Alcohol-Free Wedding!

[jessicakicksbut]

I am getting married in October, and I am having trouble getting my family to accept the type of wedding I am having. I feel it is important getting married in the sight of God, so getting married in the church we attend is a must. On the other hand, I do not see a purpose of a reception, nor do I want one. I just want to "form a union of one" with my beau, in all aspects (emotionally, spiritually, legally, etc.) I just want to get married, and I am more concerned with the many years my husband and I will spend together instead of that one day.

 

Now that I have stated my views, here is my question. My family has some mixed opinions about the type of wedding I am having. They do not understand since I have a large amount of assetts in the bank why I am not having a reception so everyone in my family can "get drunk" and "party" basically. Also, they do not understand why I am not having bridemaids, ushers, flowergirl, etc. They don't understand the concept that I am just getting married, absolutely no frills!

 

What really bothers me most is that it seems like they are really dwelling on the fact they won't have a chance to drink alcohol. I tested this thought by them by telling them that if I have a reception, that I am thinking of having my reception in the church basement, totally catered (BTW...you can not drink in the type of church I belong to). They started objecting when I told them, saying that a person can not be comfortable or be themselves at a church reception, and started suggesting various bars I can have the reception at. They even went as far as saying "you can't have a reception at a church wedding, then you won't be able to have a champagne toast". Ironically, I don't even drink alcohol, and haven't even had a glass of the stuff since New Years Eve of last year, nor do I plan to for my wedding (the taste and smell gets me sick).

 

I got aggrivated, and told them all I am just get married at the church, absolutely no reception, no frills, nothing afterwards. I know even if I let them throw me some kind of after wedding party, it is just going to be so they can drink. To tell you the truth, they are not even big drinkers, they just view weddings as a time to drink and be marry. In my opinion, I think it is a very Godly time and no alcohol should be involved, PERIOD! I don't expect anyone to agree with me, just grant me and my fiances only major request on our wedding day. By the way, my fiance also feels the same way I do, and as for his family...well, unfortunately they have mostly all passed away, even his parents.

 

My question is, does anyone think I am wrong for depriving my family of a celebration? They seem to think I am, and they are also starting to make comments about how "cheap" I am because I am not having a reception. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

[Tony T]

You have to understand that while you may have been dreaming about the kind of wedding you will have for many years, your parents have also been dreaming of this special day as well. There is, unfortunately, a conflict in the dreams each of you have had.

 

I think you ought to let your parents and friends get smashed to the hilt if they want. Let your parents throw a big feast in your honor. Show up right after the wedding, make a 15 minute appearance at which time you can mingle a little, cut some cake, smile big for the cameras and leave. Then your beloved parents, who have lived for this day for many years, can get blasted out of their minds along with the guests...and you will be miles away.

 

If you do it the way I have stated it, it will be your parents who have sponsored this event and sanctioned the alcohol and you and your groom will only put in a brief cameo appearance to get the action started. I think that would be a fitting thing.

 

You're going to have to learn compromises if you're going to be married. Not only compromises with your husband but with everybody around. You are different than a lot of people who won't understand you well at all. You should never compromise your values or beliefs. But you can accomodate certain people in certain ways without doing so.

 

A brief appearance at a reception in your honor is not compromising anything, yet it advances a token of love to your parents who got you to this point.

 

I hope this helps and I hope you can learn to soften your stance on some things ever so slightly to take into consideration the feelings of others...and especially on this day that is so important to your parents.

 

P.S. I share your view on drinking. Matter of fact, I have only had four sips of beer in my entire life. I'd rather go to prison for life than drink an entire can of beer...I can't stand the stuff. And I've probably had less than one mixed drink in the last ten years. I just don't see the purpose of drinking alcohol. If you have to get drunk to enjoy life, you're pretty pitiful. However, part of respecting others is appreciating that most other people aren't as lucky as myself and they need help to be happy. Let them have their liquor...and I'll have my Perrier.

 

Best wishes for a HAPPY WEDDING and a wonderful but brief appearance at your parents' after-wedding party in your honor!!! Letting your parents have this will be a loving and selfless act on your part and a great gift to them. After all, if it hadn't been for them, you wouldn't be around.

[HokeyReligions]

Tony brings up some good points, and has suggested, what I think is a fair compromise.

 

 

My question is, does anyone think I am wrong for depriving my family of a celebration?

 

Personally, I don't see you depriving them of a celebration. You are planning a celebration in your own way and that is their ability to witness you getting married at the wedding of your choice. Having a small reception in the church basement sounds fine - it gives everyone an opportunity to tell you that they love you and that they loved sharing this special moment with you and tell you how beautiful you look, etc. There doesn't need to be booze for that!

[turtle]

The purpose of a wedding reception is not to party and get drunk. It is a time for people to see each other and hang out. It's like a mini-family reunion. You also get to see friends from out of town that you haven't seen in awhile.

 

If you do not want to have a wedding reception, that is fine and it's your decision. But don't expect people to show up at the wedding if you are not going to have a reception. That is just plain rude. You might as well go and elope.

 

So, you don't like alcohol, big deal....don't drink it. It's like food, if you don't like it...don't put it on your plate...but don't deprive others of it. Make it a cash bar if you want to minimize the drinking.

 

Personally, I think it's weird that you don't want a reception. The only people I've heard of that don't want one are those that are financially strained and can't afford it.

[Bill]

I'd go to your wedding where the alcohol is free! YaY! (j/k)

[Patty]

I think its great that you would like an alcohol free wedding but its also good to think of something everyone will enjoy.Get a good DJ for your wedding reception to play a little something for everyone.

 

I remember in the past going to parties that had very little music I liked.I was hoping to hear some of my music but all they played was hip hop and that really sucked cause I was sitting there waiting for them to play some music that I could get up and dance too.

 

Thats why its good to have a little bit of everything.You can always have some non alcohol beverages too for the people that dont care about drinking.

 

Good luck on your wedding,I hope everything works out for you.

 

Patty

[jessicakicksbut]

Turtle said:

 

Personally, I think it's weird that you don't want a reception. The only people I've heard of that don't want one are those that are financially strained and can't afford it.

 

 

Well, I didn't state why I am not too keen on having a reception, or granting my families wishes in my original post. To tell you the truth, in a way I am even scared of having a wedding, and feel I do not get the loving support of my family needed in order to go on with this. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but they have hurt me in the past and continue to hurt me. They are not very supportive of anything I do, critize and insult me, cause me emotional hurt, stab me in the back, ingore me when I am talking to them, etc.

 

It seems like everything I do in my life they have a negative comment for, when I hate to glorify myself, I have it MUCH more together than the other members of my family. I have a good job, got a 4 year college degree, never drank much alcohol (my family is full of alcoholics), refuse to ever insult them the way they insulted me, have an optomistic attitude which they are always trying to destroy and basically I haven't "messed up" my life yet. What I mean by messed up, I think the following qualifies as messed up: dropping out of high school, having to get a teen abortion, getting fired from multiple jobs, trying to collect "welfare" type assistance and "work" the system, trying to make quick money by "sueing" people, stealing, going to juvenile detention, etc.

 

Concerning the wedding, they are not being supportive and have not offered one ounce of help. For example, when I first talked about getting married, my parents did not show any interest. My father, for example, asked me "do I have to walk you down the aisle?" I asked my mother for help with planning, and she said she would "if she had the time". Mind you, she works only 4-6 hours a day, and in reality sits around and relaxes before and after work. One of my sister's (who is living vicariously through her child, I may add) pressured me right away to put her daughter in as flower girl, and started asking me if I can pick out a dress for her.

 

 

It didn't seem until after I mentioned having a "dry" wedding that they seemed interested, saying it would be an "embarassment" to them by having a dry wedding, and that alcohol was "necessary" at a wedding reception. I actually did consider the idea a bit, but the thing is there are members of my family that do not get along whatsoever, and I was afraid by having alcohol at the wedding, that there would be fights. Being that this is IMMEDIATE family we are talking about, and these people ARE the fighting type, I am really worried. Have any of you ever heard of "beer muscles"...that's one of the reasons I fear having alcohol.

 

I decided after them giving me a fuss about the wedding, to not even mention my wedding to them. I figured, since they never seem interested anyway and do not want to get "stuck" having to help me, they will probably not bring up the subject. So far, it has been weeks since I mentioned the wedding, and they have yet to even bring it up. Heck, if this keeps up, it may be a week or so before the wedding before they actually bring it up, and I can be like "opps, I forgot to plan a reception, guess we re not having one". Still, it is bothering me to no end. It seems like they have so many "opinions" about my wedding, but when it comes to actually giving me support and helping they are not there for me.

 

 

After stating all of the above, all I have to say is why should I even bother having a reception. I just want to go to the church with a few witnesses and get married, nothing else! At this point, since one of my close friends really seemed disappointed that I may not have a reception because she had a special cake design picked out for me (she makes cakes as a side job, and is the only person that has really offered help thus far), I feel like just having the most likely beautiful cake and coffee afterwards (we're marrying at 10 or 11 am in the morning anyway). I will not send out invitations and just use word of mouth so we don't seem too fasicious, and will be straightforward with people that we are not having a reception so they don't get there and become disappointed.

 

In conclusion, I am really hurting right now over my family and what they have done to me all these years. I know I have to invite them, but do I have to celebrate with them???

[Just A Girl2]

Jessica,

I'm really sorry that your family is being this way. I know it must be disheartening and very disappointing.

 

How does your fiance feel about how they're being? Does HE support you when you're feeling down about this? (I hope so).

 

I can TOTALLY understand your feelings about having an alcohol-free wedding. I understand your reasons and you have every right to have the one day you marry your true love, the way you want it to be. I remember my wedding, some 11 yrs ago.....there were drinkers on both sides of the family.....and I'm sure my then-husband's friends just thought the wedding was an excuse to get hammered. Actually, the night before the wedding, I'd asked my fiance to NOT go out with his friends (groomsmen, ushers) drinking..because I felt that a person should be totally sober and have a clear head when standing before God, family and friends and making a commitment such as married. Of course he didn't "get it" and didn't listen. I personally think it's wrong for anyone to be still under the effects of booze when they walk down the aisle, but that's just me.

 

If you're getting married in the morning, then coffee and cake afterwards is a perfect idea. There's nothing wrong with that. And remember, it's YOUR DAY...you do what you feel is right.

 

Too many people lose sight of the whole wedding anyway......they forget that it's only one day........and they get so caught up in the trivial, stupid, superficial things......that they forget that it's a day they are committing their lives to one another. That is what's MOST important, as you know. Too many people cater their wedding to suit everyone else...I know I got caught up in that..being the first daughter to get married.....there was a lot of pressure from both sides on how this should be done, how that should be done. When I ever get married again, it will be very simple and meaningful......with the sole focus on two lives being joined.....not throwing thousands of $$'s down the drain on invitations, the dress, decorations, bla bla bla.

 

Despite your family, take comfort in knowing that you're now starting your own family.......you and your hubby to be.....when your family gets you down and hurts like they do, lean on your fiance and try to put things into perspective. Easier said than done, I know.

 

I wish you and your fiance lots of love and happiness and blessings and years together of growing old.

 

Be proud of yourself for not caving in, like so many would do. Be proud that you are standing up for what you believe........many people wouldn't be able to.

 

Hugs

JAG2

[cmb]

As my MIL would repeatedly tell me, "it's YOUR day, do what you want" (as she went making decisions about our wedding w/out consulting us...). Seriously tho, it's true.

 

If you are not comfortable w/ a reception and w/ having alcohol served it's your perogative (boo to the person that said it was rude of her not to). Tony's idea is a good one, but again, if you're not comfortable w/ it, then there's nothing wrong w/ your decision.

 

I also did not want to have alcohol at my reception (but not for the same reasons as you). When I told my mom that she thought I was nuts--and she's a far more religious person than I am (well, I'm not religious at all). But, you know what? There was no alcohol (his aunt--I think it was--joked about spiking the punch, but she didn't).

 

So, as the saying goes, "let your conscience be your guide." Your day, your choices. It's not about everyone else. It's about you and your husband-to-be.

[Jamie31]

Don't let your family get you down about this. I just got married in May, and I know that planning a wedding is a very difficult task, especially when you have family throwing thier opinions in there when not even asked. What you have to remember is - this is YOUR day, it is the day that you will remember the rest of your life, and it is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Have it the way you want to, and the way your husband-to-be wants to. Don't worry about your family. They will get over it. Tell them to go home and get drunk after your wedding!!!

[clia]

I feel like just having the most likely beautiful cake and coffee afterwards (we're marrying at 10 or 11 am in the morning anyway).

 

Jessica, the most beautiful wedding I ever went to was a lot like this! They got married at around eleven, and then had a "reception" at a country club. (The room was gorgeous--right on a golf course with floor to ceiling windows on two sides. Luckily the sun was shining and the weather was gorgeous.)

 

There were maybe 75 guests. They served brunch. The music was a string quartet (they had a harp player when people were arriving), and the only alcohol they served was mimosa (champagne and orange juice) in champagne glasses. (And I think there was a champagne toast, but I can't remember.) Other than that it was soda, coffee, or iced tea. They had a cake and danced together (to the string quartet), but it was all very reserved and not a typical wedding. I absolutely loved it, and it really stuck out in my mind because it was so different from other weddings. Everything was over by two o'clock.

 

I don't blame you one bit for not having a reception--if people want to get together and get drunk they can go to the bar. Do what you want to do! You can still have a gorgeous reception without the DJ, drinking and debauchery. And if people don't want to come, they don't have to. I'd go, though!

[jessicakicksbut]

I never got a chance to reply and thank you all for giving me advice on this, especially JAG2, cmb, nurse jamie, and clia. I need all the support I can get at this time, and you four particularly have been very supportive and helpful! I have set out plans for the "cake and coffee" reception after the wedding, and I feel so good about it! Things have been so rough with my family lately, and having this type of wedding just takes so much stress off me (will explain in a different post). By the way JAG 2, you asked how my fiance feels about how my family is treating me, as well as if he is supportive. He feels really bad about how they are treating me, and he is always very comforting and supportive when I have to deal with the problems they cause me. I think deep down inside he gets a bit angry with them, but he will always remain civil and friendly to my family for my sake.