wrghflyr Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Hi all. I'm new here. This site was recommended to me by a co-worker as a healthy way to seek advice on what seems like the most important recurring issue in my life. For the purposes of this, I'm going to call one person my friend and the other my wife. Bear with me here I'll try to sum this up as quickly as I can. I met this girl in college in North Caroline who over the years became my absolute best friend. We share an emotional intimacy I've never had with anyone. Over the years, I seriously wished we had taken our relationship to the next level. Over the college years, we stayed best friends, literally doing everything together. We have both acknowledged many times that we love each other (not romantically) and remain each others best friend. Toward the end of our college years, I got very depressed because I knew I was in love with this girl and nothing ever happened beyond us being friends. I started spending less time with her. During this time, I met the person who would become my wife. Soon after I met my wife, we were at a social function and met the friend. The friend and I reconnected like we were never apart for a day. The wife-to-be met the friend and they did NOT hit it off. I might not have mentioned this, but the friend is extremely attractive. Fast forward one year, I'm getting married to my wife. I ask my wife to have the friend be a bridesmaid. Over the past year, we have started to hang out in an attempt to have all parties get along. It would be fair to say both of these ladies tolerated the other. Friend is in the wedding. All is happy. Wife and I move to Florida for my job. Friend moves to California because she's met someone. There haven't been too many days over the past four years since then we haven't talked. We have remained as close. Friend is now engaged to the guy she moved to Ca for. He is super successful. He pays no attention to friend and doesn't treat her particularly well. I go out and see them all the time. She seems to tolerate the situation because she has a pretty good life. Rewind just a bit. Let's say last July, my wife and I are having serious trouble. We have multiple problems, one of which is my wife's resentment of the emotional intimacy I have with the friend. In truth, she's right. All the things I should share with her, I share with the friend. Realistically, my relationship with the friend represented probably 40% of our total problems. Friend encouraged the divorce for legit reasons. Over the years, I've always liked southern California, San Diego in particular. Being freshly divorced, no kids, I'm giving serious consideration to moving. I'm a Program Manager for a defense contractor, so San Diego would be a good fit with all the military presence. Finding a job won't be a big deal. Friend and her fiancee live in Orange County, Ca. For those of you unfamiliar, that's one county up from San Diego. I promise this is wrapping up and coming to the discussion point. I just spent five days looking at places to live with friend in San Diego. We had a great time and found somewhere I'd like to buy. Here is where I need some advice. If I move, how do I reconcile friend's upcoming marriage and not get too close. Keep in mind this person is my best friend in the world and a conversation that I would normally have with her, if it were about anything else. I don't want to end up miserable and angry that friend is not with me and cause trouble in her relationship. How do I push my best friend away given that I have more emotional connection with her than anyone else I've ever met? Is it a bad idea to move? I'll be glad to answer any questions anyone has, but PLEASE weigh in here about what to do. Many thanks, conflicted! Link to post Share on other sites
SOS_Please Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Hello Conflicted! (LOL, aren't we all?) Well, honestly, I would not move. I think you know what will end up happening: friend gets married, you comfort her (since apparently her soon-to-be-husband doesn't treat her very well), you two hang out all the time, maybe one night you both have too much to drink, or she's particularly angry/disenchanted with her husband; regardless of the reasons, what I'm attempting to imply is that you know that something will inevitably happen between you and the friend. Or, at least, you (if not consciously, subconsiously) know that you are moving to CA for the sake of being around this friend, and the possibility of something happening. Now, if you really care for this woman, why shouldn't you want her to yourself? Tell her you're in love with her, and go to CA to get your woman! At least let her know how you feel, so she won't make the same mistake with her husband that you did with your wife. You owe her the truth; and you owe it to yourself! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrghflyr Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks for the advice. You're exactly right. I do love her and always have. I'm sure we share the same feelings regarding our friendship, but I don't know how she feels about taking it to the next level. An interesting aside, on a drive back from SD to OC, somehow we somehow got to talking about her sex life. Apparently, they don't have sex a lot and it's a major issue. She doesn't know what to do, etc. This was another one of the major issues with my failed marriage. At first we had sex a lot, but in the last few years, hardly ever. I just didn't feel the passion for my wife. I know that's a horrible thing to say. We even went to counseling. I just thought that was an interesting similarity. I think our emotional intimacy has been part, if not the full cause. Anyway, thanks again. Hope to post about something that doesn't have me all twisted up some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrghflyr Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 I'd be extremely appreciative if others would weigh in. I need to know if my feelings are off base. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 I walk in your shoes. If I were single, there's no way any man would get in my way. In my case, the "friendship" has been been extant for over 20 years. I went NC 14 years ago so she could work out her marriage. She didn't look me up when she left her husband, but interestingly left him just about the time I started dating my now wife. My emotional connection (remembrance of) with her got me through my mom's illness and emotional distance in my marriage. We reconnected in the last year and it was like time had stood still, from the first moment. I will respect my marriage and go NC again, but will not waste my opportunity if it comes my way again. I repeat, if you're single and she's not yet married, all is fair in love and war and the emotional connection you have is something which likely will not ever happen again in your lifetime. Don't screw it up. Get out of the "friend" zone. My friend has a long-term boyfriend (about 8 years now) but, trust me, he wouldn't stand a chance Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrghflyr Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks Carhill. I appreciate the advice. What has always been so amazing about this relationship is level of emotional connection. I feel a happiness when I'm with her that I've never felt before. I am single, so no complications on my end. I was txt'ing her today and we were talking about how much we wanted to hang out when/if I moved out. I know what you mean about the time standing still. I want it more than anything, but I'm just hesitant because I know how bad it's going to hurt if this blows up. Thanks again for the support! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 (edited) No worries. In our case, our relationship has always been strictly platonic (not even a kiss), and I asked her on a recent mileage run (yes, my wife knew about her, knows her and she and her boyfriend have had dinner at our house) if I had ever "hit on her". She said no. I said "you'll know when I do" Such a relationship would be no issue for us, but we're both moral people who have respected each other's marriages. She has a fear similar to you, because she wouldn't want to lose me as a friend. I essentially said that will happen when I am dead. With absolutely no disrespect to my wife, there are rare occasions between two humans where there is an additional dimension of existence, almost a telepathic symbiosis, perhaps similar to that experienced by multiples (twins, etc). I would never had known what that is if she hadn't walked through the door of my shop 23 years ago. I've been infatuated, in love, and married, which don't compare in any significant way. So, I think I know what you're facing. By the way, we both happen to have highly sensitive nervous systems, something I did not know in a quantitative way until quite recently. We also have many more similarities (habits, preferences, etc) than we ever knew prior. Reconnecting as older adults has been an amazingly educational experience for me and put facts to all the senses I had experienced over the years. I'll bet you can identify with some of this. In my opinion, you've been polite, moral, sensitive and patient. Now, it's your time. Edited February 28, 2008 by carhill add further information Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrghflyr Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 So, a brief update on this. I was chatting with my friend in Cali yesterday and said, "You know I'd be basically moving to California for you right?" She said she knew and that was ok. On some level that should be a relief, but I'm just not trying to have 2008 be drama and hurt filled. Still leaning towards going, but still also have some hesitancy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 As long as you're aware of the risk (that an intimate emotional connection does not always equal romance), I'd say full steam ahead. It's normal to feel hesitancy because nothing in life is a sure thing. Take a look at the first paragraph of a recent post of mine for an example of what I've been talking about here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1556679#post1556679 Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wrghflyr Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Carhill, Thanks again. Your reassurance means a lot here. I know you're right about nothing being absolute. Link to post Share on other sites
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