browneyes1974 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Hello everyone, I'm new on here. First of all, I would like to introduce myself to all of you. I have been with my husband for 18 years and married to him for 15 yrs. We got married very young, he was 21 and I was 17 at the time. Today we have two beautiful children, which means the world to me. Well, the reason for my post is that I am very confuse by my husband's request and his attitude towards this whole situation. I will explain, here it goes... Well, my dilema is that for the last 10 years my H have asked me if I would ever consider having sex with another man. And everytime he asked, I would say no. It never stopped there because he continued to ask me again and again even when I said no. It went from "would you?" to "why can't you?" and "our sex life is boring, you need to spice it up" Most of the time is during intimacy and sex, which alot of the times, leaving me disgusted and feeling guilty for something I haven't even done. In the past, I felt really bad after having sex with him because he would keep persuing the idea of me being with another man. Finally, I asked him why does he keep on insisting I do it and his explanation is that he feel I need to experience it "being with another man" because he was the only man I had ever been with. Second of all, he has seen too many women having affairs and leaving their husbands for someone else, therefore he would rather know about it then for me to do it behind his back. And the third explaination is that after much consideration, it really turns him on. Okay...so I tried to make sense of it all and then I wonder to myself, does this guy really love me? When I questioned his love for me, he said he does love me very much and is afraid to lose me and that is why he has chosen to let me have that experience if I want to. He says, "If I chose to"...but then when we have sex, he would say things like, "our sex life is too boring, we've been married too long and we need to spice it up"...and "why can't you be like other women? (those that has had an affair)"..."why can't you be slutty like that?"..."you're hot but not slutty...I need a hot and slutty wife". Mind you, I've asked him to stop asking me this question many times and we had many discussions about it. Each time arguing over it. I've cried about it and he promised he would try not to ask me anymore. Well, it'll last for a few weeks and then the question would pop up again. Well, after so many years of the same old question and statements, I finally said to him that I would consider it. I told him that I'm tired of hearing it..."how boring I am" so I will do it. I haven't done anything with anyone yet but I feel like it will be the only way to shut him up. Anyways, he also claims that he is not jealous whatsoever and he doesn't care if guys talk to me. But each time a guy talks to me, he calls them my boyfriend or accuses me that I like them. Then he would ask if I would do them and since I am so fed up and I told him that after asking me to sleep with other men for so long, it struck my curiousity so I am going to persue it and give him what he has wanted for so long. Well, an ex boyfriend, actually someone I knew when I was 11 years old found me, we dated like when we were kids...11 and 12 yrs old. Nothing went on just puppy love. Anyways, this guy found me and we have been talking on the phone for awhile now...for the first 2 and half months, he called me almost everyday. Then it kind of died down, now we talk once in awhile. He lives in another state so I didn't think talking to him would be an issue. Well, I toldl my H everything, our conversations and everything we talked about. So one day, this old friend asked if he could come see me and I told my husband about it. I also told him that I had asked this friend if when he came to visit me, would he make love to me if he could? Well, my husband threw a fit and is very upset that I even asked such a question. Now I'm confused. I thought he wanted me to find someone to have sex with. I thought he wanted me to have that one time experience with someone else. Then he throws a big fit about it and we argue about it almost everyday. He says that he is upset that I asked this friend of mine because we used to like one another...mind you, we were 11 and 12 back then. Not only that, we have not seen one another over 17+ yrs. Well, this guy did say that he is very much in love with me and think that I am the one he missed out on and would love to see me again. I guess I was stupid for telling my husband everything even things like that. So, now everyday he accuses me of wanting to date this guy. I am so confuse because he would tell me one day that he wants me to sleep with this guy and then the next, says he does not want me to sleep with this guy because he knows this guys has feelings for me and he is afraid I will start to have feelings for him too if I have sex with him. I'm sorry but I am so confused and sometimes, I wish I could just tell my H that I can't do this anymore and I think it's better we just go our seperate ways because he obviously doesn't love me to put me through this game. I'm tired of playing games! He is confusing me but I do love him very much because he is all I know...I practically grew up with him because I married him since I was a teenager. I don't know what to do...my best friend told me that if she was married to a man who asked her such question for years, she would have left him already. What would upset me more than anything is if we split and he remarries and he never ask his new wife to have sex with another man because it turns him on like he said...it would kill me because I would wonder what is wrong with me that he would want to share me with another man? and that he would not want to share her? Does he not love me? What should I do? Please, I need your input. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Translated: Beware of what you ask for (speaking to H here)... If I were you, I'd put a stop to this nonsense (it appears both of you are crossing marital boundaries here) and get some MC to work on your communication so you can have a better relationship with each other. My take is he's on a power and control jag....just don't play along Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 First of all - when you post please use paragraphs your post above is very difficult to read, and you less likely to get as many responses as you might, had you made it more user friendly. Sounds to me like your husband was probably trying to work up to something else - like the two of you becoming swingers or something - not you going off on your own and having sex. Next time he throws a fit, ask him if he is unhappy with what you said. When he says yes, tell him great now he knows how you have been feeling ALL these years when he has brought wanting you to sleep with others. This whole line of discussion needs to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author browneyes1974 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Sorry everyone, it's my first time here. I will make sure to be more user friendly next time so you guys can understand my threads better. Thanks for letting me know. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 he's giving a lot of crossed signals here, but the gist of it is, he's insecure about what he has with you, and he's talking shxt to test you. And by telling him about your childhood friend coming to visit, you've given him a solid reason to be jealous. time to nip this in the bud and ask him point-blank just what the hell does he want out of y'alls marriage. Does he want you to **** another man? If so, and if you feel like it, he has no room for comment. If he's testing you, why does he feel the need to do so when you're happy with him? If he's not happy, what is keeping him unhappy? like I said, confront him point-blank, and don't allow him to be wishy-washy in his answers. and let him know how disturbing you've found his suggestions to screw around when that's not something you agree with in principal ... or practice. That if he's feeling insecure about your sex life, he needs to TALK to you, not be such an *ss by making the kinds of comments he did, otherwise, they'll backfire on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I saw the theory expressed that men that try to force their GF's and W's into these kinds of sharing situations with another man are actually trying to come to terms with their own homosexual feelings. They want to experiment with a man sexually and having their SO there helps them transition more easily. If you believe this, than all your H's "I just want to do this for you" makes sense as part of the spin and denial. Even if that theory isn't true, you might share it with your H. Perhaps your implication that his motivations are suspect will be enough to get him off the subject... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Interesting. I had the same thought with the homosexuality-thing. But I have absolutely no data upon which to base that. Just a hunch I got from the way the OP describes things. I dunno. Might be worth bringing up, anyway. Additionally, I would personally find those recurring suggestions quite off-putting, if it were me (and you did ask...). So I think I'd tell him either please leave it alone, already, as I'm not interested, and how else could we explore our sexuality together, in mutually acceptable ways....or if he just couldn't leave it alone, I would talk to him honestly about just what, exactly, is behind this insistent wish of his? Control issues, esteem issues, orientation issues, etc. I would probably suggest we get a mediator (or is that an un-PC term these days?) such as a counselor to discuss the impasse. Just my opinion. Sounds like a difficult situation, to say the least. Let us know how it turns out. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Comnena Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I have a little different take. It's like a kid asking you if you've done drugs.. .. in order to degrade the parent and almost permission to do the act itself. I think he's attempting to degrade you and may be looking for an affair himself. There's tons of pschycology on this, by the way. Either way, it's abusive. If you have the affair or continue the relationship with your guy-friend, you'll lose your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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