I just made the call to H...

[Aoife]

LMAO!!!

 

Its been tried before, and was called bashing and attacking. Good luck with that "truth telling" though.

 

LOL...disappointing to say least..I thought people here would be kinder. Ah well....

[White Flower]

*sigh* I never said he was....I just said his children are the priority, which no one here would disagree with!!! I think he spends tooooo much time on his Love, who treats him terribly..but I CAN'T say it's all ok when I feel she is taking him for a ride!!! I also can't feel sorry for him....he has spelled out how bad she is yet people here sympathise??? how is that helping??? I must be sooo thick, but I tell it like I see it...people here sympathise instead of telling the truth...that the relationship is no good!!! So much for telling the truth here.......

Well, sometimes the only way we can see the truth during a very painful time is to post our feelings and we don't usually post anything but the truth. You must see that. He's not on here saying that everything is rosy when it isn't. He is telling his truth and hoping to get support. You must also realize that 'support' does not mean "Oh, Stamp, wait it out. She'll come to her senses", blah, blah, blah. We (the OPs) are actually telling him that he's suffered long enough and he should probably move on to someone who is free and willing to give him her all. This place is so about the truth.

 

You must be confusing a hidden relationship with truth-telling. And believe it or not, someone can be completely honest while in a hidden rel. I wouldn't recommend it though.

[Aoife]

Well, sometimes the only way we can see the truth during a very painful time is to post our feelings and we don't usually post anything but the truth. You must see that. He's not on here saying that everything is rosy when it isn't. He is telling his truth and hoping to get support. You must also realize that 'support' does not mean "Oh, Stamp, wait it out. She'll come to her senses", blah, blah, blah. We (the OPs) are actually telling him that he's suffered long enough and he should probably move on to someone who is free and willing to give him her all. This place is so about the truth.

 

You must be confusing a hidden relationship with truth-telling. And believe it or not, someone can be completely honest while in a hidden rel. I wouldn't recommend it though.

 

WF, i HATE leaving my man (I think you must know my story...I figure if I can do it anyone can)

I am not confusing anything....I think because I tell the truth people try to make out i's wrong - I wish!!!!NO ONE can be deceitful and be honorable or love-worthy..it might be ok for you WF (and I mean no malice there) but that wouldn't be ok for me!!! Your man had it in him to cheat and deceive....that is why with my MM I choose to leave - I don't want a relationship with someone who does that!!!

[phoenixgirl]

Aoife,

 

I could be wrong (and I'm certainly in no fit place to give support to anyone else right now) but it seems to me that you may be projecting some of your own issues onto Stamp right now.

 

You said that you chose to leave your MM for various reasons, mainly because you just got fed up after so much shxt? Maybe you were able to do this fairly early in your EMR and you see that Stamp really *wasn't* able to do that, and it frustrates you. Or maybe you see *yourself* reflected in Stamp, and *that* frustrates you. Either way, it just seems to me that there are some labels that you're pasting onto Stamp - especially the kids issue. You can't truly know him or his issues unless you'd walked his journey with him like the majority of these people had.

 

If nothing else, it could be that we're all just reading you completely wrong and you're trying to come across as loving and supportive, but none of us have taken it that way and this whole thing has gotten blown way out of proportion!

 

At any rate, I've only been here a few days and I truly feel this is a safe place. I'd give it a chance and suggest not giving out any advice, suggestions, or opinions on other peoples' situations until you get to know them better.

[stampdaddy]

Once again, Stamp will speak for Stamp.. YES, a beautiful afternoon at baseball, WITH MY SON and 23 other team mates.. ALSO my "children".. My daughter is doing fantastic at college.. She is a freshman.. Her new car that I bought her at Thanksgiving is doing just fine... A flat tire is all, but hey, we have AAA (and they are great, I higly recommend them if you dont).. ENOUGH BICKERING GIRLS.... AOIFE, I know you mean well, but back off the ill-spirit.. You have been a help too, and you and I have chatted, but something is not right on this post.. Can we talk later??

I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK, and I AM NOT, what was the word, DROWNING IN THIS??? I AM making progress, that is all we can ask for.. is why we are here.. 1 step at a time, right.. EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE, needs help, that is why we are here, RIGHT?? YES, some folks have an agenda, that we dont agree with, BUIT THEY NEED HELP TOO, and YES there are some of those that WON'T ACCEPT OUR HELP, so screw 'em and ignore them..

 

All I am saying is that ALL of you, and I mean ALL OF YOU, have helped ME, so thank you...

[White Flower]

WF, i HATE leaving my man (I think you must know my story...I figure if I can do it anyone can)

I am not confusing anything....I think because I tell the truth people try to make out i's wrong - I wish!!!!NO ONE can be deceitful and be honorable or love-worthy..it might be ok for you WF (and I mean no malice there) but that wouldn't be ok for me!!! Your man had it in him to cheat and deceive....that is why with my MM I choose to leave - I don't want a relationship with someone who does that!!!

I understand where you're coming from. I just didn't want you to put everyone in a lump category with regard to EMAs. Some of us are actually seeking the truth, whatever that is. Others might be willing to give up one moral in search of another. It seems contradictory, but when all is sorted out it can mean finding the truth. I can philosophize forever, so I won't bore you:)

 

And since I knew Stamp's story I know he's a great father. Stamp, let us defend you once in a while. Don't be so proud, lol;)

[allbetternow]

Children are part of a family; everyone in the family has needs. Period.

 

BTW, Stamp's kids are a little older and can pretty much take care of themselves. He's not neglecting them.

 

You don't know SD, you only know the person he portrays himself to be on this site.

[whichwayisup]

I think what some may be forgetting that on forums like this, people vent and say stuff, so when reading it, it can seem very intense at times and some may assume offline that posters carry it with them 24/7. I highly doubt that Stamps or any other person either in this section or another section of LS is completely devastated by their life situation that they're neglecting their kids, and only focussing on themselves.

 

I agree with allbetternow too, all we know is what we're told so it's best not assume what someones life is like offline and away from LS.

[Lyssa]

At any rate, I've only been here a few days and I truly feel this is a safe place. I'd give it a chance and suggest not giving out any advice, suggestions, or opinions on other peoples' situations until you get to know them better.

 

Good post, Phoenix and yes, it's better to get to know peoples' situations before one says anything. What happened in the last few pages can be avoided if time was taken to read through the whole thread or the history of Original Poster. I have seen this happening a few times and it's quite disappointing especially when things were going so well but aah s*** happens.

 

I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK, and I AM NOT, what was the word, DROWNING IN THIS??? I AM making progress, that is all we can ask for.. is why we are here.. 1 step at a time, right.. EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE, needs help, that is why we are here, RIGHT?? YES, some folks have an agenda, that we dont agree with, BUIT THEY NEED HELP TOO, and YES there are some of those that WON'T ACCEPT OUR HELP, so screw 'em and ignore them..

 

All I am saying is that ALL of you, and I mean ALL OF YOU, have helped ME, so thank you...

 

StampDiddyLicious, that's good to know that you're drowning in this. You were but you're all better now and it does look like you're moving on so good for you!

 

Lyssa, White Flowers:

 

Thank you honeys, you gals are total sweethearts.

 

*giggle* So are you, TC!

 

Yeah my story is not all that uncommon really, many women/men have gone through this kind of crap.

 

It's not common but for it to happen to someone I know and have forged a bond with (not knowing the full story from the beginning) - it's really heartbreaking.

 

I can tell you now when I speak to my ex and we are not involved anymore I understand better. He is not a bad guy, he acted terribly YES he made some seriously BAD choices YES, but his bad choices put him under extreme pressue and it's not uncommon for people to break under pressure.

 

This is something I have seen in my X. We broke up because his mother was pressuring him but it wasn't what he wanted to do. I was mad angry when I found out and hated everything about him but when I started to think clearly, he wasn't that bad of a guy. He's just a mama's boy. LOL. I agree that people tend to break under pressure.

 

That said, thanks for sharing your experience, TC. It's good to know what one had to go through and I learn something new every day about everyone here.

[stampdaddy]

well, Stampdaddy has 2 GREAT CHILDREN that he adores... And THEY know that... That is why I AM Stampdaddy.. Seriously, we are so close an neither are getting "absorbed in the middle of this", although I will admit my son asking me, " Dad, why dont you laugh any more....?" That os what in part it took for my action that we are discusing today. Well, at least SOME of us....

[White Flower]

You don't know SD, you only know the person he portrays himself to be on this site.

 

I can only post on what I have read like everyone else.

 

And I feel honored to be the target of your first post.

[Lyssa]

I can only post on what I have read like everyone else.

 

And I feel honored to be the target of your first post.

 

I find it odd that that was said for his/her first post.

[allbetternow]

I find it odd that that was said for his/her first post.

 

I'm usually just an observer.

I find it kind of weird how SD is defended out here smetimes. I guess that is what SD is looking for or would not be on LS. I had to post here because I think any time you are an OM/OW, you are putting your children at risk, because of what it does to you emotionally, and because even the most even tempered MM or MW could snap when discovering an A, so particularly in this case, when SD has posted in prior posts that the child has met the MW, I think this is neglectful... what happens when the MW's H comes looking for SD and the child / children are there?

 

Just my two cents, I don't know SD either, sure he is a fine person, but have been following some of these stories and just think for someone who knows only what they have read on posts, it is strange to claiim that you know he is a "great father". I am not trying to be critical. I just think people minimize sometimes how the children are impacted by all of this.

[Owl]

SD, I'm glad you're hanging in there, man! Stick with it!

 

Cagney, you've submitted that some of BS's can't POSSIBLY "know" that SD will feel better down the road. And I know that I'm the one you've called out, since I'm the one suggested you go read my story.

 

First off...you're right...no one can "KNOW" with 100% accuracy. ON ANYTHING AT ALL.

 

Stamp might get run over by a beer truck today and never feel better about anything.

 

So what we (everyone) do is base it all on our past experiences.

 

How do I "KNOW" that SD will feel better for having told and moved on? Because I've seen it happen with other people. Because I KNOW what the stress is like during an affair...and it doesn't matter if you're WS, BS, or OP in this case...its CLEAR that he's hurting and extrememly stressed out over the whole situation. It doesn't take some kind of rocket scientist to figure this out.

 

Nor does it take a PHD to figure out that the sooner he gets OUT of that stressful environment, the better he'll feel. The faster he'll heal.

 

My 'experience' tells me that he's going to feel like doodoo for a while. And slowly, as his mind turns away from the affair onto day to day living, he'll find that he IS happier. And at some point, he's very likely to look back and say to himself "Well, I was in a bad situation, but at least I did the right thing in the end.". Now...do I KNOW he'll say that? OK...nope, I don't. Do I think it VERY LIKELY he'll say that? Yep. Why? Because I've seen it happen with a good friend of mine who was involved with a MW. Because I've also seen the relief that other posters have on this and other sites have experienced once they got through the "fog".

 

How do you KNOW that you'll die if your heart stops beating? Have you ever done that before? Nope...but the experience of others has led you to that conclusion. Your own personal observations of critters that have croaked has possibly confirmed it.

 

How many friends have you nursed through a broken relationship in the past? How is this ANY different than that? Sure, there was an affair involved...but beyond that, there's nothing different here than when your best bud in college got his heart broken. You KNEW that he'd feel better eventually, and that's what you told him.

 

This is NO different.

[Cagney]

I know that I'm the one you've called out, since I'm the one suggested you go read my story.

 

I don't recall calling you out ... please accept my apology for making it seem that way.

 

Cagney, you've submitted that some of BS's can't POSSIBLY "know" that SD will feel better down the road.

 

Actually my question was “will an OW/OM really heal better ... for having personally told the betrayed spouse about having sex with the BS’s mate.”

 

It's seems like another traumatic thing - on top of losing someone you love.

 

That’s what Stamp did (the title of this thread) and that’s what I was (up until yesterday) considering doing myself.

 

And I was looking for some authentication from an OW/OM who actually, personally told on his/her MW/MM.

 

I understand that you’re a BS.

 

And that you’re not were NOT and OM who called a husband to personally tell him that you’re the guy who’s been having sex with his wife.

 

Or am I wrong? Have you done that deed and then felt better because of doing that deed?

 

I’ve been told by two doctor’s that telling my MWs Husband that I’ve been having sex with his wife will hinder my healing and not help it

 

And here's a link to a similar question – FWIW to you

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/02/15/wife_affair/

 

Just to clarify, I totally agree with you, that in time, Stamp will feel better, just for ending the affair, and so will I.

Edited March 3, 2008 by Cagney

[Cagney]

Stamp might get run over by a beer truck today and never feel better about anything.

 

OK, now I'd agree that you ... like Stamp ... and even me,

.... have never been run over by a beer truck!

 

So in THIS case, I trust you to tell me that Stamp and I will feel better if we don't get run over by a beer truck ... today. But that's because you know what it's like to NOT get run over by a beer truck (I think)

 

I would even agree that if Stamp gets run over by a beer truck, then he'll never feel better about anything.

[Cagney]

I'm usually just an observer.

I find it kind of weird how SD is defended out here smetimes. I guess that is what SD is looking for or would not be on LS. I had to post here because I think any time you are an OM/OW, you are putting your children at risk, because of what it does to you emotionally, and because even the most even tempered MM or MW could snap when discovering an A, so particularly in this case, when SD has posted in prior posts that the child has met the MW, I think this is neglectful... what happens when the MW's H comes looking for SD and the child / children are there?

 

Just my two cents, I don't know SD either, sure he is a fine person, but have been following some of these stories and just think for someone who knows only what they have read on posts, it is strange to claiim that you know he is a "great father". I am not trying to be critical. I just think people minimize sometimes how the children are impacted by all of this.

 

Very good question ... at least from MY viewpoint!

 

This thread is mostly about Stamp calling the husband to tell about his affair.

 

Should I (or other OMs) do the same thing as Stamp?

If I tell the H, then my grown children will definitely learn about my secret affair that is now finally ended.

 

So I'm really wondering now how Stamp's children are dealing with this?

 

I agree with this poster, that bringing the kids into the thing was not a good idea.

[Owl]

Cag-

 

I'm the BS...never been the OP/MM, and so have never "told the H" anything. I WAS the H.

 

Your situation is drastically different from Stamp's. In HIS case, he "needed" to tell the H about continued contact from WW to Stamp.

 

Her BH was already aware of the sex and everything else...he'd been pushing his WW to go to NC, and she'd been assuring him that she was...and lying through her teeth. So her BH was repeatedly trying to call the number he saw on the cell phone bill, suspecting that it was indeed Stamp.

 

In order for Stamp to get out of this whole situation, he needed to tell BH the truth, so that he'd stop calling, and so that SHE would stop calling and allow Stamp to begin healing.

 

Stamp WILL feel better as a result of ending the affair, healing from the emotional trauma, and "moving on". I have no doubt, and that's the basis of my advice to him.

 

Your question...“will an OW/OM really heal better ... for having personally told the betrayed spouse about having sex with the BS’s mate.”...has absolutely nothing to do with Stamp's situation. Will YOU feel better about telling MWH about the affair? Probably not. For a number of reasons. I'm firmly believe that both doctors told you that it will hinder your healing. Because telling her H NOW simply prolongs your remaining in the situation...which is exactly what we've been trying to get Stamp out of.

 

I'm sure that they'll tell you that it will hinder your situation. They're right. First off, you've already emotionally "moved on". Any further contact with her OR him will "put you back into the situation". Additionally, contrary to what you've stated, your position on this has remained pretty adamant for quite some time: you've made up your mind already. So again, anything contrary to that is not "moving on".

 

In YOUR situation, I would still recommend telling...but the reasons for that have nothing to do with YOU. Which is why they're contrary to the doctor's you're seeing...because THEIR only concern is YOU. I'd advocate telling for bigger reasons than that.

 

Bottom line is this...if you want to talk further about YOUR situation, I'll gladly do that on your thread...if you're interested in hearing my viewpoint further. Otherwise, I'll stay focused on Stamp's situation here on this thread.

[serial muse]

I don't recall calling you out ... please accept my apology for making it seem that way.

 

 

 

Actually my question was “will an OW/OM really heal better ... for having personally told the betrayed spouse about having sex with the BS’s mate.”

 

It's seems like another traumatic thing - on top of losing someone you love.

 

That’s what Stamp did (the title of this thread) and that’s what I was (up until yesterday) considering doing myself.

 

And I was looking for some authentication from an OW/OM who actually, personally told on his/her MW/MM.

 

I understand that you’re a BS.

 

And that you’re not were NOT and OM who called a husband to personally tell him that you’re the guy who’s been having sex with his wife.

 

Or am I wrong? Have you done that deed and then felt better because of doing that deed?

 

I’ve been told by two doctor’s that telling my MWs Husband that I’ve been having sex with his wife will hinder my healing and not help it

 

And here's a link to a similar question – FWIW to you

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/col/tenn/2005/02/15/wife_affair/

 

Just to clarify, I totally agree with you, that in time, Stamp will feel better, just for ending the affair, and so will I.

 

Hi Cagney. I understand your point, that no one can really say how you'll feel in a particular situation unless you've been there. I would argue that no one can necessarily say even if they have been there. They can only say how they felt, but their motivations, their emotional needs, what they need to feel "closure," what they need to feel at peace with themselves, may be very different.

 

The thing is, you've been told how you'll feel by two doctors who haven't undergone this scenario - that doesn't mean that they can't bring their knowledge to bear, but it does mean that nobody, no matter how many degrees they have, is going to be able to know what will make you feel better. All they can say is their opinion, weighted by whatever knowledge they can bring to bear, and slanted by whatever agenda they also have.

 

I think that when people come here asking this question - to tell or not to tell - that's an indication that there is some inner impulse to do it, and the only question is why. Some people here on this board will say the why doesn't matter, but others will say it does. So if you have that impulse, you just have to look at it and decide whether it's coming from a place that you want it to be coming from - something you can live with later - and then decide whether you want to do it. That's all. Your decision may be different from Stamp's, but he's made his now, for his own reasons, and is willing to be at peace with it. I know you haven't decided yet, but it's not any more fair to push your agenda on him than it is for someone else to.

 

Stamp - from what I've read here, it sounds like you do ultimately believe you did the right thing for you, and now are willing to face forward and come to terms with things. That's not a small thing, but it's what really matters, in order to move toward the future, and I wouldn't take that away from you. Bravo, and stay strong. Your kids are lucky kids.

[allbetternow]

Stamp - from what I've read here, it sounds like you do ultimately believe you did the right thing for you, and now are willing to face forward and come to terms with things. That's not a small thing, but it's what really matters, in order to move toward the future, and I wouldn't take that away from you. Bravo, and stay strong. Your kids are lucky kids.

 

Really, are the kids lucky? This is really bothering me. I'm sorry. But it's selfish for someone to involve their kids in this type of situation.

 

As far as to tell or not to tell,

I don't think its anyone's place but the MM or MW to tell the spouse about the A. Particularly if you love the person and want a future with them. Whats the saying - if you love something, set it free?? Thats what NC is supposed to be about. Let the MW/MM make the decision. It is their marriage. If you want a future with them, your best bet is to give them to space they need to come to those decisions on their own.

 

You can't tell me that SD did this out of compassion for the H. He did this because he was angry with the MM because she keeps stringing him along and has made no movement towards a D. I don't think anyone in this situation can honestly say that they would tell the S because "it was the right thing to do". If they were interested in so doing the right thing, they wouldn't be there in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

You can't tell me that SD did this out of compassion for the H.

 

Why not let SD tell you? Noone here can answer that. We can guess, assume, but that's about it.

[allbetternow]

Why not let SD tell you? Noone here can answer that. We can guess, assume, but that's about it.

 

You're right. Guess all I was meaning to say was that I don't think if anyone looks deep enough, their motivation for telling the S would be purely to do the right thing. I think if people look into themselves for the real motivation, it would be for self-serving reasons. Just my opinion.

[Owl]

I think if people look into themselves for the real motivation, it would be for self-serving reasons. Just my opinion.

 

I'd tend to agree somewhat. Everyone is motivated by "enlightened self-interest".

 

But if you think about it...it was that same "self-serving" mentality that LED to the affair...no?

 

The choice to tell probably wasn't solely based on "self-serving" reasons. It was at least partially motivated out of a need to "do the right thing". Which puts it well up on maintaining the affair, in my book at least.

[stampdaddy]

You're right. Guess all I was meaning to say was that I don't think if anyone looks deep enough, their motivation for telling the S would be purely to do the right thing. I think if people look into themselves for the real motivation, it would be for self-serving reasons. Just my opinion.

I will answer you. YOU ARE WRONG. I've written it before in this thread, which is getting long, so I will just re-write it.. In watching and listening to her, the lying, lying, lying (and knowing that her husband KNEW in his gut it was my #), and HOPING that she would do the right thing by standing up and taking one flippin' ounce or responsibility, but not, and the light started to come on.. The H knew damn well that the # was mine, going to bed every night, not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, everytime he looked at her, etc, etc. He knew. He was becoming VERY real to me, for the first time, and if you havent been in the OM/OW's shoes, this is hard to understand. I made sure of my feelings before I acted, because the LAST thing I wanted to do was something out of "anger". Now, I dont expect to win a medal for "stand up guy of the year", but I believe that I won everybodies "freedom" from this Affair as it is finally over. NOW WE ALL CAN MOVE FORWARD with what is in our laps...

[allbetternow]

I'd tend to agree somewhat. Everyone is motivated by "enlightened self-interest".

 

But if you think about it...it was that same "self-serving" mentality that LED to the affair...no?

 

The choice to tell probably wasn't solely based on "self-serving" reasons. It was at least partially motivated out of a need to "do the right thing". Which puts it well up on maintaining the affair, in my book at least.

 

Excellent point.