Just Started NC Today

[HeatherK08]

heather please delete the email address please. Not a good idea especially on a site such as this.

 

I tried to edit it - says I can't?

[JMC]

I am not a BS (if this was aimed at me)? Owl is a BS but I don't think he was being bitter, he was just asking Heather questions to HELP her "reflect" on her own situation.

 

I think we were all trying to let Heather talk and reflect. Sometimes it is hard to know what kind of "support" the OW is looking for. By "let us be", do you mean that we should let her and other OW post her thoughts and not answer? We should only answer if we agree with everything she says? What kind of a "forum" would that be?

 

I agree that people shouldn't come here just to attack all OWs out of a personal vendetta. I don't like when posts are hostile and spiteful just because. But that is not at all what I thought Owl was doing. I thought he was listening to what Heather had to say and then giving her his opinion and also trying to help Heather sort out all her different emotions and thoughts. I am not sure what in Owl's posts made Heather react with sarcasm and hurt. So I was just expressing my confusion and perhaps asking Heather what Owl is doing wrong so I can make sure not to do it.

 

I have nothing against you Heather. I really relate to you and I could not judge you for anything because I have stood in your same shoes. *Most* people in this forum have had some kind of experience with affairs -- no matter what end they were on -- and I think it only goes to show that affairs are hurtful to everyone involved in them either willingly or unwillingly. Yes I think you should be in NC for *you* and because I think it's the right thing to do etc. but I understand that you don't want to do that right now and I'm not holding that against you. It took me a long time to go NC from my xMM and if I remember correctly it also took Owl's wife quite awhile to go NC from her xOM as well. It's naturally a drawn-out process and finally you will just get there but we will be here for you whether you're in NC or not. Owl is a consistently supportive (as in, giving his honest opinion and advice about everyone's own situation, yes, based on his past experiences being hurt as a result of an affair) poster who never says (at least as far as I've heard) "I'm done trying to talk to you because you are not doing what I think you should do." I think Owl understands that and I don't think he has anything personal against you either, I think he was just trying to help. But I will let that be between you two. I just wanted to say that I am here for you no matter what you decide and I am pretty sure Owl is too.

 

This wasn't directed at you or Owl...I shoulda specified.

 

Sometimes I think the OW's needs to just talk and get some understanding and acceptance here so they can figure out their situation conflicts with BS's need to tell their side and give warnings and advice.

 

Both are valid; it's just that they conflict sometimes.

 

And I love Owl and appreciate his experience and wisdom, but sometimes (re: Heather) I'm more biased and protective towards OW's because I've been there.

 

In reference to your question that I bolded (a very good, valid question):

 

NO I don't think you shouldn't necessarily answer when OW's post their thoughts; but I DO believe that since this is a forum FOR OW/M's, that the answers to their posts should be with THAT IN MIND - that this is THEIR FORUM - and too often the answers AREN'T.

 

I'm NOT saying that everything has to be all light, fluffy, and in agreement with everything the OW/M do or say. Just please be gentle and supportive.

 

I know for a fact that the harshness of responses here has made many OW/M's not post about their situations (me included) - and that is horrible because we need to talk about our stuff. We wouldn't be here if we didn't.

 

How sad - that some of us are too afraid to post the truth of our situations in the very forum that was created for just such a thing - all because we don't need more insult added on top of our considerable injury.

 

So again, this isn't towards anyone in particular. I'm just stating the same refrain - that I want OW/M's to feel accepted and safe here and not always defending their situation. It takes valuable time and energy away from dealing with the situation itself.

[findmyway]

Well said, JNC.

[HeatherK08]

This wasn't directed at you or Owl...I shoulda specified.

 

Sometimes I think the OW's needs to just talk and get some understanding and acceptance here so they can figure out their situation conflicts with BS's need to tell their side and give warnings and advice.

 

Both are valid; it's just that they conflict sometimes.

 

And I love Owl and appreciate his experience and wisdom, but sometimes (re: Heather) I'm more biased and protective towards OW's because I've been there.

 

In reference to your question that I bolded (a very good, valid question):

 

NO I don't think you shouldn't necessarily answer when OW's post their thoughts; but I DO believe that since this is a forum FOR OW/M's, that the answers to their posts should be with THAT IN MIND - that this is THEIR FORUM - and too often the answers AREN'T.

 

I'm NOT saying that everything has to be all light, fluffy, and in agreement with everything the OW/M do or say. Just please be gentle and supportive.

 

I know for a fact that the harshness of responses here has made many OW/M's not post about their situations (me included) - and that is horrible because we need to talk about our stuff. We wouldn't be here if we didn't.

 

How sad - that some of us are too afraid to post the truth of our situations in the very forum that was created for just such a thing - all because we don't need more insult added on top of our considerable injury.

 

So again, this isn't towards anyone in particular. I'm just stating the same refrain - that I want OW/M's to feel accepted and safe here and not always defending their situation. It takes valuable time and energy away from dealing with the situation itself.

 

Good post, and to anyone hesitant at posting, go for it - you can always ignore those posts and respond to the ones that are helpful. You need this for you, for your own insight - get what you can from it, use it for yourself to keep you focused. The rest will come with time.

[nadiaj2727]

Thanks for the explanation and insight JMC. I will try to keep that in mind as I post and I hope others do too. ~Nadia

[HeatherK08]

The more and more that I realized what kind of situation I put myself in the more I realized that 1) if we had any chance I need to stop this now in order to preserve our love and respect for eachother, 2) I couldn't possibly continue on like this, I want a life with him, not an affair, and 3) his M deserves a chance to repair itself without my interference.

 

I told him that I could no longer have an affair with him, that I loved him and hoped that he will be at peace with whatever happens in his M. He asked me if this is really want I wanted and wished me well after saying he wanted to talk to me first, but realized some things are better left unsaid. I went to therapy right after and she was very supportive of me. She said she thinks that this time I will be able to maintain it and to write her an email if I get tempted to contact him.

 

So I guess this is the beginning of the part of figuring out how to live life without his companionship. I was very angry earlier, at him and myself for putting myself in this position but now I just feel numb.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're in pain and hurting though you've done the right thing for yourself. Hanging onto him and hoping for a future would have continually hurt you..Atleast this way you can start to heal and detach - Enough to be OK without him in your life.

 

Anytime you feel like contacting him, email your T and/or post here. Go to the coping section and read nofoolin's guide to No Contact thread. I'll bump it up in that section so it will be on the 1st page.

[findmyway]

Heather- it seems you are in a similiar boat as me now, letting MM go do his own thing and decide for himself whether he wants to be w/you or if his marriage can work out. It is sooooo difficult allowing them this time, but I have come to believe that it is necessary as well if their is any chance of a future should the marriage not work out. If the M does work out, then I figure already being in the midst of the healing process may be very, very helpful. Good luck w/NC. It won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it. You will either end up with MM in the end, or you will get your own life back. Something positive has to come of it.

[HeatherK08]

Sorry you're in pain and hurting though you've done the right thing for yourself. Hanging onto him and hoping for a future would have continually hurt you..Atleast this way you can start to heal and detach - Enough to be OK without him in your life.

 

Anytime you feel like contacting him, email your T and/or post here. Go to the coping section and read nofoolin's guide to No Contact thread. I'll bump it up in that section so it will be on the 1st page.

 

Thanks, I'll look at it. Have been tearing up all day.

[HeatherK08]

Heather- it seems you are in a similiar boat as me now, letting MM go do his own thing and decide for himself whether he wants to be w/you or if his marriage can work out. It is sooooo difficult allowing them this time, but I have come to believe that it is necessary as well if their is any chance of a future should the marriage not work out. If the M does work out, then I figure already being in the midst of the healing process may be very, very helpful. Good luck w/NC. It won't be easy, but hopefully it will be worth it. You will either end up with MM in the end, or you will get your own life back. Something positive has to come of it.

 

You're right, either way something good has to come out of it, even if I had continued to hang on to what we had, it wouldn't have been real. I miss him so much.

[noforgiveness]

Heather I do not understand how you can keep seeing him when he already did the hard part. He left. It should have been the beginning for you instead he went back to her and still has you on the side. He has it just perfect and you right where he wants you.

 

You seem like an intelligent woman. I just don't understand how you can allow him to keep you after he chose to move back in with her.

 

oops just saw you ended it. GREAT!!!! now you can start living happy.

 

Tell his wife.

Edited March 13, 2008 by noforgiveness

[HeatherK08]

Heather I do not understand how you can keep seeing him when he already did the hard part. He left. It should have been the beginning for you instead he went back to her and still has you on the side. He has it just perfect and you right where he wants you.

 

You seem like an intelligent woman. I just don't understand how you can allow him to keep you after he chose to move back in with her.

 

oops just saw you ended it. GREAT!!!! now you can start living happy.

 

Tell his wife.

 

No way am I telling his wife - we were together for 6 weeks without her knowing, that's his problem, his issue. I really didn't expect him to leave that first time, didn't ask him to - he did it on his own and got scared. Well now he'll have to live without his cushion. Either he'll put up with his life or he won't but I no longer have anything to do with it.

[nadiaj2727]

The more and more that I realized what kind of situation I put myself in the more I realized that 1) if we had any chance I need to stop this now in order to preserve our love and respect for eachother, 2) I couldn't possibly continue on like this, I want a life with him, not an affair, and 3) his M deserves a chance to repair itself without my interference.

 

I told him that I could no longer have an affair with him, that I loved him and hoped that he will be at peace with whatever happens in his M. He asked me if this is really want I wanted and wished me well after saying he wanted to talk to me first, but realized some things are better left unsaid. I went to therapy right after and she was very supportive of me. She said she thinks that this time I will be able to maintain it and to write her an email if I get tempted to contact him.

 

So I guess this is the beginning of the part of figuring out how to live life without his companionship. I was very angry earlier, at him and myself for putting myself in this position but now I just feel numb.

 

Good for you! I am really proud of you!!! Wish I could jet over to NYC and take you out for a celebratory post.

 

I know it's hard but you will also feel stronger every time you don't contact him when you want to.

 

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!

[MimiMe]

Good for you! I am really proud of you!!! Wish I could jet over to NYC and take you out for a celebratory post.

 

I know it's hard but you will also feel stronger every time you don't contact him when you want to.

 

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Ditto! I'M in NYC.. holla!

[HeatherK08]

Good for you! I am really proud of you!!! Wish I could jet over to NYC and take you out for a celebratory post.

 

I know it's hard but you will also feel stronger every time you don't contact him when you want to.

 

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks. I know it will get easier with time - I'm already starting to feel better about myself. (not not being with him - that will take longer)

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954

 

There's the link Heather. I also bumped it up in the Coping section so now it should be on the 1st page..

[HeatherK08]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954

 

There's the link Heather. I also bumped it up in the Coping section so now it should be on the 1st page..

 

Ok I read the thread but it didn't really help - he's the one who's been contacting me and almost harrassing me and not letting me go. Telling me that we belong together, and that when we're married he'll make me pay (joking) for putting him through this, that it's not about whether he loves me or not (he does) or his W - it's his upbringing and fears about looking and being selfish for going after his happiness (a life with me). I sent his emails to my therapist and am awaiting some good advice.

[whichwayisup]

Then you need to block his email address. He is continually contacting you, then do everything possible to avoid hearing from him.

[HeatherK08]

Then you need to block his email address. He is continually contacting you, then do everything possible to avoid hearing from him.

 

Um yeah, we work at the same company. And he happens to have, as a major client, the provider of my email address. I'm trying to find a way to defuse the situation and am not reacting until I hear from my therapist.

[nadiaj2727]

Ok I read the thread but it didn't really help - he's the one who's been contacting me and almost harrassing me and not letting me go. Telling me that we belong together, and that when we're married he'll make me pay (joking) for putting him through this, that it's not about whether he loves me or not (he does) or his W - it's his upbringing and fears about looking and being selfish for going after his happiness (a life with me). I sent his emails to my therapist and am awaiting some good advice.

 

It is not fair of him to talk about the "happiness" you'll have together when HE's not available. I htink you already know that. He just does it to keep you hoping and waiting. My xMM did the same thing after I broke it off. It is selfish and unfair. Don't talk to him -- just tell YOURSELF it is unfair of him to do, and that you don't appreciate it.

[MimiMe]

Um yeah, we work at the same company. And he happens to have, as a major client, the provider of my email address. I'm trying to find a way to defuse the situation and am not reacting until I hear from my therapist.

 

 

= Report his a$$. (JK!)

[HeatherK08]

= Report his a$$. (JK!)

 

The way this firm is set up, there is no HR, no one really to report him to, still waiting to hear from my therapist.

[nadiaj2727]

= Report his a$$. (JK!)

 

Even though Mimi was just kidding, she does have a point. If you have asked MM for NC and he disrespects your request by continually emailing you or trying to talk to you, this is a form of harrassment. He should not use his employment as a means to try to continue a relationship when you feel that relationship is inappropriate and have told him as such. My xMM did the same thing and it really hindered my ability to concentrate at work. Finally the only thing that got him to leave me alone (for quite awhile at least) was replying to one of his emails with this:

 

"I have asked you not to contact me because this relationship is not good for me and I believe it is wrong for everyone involved. Yet you continue to ignore my request for no contact. If you send me anything else, I will have no choice but to forward it to the director of the firm and to your wife."

 

Ooooh you better believed that worked Heather. I think a big brick called Reality hit him on his living-in-fantasy-world head.

 

I don't know if I really could have reported him, because I care about him and really didn't want to cause him any trouble. Plus that would implicate me and cause me lots of drama at work. But he was causing his own trouble by continuing to contact me and acting like I never said not to. And I had definitely caused the potential for drama at work by getting involved with my mentor, and by that time I had come out of the fog to realize that my actions had consequences. So I probably would have if I had to... I was at my wit's end and didn't know what else to do. But luckily I never had to decide whether or not to actually do it. (I did go to the firm director and ask to change mentors and practice areas. xMM got really mad and said this looked suspicious etc. I didn't care at all because it was necessary to keep my sanity at work and I had to go above him to get the help I needed. He should have thought about how "suspicious" things would look before he decided to pursue me and tell me he loved me and he planned to be with me, yada yada yada.) Just the thought of other people finding out and the consequences was enough to get him to leave me alone. It also showed me his priorities: no matter how much he said he was divorcing and planning to be with me, when the s&it hit the fan, he wanted to protect his image and keep me a dirty little secret. It also showed me he knew we had been doing something wrong, no matter how much he had tried to convince me that it's okay because we love each other and it will all turn out great in the end blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, I recommend you tell him you mean no contact and enforce it by whatever means necessary. He does not have your best interest at heart if he is using your career as a means to keep getting to your emotions.

[nadiaj2727]

The way this firm is set up, there is no HR, no one really to report him to, still waiting to hear from my therapist.

 

I understand what you mean, my firm has no HR policy or real sexual harrassment policy either. But there's always a way. Go to the director of the firm if necessary. Go to a female attorney there. Or even if you don't think you could really do that, tell HIM that his actions are affecting your work environment and if he does not stop you will need to consult with _______________ (ANYONE else in the firm) about how to get him to stop. I guarantee you he will stop then, Heather.

[HeatherK08]

Even though Mimi was just kidding, she does have a point. If you have asked MM for NC and he disrespects your request by continually emailing you or trying to talk to you, this is a form of harrassment. He should not use his employment as a means to try to continue a relationship when you feel that relationship is inappropriate and have told him as such. My xMM did the same thing and it really hindered my ability to concentrate at work. Finally the only thing that got him to leave me alone (for quite awhile at least) was replying to one of his emails with this:

 

"I have asked you not to contact me because this relationship is not good for me and I believe it is wrong for everyone involved. Yet you continue to ignore my request for no contact. If you send me anything else, I will have no choice but to forward it to the director of the firm and to your wife."

 

Ooooh you better believed that worked Heather. I think a big brick called Reality hit him on his living-in-fantasy-world head.

 

I don't know if I really could have reported him, because I care about him and really didn't want to cause him any trouble. Plus that would implicate me and cause me lots of drama at work. But he was causing his own trouble by continuing to contact me and acting like I never said not to. And I had definitely caused the potential for drama at work by getting involved with my mentor, and by that time I had come out of the fog to realize that my actions had consequences. So I probably would have if I had to... I was at my wit's end and didn't know what else to do. But luckily I never had to decide whether or not to actually do it. (I did go to the firm director and ask to change mentors and practice areas. xMM got really mad and said this looked suspicious etc. I didn't care at all because it was necessary to keep my sanity at work and I had to go above him to get the help I needed. He should have thought about how "suspicious" things would look before he decided to pursue me and tell me he loved me and he planned to be with me, yada yada yada.) Just the thought of other people finding out and the consequences was enough to get him to leave me alone. It also showed me his priorities: no matter how much he said he was divorcing and planning to be with me, when the s&it hit the fan, he wanted to protect his image and keep me a dirty little secret. It also showed me he knew we had been doing something wrong, no matter how much he had tried to convince me that it's okay because we love each other and it will all turn out great in the end blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, I recommend you tell him you mean no contact and enforce it by whatever means necessary. He does not have your best interest at heart if he is using your career as a means to keep getting to your emotions.

 

Wow, that's a good response. I'm guessing right now though that he's in major withdrawal and his initial reaction would be "Um, everyone knows already" - which is true, they all do, even the 'director' of the firm who has had his own A's with his former assistants (this place is a throwback to the 80's seriously and is a mess), and "yes please tell my wife so she'll kick me out and me and you can be together". So I think that would be a good response in about a week after the A fog has lifted.

 

Sorry about what you've gone through. I'm sure I'll be relating to you and how you felt about him not really going to follow through with any of it.