how can i not be jealous about my girlfriends past partners?

[willh88]

hi guys

 

i have been with my gf for almost 5 years on and off, we first slept together when we were 15, she was my first time, but i wasnt hers. we have now been officially together for almost 2 years- we are both almost 20.

 

in between times when we have been 'together' she had a serious bf for almost a year- she considers him to be her first love, and she views our relationship as having begun this time when we got together, whereas i would consider us as having been on and off since we were 15.

 

we have grown up experimenting with sex together, things such as 3somes involving mutual friends. she has been my only regular sexual partner whereas she has slept with 5 of my friends (whilst we were not together of course), 3 of them on a regular basis. she has told me since we have been together that this was partly due to low self esteem.

i must mention here that i have slept with 2 of her friends, but only once each, and definately with no feelings involved, as opposed to her regular sleeping with 3 of my friends.

 

we now have, or had, a really strong relationship, but the more i try to open up to her and truly love her the more i get angry and jealous about the fact that she has been with my friends, and i have to distance myself emotionally to cope. i'm also becoming paranoid about her cheating on me, which has not been a problem before.

 

i feel as if for her i am just one of the gang of boys she used to go around who turned out to like her and want to be bf/gf, and that it could have been any one of us.

 

to me she feels tainted or tarnished or something, and whilst i knew about her sexual past when we got together this time, we're beyond just seeing each other. now that it's turning into a really serious relationship i just feel like i cant deal with it being with someone who all my friends can turn round to me and say, 'yeh she was amazing in bed mate.' i just want to feel like i am really the only one for her like she is for me, and she assures me i am but i just feel so replaceable.

 

i know that logically it shouldn't matter because we do love each other but the more intense our relationship gets the more i get obsessively depressed and jealous. it does sound like a self esteem issue i know but i feel like its more than that, its as if i don't truly want her because she will never really be mine, if that makes sense.

 

i know im only young but this just feels like the end of the world right now!

 

thanks for any advice anyone may have. will xx

[tanbark813]

Would you feel more towards her if you hadn't slept with 2 of her friends?

[willh88]

Would you feel more towards her if you hadn't slept with 2 of her friends?

i know it sounds callous but i dont think so, purely because those experiences meant so little at the time. that sounds so awful to me now because i now know the effect that the fact that i slept with those two girls may have on someone else, but in terms of those experiences affecting me, i don't think they really made a difference in how i regard my gf. if anything they just make the situation less clear cut, because if i hadnt slept with anyone other than her it would be a more obvious kind of jealousy. but i felt i had to say that i had actually slept with her 2 friends for the sake of context and fairness. i hope that answers what you were getting at?

[tanbark813]

i hope that answers what you were getting at?

 

It does. So if your sleeping with her two friends doesn't affect how you feel towards her, why do you think her sleeping with your friends would affect how she feels toward you?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

it doesn't matter if you only 'did it one time each with two of her friends'. you still did the same thing she did; she slept with your friends, you slept with hers.

 

what's the problem?

 

you said your actions meant nothing. she says her actions were because of low self-esteem, so basically, her actions meant nothing as well.

 

you're just being a hypocrite. you both did the same thing; amount of times doesn't matter, even if she slept your friends one time, you would still feel the same way. so either get over it and realize your behavior is no better than hers, or let her go find someone who won't act like she committed some sin when he's done the same thing.

[witabix]

It does. So if your sleeping with her two friends doesn't affect how you feel towards her, why do you think her sleeping with your friends would affect how she feels toward you?

 

Tanbark cools it out one more time, dude, this is sooo to the point you had better listen.

 

Peace.

[willh88]

It does. So if your sleeping with her two friends doesn't affect how you feel towards her, why do you think her sleeping with your friends would affect how she feels toward you?

 

thats a fair point, and i think at heart i know that she does love me. but why does it bother me so much that she has slept with my friends? i know iv done the same and she says that she is fine with it now, but it winds me up so much to think about her with them. is it just about quantity, or coz ther are double standards for girls and guys? i dont know why this bothers me so much. maybe because she was actually emotionaly involved with them in the same way she was with me at the time, whereas i wasnt emotionally involved at all with her friends which is why i find it so much more of a problem to get past this than she did?

[sally4sara]

thats a fair point, and i think at heart i know that she does love me. but why does it bother me so much that she has slept with my friends? i know iv done the same and she says that she is fine with it now, but it winds me up so much to think about her with them. is it just about quantity, or coz ther are double standards for girls and guys? i dont know why this bothers me so much. maybe because she was actually emotionaly involved with them in the same way she was with me at the time, whereas i wasnt emotionally involved at all with her friends which is why i find it so much more of a problem to get past this than she did?

 

It is a territory thing. We all feel it to some point. Its up to you whether or not you will let your "alligator brain" end a relationship for you.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Your jealousy is your problem not your gf.

 

You need to work out whatever causes you to be jealous.... what are you insecure about? Once you get over that, your jealousy will be less hurtful to you and you will have a better relationship with gf or anyone else.

[willh88]

Your jealousy is your problem not your gf.

 

You need to work out whatever causes you to be jealous.

 

thanks, i already feel loads better for just having got it off my chest cos its been building up for ages. obviously it wont like go away overnite tho. but i guess most girls will have slept with sum1 befor a current relationship- it just feels worse- like more vivid cos its my friends ya know. i just really regret a whole bunch of stuff.

[Grrlish]

to me she feels tainted or tarnished or something, and whilst i knew about her sexual past when we got together this time, we're beyond just seeing each other. now that it's turning into a really serious relationship i just feel like i cant deal with it being with someone who all my friends can turn round to me and say, 'yeh she was amazing in bed mate.' i just want to feel like i am really the only one for her like she is for me, and she assures me i am but i just feel so replaceable.

 

 

Well, let's see, why don't you tell her that you see her as tainted and tarnished and see if she still wants to be with you?

 

More importantly, I find it hard to believe that you have much respect for this gal, the way that you're writing about her.

 

So, why would you want to be with her? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that I don't absolutely respect. Period.

 

Sidebar: Sounds like neither of you have much sexual morality or used any descretion in your sexual pursuits, so you have a lot of nerve passing judgement on her.

 

Sheesh.

 

Move on. Clean up your sex life. Quit sleeping around. Find a new partner.

 

Good luck.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Wow, some harsh words here.

 

Obviously you have some insecurities and that's your issue that you need to address, not your girlfriend's. Just "sucking it up" or "ignoring it" won't work - your insecurity will come out in another, possibly more destructive form.

 

You need to determine the root of your insecurity and address that. Therapy would help, especially if there's something in your upbringing or past that has caused this insecurity and I'd be willing to bet there is. If you don't address the root of the problem, you'll destroy the relationship and eventually push her away.

 

Good luck.

[AAlike]

Well, let's see, why don't you tell her that you see her as tainted and tarnished and see if she still wants to be with you?

 

this is a very good point. the girl certainly doesn't deserve to be judged for doing the exact same things that he's done, I agree with that. and if you act judgemental about it she has every right to leave you in the dust. I'm not saying that you can't talk to her about it, but if you do, do it with the understanding that this is YOUR issue and you just need help with it.

 

More importantly, I find it hard to believe that you have much respect for this gal, the way that you're writing about her.

 

eh, while I can see where you'd say that, I don't think that it's necessarily the case. I think that it's the fact that he DOES respect her that's making this a problem. if he didn't respect her it probably wouldn't matter to him. this is a very common "guy" issue, especially with younger males, and although I can completely understand why women get impatient with it because of its innate unfairness, I really don't think that it's intentional on his part.

 

Sidebar: Sounds like neither of you have much sexual morality or used any descretion in your sexual pursuits, so you have a lot of nerve passing judgement on her.

 

Uncalled for. Sounds to me like both of them were experimenting and being young. I'm not condoning this necessarily but come on.

 

Move on. Clean up your sex life. Quit sleeping around. Find a new partner.

 

Good luck.

 

While I agree that these newfound emotions should illustrate to both of them that sex should probably start taking on some more meaning, I don't see why they can't just use this new understanding to move on and distinguish the lovemaking from the frivolous sex going forward.

[AAlike]

Wow, some harsh words here.

 

Obviously you have some insecurities and that's your issue that you need to address, not your girlfriend's. Just "sucking it up" or "ignoring it" won't work - your insecurity will come out in another, possibly more destructive form.

 

You need to determine the root of your insecurity and address that. Therapy would help, especially if there's something in your upbringing or past that has caused this insecurity and I'd be willing to bet there is. If you don't address the root of the problem, you'll destroy the relationship and eventually push her away.

 

Good luck.

 

whoa, a little severe don't you think?? This is a 19-year old kid falling in love for the first time and having a very common issue that I'm sure is compounded since it involves people that he's in close contact with - I don't know that we need to send him to the therapist quite yet!!

 

I mean, he's dealing with the most difficult and unpredictable of emotions at an age that I knew I wouldn't have been able to deal with it at all, of course he's somewhat insecure.

 

OP, you need to realize that the recreational or experimental sex that you and her have had with each other's acquaintances exists in a totally different world than where you are now with her. If she's telling you that she slept with the other dudes because of "low self esteem" (which she may be telling you just to make you feel better) then she clearly wasn't feeling for them what she feels for you. Despite guys being the default pursuers of casual sex, it seems that on average we have a much more difficult time distinguishing it from emotional sex than women do. Realize that you're finally able to appreciate a woman in a more complete sense than you were before and enjoy it. Think about your exploits with her friends and how insignificant they are to you (or at least should be), and realize that she probably feels the same way about your friends. That whole "she was awesome in bed mate" is only in your head, and if your friends are legitimately saying that to you, then they're not your friends anyway. It's strange because when it comes to things like this people are actually much worse at getting over the pasts of others than they are their own. just think about your own and how it doesn't matter to you, and reflect that onto her.

[StevieJ]

people are actually much worse at getting over the pasts of others than they are their own.

 

 

Never a truer word spoken! Hit the nail right on the head there;)

[Crestfallen_KH]

AAlike, I don't think I was severe at all. I merely suggested therapy as an option that might help the guy get the root of his insecurities. Simply suggesting that someone might benefit from therapy is in no way and indictment of that person in any way, shape or form.

[AAlike]

AAlike, I don't think I was severe at all. I merely suggested therapy as an option that might help the guy get the root of his insecurities. Simply suggesting that someone might benefit from therapy is in no way and indictment of that person in any way, shape or form.

 

ok fair enough. I guess what I am thinking here is that the root of his insecurity might just be a by product of falling in love for the first time - and obviously since this is a girl that he's been sleeping with in the past and sexually experimented with, it's probably compounded a little since he's ALSO engaged in recreational sex with her.

 

I think if he gives it time it should be OK - if it's ultimately the person that you should be with, in a few years that stuff won't matter at all.

[willh88]

thanks everyone for all the advice, its been really helpful in terms of aiding me to work thru the issue. iv also spoken to my gf about it and some of the different things people have said, so she understands better now that its not that i dont love her or anythin, just that theres some stuff thats been really upsetting me that i need to get past somehow. its difficult from her point of view because she feels like theres nothing she can really do to make things better, its just something that i have to kind of, sort out for myself realy.

its such an odd feeling because logically there is no issue, and yet i still feel this powerful awful jealousy which is ruining our relationship. its a bit scary because i cant just reason it away and so it makes me feel like its sorta out of my control in a way, like one day a switch might flick in my head and it wont be there, but at the same time it could just never go away either.

anyway thanks everyone for the help. this was my first post and it was really useful to be able to talk to people this way and get such a range of advice, on something which i know for you guys is just another post, but for me is a really important part of my life so i appreciate ur time.

 

sorry to suck up so much lol but i mean it!

[AAlike]

thanks everyone for all the advice, its been really helpful in terms of aiding me to work thru the issue. iv also spoken to my gf about it and some of the different things people have said, so she understands better now that its not that i dont love her or anythin, just that theres some stuff thats been really upsetting me that i need to get past somehow. its difficult from her point of view because she feels like theres nothing she can really do to make things better, its just something that i have to kind of, sort out for myself realy.

 

Good to hear that you're able to discuss it with her while keeping your emotions somewhat in check - that's tough to do.

 

I've had this same problem in the past (although the specifics were different), and yeah, that's the most frustrating thing for both parties is that you look to her to provide some answer that will make it all go away but she can't do it...and she knows that you're probably beating yourself up and obsessing over something that she finds to be completely trivial and insignificant, and possibly even letting that something shape your perception of her character as a whole. it's crazy but very real. I kept talking to her about it, thinking that she could say one thing that would magically put me at peace with everything, but it never happened - although the first time or two that we talked did help me put things in perspective, after that it just made things worse, and it almost got to the point were she felt she had to defend actions that she never felt bad about before and ideally shouldn't feel bad about.

 

its such an odd feeling because logically there is no issue, and yet i still feel this powerful awful jealousy which is ruining our relationship. its a bit scary because i cant just reason it away and so it makes me feel like its sorta out of my control in a way, like one day a switch might flick in my head and it wont be there, but at the same time it could just never go away either.

 

exactly! it was doubly frustrating to me because I'm usually a person that is very in control of my emotions - i'm generally the "rock" and advice giver amongst my friends...in fact it's usually a running joke amongst my friends how impossible it is to rattle me. So this was a COMPLETELY unprecedented feeling for me - it seemed like it should be so simple to just say to myself "hey, don't think about it", but yet I couldn't do it - it made me feel totally helpless - I mean I've had a pretty eventful life that is full of ups and downs and NOTHING has ever affected me like this did. and it makes you feel so stupid because you KNOW that you're being an ass - I've always been able to appeal to my brain even in the most dire of situations...except for this one. I had also never been in love before.

 

and that's really the crux of it - love is inherently irrational and driven completely by emotion, so there's no real way to prepare yourself in order to harness it. This irrationality causes people to lash out in odd ways - and obsessing over the past is a very common one, particularly for men (it does happen with women too but usually in other ways). Now that sex is presumably taking on a more special meaning for you and her, it's hard to imagine that she's had sex with others without that feeling. Unfortunately, no "switch" will flip that will just get you past it, and it may never be totally gone - the best remedy is to, as Tanbark suggested, think about your own past and how it has no bearing on your feelings for her, and realize that it's probably the same for her. If the sex was just "experimentation" as you call it, then you need to think of it as just that and realize that this experimentation led you both to where you are. As your relationship continues and flourishes, and you get more conmfortable in your feelings for one another, and those incidents fall more and more in the past that feeling will bother you less and less and you'll begin to distance yourself from her past just as she already has.

[witabix]

.......................................................like one day a switch might flick in my head and it wont be there....................

 

Trust me that day WILL happen, and you will be happy and sad at the same time.....................

[AAlike]

Trust me that day WILL happen, and you will be happy and sad at the same time.....................

 

interesting - care to elaborate?

 

Brian

[witabix]

interesting - care to elaborate?

 

Brian

 

 

If you wish.

 

I used to be a little jealous, and sometimes a lot jealous. It really could be a big deal in my head. It caused me a lot of pain, (For that you can read "I caused me a lot of pain").

 

It's gone now because of a few things that have happened in the past year or so. Now if I see something, or hear something, I no longer "sense" anything (that was always horsefeathers anyway, just a way to make yourself to feel bad), anyway, there is now no reaction at all. Nothing.

 

It seems to me that all relationships are transient, although I do not for one moment suggest they are not important, they are. It just seems to me now that why should I care. What is the point of the jealous urge?

 

Protection of a domain? Or partner? Not for me, well not now anyhow.

 

I am still protective of my partner, but not demanding her attention, I am no longer saying to myself ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME............

 

Thats cool, but also sad, in that it feels like you have lost a friend. Not a good friend, or even someone you liked, but someone you have known a long time, a part of your life.

 

I wonder if anyone understands or sees it similarly?

[Phateless]

hi guys

 

i have been with my gf for almost 5 years on and off, we first slept together when we were 15, she was my first time, but i wasnt hers. we have now been officially together for almost 2 years- we are both almost 20.

 

in between times when we have been 'together' she had a serious bf for almost a year- she considers him to be her first love, and she views our relationship as having begun this time when we got together, whereas i would consider us as having been on and off since we were 15.

 

we have grown up experimenting with sex together, things such as 3somes involving mutual friends. she has been my only regular sexual partner whereas she has slept with 5 of my friends (whilst we were not together of course), 3 of them on a regular basis. she has told me since we have been together that this was partly due to low self esteem.

i must mention here that i have slept with 2 of her friends, but only once each, and definately with no feelings involved, as opposed to her regular sleeping with 3 of my friends.

 

we now have, or had, a really strong relationship, but the more i try to open up to her and truly love her the more i get angry and jealous about the fact that she has been with my friends, and i have to distance myself emotionally to cope. i'm also becoming paranoid about her cheating on me, which has not been a problem before.

 

i feel as if for her i am just one of the gang of boys she used to go around who turned out to like her and want to be bf/gf, and that it could have been any one of us.

 

to me she feels tainted or tarnished or something, and whilst i knew about her sexual past when we got together this time, we're beyond just seeing each other. now that it's turning into a really serious relationship i just feel like i cant deal with it being with someone who all my friends can turn round to me and say, 'yeh she was amazing in bed mate.' i just want to feel like i am really the only one for her like she is for me, and she assures me i am but i just feel so replaceable.

 

i know that logically it shouldn't matter because we do love each other but the more intense our relationship gets the more i get obsessively depressed and jealous. it does sound like a self esteem issue i know but i feel like its more than that, its as if i don't truly want her because she will never really be mine, if that makes sense.

 

i know im only young but this just feels like the end of the world right now!

 

thanks for any advice anyone may have. will xx

 

I hate to say it bro, but this is all in your own head. This is all about self-esteem, insecurity, and self-worth. I'm sure part of you is comparing yourself to them, or fearing that she is comparing.

 

You need to build up the rest of your life so that you're happy enough with it that you don't let her define you. Easier said than done, I know, but you see where I'm going with this? If you were fully secure, these things wouldn't bother you so much.

 

Hope that helps.

 

edit - I noticed you apologizing for sucking up. As a little game, keep a little mental note of how many times you apologize in a day, and for things you really shouldn't apologize for. Make a point of not apologizing so often anymore, unless it's something you really should apologize for. When you apologize unnecessarily, you're showing people that you value yourself lower than them. This weirds people out.

 

Notice every time you apologize and ask yourself why you did it. Then make a conscious choice not to apologize anymore. You'd be surprised how much this changes things...

Edited March 4, 2008 by Phateless

[AAlike]

If you wish.

 

I used to be a little jealous, and sometimes a lot jealous. It really could be a big deal in my head. It caused me a lot of pain, (For that you can read "I caused me a lot of pain").

 

It's gone now because of a few things that have happened in the past year or so. Now if I see something, or hear something, I no longer "sense" anything (that was always horsefeathers anyway, just a way to make yourself to feel bad), anyway, there is now no reaction at all. Nothing.

 

It seems to me that all relationships are transient, although I do not for one moment suggest they are not important, they are. It just seems to me now that why should I care. What is the point of the jealous urge?

 

Protection of a domain? Or partner? Not for me, well not now anyhow.

 

I am still protective of my partner, but not demanding her attention, I am no longer saying to myself ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME............

 

Thats cool, but also sad, in that it feels like you have lost a friend. Not a good friend, or even someone you liked, but someone you have known a long time, a part of your life.

 

I wonder if anyone understands or sees it similarly?

 

I don't know that I'm totally following here, but from what I can piece together, are you saying that the jealousy is a product of the passion that you had in the early stages of the relationship, but now that it's gotten more "routine" or something to that degree and you're simply placated that you sort of miss it - like the jealousy was indicative of some sort of fire that's now out? or is it more that now that you've only lost the jealousy because you've come to the conclusion that all relationships are expendable?

 

I might be totally off base here - but I think that I can see what you're saying, maybe that jealousy would be preferable to stagnancy and boredom? I don't know - I'd really like to delve more into this though.

[witabix]

It has nothing to do with my current relationship, although there was a period of intense insecurity on my part previously. We are a second time around couple, that may be important, but probably not.

 

It is not that I don't care or that I am complacent, it is much, much deeper than that. It is what I am. how I percieve myself. I no longer need to feel jealousy.

 

A little background may help....

 

I am a product of the east end of London, the Docks. The son of an immigrant family. Prejudice against us and our TYPE ran high. I am used to being challenged, and meeting that challenge head on, with whatever I needed to meet it with. I am an ex boxer and martial artist. I have always felt the need to defend myself. Against everyone and anything.

 

I will always remember my Dad's words.......

 

"Don't let anyone walk on you, ever"

 

I transposed what he meant to my modern life, it didn't mean the same thing any more..... I realise that now.

 

I have no need or desire to defend myself in that 'jealous' way anymore. Jealousy is the most self destructive form of self defense I have ever known.