That Obscure Object of Desire

[Dominique]

Hello everyone...

 

New reader, first time poster. I have a familiar sounding situation but, no matter the frequency of these kinds of ordeals, I am absolutely perplexed about the one I find myself in "mentally", and far more than I think I can anymore handle.

 

You know the theme: Friends who cross the line into a sexual relationship. I was wondering if someone here might help me do a bit of mind reading.

 

I live and work on the West Coast and I am an assistant professor here, a well known university. I am a Ph D, 35, and not someone to go incautiously into relationships.

 

About ten years ago I met someone through friends. This man, about 14 years my senior, and I became instantly attracted to each but remained friends--and only friends--for about four years. I was just coming out of a broken engagement, and while he was not in a relationship, it was just the nature of things that we just simply remained friends. He later told me that he wanted to be "careful" knowing that I was hurt in this past relationship, and I thought that considerate. However, there was very strong attraction between us.

 

He is too a PH D, was a professor in Massachusettes where we met. I am from there, that is how we met. He came from a very complicated family relationship (abandoned by mother, early deaths of his twin brothers) and he was married for about one year. I did not get the feeling that he was ever in a long term relationship and he confessed to me once that time after time his relationships did not work out. I was very kind about all of this, gentle, and non judgemental.

 

I felt him to be, from the moment I met him, somewhat distant from life a bit; overly cautious, if not a bit cold. While I earned his trust right away there was always something slightly "off". Detached, if you will.

 

We saw each other on occasion--we both would travel alot (separately) on academic-professional related matters--but when we did it was very nice. The "life-long friends" type together.

 

Our friendship was excellent--high intellectual interests, same political outlook, same sense of humor, same cultural interests. We are both quite attractive (okay, if I may just say so here) and if we were coming down the street together people, friends, whomever, assumed we were a couple. But again--no lines were crossed at all for those four years. I really did need to adjust after my breakup and was just proceeding cautiously myself.

 

Prior to my taking the teaching position on the West Coast--this now four years after having met each other--the proverbial line was crossed. It was spontaneous at first, and happened on two occasions. It was very, very nice and I felt, well, quite close to him. I hinted at the idea of becoming serious--that I would even post pone or not take the academic job out here West (and these posts can appear anywhere anytime). He quickly pulled away at the thought, which of course was quite hurtful.

 

For just prior to my saying that he talked about what it would be like to have kids together; he said I was the intimacy he was missing, and someone of a "rare type" whom he didn't think he would meet. And yet...pulling away, he was almost clinical in his "polite" decline. When I left for the West Coast, things were not good between us, I more or less cut him out of my life.

 

So, once out here, I met and fell in love with some one very deeply. However that hit a very strong rough patch (which remains on-off today, though my feelings remain strong). (This new man has a "slight" drinking problem, and in putting my foot down, things became complicated).

 

After having moved I started getting emails from this first man, and I was polite but non committal. He even once was "in my neighborhood" on business but I did not meet up with him as he suggested doing. I was with the new guy, and sought to remain faithful 100% (as I am in my relationshp). Futhermore, my feeling for this first man was "gone".

 

But about nine months ago, I wrote to him suddenly and said that I was going to be in New York and "would swing by Massachusettes" (where I do have family), and in that email I expressed, rather bluntly, my still lingering desire for him. He responded very positively back, very interested himself. I did say that there "was someone" in my life, but when we did meet up, I said that this had more or less fallen off (as it then had). I will admit that I sent mixed signals (available, not available). He himself had ended a relationship about a year ago that just did not "take".

 

We went out a few times, had a wonderful time. And then about a week into my visit, we were, yes, intimate again. Afterwards it was wonderful, talking like two intelligent human beings in love, his being very affectionate, all the right mood and humor there, and...just a very nice time.

 

We had a fight--I must admit this--which was my fault. I found him hard to read one evening out--hot cold, interested disinterested, like someone with alot on my mind. One word too many and we had an altercation. However, apologies were later expressed, very sincere, very heartfelt, and with a big bear hug we made up.

 

That once past...Things were not going right in his life, he told me, on the personal and professional level. I comforted him telling him to stay the course and all, and tried to be an excellent "friend". Something in me, however, did pick up--again--on something in him being "off". Like a friend of mine who met him said, "He is quite inwardly detached".

 

Nonetheless, given that he opened so much up to me I felt like I had broken some barrier. I thought that I--well--penentrated his heart.

 

No, not at all. Once again, this time via a message once I returned to the West Coast, I told him my honest feelings, that I had wanted to take things further, that I felt that I loved him (yes yes I know I know, a bit much) but all honest feeling for me. He wrote to me (via email) and very swiftly and bluntly told me that he did not feel the same way. Boom. Just like that, but that he wanted to remain "friends". I found this all rather confusing.

 

I find it confusing to this day and I just cannot shake it. We have immense sexual desire for each other (and the sex, I have to admit, was great); and everything on the cultural, personal, intellectual level just fits on every level. No, I do not think I am "imaginging" this as I am cautious, as I say, in my relationships, yet this feeling is one that just kept proving itself over and over. And wonderful communciation with each other.

 

Can anyone suggest what his thinking is, in all of this? I would simply accept that he is not-so-into-me were it not for the fact that he certainly displayed himself to be and over the course of several years--even if much time passed in between seeing each other. But in what seems like our hitting all the right notes together...What would be the thinking of someone who can be personally and emotionally open, and then just sort of recoil and detach?

 

Many thanks in advance, and apologies for the length here.

 

Dominique

[carhill]

Cet obscur objet du désir

 

 

Great movie...

 

Hard to read this one. Likely a fundamental psychological issue. Attachment problems perhaps, stemming from childhood.

 

Also, very intellectual people often "think" relationships instead of "feeling" them. I get a sense of that from my own life and those I've interacted with who process thought at a high level....

 

I've learned that intellectual compatibility often isn't a deal-maker or breaker, if compatibility in temperament and perspective obtain. Your story underscores this, IMO.

 

People change. Perhaps someday this man will work out his issues and you'll "click". Perhaps not. Personally, I wouldn't wait around. You're a great catch

[Dominique]

Thank you, Carhill, for this.

 

You say some very interesting things here...About "fundamental psychological issues", for example, which I have suspected might be at the root of everything.

 

It is still all hard to deal with. "Worst" of all is when there is immense sexual attraction atop of it all...

 

Dominique

[carhill]

Yes, you can have mutual attraction and emotional compatibility, but, if a person has some psychological blocks in their path, the flow of the relationship is affected, as your story demonstrates.

 

My experience, as someone who had what I would term a "secure" childhood, I often see this. Fears and insecurities and self-image are first formed as a child and those emotional memories shape our intrinsic psyche. I had/have some fears/insecurities, mainly a result of being an "only" but I overcome them intellectually. It's a process. The hardest is the intrinsic feeling of "not mattering" to those with which I have relationships. I have to think through the wall and understand that the fear comes from within me, and is not demonstrated outside. I do matter to those who care about me and it's OK that I don't matter to others. Sounds simple and mundane? Yep, it is, but I use it as an example of what is simple for some is exceedingly complex and debilitating for others.

 

I'll bet the object of your desire fights similar battles, and the results come out within your relationship. I would project further, opining that your security feeds into some insecurity in him, causing him to recoil and distance himself. His attraction brings him back and the cycle repeats.

 

Armchair psychology at its best!

[wrghflyr]

After being in a similar situation, I agree with carhill. Events from one's childhood can have such detrimental impact on later relationships.

 

I also know how tough it is to stay involved even though you know you'll be in a difficult situation and potentially facing emotional pain. Personally, I think him resolving the underlying psychological issues is key to you guys having the relationship you want. Best of luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

First of all it's not your fault.

Carhill is right, the initial problem might stem from a psychological point of view. Your own intuition had given you the sense that he was " detached", which could mean that he's suffering from some of issue that has made him unwilling or unable to emotionally be involved with anything or anyone on a deeper level. Notice I did not say physically. There are certain ppl out there who are successful in life yet not successful in relationships because all their focus had been on the former, their ability to obtain the latter had been strained, or they lack no desire to go after it because they've never had much experience with it. So it's really quite understandable why you feel like he's sending out mixed signals. His intentions on more an experimental aspect, rather than persuing that he would "emotionally" desire in the long term.

[Dominique]

Gentlemen,

 

Thank you very much for your responses. They are quite thoughtful and have given me much-needed perspective. I appreciate very much your taking the time to answer, and hope that I may be able to reciprocate in kind.

 

Dominique