gizzyboy Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I need help please, from anyone.......we've been married 15 years, we have 3 kids. A few weeks ago my wife and kids stayed the night at her friends house. The next day I asked a few questions, what did they do, who was there, who slept where. My 8 year old son informed me that he and his 2 sisters slept in the same room together, and so did my wifes friend. I asked, "Really, mom too right?" He said, "No she slept out in the living room on the couch." I said, "All by herself?" And he said, "No, Terry slept out there too." Terry is my wifes friends brother. I confronted my wife who realized she was caught and admitted to having sex with Terry. Wow......I'm crushed. She says she was drunk and made a mistake. I love her alot and do not want to split up, even though it kills me to think of what all went on that night with my kids in the next room. Heres what I need help with.......although I realize that if I can forgive her or not is my own choice and something that only I can answer, I just want to know what other people think about the "I was drunk" excuse. I cry like a little wimp everyday since it happened because basically I'm a big baby who can't control his emotions, and I picture in my head the romp session out on the couch that lasted for who knows how long. She claims she remembers nothing therefore can't give me any details, only that she remembers she was on top through part of it then on bottom throughout another part, she says shes sorry and would never do it again, that she feels terrible and ashamed. Terry lives far from us and I'm very sure she hasn't spoke to him since.....I love her so much, but it just seems like a cop out when she says she was drunk and thats why it happened....I do know she was drunk, I spoke with her around 10pm that night and she was obviously intoxicated. I told her that I can remember years ago when I was with this chick who was extremely drunk, on a couch, all alone together, and I just thought for sure I was gonna score, but when I tried, she would let me kiss her but absolutely refused to let her clothes come off. I know my wife wasn't as drunk as that girl was, why didn't SHE refuse to do it I asked.....not only did she not refuse, she was a completely willing participant, maybe even instigated it all. I feel she knew damn well what she was doing and am having a hard time forgiving her....any comments would be appreciated, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 First of all I want to tell you that I feel a lot of sympathy for you and what you are going through. Don`t feel like a big wimp because you feel emotional and cry about this. You`ve had somethingh very valuable ripped away from you, trust and faith in the depth of your woman`s love for you and now that`s gone and it hurts big time. Few things hurt as much. Your wife says she was drunk and that`s why she had sex that night. Well she may have been drunk but there are other reasons why she `decided`to have sex that night. The opportunity presented itself under the right circumstances but I believe she probably has had a feeling that she`d like an affair for some trime before. You say you are married 15 years. Statistics show that married womwen often have affairs in the 35-38 year age group. There are lots of reasons for that, marriage is getting stale, old age is looming in the not to distant future, youth is fading,etc. Can you forgive and forget? You`ll never forget, and it will probably take you about ten years to completely trust her again (as long as she acts properly to earn back your trust. The bottom line is: Will your life, and your kid`s lives, be better witrh her or without her. Chances are you`ll say "with her`" So it`s a harsh line, but life is rough. Get on with it, do the best you can for you and your kids and give your wife a second chance. One chance. Also, get yourselves to a good marriage counsellor and work out some of the things that have led your wife to this affair. You may be part of the problem. That`s not to blame you but you may have things to learn. If she cheats again or even acts like she`s having fun flirting...dump her fast and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 Regardless if she slept with the guy intensionally or not, I would wonder why her friend was sleeping with your children in the same room and not their mother, that just seems ass backwards. I can't tell you whether to believe her or not, just that alcohol certainly does warp immediate thinking and one can be easily be caught up in the moment. I'm not making excuses for her, just pointing out that I'm sure alcohol played a part and took over your wife's judgement, especially since your kids were just in the next room. I do wonder why she so easily told you what happened and am really amazed she went into such detail about the act itself. Were there problems to begin with before she went on her visit to her friend's house? Does she drink at home more than a usual one or two drinks with dinner? Maybe she's got a lot of pent up problems that you aren't even aware of or issues with your marriage that she hasn't voiced. Fifteen years of marriage and three children later is a lot of history that shouldn't be disregarded. If she truly loves you and you love her, you owe it to yourselves to get some counseling and perhaps she should look into AA before something like that happens again, not to mention that now I'd be worried about STD also. I can't really tell you whether to believe her or not, all you can do is try to salvage the marriage together if you feel she has made a one-time only mistake and she is willing to repair the damage she's done to prove that she is committed to you and only you. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 [color=indigo] Let's be realistic here... Yes, drinking does impair the mind, but I don't believe it does to the point where you have no control what-so-ever. I am sure we have all been in similar situations where we have been drunk and put in certain positions where we had to make a decision. Sure, we do silly things but drinking also opens up our inhibitions. We all of a sudden get the balls to do things we normally wouldn't do sober. This is a wake up call to you that there is something wrong with your marriage. Not all couples who get drunk without their partner with them there have sex with another person. That just isn't what happens. If we are 100% happy with our current situations, we know (drunk or not) right from wrong and we don't do things to hurt the people we love. You and your wife need to get to the bottom of her infidelity and I think talking to a counselor would benefit the both of you greatly. I am sorry this kind of betrayal had to happen to you. If you want to look positively at it, now you know that something is not right and can take the right steps to change it. Like someone else said, after you get help and she still shows signs of infidelity, pull the plug. Best of luck to you. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 3, 2003 Share Posted July 3, 2003 I think all of the above replies are dead on. It's tough that you have the 3 kids, I think in this case you really need to consider them, and how thier lives will be effected. But I've been bombed before and resisted someone else's advances....don't let her use that as an excuse. I don't what to tell you bro, part of me would just want to be done with her and move on. You'll have to look into your heart and see what is best for you and the children now. I certainly wouldn't worry about her feelings in the least. Oh yeah - I would cry like a baby if that ever happened to me, don't be afraid of showing emotions, be afraid of covering them up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gizzyboy Posted July 3, 2003 Author Share Posted July 3, 2003 Thanks alot to all who replied, I appreciate it alot. Her friend sleeping with the kids instead of their mother sleeping with them was something that probably happened after the friend noticed her brother and my wife floppin around on the floor together, friend just left the room and let it go on even though she was supposedly my good friend too.....obviously not.....as far as my wife giving me so much details, she actually hasn't at all, I only got what little info I could after repeated inquiries, she was reluctant to tell me anything. I definitely feel that she should have been able to not do it, drunk or not, she did it because she wanted to, partly because thats just the type of woman she is and also for the reason that yes, there are other issues in our marriage that are not good ones.....still, no reason to strip em off and grab the ankles which is what she did....thanks agaain to all, I appreciate the time and consideration you gave me...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gizzyboy Posted July 6, 2003 Author Share Posted July 6, 2003 Yeah, I guess I should take off, she'll do it again for sure. She's more concerned about her image than anything else. She doesn't want me to tell anyone, the way I look at it is she should have thought about that before committing adultery. She's barely agreeing to marriage counceling, too embarrassed for being such a sl_t. She did say that I should go to counciling myself though. And it's definitely been enough time for me to get over it, in her opinion. I guess I just blew it on my wedding day and married a f__king wh_re. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 You didn't blow if bro, SHE DID! Don't blame yourself, she's the person at fault here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gizzyboy Posted July 8, 2003 Author Share Posted July 8, 2003 thanks wideawake, I know, she is the one at fault here but she tries to turn it around on me from time to time Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 Don't listen to any of her BS bro..... There's NO WAY she should turn this around on you...some people are just better at arguing than others...it sounds like she's REALLY good.... Just the fact that she's isn't begging you to forgive her and she's trying to turn this around is unreal... Hang tough man, and don't let her push you around. Link to post Share on other sites
ator Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 Hey best of luck on a tough situation. Don't forget that you have a right to be mad if you want to be. She is the one who screwed things up. And, the fact that she isn't too apologetic about it should piss you off - it would me. I don't think things like that happen out of nowhere. She's probably been thinking about it for a long time, being drunk just becomes an excuse to let go. I would wonder if this has happened before? It's tough because you can't believe someone who has broken the trust. Even if she denies it, can you ever really believe her? If you let your wife go, remember to ditch the friend, too. Why didn't they let you know something was up or not try and intervene? BS if you ask me. It's a lot to think on, though, especially with children. I wish you well, and remember not to compromise your own integrity to save a sinking ship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gizzyboy Posted July 8, 2003 Author Share Posted July 8, 2003 ator, thanks alot.........I actually have been trying to put the anger aside as best as I can, at least until she tries to pull the turning it around business, like for instance, a neighbor that I talked to about some marriage counciling resources said hi to us yesterday and after she went into her house my wifes like..."Great, now she won't be talking to me anymore"...and I'm like, "Well, I guess you shouldn't have sucked d*ck, huh, then you wouldn't have to worry about it." So, I do stand up for myself, sounds funny I know, as if I share any of the fault in this matter, I know I'm half responsible for any marital problems we have but I'm 0 ........I mean ZERO responsible for her making the conscious decision to suck D*CK....... thanks for your input ator Link to post Share on other sites
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