I just made the call to H...

[Lyssa]

When I first came here, I was flamed and later on when I had the ability to receive PM, I received a number of nasty PM telling me to forget MM and all that jazz. It got to me but like I said, I had a few of xOW/OW/OM who were there for me and helped me through it. They supported me either way - to get out of it or not.

 

Also, I gave MM a hard time from all the things I read here but it dawned on me that he wasn't bad - at all. He actually took actions and did a lot of things that I thought he couldn't and wouldn't - without my asking him to (way before he got D). Most people also do not take the time to ask the back story, they'd rather flame but it has changed - well.. sort of .

[stampdaddy]

When I first came here, I was flamed and later on when I had the ability to receive PM, I received a number of nasty PM telling me to forget MM and all that jazz. It got to me but like I said, I had a few of xOW/OW/OM who were there for me and helped me through it. They supported me either way - to get out of it or not.

 

Also, I gave MM a hard time from all the things I read here but it dawned on me that he wasn't bad - at all. He actually took actions and did a lot of things that I thought he couldn't and wouldn't - without my asking him to (way before he got D). Most people also do not take the time to ask the back story, they'd rather flame but it has changed - well.. sort of .

OH, Ok thanks.. I have had my share of "flaming", BUT, I did come here with an open mind of just post, and read ALL of the return posts for a week or two and then sift for the TRUE posts... Some of the people that flamed me have warmed up to me because I was open and honest and hurt, yet not overly selfish for MY agenda only

[stampdaddy]

Morn'n S. Daddy. I hope your hanging in there & send you another big [[[HUG]]].

 

I hope you don't mind me responding to Cagney real quick as I feel that it's off topic.

 

Cagney: Each person's sitch is different. Yours is completely different from S. Daddy. A lot of us have been conversing with him for approaching 90 days now. He was very clear and open about everything along the way. I think to understand why some of us say what we do to him, you need to read his whole story from the beginning. To jump on his story near the end hoping to get a point of view to YOUR sitch is futile.

 

I'm sure he has come to know we regular posters to him & he can distinguish who is jumping on & giving a rash opinion without knowing him or his story from day one. That's why people are encouraged to start their own threads because each person's sitch is completely unique in circumstances & should be looked at accordingly.

 

Ok, so not so quick. Hope you didn't mind S. Daddy. I wish you a good day & that your heart feels a little lighter with each passing day. [[[HUGS]]] =^-^=

again, thank you for being sweet.. I am OK, busy weekend with children

[Lyssa]

Some of the people that flamed me have warmed up to me because I was open and honest and hurt, yet not overly selfish for MY agenda only

 

I was flamed for being too open and honest

 

Glad your kids are keeping you busy!

[norajane]

I really want to know if telling my exMW's H if this will do anyone else (other than the husband) any good. And it would be great to hear it from the voice of experience.

 

You might want to start your own thread on the subject, not only so you're not hijacking stamp's thread, but also because the devil is in the details...

 

It made perfect sense for stamp to tell because he started seeing the MW from a different perspective, and therefore started seeing the big picture from a different perspective, and started seeing H's position from a different perspective. Stamp decided to take control over his part in this, and it helps him to move on because he is no longer at the mercy of anyone's lies. Talking to H was part of stamp making the choice to end things on HIS terms, and, in my experience, that is a position of power over oneself and it makes a huge difference in the healing process.

 

In YOUR case, whatever it may be, telling might not be the right answer. It depends on what exactly your situation is.

 

And if you're wondering, yes, I did the telling in one instance, and yes it helped me quite a bit because it forced me to see the guy in question in a completely different light - a light that showed me he was NOT the kind of guy I wanted in my life regardless of anything else. Not wanting him anymore because his true character was highlighted brightly definitely helped me heal much faster than still imagining him to be the great guy I thought he was.

Edited March 1, 2008 by norajane

[Darth Vader]

I AM struggling with SO MUCH.. I felt like I betrayed HER, I feel like I have F***d HIM, and HIS CHILDREN, and me and MY CHILDREN that know her, and I sure hope I live a long time, because it will take many, many lifetimes of me asking God for forgiveness.. I prayed the very night I met her, "God, I do not want an affair, but than You for allowing me to meet one of your most beautiful Angels...." look how ugly she is now...

 

 

You have messed up a whole lot of people! And you should feel bad about that! I don't know if you're the one she lied to too, so many Threads, so little time!

 

However you did come clean with her husband, so he can make a choice about his marriage. I really feel for his children, they're gonna suffer the most for her actions!

[Tomcat33]

 

2. From others who have assured him, he's gonna feel great because of telling. HOW DO THEY KNOW? Man, you'd think there was someone who told on his ex-MW who would come out and say "I did it! And I'm better off for having done it."

 

There are some BS's here telling us all how great Stamp is gonna' do now that he told.

 

I'm really looking for honest answers that I can rely on.

 

You're cramming you're own opinion and getting pissed about being challenged. In fact you're making this about you.

 

If someone asks for an opinion from one who really experienced telling on his exMW, why not let one of those people answer? You're just not one of them. You're a betrayed husband, right? WHO DID YOU TELL ON? AND DID IT REALLY MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR YOU?

 

 

I agree with your post, it is a lot easier to take advice when in your shoes from someone who was also in the same (or "similar" should I say no two situations are the same, you know what I mean...) shoes, than it is to take from someone who did not live this first hand in the cheater/OP seats. BSs can offer a lot of valuable information here but I too would take things that they commented on with a grain of salt, for the simple fact that it APPEARS (and I stress APPEARS because it is natural to see it this way from our prespective) that they instantly hate us by default so they don't want to help us they want to help us make a decision that is best for the BS, they tend to give advice with an agenda and MOST importantly they really have NO clue what it is like to be in the shoes of the people in the affair. They speak from the outside looking in and with the biassed of how they were affected by the whole thing. So sometimes I would read things professed from the voice of a BS speaking on behalf of the cheater as if they REALLY knew what was going on inside their head, and quite frankly they did not. Half the time the cheater doesn't even really know what they are thinking they are so confused, a BS is the last to try to tell us what their spouses felt/thought regardelss of their spouses tell the,.( no offense to BSs yeah? I am just talking about perception from this side of the camp)

 

Now having said that, all views are valid and you pick and choose what you want to take in and if you hang around here long enough you get to see which people genuinely want to help (regardless of what their background is) and those that are just out to make others pay for their situations. But it's gotten quite good around here lately in terms of vanishing disruptive bad apples so I say stick around and find your comfort zone and see if it helps you.

 

I was one of the people who told on my MM, and I NEVER imagined I would even in the worst, it never crossed my mind to tell and we had been seperated many times and I never EVER told never felt that need I saw it as spineless weasily crap I couldn't be willingly to be involved and then be the one to blow his cover when the chips went down, BLECHHH no way.

 

I was the OW with a seperated man we met at an event and started working together on a side project from our main work and our EA started while he was still living at home he assured me he wanted out so I said "well then get out and when you are free call me this is NOT going to happen like this" So he did, 5 or 6 months into the EA and 1.5 months after I had told him no more of this like this, he moved out and called me and two months after that we began dating. Well it was great and it was bad at the same time it was a rollercoaster of a relationship it was the most amazing thing and it was the most unnerving rel. too. Eventually his W caught him and all shi#$ hit the fan. He left me high and dry and decided to go back with her to work things out since he did not want her to find out about us like that and I always told him she would catch WHY did he keep it from her if he had moved out and was ready to D why keep this from her? he refuse to tell her so she eventually found out he was seeing me. So he went back with her for a month and was back with me a month later saying he had made a huge mistake it was like prison he did not love her and could not go back with her and let me go etc...So we got back together and months after that things were starting to go bad again because he was dragging his feet on the D. After some time we hit a point critical and decided to part company for a while so that he could sort out his stuff and finally go through with the D which he had been dragging his feet on but assured me he was going to go though with eventually.

 

We parted company yet again (of course this is VERY condensed left all the gory details out) he assured me he would use the time to work on the D and finalize things so that we could be together properly. During those months we were apart I started to gain some prespective and was thinking more with my head and less with my heart and I realised this was wrong all around this man had done a LOT to be with me and to show me he loved me but it was not enough, and still felt wrong. No divorce = NO DEAL. SO I talked myself out of being with him. He started pursuing me months after and I refused to take his calls was angry at him angry on how long this had dragged out not understanding WHY we were seperated yet again if we loved each other and feeling really resentful about the whole thing. Doubting him, and myself and my choices left and right but still loved him very much, this dychotomy went on for a while and it was an extremly hard battle to carry out, no need to explain this to anyone out there you all know what's what if you have been there.

 

 

Eventually he asked to see me, he was insistant on seeing me and needed to talk to me would not give me any details on the phone. He became relentless until I took his call one day, he had called me still from his apartment so I decided to meet him I figured he had come to some decision while we were apart. Hessitant as I was I still felt very much in love with him and if the answer was that he had finally sorted out his D then I could proceed to thinking about being with him again but baby steps ahead. So we met and it was a great within seconds our eyes were locking my tummy was doing flip flops the whole world stopped around us, it was like we had never parted. Before too long we were professing our love for each other again, he even attempted to kiss me telling me how much he had missed me, thought about me day and night and how lost he was without me and how he would never EVER feel like this for any other woman again. I was the love of his life. I proceeded to bring out the big D word and the bomb hit.

 

He proceeded to tell me not only that the D was not done but that he had moved back in to his marital home. He made some lame excuses about how I would not return his calls when we were apart how he felt that I was no longer interested in him also that he was lonely and felt lost and moved back to a safe place to regain his health again (the whole experience had ran him down) oh and the best one LOL that his W had lost her job and he needed to be there for her to support her but that now that he was filled with regret because all he did was think about me while he was there. I flipped out, I literally flipped out. In the same breath that he had told me how beautiful I was how I was the woman of his life how he was completely lost without me how he was nothing without me in his life, head over heels in love with me he also told me he had moved back in with his W again. WTF!?!?

 

What happened next is I went into autopilot, I was a soldier in battle I didn't care who I was taking down but I was charging full speed. The first thing I felt was HUGE dissillusionment, this was NOT the man I had thought he was, I was sick to my stomach, I was now the one who was betrayed. Everything I though this man was and all the hopes I had that despite the sickening side of him that made him the liar he was to his W there was still somethings there worth fighting for, but it all came crashing down.

 

 

me: does your W know you are here?

 

him: no

 

me: do you plan to tell her you are deceiving her again, because it was one thing when you were seperated and you were going to D but now you continue to decieve her under her own roof, and also decieve me and you decided it was best for you to move back home so what are you doing here with me? and more importantly why are you lying to your W AGAIN? you have no respect for either one of us, (I called him some not so pretty names)

 

him: wait hang on calm down, sit down please don't leave

 

me: don't leave? take a good look at me becaue this is the LAST time you will see me.

 

me: are you going to tell your W you came here, yes or no?

 

him: I don't know, I miss you I needed to see you I don't know what I am doing I am so lost without you I LOVE YOU, wait don't go please

 

me: are you going to tell her or maybe should I?

 

him: I don't know yes no, maybe...I suppose I should

 

me: NO MORE, I am stopping this insanity right now, I want you out of my life for good and I never EVER want you looking for me EVER again and the only way we can assure that is that your W know about this, she needs to know what a pathological liar (peice of sh#$$ you are) I know what you are about now but you obviously still decieve her and she deserves to know exactly who you are

 

So I picked up my cellphone and dialed.The call is a blur I told her he was there professing his love, I told her he had been in touch with me all the last few months though I was not reciprocating he was sitll persistent in contacting me, she was shocked since he swore he had no more contact with me and was done I told her that we had taken time apart so that he could work on the D not so that he could move back home and since he had moved back home he had no business being here telling me he still loved me wanting to know how I felt. I told her everything I could about our relationship the things he said to me about her about them about what our relationship was about about how his family/friends knew about us EVERYTHING. I wanted to ensure she knew EXACTLY what went on beteween us and al the things he said, NO MORE LIES.

 

Today I have very little to work though it is more my stuff nothing that pertains to how I feel about him or the rel. itself. I am on track and I am in a very good place and though shortly after I made the call it felt wrong it felt pointless like I had intruded in something that did not pertian to me, I felt like a fool like they were both laughing at me for my own stupidity, I was convinced I tried to open the eyes of someone to something they just did not want to see, DESPITE all that I knew in my gut and in my heart it was the right thing to do beacause more than anything I did it for the sanity of ME. What she chose to do with that information was up to her, I did my part.

 

I can assure you there was no laughing on their end, and what happened only days after was he was right at it again looking for me trying to reach otu to me. Now a year later they are D so their marriage did not work out in the end, but all the cards were on the table. He may have thought he was really slick pulling this crap on two women but no, he really wasn't.

 

As someone said earlier if it's closure that you want I can't think of a better way really. Though in your case Cagne I am not sure at this point it would be worth it to go back and do that after this time has passed and I agree with you that it would be for all the wrong reasons....well I dunnow "wrong reason" is there ever a good reason? one way or another it is always a selfish reason that prompts us to confront the BS, I know for me it was selfish in terms of I wanted him out of my life and I figured if she kept a tight reign on him knowing he was still lying he would eventually stay away, clearly he didn't have the will power to do it on his own. Mind you two days after D-day he was looking for me online again but that's another story...not gonna recount all the turn of events post my D-day.

 

But I did feel like I owed that woman in the least that much to let her know that

a) he was a lying to her, to both of us

b) that I was no longer going to be a threat to her she needn't worry and could go ahead and work on their recovery if that is what they wanted because I would no longer be part of the equation

 

 

 

So to make the call or not to make...?

I have been following Stamp's story closely, I feel he did the right thing for himself, my agenda is to help him help himself to stop the suffering.

This woman's H was calling him and needed to get to the bottom of things Stamp was living with baseball bats in every door, that's no way to live, confront the situation head on and move on.

 

 

EDIT: WOAH that turned out to be SUPER long sorry...

[OWoman]

I have been following Stamp's story closely, I feel he did the right thing for himself, my agenda is to help him help himself to stop the suffering.

This woman's H was calling him and needed to get to the bottom of things Stamp was living with baseball bats in every door, that's no way to live, confront the situation head on and move on.

 

Stamp's telling was the right thing for Stamp. He has broken MW's power over him and over her H, and put everybody back on the same level, with the information they need to move forward.

 

Cagney's situation is different in that he's no longer trapped and held prisoner by the secret. He can move on with or without telling. The MWs H, perhaps, perhaps not - hard to tell from the outside as we don't know what other sources of information he has.

 

The stories are very different. The advice will be very different.

 

Stamp - hope you're hanging in there. (((Hugs)))

[Tomcat33]

Cagney's situation is different in that he's no longer trapped and held prisoner by the secret. He can move on with or without telling. The MWs H, perhaps, perhaps not - hard to tell from the outside as we don't know what other sources of information he has.

 

The stories are very different. The advice will be very different.

 

 

 

I know. That's why I said this:

 

Though in your case Cagne I am not sure at this point it would be worth it to go back and do that after this time has passed and I agree with you that it would be for all the wrong reasons....

[Cagney]

I didnt tell ALL of the truth because that is NOT my job. It is HERS to tell, or not tell IF she was gonna get out of the marriage

 

I would agree that details v basics are a personal thing for you to decide on:

 

But you said, "could have told him truck loads, but I didnt, I just let im know that the phone number that we was spending ALL of his time trying to figure out was MINE...."

 

It sounded like you told him hardly anything, so I asked.

[Cagney]

I agree with your post, ...

So to make the call or not to make...?

I have been following Stamp's story closely, I feel he did the right thing for himself, my agenda is to help him help himself to stop the suffering.

This woman's H was calling him and needed to get to the bottom of things Stamp was living with baseball bats in every door, that's no way to live, confront the situation head on and move on.

 

Dear TomCat ...

 

Although I quoted here only a small piece ... I carefully read your entire post.

 

I don't know what to say just yet,

but as you will easily understand, I can't write without sobbing.

 

But it adds so much insight to what I'm trying to understand.

I know it was difficult to spill that again.

Thank you, you haven't wasted your time or your care.

 

And I thank Stamp for his experience too.

[Cagney]

You might want to start your own thread on the subject, not only so you're not hijacking stamp's thread, but also because the devil is in the details...

 

It made perfect sense for stamp to tell because he started seeing the MW from a different perspective, and therefore started seeing the big picture from a different perspective, and started seeing H's position from a different perspective. Stamp decided to take control over his part in this, and it helps him to move on because he is no longer at the mercy of anyone's lies. Talking to H was part of stamp making the choice to end things on HIS terms, and, in my experience, that is a position of power over oneself and it makes a huge difference in the healing process.

 

In YOUR case, whatever it may be, telling might not be the right answer. It depends on what exactly your situation is.

 

And if you're wondering, yes, I did the telling in one instance, and yes it helped me quite a bit because it forced me to see the guy in question in a completely different light - a light that showed me he was NOT the kind of guy I wanted in my life regardless of anything else. Not wanting him anymore because his true character was highlighted brightly definitely helped me heal much faster than still imagining him to be the great guy I thought he was.

 

I apologize if I hijacked this thread.

And I actually DO have my own thread - "Should I Tell Her Husband"

 

I really am here on this thread to learn and sift through to some kind of decision for myself. If I catch another thread where somone told, I'll be there reading that too.

 

FWIW: I did think that the weight seem to shift towards betrayed spouses telling Stamp (and indirectly, others like me) how great he's gonna' feel because he told. I honestly don't think they know. Just like peole who have never been betrayed don;t know that either.

 

TomCat knows what it's like afterward ... she feels it was best.

Other's have also posted who feel it was a mistake that they told.

 

Stamp is going to know pretty soon.

 

Each story is different and, to me, worth knowing about.

 

What I'm saying is that I'm trying to learn from Stamps thread.

[stampdaddy]

I would agree that details v basics are a personal thing for you to decide on:

 

But you said, "could have told him truck loads, but I didnt, I just let im know that the phone number that we was spending ALL of his time trying to figure out was MINE...."

 

It sounded like you told him hardly anything, so I asked.

I just felt that at somepoint, SHE is going to have to own up to the truth, OR get out of that marriage.. HE told me once that the ONLY truths that we was getting were from ME.. OR, if he presented irrefutable evidence, THEN she would come clean.. But somehow, het started to believe her again, and just eat only the little crumbs that she provided.. Of course I knew this too.. I know that he was asking, "so, have you heard from SD?".. NO. "Have you seen him?" NO and then when the phone thing came up, the light came on.. I can't let this continue, and if I change that phone number, it will NEVER end... The details are up to THEM to get to the bottom of, and if H chooses not to try, well that is HIS choice....

[Cagney]

I understand, thanks Stamp.

 

FWIW: I know I was out of line with the way I asked some things.

Thanks for your patience.

 

Hang tough man ... never let her back.

[stampdaddy]

I understand, thanks Stamp.

 

FWIW: I know I was out of line with the way I asked some things.

Thanks for your patience.

 

Hang tough man ... never let her back.

I never thought that, God knows I have hijacked a few threads.... Your words of "wanting to SIFT through these posts" and honestly and sincerely seeing what you have is the BEST thing you can do... I will say that the "banter" between you and the BS's was not needed (but you might not know these 2 particular BS'S as I have gotten to, and they DO mean to help, while not fully understanding OUR positions, THEY HAVE SIFTED TOO..... of course there are some that still have the intense anger and hurt, and they WILL try to flame us, but they are quickly doused, YES, even by other BS's..

[White Flower]

I had a friend who cheated on her H and he found out. He actually emailed the OM with hateful, angry words. The OM never replied. He just figured the H needed to let out some anger and move on. I know all parties involved and have seen them all cry about the sitch. (The OM didn't cry, but might as well have).

 

If the OM had answered the email, or phone calls, more truth may have come out and altered the lives of everyone involved. The H would have learned that his W is potentially a serial cheater and would now be long gone. The OM would have dumped the W because he had his own agenda. The W would have lost her mansion of a home that she worked equally hard for. The point is, I believe in this case everyone was a winner in some way for the OM not to have said anything.

 

The H has a woman who really loves him, but cannot be completely satisfied by him. Not wanting to give out TMI, he simply lacks in certain qualities that cannot be repaired/improved. She is there for him, cares for him, and lives her life entirely around him. Being extremely careful as she is, there is no chance of contracting anything. I have no judgement over her and now that I've seen how otherwise she takes care of her H I do not feel like he is suffering or even being played for a fool. Yes, it would hurt if he knew, but I think it would hurt even more if he knew why she cheated and lost her and all that they built together. In this case, I do not feel the H should be told.

 

Cagney, I know your g/f's H is an angry sort, yet his is dealing with a serial cheater WHO IS NOT CAREFUL and while getting prego may also be contracting disease.

 

Tomcat, I had no idea of the details of your story. I felt so sorry after reading it. It must have been so painful to have heard him say that your are the love of his life and by the way I'm back home taking care of dear wife. Wow. My heart goes out to you. It seems you were so close to being together. How are you doing now?

 

Stamp, you're right. There are so many wonderful BSs here that offer a lot of perspective and good advice. Even if they ended up being wrong in a particular case, they are here to learn as well and will walk away with so much more knowledge for it. We are all here to learn. Has MW contacted you lately?

[Lyssa]

But I did feel like I owed that woman in the least that much to let her know that

a) he was a lying to her, to both of us

b) that I was no longer going to be a threat to her she needn't worry and could go ahead and work on their recovery if that is what they wanted because I would no longer be part of the equation

 

TC

 

I didn't know what you had to go through! But hey, you did do it for you and you are in a better place now - definitely. His xW is in a better place too, I'm sure - she doesn't need a man like that and neither do you. You rock!!

[Tomcat33]

Cagney:

 

I am sorry you were sobbing reading my post, it was hard to retell that story but I figured if you can get some semblance of something out of it to your benefit or anyone reading, why not? Might as well put a bad experience to good use? But I can assure you I am totally fine now. Had I written that 7moths ago even, I would have been typing in keys covered in a sea of tears as I often would when I first came to LS. Thank you for your sentiments though. It's ok to want to understand where people's comments come from afterall who are we to tell another human being what is right and wrong for them, right?

 

Lyssa, White Flowers:

 

Thank you honeys, you gals are total sweethearts. Yeah my story is not all that uncommon really, many women/men have gone through this kind of crap. It was completely devestating at the time, but mind you before that I had already suffered so many hard blows in particular when his W found out about us on her own we'd been doing great for months going out all the time living life to the fullest we were on a great high, we had gone away for the weekend at one point and spent it up north by the fire drinking wine, cooking together, watching movies, playing scrabble making love at all hours and talking about what we would name our children and monday after that we parted for work making plans for that evening we would be doing dinner at his place he dropped me off at work told me he loved me, I reciprocated, we made out of a bit and off I went into my office building. Later that morning I didn't get his typical morning email at work telling me he was crazy about me and when I finally did hear from him later that afternoon he told me his ex had come by to see him at work and she knew we had been dating (at all this she had been trying to win him back to move back home of course he was not interested). He didn't want to talk about it was still in shock at her reaction could not believe her devestation (DUHHHHHH! what did he expect?) . He disappeared for two days after that and he moved back home dumping me like a hot potato via email telling me he was devestated to have to do this to have to end things with me but that he had acted terribly that he had to do what was right he owed it to his W, they were to start marriage councelling. THAT was devestating, we spoke on the phone I was in shock it felt like someone had put a dagger in my chest I could not even breath, I have never EVER experienced pain like that. It was the most excrutiating pain you can feel after coming off the high we were on and the amazing weekend of nothing but love and excitement, THAT was death. Clearly he felt it too because he was back on my doorstep a month later telling me he was moved out for good and forever now since what was done was done, and he could not change his actions he felt bad about his W but could not live without me or pass up his chance at happiness out of guilt for his W. So we had a rel for a good 4-5 months byond that and the rest I already spoke of earlier.

 

I can tell you now when I speak to my ex and we are not involved anymore I understand better. He is not a bad guy, he acted terribly YES he made some seriously BAD choices YES, but his bad choices put him under extreme pressue and it's not uncommon for people to break under pressure. I have been there for him off and on because (I am trying to get on with my life I met a man recently I am excited about) though I refuse to see him (the ex), and he is very adamant on winning me back explaining he NEVER stopped loving me that he had to do things like this that he has much regret for dragging me into his mess he had no right to drag me into his marital problems, to which I say "look it took two I am not a child so I allowed myself to get involved with you and you are not responsible for that" but he refuses to let me accept that, he feels he did me a lot of harm due to HIS mess and that all I did was love him (which is true on both counts) and he wanted to love me as he felt and tried but didn't realise just how much harm he was doing to me being so caught up in trying to fix the fine mess he had made and terminating his marriage, when all he wanted was to put me first. He did in almost every respect he really did, but not when the chips were down. And I can't get over that. I dunnow....it's hard to see the positive now but I did forgive him a long time ago so I am trying to be more open to his admisssions, for my own sake I don't want to carry any unresolved feelings about this experience since I want my new rel to have as little baggage possible carried in from this past experience.

 

Anyway sorry S-Diddy for hijacking here with my own crap, don't wish to start a thread on this since I don't care to analise this to death with everyone, just wanted to share with my "closer" LS pals in this thread since we were on the topic of our stories an all...

 

How you doing today S-D? I see in your situation a lot of what I see in mine, I see a woman that has made some terrible choices that is afraid to stand by her feelings and true desires and that needed a shakeup to get her gears in action. Either way and regardless of the outcome I just don't see how confronting the insanity was a bad thing, one way or another decisions needed to be made wherever that love should be directed that is what will prevail. And having you in the picture making it all easier to carry forth a doublt life was not the way it was going to happen. In this case she may be comfortable at home but her life will be nothing but misery if she cannot get you out of her head, not to mention you simply cannot ressurect a relationhsip that is completely dead. At least that is what my ex explains and it can drag on on for a very long time like that. If she does manage to snap out of it and can revive her rel because it wasn't completely dead to her H then still it was the right thing to do, because it means in the end she would have left you to go back to her H anyway.

[stampdaddy]

TC. not hi-jacking if it helps people..

 

Today is fine, baseball practice this afternoon... I really think that I am fine with things the way they are. I mean, sure I miss her, BUT I do NOT miss what we were.. I absolutely, positively DO NOT want that again, so YES, That relationship is completely over.. So, I do not have ANY relationship with her, and I have accepted that... And it has been already a work in process, so that time has passed.. AND, "IF" we are to become "WE" that will be a completely NEW relationship that I don't even know exists yet, same can be said for "anybody new" that comes along, I don't know that they exist, and right now, TODAY, I am not looking for either, HER or SOMEONE NEW, as I am working on STAMP-DIDDY-O-LICIOUS

[OpenBook]

One of the most bone-crushing experiences in life, loving someone so completely and being so manipulated in return. I just feel so drained after reading stories like Tomcat's, and StampDiddy's, and Cagney's, etc. Makes you want to swear off the opposite sex forever... Fortunately most of us get over THAT little bump in the road!!:bunny:

 

I wonder if it's human nature to take advantage of someone who is so completely taken with you... "Hmm they're totally into me, I could do anything I want and they would still keep on loving me." This is the one common factor I see in all the OPs (Other People) described here. They actually believe they will get away with it indefinitely! It's such a sad thing to have to put your foot down with these people, and refuse to be jerked around like that. True love is so rare and precious -- for someone to handle it so badly, it's just WRONG!!

[bentnotbroken]

One of the most bone-crushing experiences in life, loving someone so completely and being so manipulated in return. I just feel so drained after reading stories like Tomcat's, and StampDiddy's, and Cagney's, etc. Makes you want to swear off the opposite sex forever... Fortunately most of us get over THAT little bump in the road!!:bunny:

 

I wonder if it's human nature to take advantage of someone who is so completely taken with you... "Hmm they're totally into me, I could do anything I want and they would still keep on loving me." This is the one common factor I see in all the OPs (Other People) described here. They actually believe they will get away with it indefinitely! It's such a sad thing to have to put your foot down with these people, and refuse to be jerked around like that. True love is so rare and precious -- for someone to handle it so badly, it's just WRONG!!

 

 

 

 

OB, you and I agree. That is exactly the bs feel. So used and jerked around waiting for someone else to take action. And they do believe they can get away with it indefinitely.

[OpenBook]

OB, you and I agree. That is exactly the bs feel. So used and jerked around waiting for someone else to take action. And they do believe they can get away with it indefinitely.

 

Absolutely. Which is why I'm mystified by how many BS's focus on the OW and not on the REAL source of their pain - their own H's. I know you drop-kicked your H into next year (and good for you!). It's just been my experience and observation that if men think they can get away with something on a woman, they will do it. I wonder if more women (BS's and OW's both) put their foot down more often with their men, and refuse to be treated like that, would we be able to curb the cake-eating enthusiasm???

[bentnotbroken]

Absolutely. Which is why I'm mystified by how many BS's focus on the OW and not on the REAL source of their pain - their own H's. I know you drop-kicked your H into next year (and good for you!). It's just been my experience and observation that if men think they can get away with something on a woman, they will do it. I wonder if more women (BS's and OW's both) put their foot down more often with their men, and refuse to be treated like that, would we be able to curb the cake-eating enthusiasm???

 

 

 

I think the fact that we are human is some bs focus on the ow. It is like the person that you trusted mos in the world would never do that to you of their own free will, they had to have been brainwashed, under some voodoo spell or completely insane. So the ow had to have some evil power over them. So it is easier to blame the outside source, instead of the source closest to you.

 

But just to clarify from my own situation, I felt like it was a choice they both made. He married me, she hurt my kids, with his help of course. I hold them equally couplable. I think my hurt comes from the fact that she knew my family, well. It is hard for me to fathom how a woman who loves her own children and wouldn't want anyone to hurt them(ow), why she would help bring that pain to my kids. I am soooo over protective of kids, not just mine, but I geniunely like kids and think it part of my responsibility as an adult to help protect them from everyone who is trying to hurt them. I know that is probably an extreme view, but in my job, I see so many who are hurting from adult actions that hurt them. Just me.

[OpenBook]

Absolutely. Which is why I'm mystified by how many BS's focus on the OW and not on the REAL source of their pain - their own H's. I know you drop-kicked your H into next year (and good for you!). It's just been my experience and observation that if men think they can get away with something on a woman, they will do it. I wonder if more women (BS's and OW's both) put their foot down more often with their men, and refuse to be treated like that, would we be able to curb the cake-eating enthusiasm???

 

Sorry I just re-read my own post and realized it was slanted against males who cheat... I should have phrased it more generically to include all sides of the equation. My apologies to Stamp/Cagney/OM's Everywhere and I hereby acknowledge that women cheat too! (Are you hearing me Woggle??)

[Aoife]

Getting back to the OP....Stamp...Lots of people here seem to love your posts, but I find you self pitying, I'm sorry but yip I do!!! I mean, you're a DAD!!! HOW can you wallow like this?? Your kids HAVE to be missing out....I think you have many great qualities but I also think people here are over indulging you and you really need to wise up!! She is USING you...please move on!!!!!! No doubt I will be yelled at, but...you're a DAD!!!!! Get over it!!! I can get over mine, and I don't even have children, so wise up!!!!! Why can't you? And I think the people sympathising with you do you no favours..