun sticking. "So Mean", trust me I am not. If I really said the way that I feel towards women that deliberately get involved with MM and then cry over the spilled milk, "mean" will not be your choice of word. As far as I can remember... I have only referred to the OW who my stbxH ran off with (He really didnt run, he's in jail. LOL) as the 2 cent skank or any other name I may have used, but have not used any form of disrespectful language towards any of the ladies and gents here. Everyone has opinions, some patronize, some disagree, and others relate.

Just like the 99ers here would say... not every situation is the same.

My attitude is bold- not mean, would be no different here or at the real wifes of orange county board ( is there one? lol).

 

Okay. Maybe I just interpret a lot of your posts as mean then. Thanks for the explanation. I still don't understand why you came to this board though and why you post to it?? But that doesn't matter, I'm not saying you shouldn't be here or post, I was just wondering out of my own curiosity.

 

Sorry for the t/j Heather.

[MimiMe]

Anyway, I get asked out all the time, I'm sure between dating and this board I can come to a point where I can go NC and he'll have 6 or 8 or 10 months of being with me to know what it's like enough that if he decides to leave or stay, he'll have had a good basis for comparison, he'll make the conscious and absolute decision and live with it.

 

Then WTF you waiting for girl?!?!? There is not better therapy than a good distraction. Don't use someone as a rebound either. What about if you meet someone that has all the time, attention, emotions, etc... SOLELY for you?

Why cheat yourself out of having a relationship in a different turf?

This is to no offense to anyone here... since I see that some cant handle certain comments. As I said before, all this drama that an A spark. Why go through it if the ending is soooo unpredictable. Being in a relationship is hard to begin with because every head is a different world and it is a learning process of two people loving and living with each other. Why be in one with all the extra?

Yes, some A start as something out the blue, with the assumption that most of us are not in HS we know more or less what the outcome of situations like these are. Either he leaves her or he leaves me but it wont be both... and if it is both one will not be the same as the other.

 

Now NadiaJ, I have posted briefs of my story, maybe one day I can post it all. Your head will go spinning and you will also ask questions as to why I stood in the situation that I was for almost 4 yrs. But I am out of if and I am the happiest I have been in yrs now that I am the outsider!!! (and to think the hardest part is hasn't even began).

People learn through their own experiences and things only get as far as you allow them too!!

 

Every single person have their reasons, but if they really didnt want to hear what anyone else have to say, they wouldnt come to these kind of communities. It's black, white and some are grey.

[Jess-Belle]

Would you, in the 'normal' dating world, decide to be with someone forever and ever after 4 months of dating? I don't think so!

 

Argh Heather... This just made my heart lurch. This line is, word for word, one of xMM's favorite painkiller lines, which I adopted myself, to keep me calm and complacent. I want to weep when I remember myself that way.

 

Don't tell yourself bollocks like this to help him buy time, ok?

 

Take care of yourself as best you can... I remember so crystal clear the things you are describing... how it hasn't been long enough for you to really know each other, trying so hard to let go but finding you just have tolet it keep going for a while longer because you can't take the idea of not being with him... I remember it very, very well...

 

My sympathies are with you

[nadiaj2727]

Then WTF you waiting for girl?!?!? There is not better therapy than a good distraction. Don't use someone as a rebound either. What about if you meet someone that has all the time, attention, emotions, etc... SOLELY for you?

Why cheat yourself out of having a relationship in a different turf?

This is to no offense to anyone here... since I see that some cant handle certain comments. As I said before, all this drama that an A spark. Why go through it if the ending is soooo unpredictable. Being in a relationship is hard to begin with because every head is a different world and it is a learning process of two people loving and living with each other. Why be in one with all the extra?

Yes, some A start as something out the blue, with the assumption that most of us are not in HS we know more or less what the outcome of situations like these are. Either he leaves her or he leaves me but it wont be both... and if it is both one will not be the same as the other.

 

Now NadiaJ, I have posted briefs of my story, maybe one day I can post it all. Your head will go spinning and you will also ask questions as to why I stood in the situation that I was for almost 4 yrs. But I am out of if and I am the happiest I have been in yrs now that I am the outsider!!! (and to think the hardest part is hasn't even began).

People learn through their own experiences and things only get as far as you allow them too!!

 

Every single person have their reasons, but if they really didnt want to hear what anyone else have to say, they wouldnt come to these kind of communities. It's black, white and some are grey.

 

I wasn't trying to start anything personal with you. I can handle your comments and I usually agree with them -- I am 100% against affairs. I think they are wrong and unjustifable no matter how bad the marriage is or no matter what the other person is doing etc. I just thought your comments sounded awfully hostile. It was the tone of your comments I found a little offensive, not the comments themselves.

[MimiMe]

Awwwww...it's not a movement deary - it's a lapse in sanity

I was also cheated on BUT - I realized that my failed marriage had nothing to do with that, that was just a symptom of deeper issues that could not be resolved even with 20 years of MC. That's why I don't want him to tell his W he's seeing me again, or if they split to NEVER tell her it was for me (it wouldn't be anyways), she needs to own up to her own responsibilities for the failure of the M and not blame me for it.

 

20YRS!??!!?!! How old are you?? you're not the chick in the pic then... cause wtf this guy took you out of daycare?

 

Because you know... that is really me in that photoshop picture. jk!

That is my look-a-like Ms. Carey.

 

*** please read into the sense of humor*** we dont want Nadia to report my IP.

 

and to answer to the religion question... no they were not engaged. she was not even allowed to have non-jewish friends, nonetheless date a hispanic kid.

[MimiMe]

I wasn't trying to start anything personal with you. I can handle your comments and I usually agree with them -- I am 100% against affairs. I think they are wrong and unjustifable no matter how bad the marriage is or no matter what the other person is doing etc. I just thought your comments sounded awfully hostile. It was the tone of your comments I found a little offensive, not the comments themselves.

 

Then dont let me sing to you... because you are going to hate me! LOL... I may look like Ms.Carey but lordy knows that I can't blow like her.

No pun...

[HeatherK08]

Then WTF you waiting for girl?!?!? There is not better therapy than a good distraction. Don't use someone as a rebound either. What about if you meet someone that has all the time, attention, emotions, etc... SOLELY for you?

Why cheat yourself out of having a relationship in a different turf?

This is to no offense to anyone here... since I see that some cant handle certain comments. As I said before, all this drama that an A spark. Why go through it if the ending is soooo unpredictable. Being in a relationship is hard to begin with because every head is a different world and it is a learning process of two people loving and living with each other. Why be in one with all the extra?

Yes, some A start as something out the blue, with the assumption that most of us are not in HS we know more or less what the outcome of situations like these are. Either he leaves her or he leaves me but it wont be both... and if it is both one will not be the same as the other.

 

Now NadiaJ, I have posted briefs of my story, maybe one day I can post it all. Your head will go spinning and you will also ask questions as to why I stood in the situation that I was for almost 4 yrs. But I am out of if and I am the happiest I have been in yrs now that I am the outsider!!! (and to think the hardest part is hasn't even began).

People learn through their own experiences and things only get as far as you allow them too!!

 

Every single person have their reasons, but if they really didnt want to hear what anyone else have to say, they wouldnt come to these kind of communities. It's black, white and some are grey.

 

I'm sure I would say the same things and give the same advice to someone in my shoes. Except ya never know what someone's going though unless you've been there yourself!!! I didn't really think I'd fall in love, thought I was gonna have a lil fun (I had a bf when I started seeing him) and move on. That's why it's hard, because you feel like it could never happen to you and when it does you're kind of stuck until you can get to a place where you realize it's not gonna happen.

[nadiaj2727]

20YRS!??!!?!! How old are you?? you're not the chick in the pic then... cause wtf this guy took you out of daycare?

 

Because you know... that is really me in that photoshop picture. jk!

That is my look-a-like Ms. Carey.

 

*** please read into the sense of humor*** we dont want Nadia to report my IP.

 

and to answer to the religion question... no they were not engaged. she was not even allowed to have non-jewish friends, nonetheless date a hispanic kid.

 

I won't report your IP, I don't report anyone... I hate all the censorship that goes on around here. I just tried to nicely ask you a curious question I had. You never really answers it and that's fine, you don't have to. I do appreciate your further explanation. Let me be as bold as you say you are and say, get over it already. It was just a simple question, I am not the censorship police.

[HeatherK08]

Argh Heather... This just made my heart lurch. This line is, word for word, one of xMM's favorite painkiller lines, which I adopted myself, to keep me calm and complacent. I want to weep when I remember myself that way.

 

Don't tell yourself bollocks like this to help him buy time, ok?

 

Take care of yourself as best you can... I remember so crystal clear the things you are describing... how it hasn't been long enough for you to really know each other, trying so hard to let go but finding you just have tolet it keep going for a while longer because you can't take the idea of not being with him... I remember it very, very well...

 

My sympathies are with you

 

Um actually I was telling myself that for ME...I haven't wanted a committed relationship for a while now, I like being alone.

 

But everything else you're right - sigh. BTW I am anything but complacent - i give him a hard time every day, if he starts to complain that his W does this or that I tell him I do the same thing, if he says he loves me i say yeah you love me now, in 5 years you'll be bored of me, if he wants me to listen or something i tell him i'm busy - i'm NOT his therapist and am damn well not going to be some feel good pill for him to be able to 'get through' his life.

[HeatherK08]

20YRS!??!!?!! How old are you?? you're not the chick in the pic then... cause wtf this guy took you out of daycare?

 

Because you know... that is really me in that photoshop picture. jk!

That is my look-a-like Ms. Carey.

 

*** please read into the sense of humor*** we dont want Nadia to report my IP.

 

and to answer to the religion question... no they were not engaged. she was not even allowed to have non-jewish friends, nonetheless date a hispanic kid.

 

We didn't actually have 20 years of MC, that was hypothetical missy! What I was saying was that the M couldn't be fixed, ever. He was physically abusive.

[whichwayisup]

he's ONLY ever been with her for most of his life, married very young)

 

And because of this, this actually may be the reason why they don't divorce. They have ALOT of history together, and family together too.

[MimiMe]

I won't report your IP, I don't report anyone... I hate all the censorship that goes on around here. I just tried to nicely ask you a curious question I had. You never really answers it and that's fine, you don't have to. I do appreciate your further explanation. Let me be as bold as you say you are and say, get over it already. It was just a simple question, I am not the censorship police.

 

 

Wait, what was the question???

[Jess-Belle]

Um actually I was telling myself that for ME...I haven't wanted a committed relationship for a while now, I like being alone.

 

No I understand it's you saying this to yourself... but as you've also expressed, you want a life with MM. I was just sad thinking you tell yourself this to ease that pain some, you know, make the waiting more bearable.

 

I can't help feel at times that we as OW are masochists.

 

But everything else you're right - sigh. BTW I am anything but complacent - i give him a hard time every day, if he starts to complain that his W does this or that I tell him I do the same thing, if he says he loves me i say yeah you love me now, in 5 years you'll be bored of me, if he wants me to listen or something i tell him i'm busy - i'm NOT his therapist and am damn well not going to be some feel good pill for him to be able to 'get through' his life.

 

I hope that your words aren't falling on deaf ears...

I don't know your situation in intricate detail, I was just taken in by many of the things you have said... you sound so much like I used to, it brought back so many memories of my own situation. Sorry for feeling so afraid for you, can't help it I guess

 

BTW, you look a lot like Kate Bosworth

[HeatherK08]

No I understand it's you saying this to yourself... but as you've also expressed, you want a life with MM. I was just sad thinking you tell yourself this to ease that pain some, you know, make the waiting more bearable.

 

I can't help feel at times that we as OW are masochists.

 

 

 

I hope that your words aren't falling on deaf ears...

I don't know your situation in intricate detail, I was just taken in by many of the things you have said... you sound so much like I used to, it brought back so many memories of my own situation. Sorry for feeling so afraid for you, can't help it I guess

 

BTW, you look a lot like Kate Bosworth

 

I soooooo appreciate it, really. I'd feel sorry for me too, I'm usually the good friend giving the advice. I know, ya wanna shake me and tell me I'm hurting myself. It may not be everything I wanted it to be, but it did change me. Now I know what I want in a man (w/out the baggage) and won't settle for less. It's not that our love is soooo amazing, I've been in love before, but it's the kind of love, it's more gentle, respectful, and genuine than what I've exprienced before. It's softened me (I'm known for being closed off and wearing a permanent frown). I plan to take that with me if that's all I come away with. That there IS a different kind of love out there and I won't be fooled again by immature abusive jerk who will cheat on me if I gain 10 lbs. I believe in love again and if that's all I get out of it then I can't thank him enough for showing me.

[HeatherK08]

And because of this, this actually may be the reason why they don't divorce. They have ALOT of history together, and family together too.

 

I know. But I was in the same boat. Was with him since I was 14!!! Together for 12 years, 2 kids. And religion mixed in as well, people telling me I was going to hell for getting a divorce.

 

Sorry but no excuses, history and/or family or not - you either choose to martyr yourself for the 'greater good' (a delusion in my eyes) or you choose to be happy and give real happiness to your kids so they know what it actually looks like. These kids are gonna grow up and guess what? You're stuck with that person you've been hiding behind the kids from for another 20 or 30 years alone in the house together.

[nadiaj2727]

Wait, what was the question???

 

LOL. The question was, why do you come and post on the OW/ OP forum?

[findmyway]

I know. But I was in the same boat. Was with him since I was 14!!! Together for 12 years, 2 kids. And religion mixed in as well, people telling me I was going to hell for getting a divorce.

 

Sorry but no excuses, history and/or family or not - you either choose to martyr yourself for the 'greater good' (a delusion in my eyes) or you choose to be happy and give real happiness to your kids so they know what it actually looks like. These kids are gonna grow up and guess what? You're stuck with that person you've been hiding behind the kids from for another 20 or 30 years alone in the house together.

 

Heather- I can relate to what you say about showing your kids real happiness. My parents divorced when I was a teenager, although they had been separated since I was in 3rd grade!! Gosh talk about drawn out... I never thought anything of it then, but geez!!! Anyway, they got along ok, but they just weren't truly happy... they loved each other but they fought alot... and I know there were other issues that as a child I probably didnt know about. I think they probably did stay 'just separated' so long because they had been together so long, the families were greatly intertwined with each other, 3 children, there was a business involved etc etc etc. They finally did divorce later in life (and after 27 yrs of marriage) after my mom found someone she wanted to marry (they had dated others throughout the separation). I still am not so sure my dad was ready to 100% let go, but he had no choice really at that point. Well... here we are many years later. My mom is remarried to the man she had met and they are crazy happy. My mom is certainly more happy than I have ever seen her and my stepdad treats her like gold. My dad eventually got remarried too a few years later. Guess what, he is crazy happy too. I mean he and his wife are like the ridiculious, almost makes me sick kind of happy. I know my mom and dad together would have never been able to acheive the level of happiness each of them have now found. My mom and dad loved each other terribly and still have some type of love for each other- i can still see it my dads eyes sometimes when my mom's name comes up. However, they undoubtedly made the best choice. If they had done it earlier maybe they would have had even more years of happiness. I do know before the divorce they had a period where my mom was going to move back home. I remembered praying that she would not!!! I just didnt want to hear them fight. Well, she ended up not and it certainly worked out for the best. They didn't take the easy route to get to where they are now, but they got there and I think they would each agree it was worth the happiness they found.

[noforgiveness]

Awwwww...it's not a movement deary - it's a lapse in sanity

I was also cheated on BUT - I realized that my failed marriage had nothing to do with that, that was just a symptom of deeper issues that could not be resolved even with 20 years of MC. That's why I don't want him to tell his W he's seeing me again, or if they split to NEVER tell her it was for me (it wouldn't be anyways), she needs to own up to her own responsibilities for the failure of the M and not blame me for it.

 

 

Then why don't you prove that and STEP AWAY? Let the marriage end it's death without you in it. Sorry you are a third party in this marriage right now. The big pink elephant in the room every moment they are together. You are really deluding yourself if you think you are not part of the equation. I guess you don't have enough confidence in this great love to walk away or you would do just that and let them sort out their life first.

[MimiMe]

LOL. The question was, why do you come and post on the OW/ OP forum?

 

 

Sorry to have missed that question in the mist of our past convo.

But I want to say somewhere in all that text I answered it, just not crytal...

 

I came across the forum because it was directly linked to another board on a members post didnt even know that the community was about "love" period. Basically just directed me to OW/OM section. I'm not a blogger and this is probably the second community that I have ever ever visited or signed up for.

 

When I started reading... I was in shock that actually there are so many people in this situation and also thinking that is just perfect to live this way. Wrecking homes, marriages, families, hurting themselves and everyone else in between, even innocent people that have done absolutely nothing to you!! Some have psychological issues that they cant help and this type of relationships are more of a behavioral issue, some in fact did fall in love with an "impossible" and made it happened, some are just women that dont give a ish or just dont want the responsability of a committed relationship... the reasons could be endless but the results fall in very few categories. There all kinds of scenarios here, some are genuine and the parties involved have kept their cool (to those, G*d bless!) but there are some that are just way over the top!

Sad.

 

To me is basically reading the mind of a "serial killer". I am interested, because it affected me directly. Like I said in another post, it's sitting onthe faiting couch minus the co-pay and the $250 fee that she charges my insurance. LOL! I am still in the "getting over it" process and the worst is not here yet! (need to find myself another community for that episode!)

 

You... I have read some of your post and you are very smart and witty- yet very understanding and unbias.

 

Like I said, if you knew more of my story you will understand why I would even waste the bandwith.

[HeatherK08]

Then why don't you prove that and STEP AWAY? Let the marriage end it's death without you in it. Sorry you are a third party in this marriage right now. The big pink elephant in the room every moment they are together. You are really deluding yourself if you think you are not part of the equation. I guess you don't have enough confidence in this great love to walk away or you would do just that and let them sort out their life first.

 

OOoo here come the challenges Yes after 4 months of dating the man I'm sure we will live together happily ever after. I do know I'm part of the equation, did you see all my posts where i said I know I need to go NC I'm just not ready right now? This is me learning MY lesson, on MY time - but thanks for the nudge, [sarcasm] I know it's because you really care about me [/sarcasm]

[noforgiveness]

Well basically from this quote:

 

That's why I don't want him to tell his W he's seeing me again, or if they split to NEVER tell her it was for me (it wouldn't be anyways), she needs to own up to her own responsibilities for the failure of the M and not blame me for it.

 

You think if he doesn't tell her you are involved then you can stay in denial and not be involved with their breakup. That's very brave of you and him. Let her wonder what happened but hey yes she'll have to own up to something won't she since you will make sure he doesn't tell the truth.

[HeatherK08]

Well basically from this quote:

 

That's why I don't want him to tell his W he's seeing me again, or if they split to NEVER tell her it was for me (it wouldn't be anyways), she needs to own up to her own responsibilities for the failure of the M and not blame me for it.

 

You think if he doesn't tell her you are involved then you can stay in denial and not be involved with their breakup. That's very brave of you and him. Let her wonder what happened but hey yes she'll have to own up to something won't she since you will make sure he doesn't tell the truth.

 

From someone who's been cheated on in a M - the realization that he's choosing someone 'over' you is devastating. I don't think she can handle the blow honestly. This is an older woman who was raised very sheltered and religiously and has probably only ever been with him in her lifetime. In her mind for him to leave her and come to me would just crush her - she would think it's all about looks and youth and might not recover from that. I'm serious. I wouldn't ever want her to go through what I went through, I felt suicidal for almost a year when I found out about xH's A's. If he stays, she should know everything, if he leaves - there's no reason to completely crush this woman.

Edited March 12, 2008 by HeatherK08
typo

[noforgiveness]

From someone who's been cheated on in a M - the realization that he's choosing someone 'over' you is devastating. I don't think she can handle the blow honestly. This is an older woman who was raised very sheltered and religiously and has probably only ever been with him in her lifetime. In her mind for him to leave her and come to me would just crush her - she would think it's all about looks and youth and might not recover from that. I'm serious. I wouldn't ever want her to go through what I went through, I felt suicidal for almost a year when I found out about xH's A's. If he stays, she should know everything, if he leaves - there's no reason to completely crush this woman.

 

 

So you actually believe you are protecting this woman by not telling her? Now you are really in denial. She is trying to repair her marriage and she has no clue what she is up against. He goes to counseling with her and then goes to you for the emotional support. If you are not going to step away fine but do not lie to yourself to try to portray youself as a caring person.