I just made the call to H...

[malaclypse]

Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say.... I will forgive her, someday

 

You have to forgive her for your own good, not for her. As long as you cannot forgive, she still has hold over you.

[BetrayedMM]

Don't be in a hurry. Losing resolve at this point could be a disaster. Hang tough!

 

You should get busy for a while, get out from behind the computer.

 

For that matter, so should I!

[stampdaddy]

Don't be in a hurry. Losing resolve at this point could be a disaster. Hang tough!

 

You should get busy for a while, get out from behind the computer.

 

For that matter, so should I!

Well, I can't do that, I work in my home office, so I ping in here every once in a while, but I hear you, I won't get bogged down in here.. Dont want you thinking that I am just desparately sitting here looking for all of the answers.. It IS helpful, but can also be harmful.. Working hard, and looking forward to the weekend.. Finally supposed to be half way warm here, 65 on SUnday. BUT, then back into the 40's on Monday. Oh Well...

[Owl]

I AM struggling with SO MUCH.. I felt like I betrayed HER, I feel like I have F***d HIM, and HIS CHILDREN, and me and MY CHILDREN that know her, and I sure hope I live a long time, because it will take many, many lifetimes of me asking God for forgiveness.. I prayed the very night I met her, "God, I do not want an affair, but than You for allowing me to meet one of your most beautiful Angels...." look how ugly she is now...

 

Hey Stamp...I wanted to say something here, but I want to preface it with this. I hope you realize by now that I mean you no ill will or harm...I truly do think you've done a lot to "man up"...and I hold you in high regard for that. So please keep that as a reference for this next bit...ok?

 

You SHOULD feel guilty, my friend. You knowingly F'ed him, his children, his marriage. You made a horrible choice that allowed you to conduct behavior that you knew would be hurtful to them. Guilt is what you feel when you knowingly and intentionally did something that you knew would hurt those around you.

 

Use it. Learn from it. Guilt is our mind's mechanism to help us learn from our past mistakes and bad choices.

 

Don't wallow in it. Don't let it rule your life...don't let it make you feel bad forever. But learn from it, and let it help dictate your actions now and going forward.

 

Perhaps God didn't send you one of his perfect angels as a lifetime mate...perhaps God allowed her to come into your life for a reason, and a season...she was there for a short time for you to learn some of the lessons He wanted to teach you. And now its time for that 'angel' to go on and hopefully learn the lessons that God has in store for her.

 

Again...no bashing intended, friend. I hope this helps put things a little more into perspective for you is all.

[stampdaddy]

no bashing taken.. Thank you.. The thing was, and this will be no suprise to anyone here, BUT, I actually "thought" that I just showed up a little early.. I was able to romanticize everything, and with her letting me into her and her childrens lives so deeply, I fooled myself into believing that "we are getting there" and I am "enhancing" their lives NOT F***ing them up.. THIS is what hurts so terribly. I WILL look for all of the lessons I can find from this, and maybe then, I will be able to think about being forgiven

[Tomcat33]

You SHOULD feel guilty, my friend. You knowingly F'ed him, his children, his marriage. You made a horrible choice that allowed you to conduct behavior that you knew would be hurtful to them. Guilt is what you feel when you knowingly and intentionally did something that you knew would hurt those around you.

 

 

I'm sorry but no, guilt is not a perpetual emotion it is simply a warning sign to allow us to take action and fix whatever it is that we are doing that does not agree with our own moral code. To tell him he should perpetuate that or he SHOULD feel that at this point is wrong. He already acted out of guilt and rectified the situation to quiet that "alarm" down, why in the world would you invite him to keep feeling that when there is NOTHING more he can do towards that situation? He did the right thing he closed the door on more hurt, there is no more place for guilty feelings. He needs to start his healing process and the only way that guilt should be introduced into his thoughts again is if he does something to contradict his current decision.

 

Gees let the poor guy breath will you? He feels bad enough as it is.

Edited February 29, 2008 by Tomcat33

[Owl]

Sorry you don't agree with my viewpoint or advice, TC.

 

You may have missed this part...

Don't wallow in it. Don't let it rule your life...don't let it make you feel bad forever. But learn from it, and let it help dictate your actions now and going forward.

 

But regardless of how you feel about it, it stands. Its exactly what he needs to do.

[Cagney]

Stamp,

 

I've been posting here, looking for constructive feedback, struggling with a similar decsion. It's hard to sift through the obviously biased stuff, looking for objective feedback, and even trying to get the get the sense of strongly agenda-based comments.

 

It almost seems that some are hooked on lurking here, digging for oportunities to speed along punishment for other cheaters. While I understand that it would feel good for a while, I see that some have made this a daily hobby, lasting for years after their betrayal. How healty is that for me (and you)?

 

I see that it's practically making you sick, which I can easily understand.

 

I still don't know, with any certainty if I should tell. My Clinical Psychologist is strongly opposed to telling. A personal friend who is also a Psychologist is against it too.

 

It seems to me that you're still uncertain that you did the right thing??? (that's a question)

 

I'm curious to find out from any of the posters here who are assuring you that you will feel fine, in time, BECAUSE you did this.

 

Is it really true that you will you heal faster or better BECAUSE you told?

How do these posters KNOW that? Or are they just giving you their personal HUNCHES? ... and from their own agendas?

 

I mean, where is the evidence that it helps at all? Other than the 'atta-boys they give to you for having told? Who, on this forum, was also a cheated with a MW (like you and me) and exposed their MW to the H, and really healed and faster or more completeley because they told?

 

I hope they'll spare me another "Dude, the husband has a right to know!" I know that. That's not rocket science. But there ARE other factors!

 

I just want to know how so many people here know that you're gonna feel so much better now that you told the husband about what you and his wife did.

 

I agree that you need to take control back, get over this, move on and other things as well. I would agree that time, and other beneficial things will help you move on. But I don't see any evidence that "telling" will speed any of these things along?

[Tomcat33]

You may have missed this part...

 

But regardless of how you feel about it, it stands. Its exactly what he needs to do.

 

 

No you are right I pretty much stopped reading after this:

 

You SHOULD feel guilty, my friend. You knowingly F'ed him, his children, his marriage. You made a horrible choice that allowed you to conduct behavior that you knew would be hurtful to them

 

 

If you then retracted that statement then what's the point of even making it? One cancels the other out, does it not?

 

 

I think we should cut him some slack and let him decide for himself what he needs to do. Hitting home "you should feel like crap" for what you did, when he has already very clearly stated time and time again that he does feel like crap, is not going to help him have any more clarity. That's just MO.

Edited February 29, 2008 by Tomcat33

[stampdaddy]

Stamp,

 

I've been posting here, looking for constructive feedback, struggling with a similar decsion. It's hard to sift through the obviously biased stuff, looking for objective feedback, and even trying to get the get the sense of strongly agenda-based comments.

 

It almost seems that some are hooked on lurking here, digging for oportunities to speed along punishment for other cheaters. While I understand that it would feel good for a while, I see that some have made this a daily hobby, lasting for years after their betrayal. How healty is that for me (and you)?

 

I see that it's practically making you sick, which I can easily understand.

 

I still don't know, with any certainty if I should tell. My Clinical Psychologist is strongly opposed to telling. A personal friend who is also a Psychologist is against it too.

 

It seems to me that you're still uncertain that you did the right thing??? (that's a question)

 

I'm curious to find out from any of the posters here who are assuring you that you will feel fine, in time, BECAUSE you did this.

 

Is it really true that you will you heal faster or better BECAUSE you told?

How do these posters KNOW that? Or are they just giving you their personal HUNCHES? ... and from their own agendas?

 

I mean, where is the evidence that it helps at all? Other than the 'atta-boys they give to you for having told? Who, on this forum, was also a cheated with a MW (like you and me) and exposed their MW to the H, and really healed and faster or more completeley because they told?

 

I hope they'll spare me another "Dude, the husband has a right to know!" I know that. That's not rocket science. But there ARE other factors!

 

I just want to know how so many people here know that you're gonna feel so much better now that you told the husband about what you and his wife did.

 

I agree that you need to take control back, get over this, move on and other things as well. I would agree that time, and other beneficial things will help you move on. But I don't see any evidence that "telling" will speed any of these things along?

While I agree that there could be some "lurkers" on this site, I don't consider ANY of the current posters on this post that.. I consider them "friends" that DO want to help me.. I ignore the others.. AND, in response to "feeling better quicker", I can believe that ONLY because I made a choice to end it for ME, that the healing process can begin. It was never going to until then. The same can be said for her husband. Instead of him questioning, questioning, questioning and "knowing" the truth, but getting lied to and lied to and lied to, now HE can too begin a process.. Was that MY job to tell him?? NO!! It was hers. BUT, I was ending the relationship and the quilt of the fact that his questions, him trying to work, eat, sleep, be with his kids, whatever, were being consumed by "Who's number is this??" and then being asked by MW to "get rid of the number" made me take action, FOR HIM. This was NOT because I got jilted and felt revenge. This was the RIGHT thing to do...

[Tomcat33]

That guilty feeling proves that you have a conscience. Feeling it for awhile will cement your resolve to NEVER behave that way again. Wallowing in it is emotionally debilitating and has no good purpose.

 

Right it prompts you to make a change, it warns you that something doesn't sit right with your regular makeup. To stay in a state of guilt is pointless and NOT going to get you where you need to get. Guilt's only purpose is to be used as a warning.

He made his change, now he can start to heal .It is THAT healing process that will prompt him to learn from this and to hopefully never want to make the same mistake again, not the constant state of feeling guilt.

 

 

For the record, a lot of cheaters feel a tremendous amount of guilt during the period of an A, as does the OP. Sometimes they can feel guilt for years during the course of the entire adulterous relationship, and? Where does that guilt get them? NO WHERE. Guilt is an emotion to be used as a warning sing that something needs to change, he has done JUST that. He made the change, now guilt serves no more purpose it's time to move on and to take it all in from a point of awareness not a point of "warning".

[Tomcat33]

I'm curious to find out from any of the posters here who are assuring you that you will feel fine, in time, BECAUSE you did this.

 

Is it really true that you will you heal faster or better BECAUSE you told?

How do these posters KNOW that? Or are they just giving you their personal HUNCHES? ... and from their own agendas?

 

I mean, where is the evidence that it helps at all? Other than the 'atta-boys they give to you for having told? Who, on this forum, was also a cheated with a MW (like you and me) and exposed their MW to the H, and really healed and faster or more completeley because they told?

 

 

Only one way to find out Cagney, click on people's "previous posts" and get familiar with their stories. It's all here in black and white. Then you will understand where people get their words from.

 

Every case is different no one has a crystal ball, nor is anyone qualified to predict anyone's future but overall in our shared experiences there are common themes, we just bring them to light.

[Tomcat33]

, in response to "feeling better quicker", I can believe that ONLY because I made a choice to end it for ME, that the healing process can begin. It was never going to until then. The same can be said for her husband. Instead of him questioning, questioning, questioning and "knowing" the truth, but getting lied to and lied to and lied to, now HE can too begin a process.. Was that MY job to tell him?? NO!! It was hers. BUT, I was ending the relationship and the quilt of the fact that his questions, him trying to work, eat, sleep, be with his kids, whatever, were being consumed by "Who's number is this??" and then being asked by MW to "get rid of the number" made me take action, FOR HIM. This was NOT because I got jilted and felt revenge. This was the RIGHT thing to do...

 

 

WOW S-d I am so SO happy to read these words coming from you.

[stampdaddy]

OH, I will NEVER, EVER do this again.. I gave my complete heart, body and soul to her.. I gave my past, present and future to her. And now I am left here with NOTHING to show for it.. A bunch of memories that are all tainted. Now, this isnt to say that I wont heal, and wont meet somebody wonderful one day, BUT, like I said before, this damage done, to me, is much worse than a divorce. I mean, I will NEVER see her again, we can NEVER be friends again (and I have just lost my best friend), we WON'T be connected together through children or friends. It is just over, ALL OF IT. Then, while meeting this "wonderful woman" down the road, and with me being honest, "so, SD, have you dated anybody since your divorce 6 years ago?" "Why yes, for almost 4 years, I wrecked a home...."

[Cagney]

Right it prompts you to make a change, it warns you that something doesn't sit right with your regular makeup. To stay in a state of guilt is pointless and NOT going to get you where you need to get. Guilt's only purpose is to be used as a warning.

He made his change, now he can start to heal .It is THAT healing process that will prompt him to learn from this and to hopefully never want to make the same mistake again, not the constant state of feeling guilt.

 

 

For the record, a lot of cheaters feel a tremendous amount of guilt during the period of an A, as does the OP. Sometimes they can feel guilt for years during the course of the entire adulterous relationship, and? Where does that guilt get them? NO WHERE. Guilt is an emotion to be used as a warning sing that something needs to change, he has done JUST that. He made the change, now guilt serves no more purpose it's time to move on and to take it all in from a point of awareness not a point of "warning".

 

 

I can tell you from 7 years of experience, that when we were together, the great feeling totally drowned out any pain of conscience.

 

Then during the times apart, I honestly could not tell which hurt the most. The conscience? Or missing her? I could never really figure it out.

 

Nevertheless, over those 7 years, I journaled to my self and prayed a thousand times, knowing it was wrong, and that I must ended it.

 

FWIW though, during the last year, I repeatedly nagged her over how miserable and unhappy I was that I'm "stuck" ... but will soon have the courage to walk away. I wrongly thought this would nudge her to leave the husband. But instead she found somone else.

 

So if anyone says, "It's dumb to stay when you're unhappy, and when you know it's wrong!" I say, "I know it was dumb!"

 

And if anyone says, "I could never do that!"

I say, "Well good for you! ... But I used to say that too"

[Owl]

Cagney, I'm curious...

 

Given your description of how you view many of the posters here...why do you continue to post here? What do you hope to get from it, if you feel that the agenda here is to 'punish'?

 

FWIW, I have no desire to 'punish' anyone. Quite the contrary...I'd much prefer to see everyone healed and recovered as soon as possible.

 

But you can't get to that point by ignoring the situation, or pretending it never happened.

 

Feel free to look up my story if you like...its a ways back, since I'm nearly four months into a marriage very well recovered from an affair. PM me if you like, and I'll send you the link.

[Cagney]

While I agree that there could be some "lurkers" on this site, I don't consider ANY of the current posters on this post that.. I consider them "friends" that DO want to help me.. I ignore the others.. AND, in response to "feeling better quicker", I can believe that ONLY because I made a choice to end it for ME, that the healing process can begin. It was never going to until then. The same can be said for her husband. Instead of him questioning, questioning, questioning and "knowing" the truth, but getting lied to and lied to and lied to, now HE can too begin a process.. Was that MY job to tell him?? NO!! It was hers. BUT, I was ending the relationship and the quilt of the fact that his questions, him trying to work, eat, sleep, be with his kids, whatever, were being consumed by "Who's number is this??" and then being asked by MW to "get rid of the number" made me take action, FOR HIM. This was NOT because I got jilted and felt revenge. This was the RIGHT thing to do...

 

I understand ... and respect what you did.

[Tomcat33]

OH, I will NEVER, EVER do this again.. I gave my complete heart, body and soul to her.. I gave my past, present and future to her. And now I am left here with NOTHING to show for it.. A bunch of memories that are all tainted. Now, this isnt to say that I wont heal, and wont meet somebody wonderful one day, BUT, like I said before, this damage done, to me, is much worse than a divorce. I mean, I will NEVER see her again, we can NEVER be friends again (and I have just lost my best friend), we WON'T be connected together through children or friends. It is just over, ALL OF IT. Then, while meeting this "wonderful woman" down the road, and with me being honest, "so, SD, have you dated anybody since your divorce 6 years ago?" "Why yes, for almost 4 years, I wrecked a home...."

 

 

Stamp c'mon you are being SUPER hard on yourself you didn't wreck a home, SHE recked her home. She never knew what she wanted and apparently neither did her H remember all the things you wrote here when you first came here? Stop blaming yourself for that, you have enough on your plate as it is. You are just in a self deprecating state, which is totally understandable but please please please this is NOT the time to do this to yourself. You need to get strong again, and it is not going to happen if you are kicking yourself, you need YOU right now.

[Tomcat33]

I can tell you from 7 years of experience, that when we were together, the great feeling totally drowned out any pain of conscience.

 

Then during the times apart, I honestly could not tell which hurt the most. The conscience? Or missing her? I could never really figure it out.

 

Nevertheless, over those 7 years, I journaled to my self and prayed a thousand times, knowing it was wrong, and that I must ended it.

 

FWIW though, during the last year, I repeatedly nagged her over how miserable and unhappy I was that I'm "stuck" ... but will soon have the courage to walk away. I wrongly thought this would nudge her to leave the husband. But instead she found somone else.

 

So if anyone says, "It's dumb to stay when you're unhappy, and when you know it's wrong!" I say, "I know it was dumb!"

 

And if anyone says, "I could never do that!"

I say, "Well good for you! ... But I used to say that too"

 

Oh my god that's awful!!! I am so sorry to hear that. Are you still hung up on her? 7yrs!!!

[Cagney]

Cagney, I'm curious...

 

Given your description of how you view many of the posters here...why do you continue to post here?

 

As I said ... I'm trying to sift through to find some balanced and objective feed back. You must admit that not ALL of the posts are that?

 

What do you hope to get from it, if you feel that the agenda here is to 'punish'?

 

I never said, the agender HERE is anything.

I mentioned that SOME posters have an agenda, and if you don't then good for you. But you must admit that SOME of the posters have an agenda? I'll admit that I do! I want to figure out what I should really do.

And I'll admit that I was really looking for enough advice to justify blowing the whistle. I'm biased too!

 

 

But you can't get to that point by ignoring the situation, or pretending it never happened.

 

I never said that it should be ignored? I never even thought that.

I only raised what I think are valid questions?

 

 

Feel free to look up my story if you like...its a ways back, since I'm nearly four months into a marriage very well recovered from an affair. PM me if you like, and I'll send you the link.

 

OK, I'd like to read it - maybe I'll get some answers.

 

But are you saying that you cheated with a MW and then told her husband? I mean that IS the thread here.

Or are you saying that you confessed to you wife that you cheated on her and things are working now?

[Owl]

Neither...in MY case, my wife was the one who cheated. She didn't confess...she was caught.

 

But here's the thing that the vast majority of cheaters don't seem to 'get' about the BS...

 

Its not the cheating per se that hurt so much.

 

It was the DECEPTION AND LYING.

 

It was the fact that the person they trusted the most in the world DECEIVED THEM while conducting the affair.

 

Which is why the marriage MUST be rebuilt on honesty before it has a chance at all for recovery.

 

In SD's case, he had no 'obligation' to MW's BS...but it was still the right thing to do to 'tell'...BECAUSE IT ENDED THE LIES AND SET THE STAGE TO REMOVE HIM FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SITUATION.

 

 

As far as 'balanced posting'...forget it. It's a unicorn. It doesn't exist. EVERYONE (to include me) posts from their own perspective, shaped on their own experiences, learning, and knowledge. MY experience is based on what happened in my own marriage, its based on life experience in working with a LOT of different kinds of people over decades, and seeing what all they went through...its based off of posting on this and other sites for a number of years and seeing literally hundreds (if not thousands) of similar situations over and over...its based off of a lot of research in how infidelity works and how to recover marriages from it.

 

You're posting on an OW/OM forum. That means that you're going to get posters who are definite advocates of the affair, because their in one themselves and firmly believe that "its ok". You'll get posts from BS's who see the exact opposite sides. You'll get posts from people who were the cheating spouse...although you'll find that they rarely come to sites like this because they often get flamed on impact. You'll also get flyby trolls who post only to stir up the flames.

 

My advice to Stamp has been based on my experience and knowledge.

[Cagney]

Oh my god that's awful!!! I am so sorry to hear that. Are you still hung up on her? 7yrs!!!

 

I'm working at it, each week is a little easier than the last. Each month is a little better too.

 

But you must understand, that unlike Stamp, I think that much of MY motive for telling would not be good. In fact it really could lead to violence. I'm honestly, now at the point where I'm resigned to thinking that for my case, it would be super chikensh*t and wreckless for me to tell. Yes. I do love her and I don't want to (actually or really) hurt her in any way.

 

So I thought I'd check in here on Stamp's thread and poke around for some more insight.

 

For me it's very very hard to be objective about this.

[Cagney]

Neither...in MY case, my wife was the one who cheated. She didn't confess...she was caught.

 

But here's the thing that the vast majority of cheaters don't seem to 'get' about the BS...

 

Its not the cheating per se that hurt so much.

 

It was the DECEPTION AND LYING.

 

It was the fact that the person they trusted the most in the world DECEIVED THEM while conducting the affair.

 

Which is why the marriage MUST be rebuilt on honesty before it has a chance at all for recovery.

 

In SD's case, he had no 'obligation' to MW's BS...but it was still the right thing to do to 'tell'...BECAUSE IT ENDED THE LIES AND SET THE STAGE TO REMOVE HIM FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE SITUATION.

 

 

As far as 'balanced posting'...forget it. It's a unicorn. It doesn't exist. EVERYONE (to include me) posts from their own perspective, shaped on their own experiences, learning, and knowledge. MY experience is based on what happened in my own marriage, its based on life experience in working with a LOT of different kinds of people over decades, and seeing what all they went through...its based off of posting on this and other sites for a number of years and seeing literally hundreds (if not thousands) of similar situations over and over...its based off of a lot of research in how infidelity works and how to recover marriages from it.

 

You're posting on an OW/OM forum. That means that you're going to get posters who are definite advocates of the affair, because their in one themselves and firmly believe that "its ok". You'll get posts from BS's who see the exact opposite sides. You'll get posts from people who were the cheating spouse...although you'll find that they rarely come to sites like this because they often get flamed on impact. You'll also get flyby trolls who post only to stir up the flames.

 

My advice to Stamp has been based on my experience and knowledge.

 

Understood, and very much appreciated. Especially the unicorn analogy.

[BetrayedMM]

Is it really true that you will you heal faster or better BECAUSE you told?

How do these posters KNOW that?

 

You partially answer that yourself with this:

 

I agree that you need to take control back

 

Factor in the fact that Stamp tries to live by a moral code. He is the kind of person who is most comfortable with himself if he actually practices what he preaches. Living up to his own standards cannot help but be good for his self esteem at this point.

 

He was also in need of closure. He took action, rather than waiting for it to come around accidentally or through inaction somehow.

 

Next, he expressed concern about other people than just himself. What would they think in that situation? How would it affect them? He was concerned about their well being as well. He made the decision based on what he felt was best for all, what he personally thought was the right thing to do. And he did just that.

 

Why should he beat himself up second guessing his decision? If you are second guessing yours, that's unfortunate, but there's no reason he should have to regret trying to set things right. He made an admirable decision worthy of respect.

[Laptop2008]

I thought he already knew about the affair. What did you tell him and what was his reaction to your news?

 

Why are you doing this though? To hurt her because she hurt you? Be honest now.

Edited February 29, 2008 by Laptop2008