I just made the call to H...

[Owl]

Stamp's MW's H was calling the number he'd found on the phone bill, because he suspected that she was breaking NC with Stamp (which she was).

 

Stamp called her H and told her that she was breaking NC (he was calling to find this out from Stamp anyway) and asked her H to tell her to stick to NC.

 

Nothing vindictive about it. Stamp simply did what he needed to do to get out of the middle of the whole thing.

[Cagney]

I still think I have a fair question. It's still not answered but only skirted.

 

Some of the betrayed spouses have assured Stamp that he'll feel better and faster because he told. The're saying it as if they really KNOW! So HOW do they KNOW? I don't think they KNOW! THEY never had to tell on someone. So how do they know.

 

They're going beyond saying "from my perspective as a BS, I'd want to know" which I can understand.

 

Look, I'm a cheater too, had an affair with a MW.

Then she betrayed me too!

 

So where do you get the experience to tell me or anyone like me that I'll heal faster if I blow the whistle.

 

Hell, some of you have even scoffed at the concern that, in my case, the husband will very likely harm her. "Do it anyway", some of you betrayed spouses have said. I've read your stories and it pains me that I'm one of the bad guys who has hurt people like you. But some of you are making stuff up, telling others that you know they'll feel better faster.

 

I mean if you said you don't care if he feels btter, faster, you only want the BS to learn the truth, I'd buy that.

 

Where do you get off - going beyond what you really know? Are you licensed to make up stuff because somone else lied to you?

 

It's a simple question:

How do YOU know it'll help him.

Can you point me to a "TELLER" who was helped by telling?

Last time I asked this a BS asked me to read his story.

[Cagney]

There are even betrayed spouses here answering questions to Stamp, telling others all about what's in Stamps head.

[stampdaddy]

Does that work?

 

I contacted the H because he was losing his mind trying to figure out the number and his wife was gonna let keep happening. Finally, after asking me to change the number so he would never know, BUT HE KNEW in his gut, it was time to end it, END EVERYTHING

 

There was not one f***ing ounce of getting back at her, no, I love her, but enough was enough....

 

Let me know if you have any nore questions for ME, and I will be happy to answer them honestly

[White Flower]

I still think I have a fair question. It's still not answered but only skirted.

 

Some of the betrayed spouses have assured Stamp that he'll feel better and faster because he told. The're saying it as if they really KNOW! So HOW do they KNOW? I don't think they KNOW! THEY never had to tell on someone. So how do they know.

 

They're going beyond saying "from my perspective as a BS, I'd want to know" which I can understand.

 

Look, I'm a cheater too, had an affair with a MW.

Then she betrayed me too!

 

So where do you get the experience to tell me or anyone like me that I'll heal faster if I blow the whistle.

 

Hell, some of you have even scoffed at the concern that, in my case, the husband will very likely harm her. "Do it anyway", some of you betrayed spouses have said. I've read your stories and it pains me that I'm one of the bad guys who has hurt people like you. But some of you are making stuff up, telling others that you know they'll feel better faster.

 

I mean if you said you don't care if he feels btter, faster, you only want the BS to learn the truth, I'd buy that.

 

Where do you get off - going beyond what you really know? Are you licensed to make up stuff because somone else lied to you?

 

It's a simple question:

How do YOU know it'll help him.

Can you point me to a "TELLER" who was helped by telling?

Last time I asked this a BS asked me to read his story.

Cagney, excellent post. I don't know you're story, but feel I know a little more about you now.

 

You pose a very smart question. I suppose most people, BS or not, would say the old Christian proverb that confession is good for the soul is the reason why a teller would feel better after telling. That's my guess. But we all know that the biggest motive for that encouragement is informing the betrayed so they can make some decisions. I understand this as I was betrayed, too. However, I do not feel all betrayed spouses can handle the truth and so it's a tough call.

 

Stamp, you showed compassion to MW's H; he was going out of his head and I think you did the right thing in this case. Who knows how long she was going to play you both. Sorry if that hurts, hon.

[BetrayedMM]

Where do you get off - going beyond what you really know?

Ok, at this point there's no doubt who you're sniping at.

 

Yes, what makes you think you have some special insight on anyone's motivations?

 

FYI I happen to LIKE and respect stamp, and wish him nothing but the best.

 

If he didn't want to hear opinions from different perspectives, he wouldn't ask. He asked, he received.

 

If you don't want to hear opinions from other perspectives, why are you reading this thread?

 

Furthermore, this isn't about predicting the future. This is about what folks think would be best considering the circumstances. All of the reasoning has been explained repeatedly to you at this point. If you didn't get the answer you were fishing for, too bad, you got the truth.

 

So, what's your point, are you claiming to be the only one around here with a valid opinion? If so, and if it makes you feel better, fine- you as a cheater are more experienced in these matters. Congratulations. You win. I really don't care to compete with you further.

[White Flower]

BetrayedMM,

 

I didn't realize that you and Cagney were 'going at it' when I answered his question in general and hope that you didn't take my response to him as answering for you in any way.

[BetrayedMM]

WF- I read your post over and over, not a hint of anything to apologize for! I can't seem to find anything to be offended about there in any way. No problema!

[Cagney]

Does that work?

 

I contacted the H because he was losing his mind trying to figure out the number and his wife was gonna let keep happening. Finally, after asking me to change the number so he would never know, BUT HE KNEW in his gut, it was time to end it, END EVERYTHING

 

There was not one f***ing ounce of getting back at her, no, I love her, but enough was enough....

 

Let me know if you have any nore questions for ME, and I will be happy to answer them honestly

 

I never said you couldn't answer Stamp.

I only remarked that others felt the need to answer questions directed at you. That's a valid critism, not toward you, but toward those that did it.

[Cagney]

Ok, at this point there's no doubt who you're sniping at.

 

Yes, what makes you think you have some special insight on anyone's motivations?

 

FYI I happen to LIKE and respect stamp, and wish him nothing but the best.

 

If he didn't want to hear opinions from different perspectives, he wouldn't ask. He asked, he received.

 

If you don't want to hear opinions from other perspectives, why are you reading this thread?

 

Furthermore, this isn't about predicting the future. This is about what folks think would be best considering the circumstances. All of the reasoning has been explained repeatedly to you at this point. If you didn't get the answer you were fishing for, too bad, you got the truth.

 

So, what's your point, are you claiming to be the only one around here with a valid opinion? If so, and if it makes you feel better, fine- you as a cheater are more experienced in these matters. Congratulations. You win. I really don't care to compete with you further.

 

I've said all along that I DON'T have much insight, and struggling with decisions. So when somone questions - look how you blow up!

 

This really isn't about you. I was hoping to hear from someone, like Stamp, who did it some time ago and could tell us how things went.

 

I'm really LOOKING for insight:

 

1. From Stamp - how he's doing, etc

 

2. From others who have assured him, he's gonna feel great because of telling. HOW DO THEY KNOW? Man, you'd think there was someone who told on his ex-MW who would come out and say "I did it! And I'm better off for having done it."

 

There are some BS's here telling us all how great Stamp is gonna' do now that he told.

 

I'm really looking for honest answers that I can rely on.

 

You're cramming you're own opinion and getting pissed about being challenged. In fact you're making this about you.

 

If someone asks for an opinion from one who really experienced telling on his exMW, why not let one of those people answer? You're just not one of them. You're a betrayed husband, right? WHO DID YOU TELL ON? AND DID IT REALLY MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR YOU?

Edited March 1, 2008 by Cagney

[stampdaddy]

I don't think ANYBODY is better off from telling/not telling. WE ARE ALL IN A TEMPORARY HELL......

 

In my case, it was just time.. But i felt that I "knew" this man a little.. Clarity came when my eyes and then my heart opened.. Right/Wrong, I don't know and may never know, but my gut head and heart told me it WAS the right thing to do

[sadbuttrue]

just an observation----

 

when i discussed telling the W of the MM i am seeing about our affair, i was totally discouraged and assaulted. everyone said i was only doing it so that she would leave him and i could have him.

 

i was just wondering why it seems so different now when stampdaddy told the H of his MW?

 

no offense to you stampdaddy, i personally think that the telling is a necessary part of moving on from these relationships. maybe not for everyone, but it does seem to make the breakup seem more permanent in a way. or at least that is what i was thinking at the time. although i love him very much, i thought by telling his wife, who i truly thought should be aware so that she could make her own decisions whether or not to stay in such a marriage, it would make it much more unlikely that he would ever see me again.

 

anyway, just some thoughts.

[stampdaddy]

just an observation----

 

when i discussed telling the W of the MM i am seeing about our affair, i was totally discouraged and assaulted. everyone said i was only doing it so that she would leave him and i could have him.

 

i was just wondering why it seems so different now when stampdaddy told the H of his MW?

 

no offense to you stampdaddy, i personally think that the telling is a necessary part of moving on from these relationships. maybe not for everyone, but it does seem to make the breakup seem more permanent in a way. or at least that is what i was thinking at the time. although i love him very much, i thought by telling his wife, who i truly thought should be aware so that she could make her own decisions whether or not to stay in such a marriage, it would make it much more unlikely that he would ever see me again.

 

anyway, just some thoughts.

I didnt tell H for ME.... I told H for HIM.. Not to make my "closure" easier, or to get revenge at her, or anything selfish.. H already knew about the affair, since last July, and the affair continued, BUT, when he caught on AGAIN, and after MW didnt take the steps towards ANYTHING but lying to H, it opened my eyes, and for the first time, I saw HIM..... I pictured him trying to sleep, eat, work, whatever, and he knew in his gut what was the TRUTH... so, I decided to give it to him, softly, since his W wouldnt.. Believe me, I could have told him truck loads, but I didnt, I just let im know that the phone number that we was spending ALL of his time trying to figure out was MINE....

[sadbuttrue]

stampdaddy i meant no offense. i dont think there is anything wrong with what you did. i was just wondering about the double standard.

 

i do hope this helps you recover.

 

MM's W does know about us now, she caught him, but after only a week apart, we are back together anyway, and she now thinks it is over. so i have gotten nowhere in this situation. well i cant say nowhere, i do feel better in some ways, i know i can move on without him now if that is what i have to do, which i can only assume will happen again soon. and i dont wish to play this game of his forever, so it will eventually end.

[stampdaddy]

stampdaddy i meant no offense. i dont think there is anything wrong with what you did. i was just wondering about the double standard.

 

i do hope this helps you recover.

 

MM's W does know about us now, she caught him, but after only a week apart, we are back together anyway, and she now thinks it is over. so i have gotten nowhere in this situation. well i cant say nowhere, i do feel better in some ways, i know i can move on without him now if that is what i have to do, which i can only assume will happen again soon. and i dont wish to play this game of his forever, so it will eventually end.

Then WHY.. I will not preach (oh, and by the way, no offense taken), but why would you go on with him? Listen, I know what it's like, and I don't even know why I am asking you this question.. I know what the "right thing" is for ME to do, but I still love her, and I still believe in LOVE, HOPE, somehow making this RIGHT, having a future with her.. But now, it's like I would have to bring in an exorcist to rid the demons of all of this on so many levels... and as far as the "double standard".. I don't know about that

[Cagney]

stampdaddy i meant no offense. i dont think there is anything wrong with what you did. i was just wondering about the double standard.

 

i do hope this helps you recover.

 

MM's W does know about us now, she caught him, but after only a week apart, we are back together anyway, and she now thinks it is over. so i have gotten nowhere in this situation. well i cant say nowhere, i do feel better in some ways, i know i can move on without him now if that is what i have to do, which i can only assume will happen again soon. and i dont wish to play this game of his forever, so it will eventually end.

 

So here is the voice of experience.

A lover who told the BS about the affair.

 

So SBT, then just WHAT did telling on your lover gain for you?

You're NOT saying that it helped, only that that you thought it would help. That implies that it didn't help or you would have told us that it helped.

You've also made it clear that it did NOT end the affair! You're back with him. Not knocking you for that, just asking what GOOD it did to tell?

 

What good did it do? I'm not saying that I assumed it would do no good.

I'm asking one who has experienced it, what good did it do?

 

Stamp admitted that it wasn't done for his own sake, but at least the husband learned some truth (not all the truth by the way, just SOME of the truth).

 

But Stamp (for a few more months anyway), can't tell any of us if he thinks this speeded up his recovery - not yet.

 

C'mon, lets hear from some more betrayed spouses how THEY are sure that Stamp's gonna be any better off for having done this. But the BS's DON'T KNOW if it'll help a guy like Stamp or not. Or me. But they have plenty to say.

 

Stamp. Don't get angry buddy but why didn't you give the guy all the truth. And please don't say the BS wouldn't want the whole truth. I mean was this REALLY all about the poor husband's benefit?

 

I really want to know if telling my exMW's H if this will do anyone else (other than the husband) any good. And it would be great to hear it from the voice of experience.

[Cagney]

but I still love her, and I still believe in LOVE, HOPE, somehow making this RIGHT, having a future with her..

 

I can identify with this Stamp.

 

But I have a hard time buying into all your previous claims that you'll NEVER be with her again. Stamp, you're still just as vulnerable as before you told. It takes one to know one.

[stampdaddy]

So here is the voice of experience.

A lover who told the BS about the affair.

 

So SBT, then just WHAT did telling on your lover gain for you?

You're NOT saying that it helped, only that that you thought it would help. That implies that it didn't help or you would have told us that it helped.

You've also made it clear that it did NOT end the affair! You're back with him. Not knocking you for that, just asking what GOOD it did to tell?

 

What good did it do? I'm not saying that I assumed it would do no good.

I'm asking one who has experienced it, what good did it do?

 

Stamp admitted that it wasn't done for his own sake, but at least the husband learned some truth (not all the truth by the way, just SOME of the truth).

 

But Stamp (for a few more months anyway), can't tell any of us if he thinks this speeded up his recovery - not yet.

 

C'mon, lets hear from some more betrayed spouses how THEY are sure that Stamp's gonna be any better off for having done this. But the BS's DON'T KNOW if it'll help a guy like Stamp or not. Or me. But they have plenty to say.

 

Stamp. Don't get angry buddy but why didn't you give the guy all the truth. And please don't say the BS wouldn't want the whole truth. I mean was this REALLY all about the poor husband's benefit?

 

I really want to know if telling my exMW's H if this will do anyone else (other than the husband) any good. And it would be great to hear it from the voice of experience.

 

I didnt tell ALL of the truth because that is NOT my job. It is HERS to tell, or not tell IF she was gonna get out of the marriage

[Lyssa]

I didnt tell ALL of the truth because that is NOT my job. It is HERS to tell, or not tell IF she was gonna get out of the marriage

 

Just out of curiosity, did you come to this conclusion yourself - that it it HERS to tell and not yours - or from what you've been reading around here? I'm just wondering...

[White Flower]

I can identify with this Stamp.

 

But I have a hard time buying into all your previous claims that you'll NEVER be with her again. Stamp, you're still just as vulnerable as before you told. It takes one to know one.

 

Well, Cagney, I think that can be taken as one of those blanket statements. One size does not fit all because we all have different needs, different motives and different natures. We are not all alike.

 

That doesn't mean I disagree with you entirely. It is clear that Stamp loves this woman, yet it is also obvious he is fed up with the waiting, the hurting, and the loneliness. A positive change needs to happen or it will be final. A passionate man (or woman) can only wait for so long.

[White Flower]

WF- I read your post over and over, not a hint of anything to apologize for! I can't seem to find anything to be offended about there in any way. No problema!

 

cool:cool:

[stampdaddy]

Just out of curiosity, did you come to this conclusion yourself - that it it HERS to tell and not yours - or from what you've been reading around here? I'm just wondering...

I think on my own, just because what is RIGHT is RIGHT.. I didnt see it before, until I saw her behavior.. Can not say that LS didnt contribute though.. I DID leave it out there to be validated

[Lyssa]

I think on my own, just because what is RIGHT is RIGHT.. I didnt see it before, until I saw her behavior.. Can not say that LS didnt contribute though.. I DID leave it out there to be validated

 

Okay, thanks for answering. I used to let some people get to me but then I thought, they were not in my situation so clearly, they didn't get it. I had forged a bond with some really wonderful people here and they helped me see things better. I don't let anything get to me anymore.

[stampdaddy]

Okay, thanks for answering. I used to let some people get to me but then I thought, they were not in my situation so clearly, they didn't get it. I had forged a bond with some really wonderful people here and they helped me see things better. I don't let anything get to me anymore.

what do you mean?

[Ms. Red]

Morn'n S. Daddy. I hope your hanging in there & send you another big [[[HUG]]].

 

I hope you don't mind me responding to Cagney real quick as I feel that it's off topic.

 

Cagney: Each person's sitch is different. Yours is completely different from S. Daddy. A lot of us have been conversing with him for approaching 90 days now. He was very clear and open about everything along the way. I think to understand why some of us say what we do to him, you need to read his whole story from the beginning. To jump on his story near the end hoping to get a point of view to YOUR sitch is futile.

 

I'm sure he has come to know we regular posters to him & he can distinguish who is jumping on & giving a rash opinion without knowing him or his story from day one. That's why people are encouraged to start their own threads because each person's sitch is completely unique in circumstances & should be looked at accordingly.

 

Ok, so not so quick. Hope you didn't mind S. Daddy. I wish you a good day & that your heart feels a little lighter with each passing day. [[[HUGS]]] =^-^=