Just Started NC Today

[HeatherK08]

So you actually believe you are protecting this woman by not telling her? Now you are really in denial. She is trying to repair her marriage and she has no clue what she is up against. He goes to counseling with her and then goes to you for the emotional support. If you are not going to step away fine but do not lie to yourself to try to portray youself as a caring person.

 

I just said, if he stays, she should know everything. If he goes, there's no reason to upset her anymore than she already will be.

[MimiMe]

From someone who's been cheated on in a M - the realization that he's choosing someone 'over' you is devastating. I don't think she can handle the blow honestly. This is an older woman who was raised very sheltered and religiously and has probably only ever been with him in her lifetime. In her mind for him to leave her and come to me would just crush her - she would think it's all about looks and youth and might not recover from that. I'm serious. I wouldn't ever want her to go through what I went through, I felt suicidal for almost a year when I found out about xH's A's. If he stays, she should know everything, if he leaves - there's no reason to completely crush this woman.

 

 

And this may be a secong round at this question... but may I ask- Why are you involved with a person in this situation, due to the fact that you have experienced the same?

There are usually 2 time of mentality to this. Just wonder your side.

[Owl]

Again, its not the "telling her" that's the source of the pain...its the fact that you slept with her H that will hurt her.

 

The AFFAIR garaunteed she was going to be hurt eventually...its just a matter of WHEN.

 

I never understand why people equate telling the BS with causing the pain...its totally not true. The choice to have an affair was the cause of the pain. Telling just sets the stage for the BS to deal with it.

[whichwayisup]

That there IS a different kind of love out there and I won't be fooled again by immature abusive jerk who will cheat on me if I gain 10 lbs

 

But you will be with a man who cheats on his wife? Remember, he is capable of deceiving, he's done it to his wife and betrayed his kids too - His whole family unit. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he won't ever do that to you (in the future if you two DO end up together)..

 

Do the NC. For yourself.

 

I just said, if he stays, she should know everything. If he goes, there's no reason to upset her anymore than she already will be.

 

True, but it isn't up to you to tell her. That's his place to tell her.

 

Anyway, you have no idea what will happen, their counselling will either help fix their marriage or help end it in a healthier way for their children's sake. Don't play therapist to him, don't ask questions about their marriage, and their progress. This way you don't get hurt.

[HeatherK08]

But you will be with a man who cheats on his wife? Remember, he is capable of deceiving, he's done it to his wife and betrayed his kids too - His whole family unit. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he won't ever do that to you (in the future if you two DO end up together)..

 

Do the NC. For yourself.

 

True, but it isn't up to you to tell her. That's his place to tell her.

 

Anyway, you have no idea what will happen, their counselling will either help fix their marriage or help end it in a healthier way for their children's sake. Don't play therapist to him, don't ask questions about their marriage, and their progress. This way you don't get hurt.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see how you betray children with infidelity - the true betrayal was staying married to someone you weren't in love with and faking happiness so the kids will never know what it ACTUALLY looks like. I'm sure all of the children who turn 18 and suddenly get the news that their parents are divorcing know EXACTLY what I'm talking about - they are the ones who grow up never fully trusting anyone and resist marrying. By telling the kids you're leaving for someone else THAT is damaging - why should it be about anyone else? The M failed and that's it - if we 'end up together' I wouldn't be meeting or be involved in his children's lives for a long time, it wouldn't be healthy for them.

 

We're all capable of deceiving. I cheated once on my xH - would NEVER do that again to anyone - for my own sake. I'd have to judge that for myself when we are in our own relationship. So far he has given me access to any emails he has - we work together, I can see him 'check up on him' anytime, I've snooped, tested, etc., I'm all too aware of the games cheaters play having been one myself, so far he's passed.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry, but I don't see how you betray children with infidelity

 

Are you joking?

 

We're all capable of deceiving.

 

But most choose not to.

[HeatherK08]

And this may be a secong round at this question... but may I ask- Why are you involved with a person in this situation, due to the fact that you have experienced the same?

There are usually 2 time of mentality to this. Just wonder your side.

 

What I experienced was NOT the same. My xH was a sex addict, cheated on me both times when I was pregnant with his children and had a loooooong list of girlfriends that I was oblivious about. These girls knew he was married and were fine with just having a 'good time' with him. He even had the nerve to suggest and get me to choose our second daughter's name that happened to be someone's name he was seeing at work. So I have a constant reminder of his infidelity. Really nice. If he had come home and told me he was in love with someone else things would've been a lot different - I think I could've understood and dealt with that.

 

I want a life with him (MM), not a good time, if he doesn't leave soon I will not continue to see him, I just can't do it. He knows it.

[Owl]

We're all capable of deceiving. I cheated once on my xH - would NEVER do that again to anyone - for my own sake. I'd have to judge that for myself when we are in our own relationship. So far he has given me access to any emails he has - we work together, I can see him 'check up on him' anytime, I've snooped, tested, etc., I'm all too aware of the games cheaters play having been one myself, so far he's passed.

 

Except for the fact that he's cheating WITH you, right?!?!?!

 

So far, you've been cheated on by your xH...and you've cheated on your xH...and you're currently in an affair with a MM, so therefore helping him to cheat on his wife.

 

I'm not sure...I could be wrong...but I'm just barely making out the vaguest hints of a potential pattern forming here?

[whichwayisup]

What I experienced was NOT the same. My xH was a sex addict, cheated on me both times when I was pregnant with his children and had a loooooong list of girlfriends that I was oblivious about. These girls knew he was married and were fine with just having a 'good time' with him. He even had the nerve to suggest and get me to choose our second daughter's name that happened to be someone's name he was seeing at work. So I have a constant reminder of his infidelity.

 

Explain to me how this didn't affect the kids and how (his) infidelity wasn't a betrayal not only to you, but to his own children?

 

I want a life with him (MM), not a good time, if he doesn't leave soon I will not continue to see him, I just can't do it. He knows it.

 

Good. Don't settle for table scraps.

[HeatherK08]

Are you joking?

 

Nope.

 

But most choose not to.

 

Do you have any statistical facts to prove that? You think people will actually admit to anyone if they were unfaithful at least once in their marriages? Or that they haven't flirted or done something along those lines?

[MimiMe]

So far he has given me access to any emails he has - we work together, I can see him 'check up on him' anytime, I've snooped, tested, etc., I'm all too aware of the games cheaters play having been one myself, so far he's passed.

 

 

Do you have access to all of that because he wants to prove himself of being worth your trust or because you demanded this?

[whichwayisup]

Ask your children this question.

 

If you cheated on your husband and it wasn't him, don't YOU think that you'd be betraying them as a family unit?

[MimiMe]

What I experienced was NOT the same. My xH was a sex addict, cheated on me both times when I was pregnant with his children and had a loooooong list of girlfriends that I was oblivious about. These girls knew he was married and were fine with just having a 'good time' with him. He even had the nerve to suggest and get me to choose our second daughter's name that happened to be someone's name he was seeing at work. So I have a constant reminder of his infidelity. Really nice. If he had come home and told me he was in love with someone else things would've been a lot different - I think I could've understood and dealt with that.

 

I want a life with him (MM), not a good time, if he doesn't leave soon I will not continue to see him, I just can't do it. He knows it.

 

 

OH JEEZ!! The name thing has no mercy. More like a sex addict... this dude was a mental wreck. Sorry to hear that babygirl. Hope your MM gives you the life that every woman deserves and you can live in harmony.

[HeatherK08]

Except for the fact that he's cheating WITH you, right?!?!?!

 

So far, you've been cheated on by your xH...and you've cheated on your xH...and you're currently in an affair with a MM, so therefore helping him to cheat on his wife.

 

I'm not sure...I could be wrong...but I'm just barely making out the vaguest hints of a potential pattern forming here?

 

My xH was abusive and I wanted out of the M but was scared, thought I found an 'out' by having an EA with a coworker, but xH wasn't buying it and wanted me to stay. Realized I needed to leave for me and my children's sake, so I did, never cheated on him besides that.

 

I've also had 2 other relationships in between that were monogamous - nice try but no cigar there buddy.

 

The only pattern I see for myself is not finding someone who can give me what I need, but I'd rather not share all the aspects of that on a public forum where no one would really give a crap if I never posted again.

[HeatherK08]

Do you have access to all of that because he wants to prove himself of being worth your trust or because you demanded this?

 

He gave it to me, without me asking, after 1 month of seeing him - he knew right away that it seemed pretty hypocritical of me to trust him, he still knows it and says we'd have to go to couple's counseling to build trust and sort all this stuff out.

 

I'm glad for all of these responses, talking about it is making me tired of the whole thing!!! lol.

[HeatherK08]

Explain to me how this didn't affect the kids and how (his) infidelity wasn't a betrayal not only to you, but to his own children?

 

 

 

Good. Don't settle for table scraps.

 

His relationship with me had nothing to do with our kids - he can be an awful husband, but can be a great Dad. Different issues.

[whichwayisup]

The only pattern I see for myself is not finding someone who can give me what I need, but I'd rather not share all the aspects of that on a public forum where no one would really give a crap if I never posted again.

 

If we didn't care, we wouldn't be replying to your posts, silly! I know I've been harsh, but tough love goes a long way and later on you may look back and see what some have been saying...

 

Anyway, time will tell either way. Unfortunately everything is out of your hands, it's between him and his wife now.

[Jess-Belle]

I'm sorry, but I don't see how you betray children with infidelity -

 

Well I can give you one example from something that only clicked for me like maybe 3 weeks ago or so.

 

My parents were separated since I was extremely young, but didn't divorce til I was 12. But all during that time, I'd go visit my dad, who lived in another country, each summer. My dad wasn't openly with any other woman around me. As far as I could see with my kid eyes, he was by himself. That, and as far as I was concerned, he was still married to my mother. Still married means not divorced, and when you're a kid, that means a lot, even if your parents haven't lived together for as long as you can remember.

 

One time when he was wasted, he made some comment about leaving me to be babysat by this whole laundry list of women. Even though my kid mind didn't logically assume he was romantically involved with these women, my emotional response was still like WTF? What about my mom? Who are all these women in your life?! I felt he had betrayed her, and me, in kind. Our family.

 

Of course now so many years later I realize that yes, my dad was a big ol player. And then I turned into him.

 

So yes, it affects children, a lot.

 

I used to say the same thing too as an OW, that what a load of balls it was that the children are also betrayed in an A situation. I thought people said that to be melodramatic. But it was just me wanting to brush off everything about what I was doing. I was a real a-hole. *sigh*

[HeatherK08]

Ask your children this question.

 

If you cheated on your husband and it wasn't him, don't YOU think that you'd be betraying them as a family unit?

 

No, again I can be a wife who made mistakes, but still be a great mom - I mean if that's the case, then anyone who's cheated shouldn't be parenting?

 

Actually that line of thinking is pretty detrimental - I mean most therapists have a hard time convincing the kids that it wasn't their fault and it had nothing to do with them so they can move on...and you're saying we should all view it as a betrayal to the children, so they can feel betrayed and grow up with this on their backs for years and years?

 

If my Dad cheated on my Mom, I'd say to myself, that's pretty f-ed up I guess THEY have issues that THEY need to deal with.

[whichwayisup]

His relationship with me had nothing to do with our kids - he can be an awful husband, but can be a great Dad. Different issues.

 

Yes, but he betrayed ALL of you as a family unit. Infidelity just doesn't affect the BS, it affects the kids too. Their whole lives get turned upside down as well.

[HeatherK08]

If we didn't care, we wouldn't be replying to your posts, silly! I know I've been harsh, but tough love goes a long way and later on you may look back and see what some have been saying...

 

Anyway, time will tell either way. Unfortunately everything is out of your hands, it's between him and his wife now.

 

Yes, I'm holding onto this thread with all I have...thank you.

[HeatherK08]

Well I can give you one example from something that only clicked for me like maybe 3 weeks ago or so.

 

My parents were separated since I was extremely young, but didn't divorce til I was 12. But all during that time, I'd go visit my dad, who lived in another country, each summer. My dad wasn't openly with any other woman around me. As far as I could see with my kid eyes, he was by himself. That, and as far as I was concerned, he was still married to my mother. Still married means not divorced, and when you're a kid, that means a lot, even if your parents haven't lived together for as long as you can remember.

 

One time when he was wasted, he made some comment about leaving me to be babysat by this whole laundry list of women. Even though my kid mind didn't logically assume he was romantically involved with these women, my emotional response was still like WTF? What about my mom? Who are all these women in your life?! I felt he had betrayed her, and me, in kind. Our family.

 

Of course now so many years later I realize that yes, my dad was a big ol player. And then I turned into him.

 

So yes, it affects children, a lot.

 

I used to say the same thing too as an OW, that what a load of balls it was that the children are also betrayed in an A situation. I thought people said that to be melodramatic. But it was just me wanting to brush off everything about what I was doing. I was a real a-hole. *sigh*

 

Thanks for your perspective. Cheating does affect children, I'm not disagreeing with that. My kids' dad cheats on his girlfriend and they found out about it and they think he's crummy for it and when they grow up I'm sure they'll resent him for it. I can't control him or what he does, I can only show my kids my life (they know nothing of this situation).

 

If the MM was a habitual cheater then yes I would say what a betrayal. It is sad and an awful thing to happen to a family. I also think it's awful to turn 18 and see your parents divorce and realize it was a LIE the whole time, I can't tell you how many people (still single) I talk to who are terrified of getting married because of it. If he's going to leave, it shouldn't be 'for' me, they shouldn't know or think that and he will have to work on helping them cope with the divorce.

[MimiMe]

Yes, but he betrayed ALL of you as a family unit. Infidelity just doesn't affect the BS, it affects the kids too. Their whole lives get turned upside down as well.

 

 

Tell me about it. Imagine explaining to your 7 yr old who idolizes his father... that 1. his father is in the "army" (he's really in prison but my son doesn't need to know that now) one day when he is old enough he will be told the truth. and 2. We are moving and when daddy comes back mommy and daddy are not going to live together.

 

My son stands in front of the picture of his father (which is the only thing and his motorcycle helmet that my son refused to leave, that we brought to the new place that has to do with him) and I could just imagine what he is asking in silence. I am not equiped to answer why is daddy really not going to live with us anymore- question.

Next month I will start taking him to therapy so when the big bang happens, it is easier to crack.

G*d works in misterious ways... perhaps his incarceration is a easier way of letting go of the home we once had. Who knows.

Breaks my heat in a million pieces to see my son stand in front of that picture or hug that helmet. Hurts more than being betrayed, because my son was cheated too.

[HeatherK08]

Yes, but he betrayed ALL of you as a family unit. Infidelity just doesn't affect the BS, it affects the kids too. Their whole lives get turned upside down as well.

 

I'm trying to figure this out.

 

If the xH cheated on me and the kids KNEW about it, they would feel betrayed because of their loyalty feelings towards me as their mother. I get that. They don't know that he ever cheated on me, I never told them. I don't think kids need to know about that stuff, they aren't capable of processing and understanding it - one day they will be grown up and make mistakes of their own (hopefully not). I'm not going to ruin their relationship with their Father because he couldn't keep it in his pants, they had nothing to do with it. I don't understand why it has to be something children know about?

 

Why is it wrong of me for not wanting his W or kids to know about me if he leaves?

[MimiMe]

I don't understand why it has to be something children know about?

 

Why is it wrong of me for not wanting his W or kids to know about me if he leaves?

 

 

1. I dont think they need to know the whole drama if they are little but eventually they will be old enough to want to know everything that happened. Chances are that they will make their own judgement and the parent at fault will have to deal with the dents. Yes, I know that it shouldnt take away the fact that "I am still your wonderful loving parent no matter what"- does apply. I have a guy friend that comes from a split home where the father cheated and left his mother for the OW and let me tell ya' my friend is ONE troubled adult because of it.

 

2. What is wrong with you? MHO- could be that you have a conscience and it's kicking in by you trying to keep yourself unexposed. What do you think?