Fighting my anti-social urges?

[Nowhere2Turn]

I just don't have a social personality, straight out. But I crave relationships, even just friends.

 

But the hardest thing for me to do is to appear into people. Say I'm in a small group and everyone starts making small talk (Think of a scene on one of those reality shows, like the first day) it feels SO unnatural for me to ask questions and appear genuine.

 

So in those type of situations I immediately sense this non-verbal sign that people sense I'm this kind of person and it kills me.

 

I'm fine in one on one relationships but it's hard because I tend to be attracted to social people who don't like having such a limited social life..

[SeraBella]

What do you mean when you say you're fine in one on one relationships? Do you mean any relationship (including friendships, etc.) or do you mean gf/bf relationship?

 

How have you gotten into those one on one relationships before? Just a matter of right time, right place?

 

Perhaps you just need to get used to socializing a little more. Most things feel unnatural until you get used to them. Do you try to make conversation in these situations? Why not try to find people with similar interests? Then it's not having to "appear genuine" but you'll actually BE genuine.

[carhill]

But the hardest thing for me to do is to appear into people. Say I'm in a small group and everyone starts making small talk (Think of a scene on one of those reality shows, like the first day) it feels SO unnatural for me to ask questions and appear genuine.

 

Why?

 

Myself, I'm generally shy and I break the ice by being interested in others, mainly because I find disparate experience and perspective to be fascinating.

 

Note that, here on LS, I've never started a thread. Interesting, huh?

 

By asking one question, you may open a door to a completely new experience. Try it.

[Nowhere2Turn]

I guess it depends.. but for example these people I know right now, I feel like they have 'seen more of the world' and so if I ask a question, it feels like I won't be able to continue anyway even if they do answer, so that's why I just don't ask.

 

But if I was still younger like if I was 18 or whatever I'd ask away, I wouldn't care if I was seen as naive or whatever. But I'm so old and so it's like I don't have an excuse anymore, I'm supposed to know these things, but I just don't. I feel like I been in a cave for the last 10 years.

[Green]

so I'm guessing your around 30 or somthing? Look don't pick everything apart so much, read a motivational book, go to church or something... You need some self confidence

[Nowhere2Turn]

so I'm guessing your around 30 or somthing? Look don't pick everything apart so much, read a motivational book, go to church or something... You need some self confidence

 

Self-confidence.. you said the magic word. For me self-confidence isn't a thing you have or don't have, it's a reaction to what you've been doing or have going for you. That's my problem, so I'm trying to DO SOMETHING and that's exactly what I'm doing, going to classes, meeting people, trying to socialize and make new friends and get back out there.

 

But I'm fighting two things: 1. My anti-social tendencies (personality) and 2. Having nothing really going for me to base the self esteem off.

 

These people I know never had a long period of non-living so it's hard for me to feel safe with them, especially since I don't have this obvious outward appearance of someone who's been locked away for 10 years. (Not literally, never in jail) but locked in my own mind..

[Green]

your first step is to change this attitude and just tell yourself your going to be confident. Don't worry so much what people think of you, if you tried being respectful and friendly and that wasn't polished enough for them just learn from the experience and try again. Don't put the judgement of your self worth in other people. Get some advice about this from a person you respect in real life. Advice on message board can only vaguely shine a light in the vicinity of the right direction

[Nowhere2Turn]

Yeah but this attitude doesn't come out when I'm with them, I seem easy going and pretty confident. But who knows, maybe it is subconciously showing and I don't realize it. That could be what's happening..

 

Yeah I don't really got anybody in my life to talk about things like this, only you guys. Puts all the pressure on you, doesn't it? heh, just playin. I take these things with a grain of salt. Unfortunately the grains of salt somehow turns into law since what I read on boards pretty much fills my Fri-Sun. Sad huh..

[Green]

What state are you in, and if its a big school you might as well say the name. I also want you to know I doubt any one feels pressure throwing there 2 cents in when it comes to helping you with your situation. Just be more confident, or atleast go through the motions of what a confident person would do. Stop thinking about everything and do something, say something

[D-Lish]

Asking questions does not make you appear naive or inexperienced- trust me. You'll come off sounding interested in them.... and generally people like to talk about themselves. People will naturally gravitate towards you if they think you are interested in what they have to say.

 

I am 38, and I don't know everything there is to know and I never will. If someone talks about something I am not familiar with- I'll simply say..."wow, sounds interesting, tell me more". "I've never been to Rome... what was it like".... You get the picture.

 

Asking questions is more confident than remaining silent.

Smart and confident people ask questions precisely because they are smart and confident.

[Nowhere2Turn]

I'm in LA and right now just going to bunch of jc's. I grad from cal state LA few years ago, that's not really a 'big' school. But I'm close to ucla and sc but I tend to not really socialize with them, most of my friends were more like the LA losers.. the kids you saw hanging out in the taco bell parking lot.

 

I'll kinda admit somethin too. Growin up all my friends were asian/hispanic/other, but now I live and work on the westside, so I'm in a totally new environment, lot of trendy white educated upper/middle class. I meet a lot of really cool people now but I feel like my social life isn't up to par and it's like after a while, it becomes apparent I'm somewhat 'below' them, not in terms of status or power, but in terms of sociablility, or even something as stupid as me not really having any friends.

 

If you say, well, you met them, so aren't they you're friends? Yeah, but when you meet new people, they assume you have other friends too. They aren't expecting to be your only sole friend.. especially if you're kinda 'different'.. different race, age group, come from diff area within LA, etc.. I know that's y it's about confidence, not giving a f***, but shoot I do. I can't help it. I'm too emotional and sensitive and unfortantely I come from a family of engineers and women so I overanalyze, think, and feel--it's my nature.

[Nowhere2Turn]

Asking questions does not make you appear naive or inexperienced- trust me. You'll come off sounding interested in them.... and generally people like to talk about themselves. People will naturally gravitate towards you if they think you are interested in what they have to say.

 

I am 38, and I don't know everything there is to know and I never will. If someone talks about something I am not familiar with- I'll simply say..."wow, sounds interesting, tell me more". "I've never been to Rome... what was it like".... You get the picture.

 

Asking questions is more confident than remaining silent.

Smart and confident people ask questions precisely because they are smart and confident.

 

Well I know I'm smart, luckily ;P Confident, that's another thing

[Nowhere2Turn]

P.S.: I probably have a bit of social anxiety too, never diagnosed, but I've taken xanax, but now feel I don't need it. Use that more for public speaking, or really nervous job interviews.

[Green]

ur making excuses. Just do the things like doing, like these class's you take, and be friendly and talk to people even if your scared, and stop apologizing for not having friends, and not having experiences. I personaly like people like you if there willing to do stuff for me. Find your kmt

[SeraBella]

Don't worry about it so much, really.

 

Most people LOVE to talk about themselves, so you asking questions just gives them more reason to talk. They won't think you've been in a cave, they'll just think you had different experiences than they did. And you can explain that to them, too, since it sounds like you grew up with different cultures than they may have.

 

How many friends are you really looking to make? Are you looking for GOOD friends, or a large group to socialize with?

 

Find someone you have common interests with from work or school and invite them to an activity. Tell them they can bring friends. Do lunch or dinner before or after the activity. Eating a meal almost always brings about great conversations. As you're talking with them something is bound to come up either about an event, or something that they enjoy doing and express interest in that. You're bound to get an invite, or exchange phone numbers. It will blossom from that.

[Nowhere2Turn]

Yeah, I dunno I just trip out sometimes. My mood/or personalities varies so much.

 

I know the diff. b/w guys like KMT and people like ones who actually want to hear about you. Yeah KMT you're like my friends I used to have but I'm talking about, I dunno, the older, 'professional' crowd or whatever. I guess I just want to have stories involving my friends so I can NOT have conversations with them yet they know I got a life..

[D-Lish]

So, you're a smarty pants.... but just a little on the shy side.

The strong, silent type.

 

The bottom line is that all these constructions are of your own making. People wouldn't even associate with you if they didn't like your company. That's the bottom line.

 

You just have to find your voice.

[Nowhere2Turn]

So, you're a smarty pants.... but just a little on the shy side.

The strong, silent type.

 

The bottom line is that all these constructions are of your own making. People wouldn't even associate with you if they didn't like your company. That's the bottom line.

 

You just have to find your voice.

 

Strong silent types don't have voices, cause we're umm, silent.

 

Just playin d-lish, was trying to continue on with being a smarty pants

 

Thanks well bottom line is I just need to be happy then I can be confident and assertive but right now, I'm not, that's something I'm trying to fix.. but relying too much of hopes of finding true love .

[vintagecat]

It sounds like you are talking about the classic "outsider" syndrome because of different background or socio-economic caste or even values system that you may have or were raised with.

 

It's the one thing that they don't tell you about bettering yourself and moving out of the hood or off of the farm and into a new world that you might have a hard time finding your "people". You really can't go back home because even though you love them, you have nothing in common anymore with your old childhood friends and yet you don't quite fit in with the Ivy Leaguers, Big 10 school folks or trust funders that vacation in Europe (or other differences such as the married with children crowd if you are not in that cycle of life) on the job.

 

FWIW, I get it. Compound that with an introverted leaning personality and making friends is a real problem. I understand the one on one thing too. You find one person that might be from your "herd" and it works. I have that with my husband. We are from similar working class backgrounds that bootstrapped ourselves into better economic circumstances by being smart, driven and by taking risks. What we didn't meet in our journey off of the farm and from the hood is our herd, just each other. We did meet other outsiders but they were in different life cycles, having kids, just out of school, etc. and it just didn't click.

 

Best of luck to you. Absolutely the best movie IMO ever made about this situation was a 80/90s film called Phenomenon with John Travolta. Love him or hate him the film tells of an insider with many friends through an extraordinary event/accident becomes an outsider and I found that it expressed perfectly the problem of differences and the outsider. Regardless of the "celebrating differences" PR bandwagon, in fact most people are only truly comfortable making friends with people that are much like themselves with similar ranking in looks, intelligence, income, backgrounds and values.

 

Cat

[Arch]

Why do you want friends so badly? people are overrated.